In 1993 I committed suicide. It came after years of attempts, and it came not from a long, considered planning process but by sheer circumstance. Looking for one thing I found another. A precursor of sorts. Combined with something else at hand the deed was done. Just before losing consciousness the phone rang. Not knowing I was about to pass out I answered the phone. Then I passed out. When I woke up in an ICU the next day I was angry. So angry that I ripped out the IVs and stalked out of the unit with a gaggle of nurses trailing behind me. I […]
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Nurses
Hey guys, my name is Fabienne, I’m 17 and from New Zealand and I have been at war with myself since I was born. Literally. Mum said ‘you came into this world not really wanting to live’ so I guess life-long depression is my diagnosis. I’ve been bullied for having eczema since I was 5, being called names like “Scabby” and things like that, then was ostracized from age 6 through till age 14 at school. I moved schools in Spetember 2009 and started to get boys attention for the first time and ended up giving my body to them so I could feel ‘normal’ […]
I’m bipolar II.
That’s like a bipolar I without the happies.
The fellow that I thought was one of my last friends always told me that if I needed help, I should not run away again, but call him.
I did. Â I did not tell him that I had gotten much much sicker in the head. Â I’d been hearing voices for a while and didn’t notice until now. Â I was getting help from my doctor, but I wasn’t sure how far it would go. Â Hospitalization? Â I had no idea.
I was going to the hospital the next week, so I wanted to line things up with the fellow. […]
I wanted to die differently, I want to drown, I want to OD, I want to shoot myself, anything but cancer! I’d jump, I’d hang, I’d chug, anything BUT cancer. I’d like to be hit, I’d like to drift off in my slumber eternally, I’d like to be stabbed, anything but CANCER. fuck cancer, fuck cancer, fuck cancer, fuck cancer, fuck it. I’m sitting in a stupid hostpital, in a stupid gown, with stupid food, stupid and overly chipper nurses, oh and don’t forget the cell enlarging body killing menace, CANCER. At first I thought they were joking, just lightening the mood somehow, “I’m sorry […]
I’m no longer intent on committing suicide. I’ve been told I can make a living will if I want! It’ss for me, but also to stop my grandparents from trying to destroy my family by arguements on account of the decisions I make in my life, especially where medicines and comfort level is concerned. Thanks, disability assesser! And thanks, apparently nice nurses, doctors and the rest of my lovely hospital staff now friends, who have somehow gotten me over my grief over the last procedure that my Nan successfully caused great discomfort from, by simply interfering with what the doctors wanted, subtly. And last week […]
I get so fucking tired of the “it will get better” and the “Don’t give up! That’s just when things are going to change!” or my favorite “There is a light at the end of the tunnel!” Fuck you. That light? It’s a god damn oncoming train.
Oh and those fuckin pro life bullshit assholes.. why Yes! YES!! YES I DO wish that my mother had aborted me asswipe. I dont know why she didn’t.
When I was 3 months old I had spinal menigitis. 3 weeks in the hospital. I stopped breathing. My heart stopped. No one held me. No one wanted to. […]
Okay so here the turth im not a virgin even though everyone in my family thinks i am so i was 13 when i was put on birth control because my grandma thought i should be incase and she thought i was a virgin but i was then about a month later i was at school and started cramping really bad so i go to the nurses off then she call my grandma and tells her she thinks im having a miscarrge my grandma cursed her out the turth is it was true i didnt know i was preg and i was young and stuipd […]
As I sit before my computer alone for the second day in a row, the sun shines brightly outside. I realize now that the suffering i’m about to undergo is irrational, but is it truly irrational to want to voluntarily give up life for peace? The method of giving up drinking and eating will end my life in the course of 10 days or more, during this time I will experience coming to terms with myself as the pain in my stomach slowly claims my life. I know that there is no way to write final words without them seeming dramatic or attention-seeking. A long […]
Well… Here I am at 25. More confused than when I was 14…. Lost for 11 years. Wandering, somewhere out there alone. In a world full of trauma and pain. Not understanding where I am going, or even what I want to do. My father who was my best friend died in an accident. A month before my birthday. Right before Father’s day… My mother met an addict and decided that she wanted a different life. So when she got out of jail, she moved out of state and gave her children up to be wards of the state…
The rest of my family disappeared as […]
first of all let me say i dont have problems in school im an A student i go to a good christian school even though im not christian .
i do have problems in life i have since i was 8 . the big drama’s started when i was 12/13 im (16)
my mother is a heavy  heroine addict and hasn’t payed attention to me since i was born … when i was 8 i was taken into foster care and moved from place to place till i was 13 where i was put in a residential with 2 to 3 other girls where they decided to […]
Nurses whispered, like a constant buzzing
Looking down on us, judging us
She rested on the bed next to me
Sick from the pills they gave her
Listen        Â
Follow
Conform
In a place where friendship is weakness
Eleven is too old for trust
Never asked but always taken
Pain is exchanged for freedom
Smile
Adapt
Recover
Running scorching water over my hands
The first time I tried to burn
Unyielding ghosts clung to me
She watched lazily from her bed
Haunting
Deceiving
Thief
Over the past two years I have been with a girl named Ashlyn. I’m going to go ahead and tell you the whole story of how “we” happened.
Ashlyn has a brother that is 3 years old. He drowned in a pool one afternoon while the babysitter was supposed to be watching him. His name is Brody. Brody is now on a vent to breathe and has a trach. He has been in a coma for 2 and a half years. Ashlyns mom- Jackie hired a team of nurses to take care of her son. Selfish right? Jackie believes that since everyone has granted her sympathy […]
Just this year on Jan 28 09 my mom passed away.
At first I couldnt beleive it. I was with her in the hospital and she was fine.
I go sit with my grandma and then next thing I hear is CODE BLUE!!
I didnt know what that meant but they sent the nurses to my mom room.
Minutes passed and the Dr came out saying ” Im sorry but her heart just gave out. ”
At that very moment my entire world collapsed!
A month pass after her death and I remembered something.
She would always give me a hug before I went to school.
I burst out in tears and reached […]