i read a story once about a man who was tied to a chair facing a cave wall with a fire behind him. He couldn’t look left or right or even at himself, just the wall. As things went past her saw the shadows of them on the wall. That became his reality, it was all he knew. I can’t shake this feeling that I’m not really here, or anywhere. What are my thoughts? I’m just a vessel for tiny organisms to be transported, maybe my conscience-ness was a mistake? How do I know anyone else can even have thoughts and feelings? What is my reality?
yesterday i took full advantage of the numbness i’ve been feeling for the past few days. since i haven’t felt anything; not anxious, sad, happy, stressed, anything; i decided to finally make an appointment to talk with someone about what’s going on with my brain. it’s too annoying to ignore now, and honestly i doubt that’ll make it worse so i may as well try. the appointment is on the 28th, so in about two weeks but i guess it’s a nice thing and good news, i honestly don’t know and currently couldn’t care less. let’s see how that works out.
it’s been a while since the last time i posted anything here, but right now i feel like i just need to type stuff out.
lots of things have been happening lately, the biggest thing being i moved. i was okay for a while, feeling pretty neutral, which at this point is great. but it’s only been getting worse for some reason, nothing significant has happened. i’ve been feeling very weird these past few days though, i can’t feel anything. it’s like i’m numb for some reason? yesterday i met a youtuber i really admire and i thought i’d be so happy but i didn’t feel anything at all? and it’s so upsetting. it’s so annoying.
a few days ago i came to terms with something i have been avoiding for about 14 years, which didn’t help at all. i’m so tired in so many ways; emotionally, physically and mentally. i feel like i’m only complaining which also annoys me, but i’ve actually haven’t really been talking that much irl, so i guess i’m just saying everything that’s going on in my mind. ramble ramble i don’t know
I used to enjoy softball. It was hard work, sometimes it was draining, but I actually like. I don’t think I do anymore. Everyone expects something from me. My parents and tournament softball coach think that I can play college and expect so much more than I’m capable of. My high school coach thinks I can’t do anything and doesn’t give me a chance. He expects nothing from me. I can’t deal with all of this. I wish I could go back and start over. I wish I was more athletic. I wish I was more confident in myself. I wish people could see the real me. I wish I didn’t have to feel numb and empty anymore. I can’t feel. I should be stressed out of my mind this week, but I’m not. Because I’m done with this whole thing of living. I keep of telling myself I want to die and commit suicide, but I’m too scared to die. I’m too scared to get help. I’m too scared…
i’m empty inside. I don’t care what happens to anyone around me. I don’t have the will to live. I hate everyone around me. I don’t know who I am. I don’t want to live but I’m too scared to die. I want all the pain to stop.
Don’t wanna fight no more. I no longer feel pain. I don’t even feel the sadness. Everything is emptiness now. I think i finally died inside, because, no matter what, i can’t feel. I was so used to my sadness, now its all a void. An empty space. A vacuum. The world seems still, all is calm, all is silent. Now, I’m just numb.
all is calm
all is silent,
I cannot feel a thing.
Am I alive or just breathing?
No, the pain of not getting to go out when you wanted to is not as bad as the pain of losing someone you love. No, you don’t have the right to act as if these small things you call “first world problems” are as bad as it gets. There is a fine line between inconvenience and pain. Between a small glitch in a normal to semi good day and having to refrain from the extreme urge to kill yourself. I’m so young, but I could swear I’ve felt the slits of the blood sea’s razor and have checked into hell too many times to count. The worst pain, is numbness.
Always here to help, SS
Someone told me they hoped I died. I shrugged. I think if someone told me “I hope you never find love” or “I hope you never find happiness” rather than “I hope you die” is probably the only thing that could really break me; because a life without happiness, love, and fulfillment is a pitiful life.
Besides, we’re all going to die anyway.
Yup. totally and utterly numb.
