When i got back from my gospel camp i felt “new” in a way i felt good inside everything was turning around then the “shit hit the fan”. About a few weeks from being back my little sister went to Seattle for her round up band thing and my mother is a volunteer for this band. turns out my mom met some guy who is another volunteer with the round up band and now my parents are splitting up and that’s just one of the things that making me stress out hardcore. If any of you have read my other posts you would have noticed that i talk about this girl Morgan a lot well i thought i finally got over her i thought that i would never see her again but since i apologized for being a total asshole after she left me we start talking and it just so happens that she is moving the exact same city i live in. Now im starting to develop those feelings i had for her all over again and believe me when i say that i want Morgan because i do truly love her but i know she has none of these feelings for me. One of my best friends said that i just pick the wrong women in-fact she called my most recent ex a “cake face” but i know deep down in what was once a heart that i love he. Another big stress issue is that i cant find a full time job right now like i have a part time job but i need money to help pay the bills seeing how my mother is now refusing to pay child support so we are just barley getting by with bills and food money im still on the hunt for a job but personally i think that i have to get this other stress off my back before i can work any where because my mind would always be else where. The word trust is defined as “Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something” how can i ever truly trust another person again like i trusted my mother and look what happened i trusted Morgan with my heart and look what happened i only truly trust one person on this world and that’s my best friend Kiro. Kiro and i have been best friends since we were 4 years old he takes care of me when im down he actually is more concerned about my health then i am and that is funny. how can i have another girlfriend if i cant trust her how can i have a wife if i cant trust her i try and trust people but i end up getting fucked over in the end hell im considering going back to smoking like im already drinking when ever i have the money. With all of this shit going on in my life right now i feel like just wanting to end it all but in the end i just don’t know what to do anymore. Life is about a controlled society and that involves rules and i broke my rule ” TRUST NO ONE ‘ SUSPECT EVERYONE.
One Of My Best Friends
I’m sorry for the upcoming vent, I need to get it out.
So, I really want to kill myself right now.
I just miss my brother like hell, ever since he took his own life about 10 months ago, i haven’t been happy. Time drags me through life but i don’t want to. I don’t want to move on because it feels like forgetting. And I hate myself because i feel like i’m already starting to forget how exactly his voice sounded or how his smile was. He was my everything, besides my brother also my best friend.
Then besides that, i feel so lonely. It feels like it’s just me against the world, like no one is willing to at least try and help me. Nobody seems to give a fuck about me or how i feel. And though i know it’s not true because i know for sure my parents care about me and love me, it still feels like this.
And then there’s my friends. Well ‘friends’ because they don’t do anything to help me. There’s only one I talk to about how i actually feel but my conversations with her are just, i don’t know, i don’t feel better afterwards. All the other ones never ask me about how i feel. And then just now, one of my ‘best friends’ started a fight with me over something i didn’t even do. And i mean, come on, it’s something so small, i can’t even believe she’s mad about it. She thinks i blocked her on fb-chat while i didn’t, but she won’t believe me. I mean, come on? She was saying things like: ‘Our friendship is over, i knew it wouldn’t last long, don’t try to talk to me, just leave me alone, you have lost me.’
And i know the last thing is kinda silly to want to kill myself for, but it’s just everything combined. Just life in general doesn’t seem to work for me. It’s too much. Because i can’t deal with the loss of my brother, go on with my life, have friends, maintain those friendships, fight my friends once in a while and stay alive all at once. I just can’t.
I wasn’t planning on posting here for another couple of days, but recent circumstances have altered my plans. June 27, 2010 is the day that one of my best friends took his own life. I write a memorial post here each year on that day as a way for me to remember him by. Last night another one of my friends committed suicide. It’s been numbing, as I’ve realized how little it affects me. Not because I don’t care, as this is a person that I had a great deal of respect for, and someone that I genuinely enjoyed being around. I know he had been struggling for a long time, and I can accept his very personal decision to end his own life. I think that’s the viewpoint I’ve gained since going through a suicide before and dealing with my own suicidal thoughts.
