One choice, one option, one and only thing that feels right to do. I’m in my junior year and as it’s believed that junior year is the most ‘important’ or whatever. So yeah, everyone expects and thinks that the entire day I keep studying in my room cause I had to tell them that I need to be alone if I am studying. But anyway, school is the last thing that I could be doing (no matter how much my “friends” call me a nerd). So yeah, now I can’t even be sad, I just have to keep pretending to study which is horrible. It is fucking horrible. It’s tiring to pretend to be ok everyday in front of the people who claim that they love me or who were destined to be my family. But now I think that I have to hide the pain (from myself) and be normal in front of myself too. Cause that’s the only option left. And yeah I’ve heard the theory that if we try to hide our negativity from ourselves again and again, then one day that negativity would come out as an explosion, destroying everything and mocking all those days and months that helped us to hide that pain. But, you know what, fuck it, let it happen, let it come out one day and put an end to me. I don’t care if I would be ready for that explosion or not, but at least I won’t face these tiny burning matches everyday (I’m not sure, but I think so). It’s like a single bullet is a lot better than dying little by little. Okay, so there are two ways to interpret the last sentence. The first one is, in simple words, commiting suicide. While the second one is, in a bit twisted words, postponing suicide. And idgaf if the second one sounds maniac cause I’ve tried to do the first one and I didn’t complete it. So, now I’m left with the second option, just let it be, let the pain sink inside me, let the dark thoughts rest for a while, let me keep convincing myself that I am normal. Let me slap the negative feelings and push them back inside. Idk if this will help me or not but if I tried the first method, I have to be unbiased with the second one too. (Some of you might be thinking that there’s a third or fourth or god knows how many other options which are way better, like dealing with my issues, seeking help from a pro, medications, etc etc.) But all these won’t work for me (I know they won’t, I’m sure they won’t). Now, just a little reminder that I AM NOT ACCEPTING THESE THOUGHTS, I’M JUST LETTING THEM CRAWL DEEPER SO THAT THEY GET LOST IN SOMEWHERE AND TAKE A WHILE TO FIND THEIR WAY BACK TO ME. And in this while, let me just have peace and the power of being normal.
I thought I was okay with being different but the more I think about it the more I realise if I was actually okay with it, it wouldn’t bother me so much when people stare or talk about me -_- why is it so difficult for people to just leave me alone. I understand i’m easy to make fun of but really who doesn’t have something about them that can be made fun of.
I started a new job about a month ago. For as long as I hoped to get a position like it, now that I’m in the middle of it, being trained to do what I was hired to do, I feel like I’m falling apart inside. I’m a perfectionist and my training has been a real difficulty. Making so many mistakes and feeling so embarrassed and ashamed…My confidence is gone. I look around me and feel as if I don’t belong there. As if this is what everyone else is thinking but they just won’t come out and say it. I have great doubt that I will get the hang of this job by the time my first 90 days are through. I’m already imagining what I’ll say to the supervisor if I have to eventually admit I’m not ready yet to try all the responsibilities on my own.
The worst part is how isolated I feel and have never really been able to get away from. I’ve got no one but my mother and she doesn’t even seem to like me anymore. Because I worry so much and am not happy. I can’t pretend it anymore and after today’s bunch of mistakes and embarrassments, I returned to the idea of cutting my life short. Just the thought lifts a weight off me that I really need gone. It’s the only thing that stopped my crying today. Remembering I always have the option. I can’t accept I’m any good to the world I live in, and for the people who left and never came back- I get the message. I’m not the one worth saving. Either I’m okay and can live knowing it, or I can’t. And I’m not okay.
April 4th, 2008 I met the boy who i knew would be the one i want to marry.
