I am someone who has gotten help for my depression before. I went to a treatment center and it helped considerably. But…I still feel like something is…missing. I still feel pain for no reason, want to cry when there’s nothing to cry about, and just feel, well, lousy when left by myself with nothing but my thoughts. If someone said, ‘Here, I have a painless way to die. You’re gone instantly.’ then I would probably take it. Life…doesn’t have much meaning for me. It’s like, ‘okay, I exist’ but nothing more. I’d be content to just stay in my house all my life. I don’t feel the need to go out and do things and I’ve been pretty well described as a Narrcisist.
I don’t mean to be like this, it’s not what I choose. If I had it my way, I’d be happy and have the drive to do things. I just…don’t. If I died right here, right now, I wouldn’t be upset. I would just go along and accept it.
I told my mom that and she immediately jumped to me being suicidal again. Â I don’t know if I am or not. I feel like ending everything but…yeah, I do feel like ending everything. I know, though, that if I fail, I’ll just be under more scrutiny and be watched over more and will probably end up right back at the damn treatment center.
It’s hard to just…exist instead of live. You just go day by day, doing what you need to stay alive. That’s…no way to live. So, that is another reason I feel like suicide might be good. I just escape it all, no consequences. I won’t have to worry about what would happen if I did tell my mom or others. If I tell them how I feel, I’ll just be deemed back to square one and will get all my freedom ripped away.
That’s not what I want. I just want to have a way to end it, the pain, the misery, all of it. I’m happy sometimes but that’s only little bursts. If I could just escape, that would be perfect. I’m still looking for a way to escape.