I met Nic a few years ago, and he seemed to be happy enough. He was funny, charismatic and intelligent. Maybe a little bit weird or awkward or any other word that you’d like to use. But who isn’t? I liked him. He was real and I could really appreciate that. As I began to grow closer I found his constant references and jokes about suicide to be slightly off-putting, due to my own past experience. I wondered about the degree of truth behind it all. As it turns out, it was all too real.
As I said before, his death itself wasn’t as devastating as it was to others. It wasn’t my first time. I kind of know the drill, if that’s something that can ever be said on a topic such as this. But there’s a bit of a personal twist for me. In January I started dating a girl that I had had feelings for for quite some time. I guess he had also been vying for her for quite some time. She wasn’t interested in him, and made that perfectly clear to him many times. She told him that beyond her own lack of feelings, she didn’t want to date someone that she was friends with. Enter me. We had been friends for a while, and when he found out that we were dating, he lost it a bit. The end result was him ending up in the psyche ward at our local hospital. I felt terrible. We weren’t best friends or anything, so I wasn’t quite aware of his situation entirely. Both with his own depression and his feelings for her.
I didn’t visit him in the hospital. I didn’t know how he would react to seeing me, knowing that I was with someone that he so very much wanted to be with. I knew deep down that he would have an adverse reaction to her dating anyone, but the fact that it was me, and he was someone that I cared about really made it difficult. I talked to him at school once with a mutual friend in early February, and he seemed off. Very quiet. I assumed embarrassment about his time in the hospital, as he was a proud and secretive person. I respected him for that and knew that I might not exactly be at the top of his list of people he wants to see. That was the last time I had any direct contact with him. He attempted suicide in March, I believe it was, although I only know this through mutual friends. He had been in and out of the hospital a few times, and it broke my heart. Then, last night, I received the call that he had passed away. I’m still not sure how I feel about it all.
If I learned anything from my first experience with suicide, it’s that every person needs to do what is best for themselves, and make themselves happy first and foremost. If everyone could do that, we would all be happy, and that is really the ideal situation. So I don’t regret dating her. I don’t regret continuing to do so. I just feel selfish. He’s gone, and I am here. I’ve been happy lately. The happiest I think I have ever been. Certainly the happiest since I had begun self-harming and thinking of suicide. Ultimately I know that no single person could have made him happy. It was deep within himself that the unhappiness originated. But the feeling of guilt is still there for me. I at least wish that I had talked to him about my own experiences with depression and the affiliated emotions. I really should have been there for him, even if he was still mad at me.
Nic is resting now though. The world that had been so difficult is now gone. For that I am happy. He was a great person. He is a great person. He will forever live on in my heart, and I hope that in some form he is able to forgive me. I was just trying to be happy, Nic. I love you so very much, and I miss you. I hope that in leaving this earth you have achieved that which you wanted to. Be it freedom, peace, rest or the afterlife. Whatever you desired, I wish with all of my heart that it is now yours.
Sleep well, my friend. May eternal peace be with you.
I’ve tried and failed and I want to do it again i cut everyday and the only one how is stoping me is my friend I have been called a disease a parasite ugly fat and that I should kill myself one of my best friends hung himself and I want to die to every day I think about it and I even find things I would do it with I’ve tried hanging and it dissent work so have any other ideas of how to die
I’m losing it. I can’t go on. I once thought I was strong. I once was able to help people, some very simular in my situation. I once thought that I had a life to live and a life to give. No more. Suicide is a daily hell I have to face. Depression from 17 years of shit and depression and bullying and attacks. I’ve gone too far. I thought I could make it. I need help. I have lost all hope to go on, all hope to live. I am a author, a carpenter, an artist, an engineer, an interior designer, programer, computerÂ technician, and an electrician. Too name a few skills and talents. I have gone through bully after bully, and I have just came across the worst ones yet. No one would have seen this coming. They’re my parents. I got together with aÂ beautifulÂ girl, and I thought she was that special one for me. No more. Every time she left my darkened home, the first things my parents would do would break me to tears. I tried to keep my girlfriends’ life especially private, but it’s damn hard to do that when you are being tortured over it. Finally I gave in and told them her religion. First time i cried in nine years. I thought I was so used to pain…and I was wrong…I did not even cry when the rest of my family died, my loved pets, or one of my best friends. I just stood silent. I am stalked. Or was. I’m not sure anymore. I’m shaking even as I am typing this…I’m so fucking scared. I broke up with my girlfriend. But it was not my decision. My parents convinced her to brake up with me. So I naturally ended it all. Now I’m regretting losing the one I loved. I tried recently to talk to one girl I liked and that I knew that loved me. She insists on ignoring me. All my friends have turned away from me. I have no money for sleeping pills…I am very poor and come from a poor background. I have no job and cannot get one. I have no one else to talk to. No one to turn to. As a kid, most of my issues were jumping off trees from bullies provoking me, and “playing” with knives. I still keep some of those knives nearby. But I’m too damn proud to use it for any good. I’mÂ recognizedÂ as a genius from every student and teacher that meets me. I think I know better…but now I’m not sure. Even one of the teacher’s are bullying me. I pray to whatever god there is out there for help, but I get no answers. All I wanted was a friend, a girlfriend, and a life to live. Now I have none of that. All I ask is this – If theres’ anyone that can talk, help, or listen to me, please do. I can send contact information. If there is no other option, then tell me the cheapest and least painful way to end this all right now. I don’t have far to go. If I’m going to hell, then let me go there with a bang.
