I feel so lost in this empty world filled with people. I can’t touch them, it’s like they’re so far away. Yet I stay here. Running around in circles. I sit down, but I cannot cry, because I know noone is there to say “It’s ok”. They’re not real. All fake. Go away..
Im quite , i hear them talking & laughing wishing i was able to do the same , but i cant im afraid . They talk louder i try to quite down the voices in my head so i can listen i hear them talking about a video they watched of this girl that attempted suicide & they were dying in laughter saying shes stupid and why would she do that its all for attention but honestly its not . Thats been said to me & all i could do is stay quite because noone listens to me anyway , if it was for attention i would isolated myself , i wouldnt stay quite i wouldnt tell you to leave me alone , i wouldnt want to cut myself , i wouldnt have these thoughts bouncing back & forth & i wouldnt cry & pray to god to take me away from the pain . & yes i ask god to take me because when i do attempt its like something is holding my back a force upon me & i cant firgure it out ! Noone knows your struggle and noone knows what you grow threw and its so hard to think that noone wants to leave you out & its so hard to believe the i love yous . I still dont know what ive done to deserve this . & that whole this is god testing your strength , if thats true , where is he now when i really need him ? Its sucks to have this pain steaming through my blood , i cant stand this anymore . GO AWAY PLEASE
Is there ever a day that can go by without this desire? I have been this way for close to a quarter of a century….that I remember. I swallowed many sleeping pills in April of 1992. Oops, I’m still alive.
Suicide is selfish. It is crushing. People say it’s being weak. Well, that’s because life is too heavy and it’s too exhausting to carry it anymore. My burden is not your burden. Noone but myself can tell me whether I can stand it anymore or not. Noone but me can get myself up every morning and breathe.
So, people that I hear say things that dig at suicidal people or suicide in general may be unintentionally mean. Look, say I’m selfish. Is that so horrible? People are supposed to be selfish. If you weren’t selfish, why would you seek out anything pleasurable? Why would you seek out anything detrimental? Actually, selfishness is a part of basic survival. But it’s like a dig, a bad character flaw. How dare you do anything for yourself. Then, on the other hand, gosh, you better do something to take care of yourself or else you’ll suffer the consequences and not be able to be selfless for awhile.
I am being enormously selfless when I wake up everyday and breathe. I am living because there are people in my life that depend on me. What happens when they don’t need me anymore? I actually think that God will play another trick on me and put someone else in their place. I think that’s all there is. If there was nobody around, what is the point of living? I believe that is the only thing that I can focus on to keep breathing and living.
I am suicidal, but I am strong because this thing is extremely heavy and I am still carrying it. But, there’s always the option. And sometimes I wish so hard that I would break. I am so tired and stumble through that depression for awhile until I get through it. Of course, until the next time…
This is my first time doing this and thanks to those who read it. I dont really share my feelings but i thought i should give it a try. I don’t know why someone at age 20 feels the way that I do. Ever since my dad passed away when i was 11 I have felt empty. I was my bestfriend and my role model. He suffered from drug abuse and was clean for a year, then went to a hotel off the parkway, overdosed, and killed himself. Every time I think about it I blame myself(& I know many people say that there is no reason to but I can’t shrug the feeling off). I felt like maybe I wasnt a good enough daughter or just not enough for him, its a selfish thought but I still feel this way.
When he passed so many things started happening. My mother had open heart surgery and almost died. My grandma passed away, my aunt passed a year later, my friend got into a car accident and passed away the next year. I tried to be so strong and not cry for my mother, because she has medical problems and I didnt want to stress her out. My uncle took advantage of the moment and started to touch me.. I never told anyone because i thought noone would ever believe me.. then again in highschool i went to my “bestfriends” house and got piss drunk and her father started to touch me.. no matter how much i tried to push him off he wouldnt stop touching me.. and did much worse. I woke up the next morning feeling disgusting and walked out of the house and never spoke to her again. Is this what I am good for?