It feels like someone has turned off a switch in my head and switched on autopilot mode. I am doing daily chores, smiling and talking to family, going to work and coming back home, cook meals, and cut.
Its like a routine and for last two weeks I cut on my thighs (so that my hubby wont see) every other day just to make sure that I am still alive. The pain is the only reminder left of life.
Oh how I wish, this routine would include studying… I am at the verge of being thrown out of my PhD, both my supervisors extremely frustrated with my lack of progress. I have a meeting with them tomorrow, to discuss what I did in last month. I did None, Zilch, Zero progress. I should be writing right now, something, anything, for the meeting and I am here. I am trying to but the overwhelming sense of fear has reached the point where I just gave up. I just feel numb, staring at my laptop’s screen.
I thought that I was losing control, that either I would eventually snap or people around me would realise that I am worthless. But with each passing day, with each drop of blood and each new scar, all these stupid feelings are fading in to nothingness. I know my parents will be disappointed, me and my husband will have to go back to our country, I know that I am losing precious time… But… I just cant… Lost control of my body, its in autopilot and I am nothing.
I’ve just needed to get this story off my chest. It’s been two years, and I’ve only told two friends and my councilor. This isn’t much of a story, but when I begin to think about suicide I remember the saving thought that I had. A lot of the time we feel so alone in the world. It can be for many reasons, but I think what I learned is, you’re not alone. No matter what you want to believe to make choosing suicide easier, you’re not alone, someone will still feel grief for you when you pass. For some people that’s not much of reason to stop. But I would encourage anyone who is thinking about it to sit down, be honest with yourself, and make a list of people that would probably miss you when you are gone. I guarantee that list will be long enough to reconsider. It doesn’t have to be your very best friends and family only, put down that teacher that always smiles and says hello to you, the girl in math class who asks for a pencil every once in awhile and talks to you while walking to your lockers, or maybe that one kid who doesn’t have many friends that you sit with at lunch on occasion. These people may not be your closest or best friends, but I know each and everyone would be negatively affected by your suicide. Anyways, I’m rambling. I’ll get on with the story:
When I was 17, I was coming home from the movies with a friend. The night was great. I was happy to spend that time with her. But as I was on the hour long drive home something negative just hit me. I felt numb throughout my entire body, I didn’t listen to music, I didn’t even really pay attention to the road. I just felt whatever was going on inside.
I was home alone, so when I got into the garage I just closed the door behind my car. I revved it once or twice. I just couldn’t stop thinking about all the shit that I’ve been through, what hell awaited me back at school, and how my parents and I were not getting along as great as we used to. Then I thought about how insignificant I was. I was (and still am) a nihilist, I knew religion was just a way to provide some people comfort while others rose in power. I knew that. I didn’t care if I was right and that I’d just become nothing, that I’d simply cease to be. And I didn’t even care if the alternative was true. I just wanted to end the overwhelming numbness I felt.
I sat back and waited. Eventually I was getting impatient. I cursed having a huge garage because it was taking so long and fear began to prickle through. The image of my mother sobbing on the ground, next to my car and my lifeless body came to mind. I imagined her screaming through the tears, trying in vain to wake up her only daughter. I thought of my dad, talking to me when no one is around and asking how I could be so selfish, and why didn’t I talk to him if I was in that much pain. I thought of my best friends and how they will never understand why I left them so suddenly and without saying goodbye. I thought of my friend that I had just seen an hour ago, asking herself for the rest of her life if it was somehow her fault or if she could’ve saved my life.
Something else bust through that temporary numbness. It was the feeling of being absolutely loved by so many people. Yes, I was being bullied relentlessly at school. Yes, I was fighting more often with my parents. Yes, I had been through trauma as a young child. But none of that felt like a justifiable reason to take my own life at that moment. I felt that love, and I felt a knot in my stomach begin to grow.
