my two favourite youtubers are on tour together. yeah, so…
last night, i went to one of their shows.
it was so fun and so incredible.
it might’ve been one of the best nights of my life, if not the best.
each and everyday is a part of my history, a history that will be with me forever. unfortunately, i know that forever, i am going to look back on these years of my life and all i’m going to see will be an ugly kid with mental illnesses and no friends, just, wasting her life away. i want my history, i want my past, present, and future, to be happy, i want to do something worthwhile rather than just doing this wasting. uhm, yeah… this is not really what i imagined my life would be like.
That hell that’s been my head these past 26 years has gotten the best of me.
I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD 3 years ago and even though i thought learning about it would help me, i’m still the
same fucking mess, still failing at everything and the worst is i have learned i can’t do SHIT about it.
And I am tired of this.
I’ve had enough of the stuggle
I’ve had enough of feeling stupid and ridiculed by people i call my friends
Enough of this emotional rollercoaster which has crashed years ago on depression mode
Enough of believing i’m surrounded by caring people until i realize i ****** the relationship up to the point where i just annoy everyone else as much as i hate myself for it.
Enough of living for the approbation of people i’m not worthy of.
Enough of trying harder with it never being good enough for anyone, not even myself
Enough of alienating and losing all the people i have been friend with
Enough of nurturing hope in those aeons people call dreams when i am only capable of failing patheticly.
Enough of the pain, the self-hatred, the lies, betrayals, disappointment and misunderstandings.
But most of all what i am sick of are those pity parties i can’t help throwing for myself.
Despite therapies, meditation, medication, coaching or positive thinking i still can’t help doing this. NOTHING has worked.
Everytime i think i made a step in the right direction, i’m taken 3 steps backwards.
Thanks a lot, Universe.
Seriously, ive been like this for so long and it is clearly NOT getting better, despite everyone saying it is.
I choose to end this.
I don’t care what’s on the other side.
I don’t care if it hurts everyone around me anymore. None of them cares enough to listen to what i’m really saying and then i’m the fucking bad guy because of my innefectiveness.
Good luck to all of you.
This isn’t really something I usually do, I’m more of the “bottle it up” kind of guy, but I really need to get this out and Google led me here as an appropriate place to do so. It’s up to you if you want to read all this, but at least if you do, I have some validation of my efforts. Which I imagine would be nice.
Well… here goes.
I should be happy or satisfied enough really, shouldn’t I?
I mean, I did life right. I left school, got a steady dead end job and got myself a place to live independently. In this tough economic climate, that’s a real fucking achievement apparently. Or at least that’s what everyone keeps telling me. But I can’t seem to gain any joy or even a modicum of satisfaction from it all. It all feels so sodding pointless.
I am waiting to die. That is the reality of it all. All of my achievements are worthless because I don’t care about them and nobody will remember them. Not that I really care about what others think or feel about me at this point. I’ve only met two people in my entire life who I could truly relate to and both died.
I’ve had relationships and a fair bit of meaningless sex, though I’ve never truly loved another person. This rather tragically includes my family. My parents are “there” I guess, but we don’t really see each other all that often since I moved out of my Mum’s house. I just could never emotionally attach to them, even as a child. I guess it didn’t help that they spent the majority of my youth arguing. The end result is I’m in a self perpetuating cycle of loneliness and recessiveness. I want someone to talk to and to be around but I hide away because it’s easier. I’m no good in social situations and I’m often ignored. This is partly because I try not to go outside and largely because my mind is a frazzled dick-shaft of a mess and that anything that comes out of my mouth is usually so cringe inducingly stupid or inappropriate that I just make everyone feel either nervous or awkward.
I escape reality through drink and books, though I can’t drink enough to achieve alcoholism due to crippling, anxiety related stomach pains. I’m on a pharmacy’s worth of medication as it is.
It’s just all so fucking tedious. Plain and simple. We waste the best years of our lives in education and work. It’s not worth it. The only thing keeping me going these last few years was a fear of “what comes next”.
Maybe it’d be easier if it was some kind of pact where I wouldn’t be alone but I don’t think that happens outside of comics and movies.
I think I’m ready to cross the line now though.
If you took the time read all of this, thank you for doing so. I can only apologize for taking up your precious time.
I went out of my house for a change, to hang out with some of my old friends. I rarely do this now since i tend to lock myself in my room, when im not inclined to go to school.
I hung out with 15 of my friends and we watched “end of the world movies” since that was the theme of the party. I was cuddling with my gay friend Dustin, i love him to pieces. After most of the people left and four of us were left me, dustin,jenna, and josh went out side, me jenna and josh hitting from a pipe.
We went inside finished the movie 2012, which btw when your high is funny as hell..
I was cuddling with dustin, trying as hard as i can NOT to fall alseep, cause for once i was at piece with my self. I didnt feel bad, i was depressed, nothing just a peaceful bliss.
After we finished the movie i layed in dustins arms while he played portal 2. ( he was trying to exsplain the game but i couldnt follow just kept telling him to run)
I fell asleep sometime later we all woke back up at 6am. Dustin somehow moved and his feet were in my face so i pushed him off the couch, he got back up and we cuddled since it was fucking freezing. DX
We left around 6:30 to drop everyone off home, and my friend jenna left for alambama and now im left to pet sit for her.
After getting home my dad woke up freaking cause he thought someone broke in, i layed down fell asleep at noon they woke me up cause we had to go to a birthday party for my one year old niece. It was fun. Now im home, tired as fuck and cant sleep.
But i dont care i had a pretty good day in a while. Im happy, i was nervous to go to the party because of the fact i met tanner that way.. and we shall how that turned out.. :/
(if you dont know about tanner read my other post)
I felt really good getting out of the house. I plan on makeing myself hang out with one of my friends at least once every 2 weeks does that sound like a good goal? Im hoping it might help with my depression
Tommorow i have a christmas party, at school.
Its suppose to be 75 degrees outside
While everyone else is wearing short sleeved shirts and capris.
Ill be wearking my skinney jeans and long sleeves.
With such fresh cuts as deep as mine
I’ll keep them to my self
Because their mine
Here goes another day living in the life of me…
14 supposedly a beauty queen
FinallyÂ in her teens
Always out there causing a scene
Skipping meals to finally become lean
WishingÂ she could be truly seen
Here it goes in the life of me..
Since this passed January, I am 30 years old.
I have never dated, never kissed a woman, and (obviously) never had sex.
The enormity of what it would take to reverse my current mindset to help alleviate some of the above issuesâ€¦is a hill I donâ€™t try climbing any more; Iâ€™m too far behind at this point. On the good days I push my resignation to the back of my mind, and it just sits there in acceptance. On the bad days, all thoughts of â€œwhat could have beenâ€, the sense of loss, crash home and itâ€™s only for lack of having easy access to a gun that I sit here typing this.
Sitting alone the other day, it dawned on me that in my belief, a life having not experienced love (of a non-family member) is pointless. I thought about how I found it odd that something Iâ€™d never experienced could drive me to wanting to end my life for lack of having experienced it.
If I donâ€™t want to try to reach for that goal any more thenâ€¦why wait?