Why can’t she see that I’m not alright?
Why can’t she see that I need her?
Why can’t she see that I hate myself?
Why can’t she see how I feel about her?
More importantly, why do I have to feel this way about her?
Why do I have to love her?
Do you know how often I hear people talk bad about gays, lesbian, and bisexuals? I listen to people go on about how it’s “Immoral” or “wrong” and I just have to sit there, clenching my fists, wanting to punch them all in the face. Because if they knew. If they really knew, then I would never be accepted. I’m in love with someone who is neever going to love me back. Plain and simple.
Besides, even if she did love me, how long would she be able to?
How long could she surive her cancer?
God, it really, really sucks not being able to tell someone how you feel. And I know I’m being dramatic with all the questions, but seriously!
What the hell is wrong with me?!
I have absolutely nothing against being bisexual but I can’t stand how one of my best friends sees it!
She sees it as a sin, a horrible, disgusting, sin, but I don’t care anymore. I only care about the girl I love at the moment.
Because who knows how long she has?
And why can’t she see that I need her now, as much as she needs me?
(Sorry for any spelling mistakes.)
No one has any idea how completely suicidal I am. I know everyone out there must think I should get help. But I do not want help. I want to kill myself before anyone realizes I should get help. And now again, I know what you must think, well why would you be posting on a public forum? Well, I have just bottled up everything for so long without being able to tell a soul. All of my true feelings about everything have just been trapped inside me. I have to lie to everyone about everything all the time. It’s horrible. I literally refuse to make any plans because I’m convinced that tomorrow will be the end.
I did tell one person, my sort of ex-boyfriend, when I was completely drunk. I asked him if he would help me kill myself. I don’t really remember his answer. But later that night he raped me. I don’t know if I can call it rape though, because we have hadÂ consensualÂ sex in the past. A year later I found out he raped one of my best friends. I’ve lost all hope in humanity and trust since that.
Monday was my first real suicidal attempt. I’ve written the letters before. I’ve made it to the bridge before. I’ve hung by the rope before. But never made it to a point that could have been fatal. On monday I took the 15 year old girl depressed about not being the most popular girl in school approach. I swallowed 25 benedryls followed by 30 aspirins. My logic was that I’d pass out before that affects happened. Well now I realize how incredibly low the dose Â was. It was stupid. I was just puking the rest of the night. By this point I probably sound insane. Well, Â I feel as sane as a suicidal person could feel.
I’m honestly not looking for any attention or comments how life is worth it. That’s one major reason why I don’t want anyone to know I’m suicidal. I don’t want peoples’ pity, orÂ unnecessaryÂ attention. I don’t want to kill myself so everyone would find out. I just wanted to Â tell a small part of my story because I’m sick of my diary, and it feels good knowing someone will read it, since I will never be telling anyone I actually know. It hurts knowing the people closest to you can’t know the real you.
You’re supposed to protect your best friend, right?
Make them feel better.
Help them get through the bad times.
But it can be pretty fucking hard to do sometimes.
At least, that’s whatÂ I tell myself. Im just absolutely ashamed of myself.