I calmly turned off the car, and went inside to shower and think about what exactly just happened. I thought of how close all of those things were to happening. In a way, I’m glad that when I was thinking about going through with it, I chose such a slow method. It definitely bought me time. I have many guns because my dad and I hunt together, so I’m forever grateful that I didn’t choose that method.
I almost committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning, but thanks to how slow it was taking, the thought of how much harm it’d do to the people I care for stopped me.
It’s strange, how one can be in so much pain, that they “numb” out, yet the pain seems to only grow stronger. You smile, give a laugh, when all you really want to do is break down: scream, shout, burst into ragefull tears. All you really want is to let someone know just how much you hurt, just how much you wish you could swallow a little more pain in order to self-implode and just fade away. But pride is a shameful thing, due to it, you would rather suffer and die in silence than tell a single soul that the darkness is pulling you down once again. You fear of telling anyone, you know the consequences: they will rat you out and you will be locked up and the key will be thrown away until “they” feel you’re sick and twisted mind has been healed. Why is it that the people who say they love you make you suffer for telling a simple truth? Why do they have to be so selfish? Why can they not just leave you be, let you fade away? They say they care, but if that were true, then why can they not just leave you be, let you die in peace? Can they not see that putting an end to your pain is less selfish and unjust than them forcing you to stay alive for them and them alone? It is unjust for them to keep you on life support (doped up on medication), just so that they can have you around for a little while longer, and you will be forced to live in silent misery. Your parents say they want to know when you are hurting, that you can trust them and open up to them; but the moment you expose your pain to them, they turn their back on you; they criticize you, say you are not fighting hard enough, not trying hard enough. Not trying hard enough for whom? Because you know that you are giving it your all, sacrificing an endless dark peace in order to stay alive for their own selfish reasons and suffer with each second that passes you by… Oh how you long to dig a hole in the earth and bury yourself, how you wish to lie in it’s cool bliss for eternity… But no, you have no choice, you have no freedom; you are forced to live a miserable and pathetic existence for those you USED to love, those heartless pricks you WISH you could hate… Well, this is my life, my choice. And I CHOSE to cancel them out, tell them to fuck off and stop pretending to care; all they want me around for is so I can be able to live up to thier expectations of having a “happy and successful” life… Those are two things I have worked hard to find. I had both a successful and happy-ish life for a short burst, but regretablly lost it… And I have no interest in seeking it out again… Not while I’m like this… They say they care, but they don’t. My honesty has always cost me my freedom; I would rather suffer in silence (and even fade away), then open up and be “locked-up for my own safety”. I have been to as many as 20 psych-wards since the age of 12; you would think I would have either leveled out by now, or could have at least attempted suicide correctly; I have failed miserably at both aspects. It shows just how pathetic I am when I can’t even off myself correctly… 99% of the times I have OD’d, I always chickened out after swallowing the pills and called for help, resulting in being forced to drink charcoal (yummy, delicious; NOT). There were two times I OD’d and kept it to myself, hoping I would succeed those times; however, I always woke up… The only thing I felt for a few days was abdominal pain and discomfort, woopdy do… So, here I am, hopeless and losing faith in humanity… Basically I have only three choices:
- Force myself to stick around and live a miserable/painful existence to make my pseudo parents and psuedo friends happy.
- Chose to stick around for my kitty cat, because I love her and can’t imagine leaving her behind to be taken care of people I either hate or don’t know.
- Rid myself of my pathetic/shameful existence, and rid myself of all the fucking people I fucking hate… Including myself…
It’s a hard choice to make… But from now on, I will be sure to make choices because I want to, I will do what pleases me and stop worrying about pleasing people (who can all burn in Hell, as far as I’m concerned). That is my New Years resolution: live for me, do what I want/feel is right/must be done. And maybe, just maybe, if I stop caring so much about what other people think, I will find happiness; or at least feel better towards myself and decide to give life another chance. It’s a long shot, but I refuse to just roll over and die; I will find as many reasons as possible to remain alive, but I will remain alive because I WANT to, instead of being FORCED to. I will live for me, make me happy, and that’s how it will be from now on.