It was the Spring Fling dance at Live Oak Park in Temple City, CA. It was filled with 6th, 7th and 8th graders. I was in 7th grade and one of my good friends and I wanted to see who could dance with the most guys that night. So i went around and started shaking my butt for 3 seconds on random boys. At the end of the night, i was talking to a boy who i thought was cute till i found out he was in 6th grade. My friends were all around me and we were talking and laughing outside since the dance was over, and some boy (Carlos Mota), interrupted. He said, are you Savannah? And i said yes… and he said do you know Gibby? and i said who? and he said Gibby, Andrew Gibson? And i said no… and he said well he thinks your cute. By the time i looked at my friends to ask them if they knew who he was, i looked back and that boy was gone. My best friend at the time, Mia, said Oh my god Savannah, Gibby is the hottest 8th grader at our school! He plays flag football, hangs out with jojo torres, the guy Alex (one of our other friends) has a crush on! But still i didnt know who they were talking about and i couldn’t put a face to him because it was dark inside the dance area and i went around dancing with a lot of boys that night. So then, my friends and i walked over to the building across the way, to get our bags. A group of boys approached us, about 5-7 boys. And the one who liked me, came up to me and said hi, I’m Andrew Gibson, will you be my girlfriend? And i laughed and said, i dont even know you… and his friends were saying, cmon give him a chance dont be mean! And i took my friends side kick, and pretended it was my phone, and we exchanged numbers. I told him i’d give him a call with my answer. Two days later, i call him and said yes i’ll be your girlfriend, meet me in front of school tomorrow at the black gates.
That was it. April 6th 2008, Andrew Gibson was the one i fell madly in love with. When summer came, he was always in football practice because he was entering the 9th grade and i was in summer school going into 8th. We were together for about 3 months. During the summer, my friend Lynn and I walked about 8 miles to go to his house. He was home alone with his friend, and walking over there, my friend was asking if we were going to do anything. I was so nervous thinking what if he wanted too, I’m not ready for that! But we went over there and just watched t.v and hung out for a few hours and left. It was hard to see each other because we were so young and it was summer. Unfortunately, I thought this guy in my class liked me, so i wanted to break it off with Andrew because it seemed more easier since me and this kid, Nick Kaneko would be in the same school where as Andrew would be in high school. I asked Andrew to ride his bike to my friends house before he went to football practice, and i broke up with him on July 16, 2008. He was really sad and his eyes filled with tears as he rode off to practice. The next day i found out this kid Nick didnt even like me or want me and he was hitting on some girl name Nina. I went to find this girl to say who does she think she is. Long story short, this girl turned out to be my best friend and still is till this day. We both left that boy behind and started a really close friendship.
I tried to contact Andrew to tell him i wanted to get back with him, but when he found out i broke up with him for someone else, he didnt want me back. He said i broke his heart and he was too scared i’d do it again. So from that day on, i decided i would never ever give up on getting him back no matter what. I called him almost everyday for that summer, and then it turned into every other week, to every so often during the month, to every other month or so. Sometimes he wouldn’t answer but when he would answer, we would talk for hours and hours. At the end of the every phone call i would say i love you no matter what and he would just say i know. He was my Teddy Bear and i was his Honey Bunny. I never stopped trying to get back with him for years. Throughout the time we broke up, there were people i dated and he too as well. But it never stopped my love for him. Everyone knew that i always wanted to be with Andrew Gibson and if he were to come back to me at any point in time, i would always be there. I would never stop chasing him because i knew i loved him and i could never feel the way i did with him, with anyone else.
When i entered 9th grade, i wasn’t sure how to act around him. He would kinda stay his distance from me and would occasionally glance at me and i would always smile really big. I sat a table for lunch that was near where he sat. We would stare at each other and i would be all jittery with butterflies in my tummy. I was so in love with him regardless of my boyfriends in between. We didnt really talk much besides look at each other once in awhile. But all his friends new i was in love with him and they would tease me about it. There was one day i will never forget, which was when i first got my glasses, and i went to the bathroom during class. I was walking in the hall way and he was passing by with his friend and he said, “You got glasses? They look cute on you.” And i smiled and said thank you…. and once he turned the corner i started skipping and jumping and texting all my friends, “GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT ANDREW GIBSON TOLD ME I LOOK CUTE WITH MY GLASSES!!” I was so happy that he called me cute. Just that coming from him meant everything to me. I loved him, and i still and always will. It was always random when he would take the time to acknowledge me and when he did, it was the best feeling in the world. Most of the days, he would just look at me and keep walking with his friends. He knew i wanted him still.. in fact everyone in the high school knew. All of his friends in his grade would tell me… you are obsessed with Gibby and i would just be like YUP! I loved that kid more then he’d ever know and i was dying to get him back. No one really knew that we would occasionally talk on the phone for hours long but my friends.