I was bullied in school for many years due to the way i walk. (I walk on my toes.. I have has surgery but it is now a habbit). I used to cry myself to sleep all the time for the littlest things. Im not going to bore you with sad highschool stories so ill skip to when I graduated. I started working at some amusement park and actually ended up meeting my boyfriend who i really do love so much. It was a rough relationship and we ended up breaking up. College was not for me, I could not concentrate on anything and worked 2 jobs as well. Eventually I decided to join the Army Reserves. While away for training I actually met amazing people and was actually happy. Then i got back and remembered why I left in the first place. Now I work in an insurance company – dead end job. I am trying to get back to school but I am in debt from my first year. I have nothing.. My self esteem is completely gone. I lost all my friends – and regained my boyfriend but he lives far away so i barely get to see him. I feel like i have noone to talk to .. I feel like a disappointment to my father & to myself. I have thought of the sweet escape many times.. I just can’t bring myself to do it.
I have a health issue that im trying to address. Everyone ignores when i say this. They just think im crazy over some bs. That is fine. But dont insult me. I dont bring up your drinking problems, your previous drug problem, the fact that you are two faced toward everyone. I dont bring up that you were previoulsy a a prostitute. I dont judge you all. How dare you judge me, but wont even listen to me when i try to explain my health issue. Thats fine. Believe what you want. i hope you all die or end up homeless, instead of me. Im bipolar, yeah, so are you. Fine judge me. i went to college and have two degrees. noone in my family did. i might kill myself just to get away from them. I hope most folks in my family go through hard times. fuck you assholes.
ever since primary school I had been cutting. I dud it because all my ‘friends’ were horrible. One day they were all friendly the next day they would be holding me down and throwing footballs at me. Bow I’m in secondary school. And it just got worse. I was alone again. Then people started commenting on my appearance. I began starving myself to make ne skinnier than I am. I gate being ugly I hate it. One day I decided I was gonna do it. I had enough. But then this boy stayed up all night trying to stop me. He was the kindest person I ever met. I thought I could never repay that. I started being nice back and then he told ne to just leave him alone and that no one like me. I dug deep un my bag and found my pills and mt razor. But then jasmine took them away and threw them in the bin. My chance to escape was gone. She told a teacher and they told my parents. I got home and I had to wait outside my house for 15 minutes because my dad didn’t want me to get in. I finally get in and he smacks me around the face, strip searches me and sends me to my room. I come back down when my mums home and they shout at ne. “kill yourself then!” “noone should waste their time with you and so forth. I try to explain and my dads keeps hitting me saying shut up shut up shut the hell up. And I just want to end everything. Noone wants me and they never will
I dont really know if this is how im supposed to write this but anways. I’ve been lurking this site for a while and i finally decided to make an account. I guess i should introduce myself ( to whoever is reading this ), anywas not gonna share my real name but lets say my name is Cyne. I’m 18 year old male and have been dealing with depression since around 11-12 years old, maybe even before that but i didnt really notice that it was effecting me. I guess the major part of my depression and thought of suicide is being alone, dumb reason i know. I literally dont talk to anyone in person (apart from those small chit-chats during school and talking to my family a bit) and online i talk to a whooping number of… one persons. Even though even that is very rare these past few weeks. Needless to say, i never had any friends, not even as a kid, got bullied a lot when i was younger ( mostly verbal abuse and a little but heavy physical abuse ), i dont get bullied anymore though, which is good. I dont really know why im writing this here and i’m not really good at expressing myself due to not having much practice in talking. I guess im just trying to atleast “talk” with anyone even though noone might read this.
I guess i should mention that noone really knows how i feel in person, noone knows i attempted suicide or that im even depressed, most people think im someone happy and funny, but thats cause i put on an act during those short “chit-chats”.
When it comes to school, once again, im a failure, actually im a failure at everything tbh, i dont really have any virtues or skills and i dont find anything fun, not even the stuff i used to love doing. I guess i spend my days today browsing reddit and watching tv shows, even though even that is not entertaining anymore… anyways…. i dont really think i will live much longer, im guess im just waiting for something to change in my life but it doesnt really look like anything will get better, things just go worse. I dont really know what to write anymore so im just gonna stop here, maybe i post more tommorow or smth.