I don’t know what to think. I’ve been drinking to dull the pain. Now, I can’t drink much because it hurts my stomach, so I just sip it, little by little. I’ve had this four loko for 3-4 days now.
I’ve been in and out of chanting since I began because I’m so tired all the time and find it hard to commit to any religious practice. I’ve come to believe it’s real, though. It numbs me ever so slightly too.
None of this has been his doing. I’m sad, lonely, hurting, and numb on my own this time. I borrowed the iPad from work to get more familiar with using it to run my work’s social media, and I took some pictures of myself just to see what the camera quality was. For the first time I saw a man’s face and thought that this was really the end of the line, I am a man now, so I will never be loved or have sex ever again. And I remember what that leader guy my roommate had over said about coming into Buddhism, he said we hang on for so long to our old identities but we have to let go to live this life. And I do hang on and cling to things for dear life, because I’ve lost st so much, I’ve lost everything, and I continue to keep suffering so much loss. I don’t believe I’ll ever be ok or have a normal life. A permanent place to live or a husband are things just not meant for me, but whatever.
Then I felt sad, confused and even ashamed when I realized the problem is that the outside world doesn’t see a man. Everyone sees a hideously ugly obese female, someone to reject and keep far away from. I’m not seen as human. I could never be someone to get close to.
Then, some words said to me at work have been haunting me. It was said, something along the lines of that I/or it has to be justified for me to have this job because I come in as a white male and I’m not supposed to have that position. But it’s only ok because I have worked long enough to be there. But the gravity behind that has hurt me and again made me feel inferior and less deserving than everyone else on the planet, as I’ve been made to feel my whole life. My mind races – for one, I’m trans too, two, I’m non passng, obese and disabled, so I don’t deserve an income and the chance to live indoors?? I’ll never have the white male privilege – and besides this is ME you’re talking about! My place on earth since I was born has been to be LESS THAN everyone else! If the entire planet’s population were ranked from best to least, I am dead last underneath ever one alive on Earth! There’s not a god damn thing that will make anyone see any value in me at all! I’ll never know what it’s like to even be average! Yes I am offended. I know I’ll never be seen as a human being so I can’t stand to have the label of privileged put on my head when I know I’m the lowest of the low piece of shit for the entire world to look down on. OK I may never be killed for being hideously ugly and obese like you can get killed for being black, but still, I’m still the lowliest not-even-a-person person on earth. The universe probably keeps me around just because of how easy it is for the world to shit on me.
And finally, my other job. Christ. Something was said to me today that got to me too. They said, about an assignment I had to create a newsletter, which I’ve done before, that they weren’t going to give it to me at first because it’s a little more complex than usual and they weren’t sure if I could do it. Ok, so they seem to find fault with everything I do lately. I try to chalk it up to my creative vision is too much for them. Of course they don’t consider their business to be creative, but anyway… Yeah its like saying I’m stupid. Sure, it was a pain in the ass to create a graphic like that, and no I couldn’t find one on the web if that’s where last year’s came from. Sorry no one has anything like it and I had to create one. I’m sure it won’t be at all acceptable. The photographer vs the data analyst. See the disconnect here? But of course they’re great at making me feel incompetent and worthless.
And I’m hungry. Always too broke for food. And the distance between me and the guy I love. I was about to confess in this one, but maybe save that for yet anothere time.. But anyway.. yeah, the emotional distance.. that he can “love” every last thin stick girl he sees, but someone who gave everything of themselves, doesn’t count.
I used to live all alone, i feel being all alone is my comfort zone..until there is someone appeared..
Her eyes just like bringing peace.. the way she blinked and looked..
I can see something from the inside those eyes..
Somehow, I felt guilty..
She’s just too good, pure as white..