As a sophomore, i ended up switching schools and so did he for his junior year. We were farther apart now. But it still didnt stop our random late night phone calls. There was a few times we actually went on a date to the movies but he would stop talking to me for a whole month or two after. It would always get me all worked up thinking i had a chance with him but he still wasn’t ready.
After awhile i did not see him much unless his football team was playing against our old school or my new school.
April 16, 2011 and we bumped into each other at my friends kick back. I was already buzzed and i had a bottle of tequila. I saw him and got so excited! He was with his friends from his new school so i gladly introduced myself as his ex girlfriend who still loved him. I kept trying to give them some of my drink because i wanted him to be on my level. We made out!!! I was so happy until the next door neighbor said they were calling the cops cause there was about 50-70 people there. So everyone scrammed. I told Andrew to keep in touch and to respond to me! That night i went home and messaged him on Facebook and told him that i had fun with him and that i still really liked him. Then i see that he had asked another girl to prom the week after and i got so upset. Why didnt he ask me? So after i told him how i felt, i stopped talking to him.
Towards the end of June, i got a call from a blocked number and the guy said, this is Gibby, i know you still want me lets get back together. I knew it wasn’t Andrew so i hung up. I called Andrew and i said, Hi and he said Who’s this, I said its Savannah. He said, Oh hey whats up how are you and my heart dropped… thinking to myself, oh my gosh oh my gosh.. and i said I’m good how are you and he said I’m good I’m about to go to the gym with Victor and i said oh sorry i don’t mean to bother but i was wondering did you just call me? And he said no i got a new phone so i didn’t even have your number and i said oh okay someone prank called me pretending to be you but never mind anyways don’t want to bother you and he said no its okay how you been? What are you up too? And i said oh not much just looking forward to summer and he said we should hang out next week, and i said yeah just text me and he said okay bye! Oh my gosh my heart was racing an i ran to my sister to tell her!
The following week we had planned for him to come over. I was so nervous, and i knew he was too because he said what are we going to do and i said i don’t know what ever you want and he said lets just watch a movie. I could tell he was scared we would have sex. So i went to meet up with him up my street and we walked to my house together, and we both had huge smiles on our face. It was really hot outside, and i was wearing black jeans and a sweatshirt. So when we got to my house, i showed him my room and then i said I’m going to change really quick as i started taking my pants off. He was like oh okay and started to close the door and i said no its okay you don’t have to close it and he was just staring at me, and then it happened. Before i could put on my shorts, he started kissing me and i told him, are you sure you want to do this and he said yes. As much as i would love to go into detail about it, some things are better kept as memories in which i will cherish.
So after that day, surprisingly he kept talking to me and we dated for 2 months until i went to his little sisters birthday party on August 13 2011. We were in his room watching a movie, an he said i have to ask you something an i said okay, and i was really scared. He said no no never mind and i said no tell me! And he said… will you be my girlfriend? and I said are you kidding me!!! YESS!!! and we kissed! I sent out a mass text to all my girlfriends that have known since day 1 that i wanted him back when we broke up years back. Then he said i need to tell you something an i said okay… and he said i don’t know if i should say it and i said no tell me! And he said, i love you. And then again i sent out a text saying OMG HE JUST TOLD ME HE LOVES ME!!! Of course i said it back because i have been saying it to him over the years! It was the best day of my life. I have never felt more content in life. Those years of wishing every night at 11:11 to make him want me back, or to be back with him, or to marry him and every candle i blew out on my birthday wishing he would come back to me and now it finally happened!!