Have a nice day whoever’s reading this
So this feeling is so, not painfull, not happy, no wanting 2 die, yet cant live…iv gotten on my feet the best i could only to get knocked down multiple times id like 2 drink, or do some h. Smoke myself to bliss. Its not drugs that is doin this 2 me thats just how i cope. Searching for a god who speaks through a book i try very hard 2 understand. Cant give up, but cant go passed this. Was i born like this? Did u do this to me?…….tried so hard but did i try the right way. Nah i couldnt have. Is it all my fault?Ur words are visible scars, u guys effect me in ways noone should b able 2. Just the most random persons words have thrown me to dust and ash. emptyness inside holds nothin bust smoke. A soul so lost in this human delusion. Lookin in ur eyes for an answer but ur eyes look away and im once again stuck in a hole of lonlyness. Im houdini n iv mastered disappearing into a void abyss masked by the shadows cast from the humans blocking me from the light. Even the most intricate wordplay does not catch the ears of something beyond, im still here n i still feel the same…..thank u for all this nothing,
The end is approaching, I can feel it. Everything is going against me, creating the only path which is right for me, suicide. By the end of this year hopefully it’ll be over and done with. Noone else is going to get the chance to disappoint me, no plans will be cancelled, no promises broken, no fake smiles aimed in my direction, my heart will ache and break no more. Just brief freedom whilst in the air and then boom. Finally dead and gone.
Fuck I hate my birthday! Everything shitty always happens on my birthday. This time I have officially been told to get out. By my so called best friend. I really have noone & nothing left in this world.
I will not be able to find nor afford accommodation & if I manage to find somewhere, the same thing will happen all over again.
Looks like I’ll be bringing my plans forward to my birthday, end of this month.
I don’t want to die, but I’ve got nothing to live for.
I don’t know what to do. I am stressed out and dont think i have the energy to get through yet another day. I don’t have anyone to talk me through anything since we moved. Noone cares. I am pretty sure if I died tonight, I wouldn’t be missed. I am tired of helping everyone, And putting on a happy face when nothing is okay. I want to die right now.
Yet another day has passed & I have failed. Or is it life has failed me?
What is the point in trying if all you do is fail.
I’ll never have another partner, I’ll never have a family. I’ll never afford another car, I’ll never travel again. I’m stuck in this one place, in this glass box that I can see out of but noone can see me. I’ll wither away in this empty box, never having what my soul yearns for most.
To begin i must be honest and say i had no intention of sharing this with someone else but it keeps eating me inside.I was always a shy kid and i didn’t have many friends.I am always getting bullied at school i even tried talking to someone about this but nothing changes the other kids that bully me got angrier.It was the day that they locked me our school’s closet bleeding with a broken nose that i realise that i must have done something wrong.I keep trying to fight this but the sadness and the frustration of nobody loving you and nobody hearing no matter how hard you scream is unbearable.I just need someone out there only one to support me to tell me everything is gonna be ok.I can’t fight anymore the mental pain so i cut myself because physical is something i can deal with.I know that propably noone is gonna read this but all i ask is someone to help me.I feel completly worthless and that i don’t deserve to live.I don’t want to die but i can’t see another way out.The sadness will never end
Im not depressed, or i think im not. I fail to see what others tell me. I have a verbally abusive dad and slightly over bearing mother. Add few friendd, a grand total of 60 bucks to my name, college debt, poor grades, lack of confidence, and i dont know what i am. I dont have the worst story. Bullied til o was 17, hated by my dad since i could talk, and hurting from massive amounts of medical bull. Its enough for me to considet suicide. Noone will ever hire a second rate guy from high school with struggling college grades who cant stand for more than a minute without severe pain. I feel doomed… i know some might miss me but still, i dont know… its on the table. Risk a hard life or end it now. Its starting to sound better everyday. Has been since i was 10.
Sorry for rambling… i just feel my place isnt in society but rather, dead and no longer a leech.
