so i tried killing myself for the fifth time yesterday…but did it work? no. it never does. i guess in a way im glad it didnt work…i dont like to hurt people(on the off chance that it would hurt someone). but i cant help but wish that it did work. i dont know, maybe i should just stop trying….i just am afraid to live.
I’ve felt this way for a while now. I’m an atheist. I considered myself christian for a while but decided it wasnt for me. I’ve never really had anything against people who believe in god but I never understood why they did really. Now though, now I just cant take it anymore. I’m so sick and tired of hearing about people giving god credit for their acheivements and blaming the devil for their misfortunes. That shit is absolute tripe. Where do all the good things come from? luck. Where do all the bad things come from? luck. Luck is the reason for everything. People like to think if they work hard then all their hard work will be rewarded with riches, pride, glory and a nice happy ending. Well that’s utter bullshit. A man can put his all in to everything he does and still end up dying early, alone and miserable. A deadbeat loser can also win the lottery and live happily ever after. If you push two men out of a second story window, one being a law abiding citizen and the other a child molester, the law abiding citizen has just as must chance of getting hurt or dying as the child molester. There is no god and even on the off chance there was he clearly doesn’t give two shits what you do. You can claim that there’s all these afterlife rewards but there’s no guarantee. All the people who claim to hear god are a bunch of crazies that also think the devil lives inside their penis. I mean JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE! WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO SHOW YOU HOW STUPID THIS IS!? GOD!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? You christians tell me that some omniscient, omnipotent being made us all the way we are. He made us in his image? Well humans fucking suck. So god must too. I don’t care who responds to this, just know I won’t say anything back. This was simply a rant. If it bothered you…maybe you have some more critical thinking to do.
I never thought things would come to this… but here I am, writing.
At age 25 I found out that I had to have urgent open heart surgery to replace my aortic valve. I was in 60% heart failure without even knowing it and could have died at any time. I had the procedure done, and am alive and kicking… though I opted for a tissue valve (so I could enjoy a higher quality of life) and was told that it would only last roughly ten years. It is now three years later, I just turned 28, and post-traumatic stress disorder finally kicked in. I moved to Vegas (something I always wanted to do) a year after my surgery and had the time of my life… for a while. Gradually things started to get worse on a personal front, I became depressed about where my life was going, and I turned to gambling.
When I moved I was roughly $30,000 in debt but could easily pay my monthly payments and it didn’t bother me. I was working my way out of it and things were dandy. My credit score was in the high 700’s and nothing could stop me… until I started gambling… in search of a quicker way out of my debt. It started small and progressively got bigger and bigger. At one point I was gambling $15 a hand playing video poker and tossing thousands of dollars into the machines. I was always able to stay afloat thanks to my good credit and extensive credit lines on my cards. Yep, I started taking massive cash advances. Winning taxables became an obsession. I was always looking for that next big hit. At one point I had cleared all of my losses and even told myself that I needed to stop before gambling became a problem. I stopped for a few weeks, but then the bug bite me with a vengence and I slid down a terrible losing streak. I started chasing my losses and before I knew it… my cards were maxed out and I was an additional $30,000 in debt. I’ve even gone so far as gambling my money for bills in the off-chance that I’ll win and be able to pay them.
Nothing seems real anymore and I feel like I’m living in a bad dream. I am in denial as to what I’ve done to myself and am waiting to wake up from the nightmare.
The reason for all of this? I’ve become tired of living in this world and all of it’s hardships. I’m tired of dealing with the idea of having to undergo another surgery in 7 years with an increased chance of death. I’m tired of paying bills that don’t really go down.
I got a second chance on life, lived it up, and in a few short months thrashed it all to pieces… forced to live in misery with what I’ve allowed myself to do. I feel like having to deal with the knowledge that I overstepped the boundaries that I set for myself is worse then being dead. Â Suicide runs in my family and it finally hit me. My uncle killed himself, my dad tried to kill himself twice (i saved his life before it was too late the second time), and my cousin is severely depressed. I should have known better, but never felt this way until 2009 hit. It was all downhill from there. I have hit rock bottom. I have betrayed my friends, my family, and most importantly myself. I thought about driving my car into a wall numerous times on my way home from a hard night at the casino… but what would my family do? It would devastate them. Thanks for listening.