But there was one thing that scared me…… I wouldn’t be chasing him anymore. I wouldn’t be calling him and having those late night hours talking to him and telling him i love him and him not saying it back. There wouldn’t be those sparks of “oh my gosh he talked to me” anymore. I finally got him back, and i felt a sense of confusion. I wanted him back so bad but i was terrified to loose him again. He promised me we would never break up and we would get married. He knew i was the one…
That was the beginning of our journey.
I have been the happiest I’ve been in years these past few months. I’ve been feeling confident and beautiful but today all my depression flooded back. I know it’s going to be bad again. I’m not going to be able to get out of bed again. I have a beautiful 5 month old Husky. He is my best friend in the world and I love him so much. He doesn’t really care for me though haha but I don’t mind because I love him so much. But I know I’m not going to provide him with the care he needs anymore. I knows this hole I’m in right now is going to consume me for a while and he deserves better than having to stay in his crate until 1 pm because I slept through all of my alarms. I’m going to have to give him up. It breaks my heart because he’s all I have. I don’t have a human best friend and my mom does her best to pretend to like spending time with me and like me in general but I know she doesn’t. And it’s okay because I understand. But basically I’m going to have to endure months of isolation and sadness just like last summer.(I went out with friends a total of 3 times the whole summer) I’m going to miss my baby so much by I know he’ll be better off without me.
Let me know if you’re okay.. okay? My email is email@example.com if you don’t want to talk publicly..
My urges to kill are getting worse along with my apathy. So, I picked one of the worst days to escape. Yet, I find it amusing in a sadistic sort of way. For my sins, burning in Hell is a fate far too kind for me. I’m a monster… And I’m okay with that.
Why does it always come back? For awhile, things are okay…not as anxious, not as depressed, and then, like finding that letter you thought you’d mailed in your pocket…your heart sinks when you realize, you are standing in the same place you have already been… I thought I’d moved forward… Turns out, I was only dreaming
Yes. I’m okay.
I can finally breathe. Exams are over. 2 rotations down, 4 more to go.
I feel… Alive.
No cutting needed. Haven’t made a cut in over 2 months.
Suicide thoughts… What is that again?
I’m moving on. I’m moving forward. Ylem is getting her life back on track and I couldn’t be happier.
I’ll make a proper update when I’m not as busy. Just wanted to pop in, say hi and see how all of you have been doing.
Keep smiling peeps.
Ylem is out!!
What I did while in a dark ugly pit for four days:
— After not eating for a whole day, parked in the cemetery and listened to THIS until the sun went down. It’s my number one dark-pit-of-depression song because the warped ugliness is so obvious, and the video is bizarre.
— Took what I hoped was a lethal dose of Tramadol. Didn’t receive a lot of SP notice and ended up deleting the post, figuring I might as well go on my own. Also deleted the previous post about leaving a suicide note. No comments on that one anyway. Considered driving with a brain full of Tramadol and speeding into a tree at 75mph.
With my luck, seeing double (or triple or quad), I would have sped into the wrong tree and ended up in the middle of somebody’s field.
I could just imagine it:
Approaching Farmer: What seems to be the problem, little lady?
Me: I seem to be sinking into your field.
Farmer: That seems mighty unfortunate, seen’s how I just finished fertilizing it this afternoon.
Farmer: And other things, yep.
Me: Can I borrow your shotgun?
— Went home.
— Woke up.
I have about 80 Tramadol left.
I like the fact that Tramadol rhymes with “Damn It All”.
I am still not okay.
Falling so far from yesterday
Slowly, all of the colors fade
Sunshine dancing through the alleyway
Beautifully executed last ballet
And the audience was pleased
To have been the ones to see
Blue eyes turning green
In the limelight of the street
When the curtain is pulled
The whole city will go cold
And the fire from the foxhole
Cannot be controlled
So if you heard it, yesterday
Take back the words you’ll never say
Like “I’m okay,” and “Will you stay?”
Enjoy the show and press replay.
Falling so far from yesterday
Slowly, all of the colors fade
From black to white, and gold to grey
Enjoy the show and press replay.
Enjoy the show and press replay.
Enjoy the show and press replay.
Enjoy the show and press replay.
Fam pick me up from work instantly depressed hit me like a ton of bricks I was pretty much fine and okay all day and then all of a sudden in a bad mood .
