i’m not sure why, but i have this weird feeling that i won’t grow to be old. i mean, i can’t imagine myself living until i’m, what, ninety?
i don’t know why –
today has been relatively normal, i went out for a bit, and there was some arguing – but, nothing out of the ordinary…
all i know is, i was just watching tv and somehow my hand creeped up to my eyelashes and started to pull… and pull…
once i -properly- realised, i thought to myself, ‘the pleasure will last short of a second, then you will regret this for months.’
yet, i continued to pull.
after a while, i stopped. my lashes now look sparse, with a few gaps but… it could have been worse, i guess.
Hi.. I am MrSilent. There is not much to know of me so I won’t bother with the details. I will give a very broad background of why I have chosen this name..
For years and counting, I have been silent. Silent of my emotion, silent of my thoughts and silent of my life and it’s duration. Recently, I’ve stumbled upon this community. I thought it would be quite interesting to be able to speak through text.. I have much to say but I will save most for later if I am still living. There is not a doubt that I am slowly collapsing, so, one day I will no longer be here to post for anyone who would actually read, or, see this, or, even follow each post. Some just don’t understand that being silent is the hardest for many..
Now that that’s all out of the way.., For many years, I have tried reaching out for assistance but ended up being the assistance for others. Apparently, people needed someone with ears and no mouth to speak to. I was the perfect guy for the job, of course. Hearing their stories.. I envied them. Many would claim that my mind is clouded with ignorance. I wouldn’t blame them, but at the same time, they would also be ignorant for not knowing my experiences as we all have different reactions towards the same and different scenarios and such. Therefore, it’s just a vicious cycle of people picking at each other trying to point out who’s the “real” insensitive one. But I digress.. From my perspective, these people have ideal lives from what they’ve told me and I would kill to have what they did.. So, that’s what I want to do. I want to kill for a new life.. I want to trade my life for a new one.
What’s stopping me? The fact that I must start life all over again. The fact that everything I’ve learned will be gone. My morals and perspective may even be different. This is all still giving the benefit of the doubt that there even is a chance at starting a new life after your current one has passed..
Friends, Family, Girlfriend.. All of them I love dearly.. But, I’ve never experienced being selfish. It’s always been my goal to be selfless. I need to be selfish just this once. I am going to leave them for silence in my mind and ear, rather than my mouth. I need silence. All my life, there’s been nothing but noise. I stay up every night trying to fight the loud thoughts and flashbacks. And now.. at the age of 17, I am exhausted..
Everyday is beginning to seem harder than the day before. Every night is beginning to seem longer. And all the things that have crippled me have become stronger..
If you’re still reading.., thank you. There’s a good chance people would read and say, “why are you complaining? At least you have _____,” but honestly? We all have different reactions to situations, and I would like to say that my current situations are quite unbearable for me.. All of which I will leave for people to piece together. It’ll make things interesting, plus, I really don’t feel like getting into all of it in one post. I may post a little about all of it in each post. “Little breadcrumbs,” I suppose you could call them..
If there really is anyone out there who took the time to read this, please feel free to contact me.. It would be nice to have a friend with similar intentions.. Someone to talk to, rather than just typing stuff and posting it regardless if anyone cares or not.. I am even willing to help comfort those in need. We’re all in this together. It may sound like the cheesiest thing to say, but, if you are reading this from start to finish, our minds may be in some ways alike. That’s why I say that “you’re not alone.” But, I need someone who’s going through the same thing to be able to tell me that.. It would mean the world to me.. Please. Living with a scarred mind just becomes more and more difficult. I’m sure there’s someone out there who’d understand..
The cutting has started but where from here if only there was a rope that was near.
To know i have to start all over again, whats the point? im 30 years old with with nothing on my side but a knife to help me take my mind off you.
A little slice here, a little slice there.. it all starts small but eventually will become larger. this is how i deal with my life…. Every slice is everytime i think of you.. every slice for everytime i think how my life is shit, every slice to help me take my mind of the world.
down n out
How do you actually know if you’re a living with depression or not?? Yeah you read up on it but how do you actually know. Only recently I’ve had thoughts about killing myself again. Had these thoughts in the past but never gone through with it. Like HOLY FK could my life get any worse now? no money, no savings, filed bankruptcy, a car that needs fixing and now it’s being reprocessed, a gf who wants to leave overseas (but really who would blame her for leaving) it’s in her best interest she leaves me cause I’m just nothing wasted space.. Can’t make the right decisions if it fall out the sky and hit me on the head… Times I feel it’s easier just to walk out in front of a car but then I think I would rather take some pills and never wake up..I have a knife next to my bed hoping it would just slip and cut me deep.
Don’t know why I’m sharing this with anyone.. Hoping for someone to stop me but why? I know I would hurt people around me by taking my life but eventually they all move on with their own lives.
There are some really nice genuine people I know I will hurt..
Why can’t killing yourself be easy? Well it is actually..
if it just trip myself but make sure the knife is there to fall on? Or I should take some pills and see? If this doesn’t work walking in front of a bus or truck or even jumping off a bridge?
Life is fucked and I’m just wasted space..
down N out