I dont want her to see me from the inside
I dont want her to see how broken I am
Im just a man who doesnt know how to love
Its too numb to feel, its too cold for her soul
Im just a gray for her colors.
Im glad to see her smile, but the fact is im not that funny guy she thought.. it’s just covered up
I dont know how long I can hold this smiling mask in front of her..
Should I let her feeling fade away to me?
I think she deserves a better person than me..
I dont deserve her love…
I feel so numb. I feel like nothing around me is real. I should have told my pdoc that I attempted suicide when I had my appointment, but I guess I assumed the hospital told her since they asked for her name and I provided it. But nobody told her and I told her that nothing changed and I was still depressed and she just refilled the medicine I oded on and off I went.
My pdoc is a revolving door of pills. I don’t know if I’m having a mental break or if it’s a side effect of all these meds. Right now it’s keppra, xanax, lexapro, abilify, and atarax. I feel so tired of fighting myself and fighting these pills. I just want to be dead and be done with it. The urge to take all the new pills is so strong that all I can do is cry and lay still in bed and hope for sleep. I want to die but I want to hope but I hope to die. I don’t understand my mind and wish it all would stop. I called my pdoc and said we had to meet as soon as possible, because I am going to tell her the truth. I just hope she doesn’t hand me more meds and push me out the door. I am so close to the edge.
I really hate the word reality. I hate when my mom storms in to my room and tells me that lying in bed and taking naps all the time isn’t reality. She tells me I have to get up and sometimes I feel like I can’t. I don’t want to and it would be heaven if I could stay in my bedroom forever. It’s my safe place and I feel like no one can hurt me here. Today my mom came in to my room and she told me I had to start working on my summer reading project for school. School is probably the biggest source of anxiety for me. Last year I couldn’t go to the last two weeks of school because I was so afraid. And that book and its assignment are a symbol of school so of course I didn’t want to do it. I couldn’t do it.
I’m staring at the new cut on my upper arm, and I’m numb. I’ve just finished writing a text so someone I thought I could trust, who chose a guy over my friendship, and I’m numb. I just dropped one of my courses, because I couldn’t handle a full-time course load, and I’m numb. Maybe I’ll never feel again. Or maybe tonight will be the night, and I won’t have to worry about the fact that my SSI will be there and gone on the 1st. Well, really, either way I’d never feel again. I think I’m out of tears. Pity. No one else will cry any for me. What the hell, why not? I should take my cats with me. Why on earth would I leave them to suffer the rest of humanity? They’ve done nothing to deserve that.
Gods, but I’m numb. This must be what it’s like to be neurotypical and not give a fuck about anyone else.
im so numb cant feel anything other then the warm tears i cry.
I find myself feeling numb. Sometimes a spark of happinesss comes in, or a glimmer of hope, or moments of excrutiatingly painful, lonely, sadness. I feel as if I don’t want to end my life, but I’d like too end the pain, sorrow, and for once, I’d like too feel again. In a good way.
I finally figured out what it is. He completely invalidated my feelings. The love I’ve felt for him or anyone else, he writes off as stupid or crazy. So my feelings aren’t real to others and therefore don’t matter. Apparently you can stomp all over my ‘feelings’ and it won’t hurt me because I don’t really have any true, honest, normal and rational feelings like everybody else. That just invalidates my entire LIFE because I’ve known what I wanted out of life since I was 5. My death truly won’t matter.
The last few years of my life I havent really been able to feel any form of emotion to anything. All I feel is just a numbing kind of sense. I have a loving family, a great group of friends and an amazing girlfriend that I know loves me… But I just can’t seem to feel anything back… Its almost like I’m just watching my life go by with somebody else in control… I want to be able to be loving back to them all but the only thing I ever have on my mind now is death, like I’m just waiting for something to just finally end this pointless cycle… I want to be able to think more positive and be happy… But every time I try I’m just aware I’m faking and I go back to square 1… Ive forgotten what it’s like to be happy and it’s driving me over the edge.