* fart noise*
When you’re laying in your room not knowing if you can keep going, remember something for me, okay?
You are amazing and perfect just the way you are. Nobody is ever weak. You are stronger than you could ever possibly imagine.
You know why?
Because we all have a flame of strength in our hearts. It burns bright even when our hearts are badly damaged. Our hearts continue to fight for us so we should always continue to fight for them. The flame cannot go out until our last breath is taken. So, you are always strong. Just have to keep that in mind.
I know life can be hard, but you can make it easier for yourself to handle.
By believing in yourself and always making it to tomorrow.
I know you can do it. I believe in you.
With all my heart and more.
I am okay. I mean, I may want to die, but I am okay with that. I don’t care about much anymore. It’s hard because everyone wants to help, kind of. They don’t want you to kill yourself. So they tell you how you have so much to live for, how they would feel if you left, how nothing lasts forever. I know nothing lasts forever. I just don’t see a reason to keep going, but I do keep going because I don’t really have a choice. What I wish they would see is that there is pain even when I do keep going.
I want to die and the urge is so unbearably strong. Right now, I don’t know whether to leave a note, I have no idea what to write and I’m thinking whether it’s okay to just leave the world without a note. I don’t want people who care (if any) to hurt anymore than they should trying to cope with the loss.
For the first time someone envied me. It was my sister nonetheless. She envied my temporarily contentment and mistook it for happiness. Her tear stained cheeks, and hurt smile stirred the inner demons inside of me. The ones that thrived on the lost, the broken. It took a fairly decent amount of my mental health to hug and talk to her about what was bothering her and then sharing some of my *gag* feelings. I had to explain to her that in that moment I am content, not happy but i am okay with just being alive for now. That within an hour or so that moment of temporarily contentment will pass and my thoughts will kick in and render me into a curled up piece of shit on the floor that people will prod and speak to, but will walk away when they realize that you’re not their fantasy girl. When they realized that you cant be helped
I don’t know if I’ve ever been quite this serious about it before. I’ve known I wanted to die since I can remember, even as a child. I’ve been toying with methods since I was twelve. I’ve come close out of anger and extreme sadness, apathy. But I don’t know if I’ve ever been this practical about it. It’s surreal. Like, okay, this is really it. You will cease to exist now. Everyone will still be there and you won’t be. You won’t know how everyone will get on.
It’s kind of like Andy Warhol said. He would rather watch every party he’s invited to on a monitor in his bedroom. I don’t want to be here, but it’s hard to give up all awareness.
I feel sick being around my family. They have literally no idea. But I really can’t stay, I’ve gone over it a thousand times, my entire life. I think you know you’re not supposed to be here when it wouldn’t matter what type of life you had. I don’t want to be happy. I want to be dead.
So, one thing that pissed off my (ex boy) friend that I still have feelings for… I’m never honest. Of course for some reason he always knows exactly how I feel. He knew that I was crying, he knew I was panicking, he knew when I was lying. That made getting away with saying “I’m okay” and “it’s okay” religiously when I was at my worst a nightmare. I’m not used to being honest with people in my life. I post my darker thoughts here and allow everyone in person to believe that I’m just great. Happy go lucky Brittany so confident and full of life…
I wish she was real. For the sake of not only myself but everyone around me. God she’d be such a better person to have around…
So I’ma be brutally honest, even if it’s just here… it’s a start.
I fucking hate my guts. I hate my face, I hate my body, I hate every physical aspect of me… I hate that I overthink everything and ruin it, and that I’m clingy and get overly attached to people. I’m not as fine as I seem. Last night I only got an hour and a half of sleep between anxiety attacks and that’s only because when my body gave out I didn’t have the will to open my eyes again. I hate every god damn smile I’ve had to force, every time I had to tell people I was fine because I didn’t want to hurt them. I hate that I can’t even feel happy anymore without feeling guilty about it because I don’t deserve it. I’m a really shitty person, I really am.
Most of all right now I hate myself for not being good enough. I hate that I’m hurt because he finally realized that… but then again, I’m also happy he did…