My best friend is dead.
I was supposed to protect him. Why couldnt I?!?!
They say God only gives you what he expects you can handle, but how am I supposed to deal with this? One of my best friends has cancer, and the other one is dead! God expects a fucking ton from me.
How could I let this happen? I let my friend slip through my fingers. He’s gone. and I cant save him. He said he’d always prtect me, but I didnt do the same. Im such a horrible person.
I tried. and tried. and tried. But I couldnt get him to come back to life. I have prayed for me to wake up from this nightmare. I held onto him and sat by his side until they pulled the plug.
And I cant go through it again. If my friend dies of cancer, Im going with her.
But I know I wont meet her in heaven.
I’ve screwed up too many times. I’ve ruined lives.
I just want my childhood back. I had no regrets and I still had my best friend. Some friend I am.
I have thought about death for most of my life. I just want to die. My parents never cared about what i wanted. All they cared about was our family’s name or reputation. As a kid i was always in my room studying, doing extra homework, tutoring or going to summer school even though my teachers insisted that i did not need all those because i was doing excellent in the class. My parents were almost never home but when they were they would scream at me or hit me if i didn’t know how to do a problem i never learned. They were never there for any important moments in my life. At social events my parents friend’s would talk about how great their kids are doing in school and all the awards and scholarships they received and all the languages they already learned. After the events my mom would yell at me some more. In middle school i did not go to the best school there was and my parents were very angry but, i met a lot of great people there. In high school they decided to send me to one of the toughest schools there is far away and attend classes with the most difficult teachers. My grades started dropping since i really hate that school and the teachers were crazy. My parents are planning to take away everything away from me. They know i am suicidal but, they don’t really care. When they take away everything i’m going to lose contact with one of my best friends who’s having a lot problems also and is almost close to death due to her weak body. i’m scared that she is going to die and she is the only reason i’m still living. i dont know what to do… so many people around me have already past away. i feel so alone.
Fifteen days ago was the last time I cut.
Fifteen days ago was when I almost committed suicide.
Thirty days or so ago was when I told my two best friends I cut. Well I didn’t exactly tell them, they already thought I did because they saw my wrist. But one day in gym class, one of my best friends made a reference to another one of our friends who cuts and I added, “So do I.” She, of course, freaked out andÂ repeatedly asked me why I did it and all the other normal questions someone who doesn’t understand would ask. For some reason though, I couldn’t stop laughing. I don’t know why because self harm isn’t funny. It’s painful, emotionally and physically. But I’ve always dealt with situations where I’m put on the spot as to where I’d biurst out laughing or burst out crying. And I was not going to cry while playing football in gym class. Right when gym ended, she immediately found my other best friend and announced that I’d admitted to cutting and that we were going to have a “meeting” about it. To make it even better, we had a group of people following us around trying to figure out what we were talking about. Ever since then, we haven’t really talked about it though. When it comes up in conversation, the first friend who found out always says “You know I don’t want you doing that,” but why do I care? I know a lot of people who wouldn’t want me to do that, but look at me, I’m still going.
Fifteen days later, I had had the worst possible day. I don’t even know why it was so bad. People were just being annoying and childish, and I couldn’t take the fact that my “best friends” constantly left me for other people. This day was built upon a terrible week, a terrible month, a terrible year, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I took out the knife and cut. I took out the pills and swallowed. I felt worse than the last time I took too many, I thought this was it.
But it wasn’t. I awoke the following morning after getting over twelve hours of sleep. I took it as a sign, maybe I was supposed to stay. So I tried my best, and managed to stay away from the knife and the pills for fifteen days.
Yesterday was Halloween. I was with a big group of “friends” as we walked around the neighborhood. Some of them were planning on smoking weed that night, and wanted my friend and I to join. We were both skeptical about it, we’ve been thinking about it, but know we weren’t so sure. My friend goes, “Com’n, let’s just do it.” And that’s when I knew I didn’t. I didn’t want to go smoke with them. I’ve been doing well for fifteen days and I wasn’t ready to ruin it. So when I told me friend, “I’ve already started on breaking a bad habit, I don’t want to create a new one,” she replied with “Well that’s good.” Well that’s good? That’s all she had to say to me? That’s also when I knew that nobody truly gives a shit. They may act like it at times, but they don’t. And I’m so glad I finally realized it before it was too late.
