One choice, one option, one and only thing that feels right to do. I’m in my junior year and as it’s believed that junior year is the most ‘important’ or whatever. So yeah, everyone expects and thinks that the entire day I keep studying in my room cause I had to tell them that I need to be alone if I am studying. But anyway, school is the last thing that I could be doing (no matter how much my “friends” call me a nerd). So yeah, now I can’t even be sad, I just have to keep pretending to study which is horrible. It […]
I thought I was okay with being different but the more I think about it the more I realise if I was actually okay with it, it wouldn’t bother me so much when people stare or talk about me -_- why is it so difficult for people to just leave me alone. I understand i’m easy to make fun of but really who doesn’t have something about them that can be made fun of.
April 4th, 2008 I met the boy who i knew would be the one i want to marry.
It was the Spring Fling dance at Live Oak Park in Temple City, CA. It was filled with 6th, 7th and 8th graders. I was in 7th grade and one of my good friends and I wanted to see who could dance with the most guys that night. So i went around and started shaking my butt for 3 seconds on random boys. At the end of the night, i was talking to a boy who i thought was cute till i found out he was in 6th […]
I have been the happiest I’ve been in years these past few months. I’ve been feeling confident and beautiful but today all my depression flooded back. I know it’s going to be bad again. I’m not going to be able to get out of bed again. I have a beautiful 5 month old Husky. He is my best friend in the world and I love him so much. He doesn’t really care for me though haha but I don’t mind because I love him so much. But I know I’m not going to provide him with the care he needs anymore. I knows this hole […]
Let me know if you’re okay.. okay? My email is devinbelver@yahoo.com if you don’t want to talk publicly..
My urges to kill are getting worse along with my apathy. So, I picked one of the worst days to escape. Yet, I find it amusing in a sadistic sort of way. For my sins, burning in Hell is a fate far too kind for me. I’m a monster… And I’m okay with that.
Why does it always come back? For awhile, things are okay…not as anxious, not as depressed, and then, like finding that letter you thought you’d mailed in your pocket…your heart sinks when you realize, you are standing in the same place you have already been… I thought I’d moved forward… Turns out, I was only dreaming
Yes. I’m okay.
I can finally breathe. Exams are over. 2 rotations down, 4 more to go.
I feel… Alive.
No cutting needed. Haven’t made a cut in over 2 months.
Suicide thoughts… What is that again?
I’m moving on. I’m moving forward. Ylem is getting her life back on track and I couldn’t be happier.
I’ll make a proper update when I’m not as busy. Just wanted to pop in, say hi and see how all of you have been doing.
Keep smiling peeps.
Ylem is out!!
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
What I did while in a dark ugly pit for four days:
— After not eating for a whole day, parked in the cemetery and listened to THIS until the sun went down. It’s my number one dark-pit-of-depression song because the warped ugliness is so obvious, and the video is bizarre.
— Took what I hoped was a lethal dose of Tramadol. Didn’t receive a lot of SP notice and ended up deleting the post, figuring I might as well go on my own. Also deleted the previous post about leaving a suicide note. No comments on that one anyway. Considered driving with a brain […]
Falling so far from yesterday
Slowly, all of the colors fade
Sunshine dancing through the alleyway
Beautifully executed last ballet
And the audience was pleased
To have been the ones to see
Blue eyes turning green
In the limelight of the street
When the curtain is pulled
The whole city will go cold
And the fire from the foxhole
Cannot be controlled
So if you heard it, yesterday
Take back the words you’ll never say
Like “I’m okay,” and “Will you stay?”
Enjoy the show and press replay.
Falling so far from yesterday
Slowly, all of the colors fade
From black to white, and gold to grey
Enjoy the […]
Fam pick me up from work instantly depressed hit me like a ton of bricks I was pretty much fine and okay all day and then all of a sudden in a bad mood .
* fart noise*
When you’re laying in your room not knowing if you can keep going, remember something for me, okay?
You are amazing and perfect just the way you are. Nobody is ever weak. You are stronger than you could ever possibly imagine.
You know why?
Because we all have a flame of strength in our hearts. It burns bright even when our hearts are badly damaged. Our hearts continue to fight for us so we should always continue to fight for them. The flame cannot go out until our last breath is taken. So, you are always strong. Just have to keep that in mind.
I know life can be […]
I am okay. I mean, I may want to die, but I am okay with that. I don’t care about much anymore. It’s hard because everyone wants to help, kind of. They don’t want you to kill yourself. So they tell you how you have so much to live for, how they would feel if you left, how nothing lasts forever. I know nothing lasts forever. I just don’t see a reason to keep going, but I do keep going because I don’t really have a choice. What I wish they would see is that there is pain even when I do keep going.
I want to die and the urge is so unbearably strong. Right now, I don’t know whether to leave a note, I have no idea what to write and I’m thinking whether it’s okay to just leave the world without a note. I don’t want people who care (if any) to hurt anymore than they should trying to cope with the loss.
For the first time someone envied me. It was my sister nonetheless. She envied my temporarily contentment and mistook it for happiness. Her tear stained cheeks, and hurt smile stirred the inner demons inside of me. The ones that thrived on the lost, the broken. It took a fairly decent amount of my mental health to hug and talk to her about what was bothering her and then sharing some of my *gag* feelings. I had to explain to her that in that moment I am content, not happy but i am okay with just being alive for now. That within an hour or so […]
I don’t know if I’ve ever been quite this serious about it before. I’ve known I wanted to die since I can remember, even as a child. I’ve been toying with methods since I was twelve. I’ve come close out of anger and extreme sadness, apathy. But I don’t know if I’ve ever been this practical about it. It’s surreal. Like, okay, this is really it. You will cease to exist now. Everyone will still be there and you won’t be. You won’t know how everyone will get on.
It’s kind of like Andy Warhol said. He would rather watch every party he’s invited to on […]
So, one thing that pissed off my (ex boy) friend that I still have feelings for… I’m never honest. Of course for some reason he always knows exactly how I feel. He knew that I was crying, he knew I was panicking, he knew when I was lying. That made getting away with saying “I’m okay” and “it’s okay” religiously when I was at my worst a nightmare. I’m not used to being honest with people in my life. I post my darker thoughts here and allow everyone in person to believe that I’m just great. Happy go lucky Brittany so confident and full of life…
I […]
ok before anyone thinks I’m trying to off myself again, I mean let myself not get stuff done.
I have exams in 3 days and have done quite literally nothing to even begin preparing for them. I need to study and get organized in order to be get the grades I need. I didn’t do anything yesterday after I tried to kill myself but it didn’t work (I’m physically fine just a little inconvenienced) and I didn’t do anything after classes today either. Thinking about how much I need to do and how I have done nothing is reinforcing all the reasons I want to off […]
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