Still trying to work it out…
Im a femake,20yrs old ive tried to commit suicide all throughout my life since i was about 9 …growing up here i was made fun of for being fat and not speaking English….as a 9 yr old it sukd… i grew out of it n blended in a lil around jr high… but still i was made fun of for being fat… as i started highschool noone really cares about that anymore. .. but wen i was 16 i had my first bf .. he fuckd my hole wold up he would beat me… he would rape me… alot of times with his anger management probs. He tried to kill me… he tried to drown me he put a gun to my head he punshed my stomach till i trew up blood once i told him i thought i was pregnant…. he introduced me to weed and extacy… he was the worst n from those e experiences i havnt bern able to have a healthy relationship…ive tred sooo hard n i simply cant feel anything…. all i do is fuck dem n leav them because im too scared to get attached. .. he had my selfesteem lower dan low. .. ive gained somuch more weight since then. ..i hate looking in the mirror… call me a hoe a slut or watever but having sex is the only way to feel liked atleast. ..
I have. A job but i only get around $100 a week… my fam doesnt help at all…. anything i ever wanna do they make fun of n say its stupid. .. i took care of my nephew for 2 years so my sister could save bbyitting money n help me get into school n after those 2yrs she got a new truck with the money tgat wassupposed to be for my school n
Didn’t give me shit…
Now i have nothing… idk how to drive noone ever wants to teach me… i have no friends at all..literally. ..i ust wanna end all of this… i know ppl will cry but just my fam ..n they’ll gt over it…the rest of the ppl that knew me will only remember me for a few months dem forget about me ..thats how it goes. ..
being bipolar, having major health issues, and not having any friends makes me need to die. i have noone in real life. i dont work unfortunately. cant keep a job. i reaally need to die. everywhere i go i see folks having what i dont have. i just cant live anymore.
You never came back, you said you would but you didn’t, and I guess it’s more fool me for ever thinking that after all that’s happened you would. But they said have faith, in time you’ll see, he’ll come back. But time was of the essence, so I took it upon myself to come find you and even tho I thought I never would have I did. You were happy and I saw that which only made it worst. Cause I was miserable. Couldn’t you see what you’d done to me? You made me want you so much that noone else would do. So I left, and even tho you were happy, because you said you’d came back I would wait. On a bench, head back, slouching with bloody wrists. And even then you didn’t come. And when the reaper came I begged him just once and at my funeral when I waited for you, I thought you would, but even then you didn’t come..
You know, it seriously takes alot time and courage for someone who’s really shy and and the loner type to actually post anything. Alot of times I just press cancle on a full page post, so feedback would be nice. Also a comment to other posts that have no replies wouldn’t hurt either.
This is my first post, so let me start off by saying, yes I am quite uh ‘suicidal’ and I have no idea what I’m doing here, or why I’m posting my personal thoughts here. I’ll post a bit about myself later because noone wants to read another 100 paragraphs of another suicidal person. (or maybe that’s your thing, then I suggest you read my future posts, if I ever get the corage to make another)
Back to the point. Benefits of religion. Well, my grandfather is acutally a minister of a church, so growing up I always went to church. The thing with religion is you can’t force people to believe them, and when you are forced to go, it becomes a task. So I lost interest and stopped going to church, so there’s my backstory on that.
I’ve came to the conclusion one day, that God does not exist. There is no such place as heaven or hell. There is no such thing as soul or the afterlife. I won’t explain why I think this way because A, that’s not the point of this post and B, I don’t want to have a long pointless argument with someone who does believe in God. Because people are free to believe what they think is true.
If you do believe in God, you have someone to talk to about your fears. You have people to rely on or someone to get help from. You can atleast ‘die happy’ in a way I guess. Ofcourse some may disagree and I completly understand that. But to someone who doesn’t believe in God, Death becomes ALOT more scary. To imagine you would simple not exist, all your memories and activies you’ve done becomes next to meaningless, to just disappear like that…
Uh well… I don’t know what to write anymore. I’ll think of something by tomorrow. Right now I’m super depressed so I think I need a walk or something. Thanks for taking the time to read.
Crazy thing is I feel so alone yet I’m surrounded by people. I feel like noone understands me or what I’m going thru. I went thru a recent break up and she won’t move out. It kills me every time I see her and can’t hold her or do the things we once did. I did my best to push her away and now I want her. Crazy right?!
Surrounded by all the unknown
it seems that i am alone
As in the dark
noone speaks to me
speak to noone
Yet no pain, no longing
no directions, no going
Only myself without itself
A self with no self