So once again today, I was left alone while my friends were off with their other friends. Whenever I tried to talk to them, they ignored me and talked to other people even though I knew they heard me. I ended up leaving early, and after about four hours of doing absolutely nothing, I had the urge. So I took a shower to try and rethink things since it’s helped other times. But it didn’t. So I got out the knife and cut my wrist eleven times. For the first time, the blood actually started to run down off my arm and drip. I wasn’t upset about it, nor was I happy or proud. I just felt numb.
Fifteen days ago was the last time I cut, until today.
ughhhhhh!!!!!!! one of my best friends texted me saying: “i really love you” and guess what…just another guy i cant TRULY have cuz this guy lives in california! and i just had to move away to idaho! ugh…FUCK LOVE….
I dont think this world is worth it. Living in all this pain. Im bisexual, apparently “Emo” as i get called at school. Nobody accepts me for who i am.Not even my mother. She always has stuff to say about who i am and about my friends. She says she wont lower her standards for us. She doesnt know im bi. Like who the hell said she needed to lower her standards for anyone. .I dont want to live in this hell anymore. Im thinking of suicide or running away. The easiest way i can think of is just a large cocktail on pills in my closet. Ive been cutting and burning myself for years.I have alot of L.G.B.T friends and they all accept me for who i am.. Why cant my mother. Me and her cant get along for a whole day. We fight constantly.I was in this relationship,with one of my best friends.We broke up after a week. Now ive realised im in love with my gay best friend. Who doesnt have any interest in me. Why is it always me? You know something? Just kill me now.
Im 17 years old, im 2 and a half months pregnant.
My boyfriend (the father) is beyond ecstatic and can’t wait to see our baby brought into this world, he’s given up drugs and alcohol and has got a great job to be able to be a better dad.
His twin sister, who used to be my best friend hates me. She constantly tells him that either I’m not really oregnant or tha’t it isnt his baby. She refuses to awknowledge me and accuses me of stealing from her and their dad.
Her boyfriend, who was one of my best friends, and his bestfriend are both sociopaths and have been planning ways to kill me and my baby.
My older sister, whom i raised and cared for, had a misscariage two months into her pregnancy and that was four months ago. She posted on facebook after i called her begging her not to hate me and that I’m pregnant, saying she cant believe someone so underserving, unprepared, and irresponsible could be given such a precious gift when hers was taken away.
I found out all these things from other people, these people who were supposed to be great people in my child’s life didn’t have the guts to tell me how they really feel so that i felt dumb and even more hurt after finding out.
The only person who is genuinly there for me is my amazing boyfriend, but i feel like im just burdening him with all of this and keeping him from his own family.
ontop of everything i have a hyperemesis pregnancy meaning if im not medicated or if my medication stops working i have to be put in the hospital on ivs because i cant even keep down water, which means i cant work to help provide for our child.
All i want is to give my child the childhood filed with love and happiness that neither me nor my boyfriend had, but i get more and more depressed every day and wonder if i really want to bring a child into this life. if i even want to continue with this life…..Â it only continues to get worse and i dont know how much more i can take of loosing everyone i love and wondering if i can give my baby what it needs….. everything feels like its suffocating me and i just want to runaway or let go…..
when i see people sad and depressed on here it makes me sad and depressed. i decided im not going to write one note but a to couple people i actually love. one of the only things that makes me not want to get hitÂ byÂ that train, hang myself, blow my brains out.Â is the few peopleÂ have been saving me all of this time. one of my best friendsÂ has been in boot camp. i dont want him to find out. i hope by the time he comes back everyone willÂ have forgotton me,Â he will have forgotton me. i never go through with this. but i know how badly i need it. im so broken, people never listen no matter what. people on here do. so im sorry to all of you reading this, i hope you will all survive until nature makes your pain stop. i’ve never really beleived in religion or anything. but if i get there to “god” i’ll ask him why he does this. for all of you. if he’s there i’ll do anything to make all your pain stop. its not okay anymore. nothings okay. i love all of you, even the people that hate me. i love everyone. right now im not even feeling a saddness but i feel releived so it has to be done.
Sometimes I wish I was normal but that’s never going to happen. Life is supposed to get better but I doubt that. All I feel is numbness and it’s better than the pain I felt before. The only thing stopping me from going through with suicide is my best friends wouldn’t be able to handle my death well. My mom stopped caring about me a long time ago but my dad would go crazy without me with him. I refuse to live for myself, I only live for them, although I donâ€™t care about myself, I care too much about others to put them through this at the moment.
I’m not suicidal, even though I have been in the past, but I want every one reading this to know they matter and that there are people around you who care and love you.
I lost one of my best friends just a week ago to suicide. He was depressed and under extreme pressure in his academic and social life. He didn’t believe that the girl he had been in love with for four years had any interest in him and that he was too dependent on her. She didn’t tell him while he was alive, but she loves him and thought that he deserved more than she could offer.
This past week has been so hard. I loved him so much and never had told him that and there’s a part of me that will always blame myself. I keep looking at his Facebook page to see if anyone else has posted their stories about him or just pictures of happy memories. When my phone buzzes I keep hoping it’s a text from him saying “banana” or “pewp.” He was such a dork, but that’s what made him so lovable. He made goofy faces all the time, cheered everyone around him up, and most people didn’t realize how depressed he was.
The cries for help were there. He had tried out different ways to put the rope around his neck and had set up everything to commit suicide at least once before. He told me he wanted to fall asleep and never wake up because that was better than life. And I was the one who had to get a call from the police the next morning because I had been the last person in contact with him.
I know you all want to matter in this world and you do, you just don’t realize it. The pain that those surrounding you will experience if you kill yourself is horrific and awful. I almost wanted to commit suicide myself so I didn’t have to experience this immense pain anymore, but I can’t because that wouldn’t solve anything. It would inflict more pain on the people around me who are already hurting solely because I am and it would be incredibly selfish.
You have to keep going. It gets better, I promise. I’ve suffered with depression for several years where I don’t want to get out of bed or have any contact with anyone. You matter, people care, people love you, and there are going to be people in your future that will love you. Don’t put the people I know you love and that love you through this pain. It’s not solving anything by taking yourself out of the picture.
“Courage is the difference between having a good life and a great life. So have courage.” -Fairly Legal
From 3rd – 5th grade I was that sweet and shy little innocent girl but then when 6th grade came I turned into a tougher girl and still am. I hate the new me, I hate my life, I hate everything! I just want to go back to the sweet and shy little innocent girl I was years ago. Ever since my dog, Lillie, died the day after my birthday in February this year I have become so depressed. She was like a dog version of me. I loved her. But then God decided to take her away from me by making her have heart problems. Out of all my dogs I have had (which is 5 but at different times. I have 2 at the moment. My parents got a new one for me the day after she died) We gave 3 of them away because they were too crazy -_- I loved all of them. But this new one I have just annoys the hell out of me now. Just yesterday he decided to be a smart ass and walk in front of me which ended up in me falling down on my concrete sidewalk in my house -_- He always gets in the way! Anyways back to the point. I have severly depressed ever since she died. Now just a month ago I have had suicidal thoughts. I am sick of life!
I wish I could close my eyes at least ONCE without having to see all the names I get called at school floating through my head. Everytime I close my eyes I heard and see the people say them.
“Yeti” “Hairy” “Fat” “Sasquatch” “Nobody likes you” “You’re a *****!” “Everybody knows you have a fucked up life” “You’re a loser” “You are your friends? Little (insert name) and (insert name).”
And the thing that hurt me the most is what my mother said to me…Â “You need to lose like 10-20 pounds.”
Sometimes I just want to kill everybody around me. But now depression is winning and I want to die. I want to get help but I am afraid of what everybody will say to me.
One of my best friends said that what I told her was a stupid reason to cut or die but truth be told is that she doesn’t understand anything I’m going through!
I should have just died when I was 3 and diagnosed with Encephalitis (a brain inflammation). That way I wouldn’t have even had to go through this pathetic place I called Earth.
Hey my names Jasiel and I’m 12 years old. This is going to take me a lot of guts because I haven’t told anyone about my problem…it all started when I was 9, I was a happy little girl just walking by her self like always, the day was pretty and perfect. Until…all of a sudden everything changed to black. I wasn’t scared because I was used to the dark. But then something got my intention, it was just laying there hopelessly without any movement. It looked familiar and so I walked towards it, I turn it around so I could sees it’s face….and there it was ME. I was laying on the floor doing nothing just dead. I then ran to my house and saw who I was… I was still there it was me, but a different me. I wasn’t wearing pink and purple anymoreâ€¦ I was wearing all black. It was another me, but how? After that it all changed. I was that happy girl, I was the emo/goth chick. At school everyone looked at me like if I was a freak or some other creature. It was horrible it was a nightmare to me. I had never felt like that in my life and why was I feeling it now? So… I started cutting. I’ve cut until I was weak. And that never changed. Then 5th grade started. You can say it went worse. I would cut more because of depression, my dad the alcoholic one had always pushed me. He wants me to be the best at everything and he would tell me that I was ugly, lonely, and stupid he never knew what was happening to me. And so he just wanted everything perfect. I cut And cut. Now I have scares EVERYWHERE from legs to arms :(. And I’m not proud of it. Right now in this moment this year I have felt more depression on me. I have all of theses: health problems, depression, selfharming, eating deserter, and I have also tried to commit suicide 6 times. By taking pills at once, by cutting to much and loosing to much blood. And one of my best friends (guy) asked me to be his girlfriend not to long ago. But…. He left me. Now I’m all alone like I have always been. And yes I though he was the perfect guy, but he wasn’t. So I really don’t know what to do please help I really need help. Because I’m tired of living please help if you care or if you have something similar to my story <3
first of all let me say i dont have problems in school im an A student i go to a good christian school even though im not christian .
i do have problems in life i have since i was 8 . the big drama’s started when i was 12/13 im (16)
my mother is a heavy Â heroine addict and hasn’t payed attention to me since i was born … when i was 8 i was taken into foster care and moved from place to place till i was 13 where i was put in a residential with 2 to 3 other girls where they decided to gang up on me they called me alot of harsh and cruel names i attemtped suicide every day and ended up in hospital and when i got out i would go again until they eventually put me in a mental health ward for a week … they perscribed me anti-deppresents but unfortunately they made me worse and i attempted suicide another way … aprt from my usual cutting and trying to hang myself i took 105 panadol and over dosed i was barely concious when i whent to the hospital i had given up on my life the reasons as to why that is .. one of my best friends at the time had been posing as a male for 6 months threatening me and my life and i got to a bad place and i found out it was her and she wasnt sorry and she told me im nothing and to go kill myself so i told her i would and thats how i ended up at the hospital fighting 5 nurses that were trying to save me eventually i got my stomache pumped and i was throwing up for 4 hours after that all i did was cut myself for a long time and i lived at that resedential for 2 years until i whent to live with my mum in sectember 2010 , everything was fine for a little while she would treat me like a princess then she changed she stopped feeding me and she stopped caring i admit i cryed out for her to care by coming home drunk and doing alot of illegal things i shouldnt of i just wanted my mum to love me . in january 2011 i lost my verginity not intentionally i was pressured and after that i thought i could find love by sleeping with guys and i felt special for a while but then it faded the next day for my whole year of being 15 i would sleep with guys and drink and take drugsÂ then i was sexually assalted on a few occasions and everything changed i couldnt talk to anyone became severly depressed isolated and i tryed suicide again it was like an addiction to meÂ and my mum came in one night and i was hanging myself in the closet and she just laughed at me and took photos i really never understood how she could be my mum and hate me so much … as im writting this today about two months ago i finally spoke up to my child safety officer and i moved away from her to live with my grandma it was so hard to do i had to start a new school when i hadnt been to school since grade 8 and i whent in to year 10Â my grandma loves me so much and has always helped me .. i had a few occasions when i wanted to cut myself but i didnt i have recently started feeling deppressed again and i have been drinking till i pass out for 3 days straight im staying at my friends near the place i used to live in for school holidays and i really dont know if i get drunk will i try to kill myself .. i say my life feels fake because i try to be this good girl but no one can see im faking it and that im in pain everyday i dont know what to do ….