I am under a great deal of stress at the moment. It’s finals week at school and I have my Algebra 1 exam tomorrow. This test will not only determine if I’m going to pass the class, but also place me into a ranking chart of students heading into Algebra 2. Ever since I was 11 years old, I wanted to be perfect. My dream is to go to Harvard, but I’m so stupid and ignorant that that probably won’t happen; nevertheless, I feel as if I have to get a perfect score on this test in order to determine my self worth. If I don’t pass this exam, I won’t get into Algebra 2, therefore destroying any sense of accomplishment I had left in myself. (Although I didn’t have any to begin with.) This test is giving me a severe panic attack right now, and I can’t even focus on studying for it because I know I’m already going to fail. This test is important. This test is determining my future. This test is a crooked game of survival, and I know I will most certainly lose the battle.
So I haven’t been updating recently and a lot has happened in my life, so I decided that I needed to somehow let it all out and share with you guys. DISCLAIMER: It will be long …
So idk if I told you but my cousin moved back to my city (he used to live in Chicago) and he’s currently training to be a police man, but something that has been bothering me since he got here.. First of all, he doesn’t live with us, he lives with his other grandma. Second of all, my mom and grandma spend every single night during the week making him his lunch for the next day and cooking him dinner. Last but not least, my grandma and mom wash his clothes and bedsheets … Let me just inform you that he is 23 years old.
I’m still seeing my psychologist and unfortunately have been lying to him .. In a way for me to stop going but at the same time I still share some of my feelings with him and how (not most of the time) I’ve been feeling lately. To be quite honest with you, I’ve began to feel a little more comfortable with my body, therefore I should probably buy different clothes that suit my body type (fucking hour glass body type). But as I’ve shared this with him, I’ve also shared with him that with my cousin around, I feel like the attention that I was used to since the last suicide attempt is gone and at the same time it frustrates me that my mom and grandma could do anything for him, but most of the time, I have to do my own laundry and make my own food and what not, so that’s been affecting me lately.
Still not taking my medications.. Thinking that maybe I could try suicide again but this time with more and different pills .. meaning .. my meds … currently saving them for the next time I need them. I’ve been researching about it and I could either end up in the hospital (like with any med overdose) or could actually fall into a coma…which … honestly I wouldn’t mind.
With that said as you can see my depression hasn’t been getting any good, but at the same time is not as bad as to commit suicide anytime soon.
My work … Dear lord .. Well let’s say that I’m quitting in November which is something I’m looking forward to. My boss still sexually harasses me and I low-key told my mom but she kinda of brushed it away ..Also he told me I should probably quit school so I could go to work more often instead of studying ..What a fucking asshole. On other news, lately he’s been treating me like a piece of shit, so I’ve been giving him so attitude because after almost a year of having to deal with him and with all the anger suppressed, I had to defend myself somehow. Yeah .. it didn’t quite go well since he cut some of my hours and ended up treating me even worse, which at the same time is not helping with my depression, especially since I’m not taking my medication.
School. The subject you all know I hate to talk about. Well, I dropped my communications class because it was too stressful and was making my anxiety and depression even worse. And at the same time, I realized I kinda wanted to change majors or at least have two. Still working on psychology which I am loving by the way and learning a lot about me and others around me, which could be dangerous because self-diagnosing is not always the best. Anyways, I’ve decided to take on Child Development as my other major, since I’ve always loved being involved with kids and interestingly, have always been drawn to them and them to me, which makes me think that I might be good at it. At first I was afraid of telling my mom and dad, but surprisingly enough they were so supportive and told me to take my time with school and if needed also take a break. Which I’ve been talking about to my mom, thinking that maybe focusing on my mental illness for a year with less stressful factors could help it.
Entertainment. I’ve always been watching PewDiePie on YouTube and whatnot, but lately I’ve been really into Dan & Phil and to be honest, they have been helping a lot with my mood swings and my depressive episodes that I experience more and more often lately. Also music has been of great help, as I was able to reconnect with what I’ve always loved and what clams me .. Surprisingly lol since the kind of music I listen to is mostly Rock and Punk and stuff like that with …. some Kpop lol … My deepest secret is out. I’m a Kpop girl but whatever that’s me.
My birthday was October 1st and for the first time in my life. I felt like I really didn’t care for my birthday. It felt like any other day.
Well that was a lot to take in. Still with suicidal thoughts and very depressive episodes, so I will try to come and post more often as a form of venting.
P.S. Still lying to people as you can tell. Being it friends or family, doesn’t matter. Lying has become a way of life for me.
ok, so normally, i’m a pretty happy person, but lately, i’ve been thinking of things. like, cutting myself, or killing myself, and this has never happened before. also, i’ve been having these panic attacks, and just being really sensitive and emotional. i think it might be this fanfiction i have been reading, because it has selfharm and other really triggering things in it. i dont even know what to do anymore.
Being ignored by friends = Best thing ever. Though these days I can see why, I’d get the hell away from me too if I could. Yes, I sound like a passive aggressive brat.
No, I don’t really give a damn at the moment. I’m just busy glaring at said friend on Facebook and wanting to hit them.
I’m wanting to hit everyone, honestly. I’m tired and frustrated and perilously close to giving up for good, in the most permanent way I can manage, because nothing helps.
A couple friends have tried, and I thank you, and I love you, and you don’t deserve to put up with me. I’m the worst thing to have happened to you and I’m sorry for that.
I’m just so sick of all of this. The bipolar and the panic attacks and depression, and dealing with mom’s dementia, and family that’s hurting instead of helping, and using my issues against me saying I can’t take care of my mom. Forget that they’ve never seen my bad days, never heard of them, and are just going off what they see on tv/read/a relative in the medical field tells them they’ve seen with other people.
I know I wouldn’t be like this if I could get a break. Give me a week to eat and sleep and properly medicate, and RELAX, and I’d improve. I’ve done it before.
I’d stop seeing things as hopeless and pointless and I’d stop wanting to die.
Or at least I’d stop wanting it a little less.
I’m never going to get that chance, so why bother trying.
In 3rd grade, I was told by my doctor that I had anxieties. I was going home from school everyday sick to my stomach due to my constant worrying. My father hadn’t contacted me in awhile and it was the first thing that had me worried so bad at a young age. I was making myself really sick and I’d have panic attacks. As I got older, I struggled with more teenage problems. My anxieties were at an ultimate high. I’m sixteen years old and can barely drive a car because I get worried about everything I’m doing and I have a panic attack and start doing stupid stuff (I once started driving on the left side of the road..). When I have a panic attack, my breathing hitches, I start to get dizzy and my heart rate speeds up. I can’t do anything bad because I start to freak out. While most of my friends have at least gotten drunk or high once, I’ve done nothing. Not saying I want to become a bad kid, I don’t. I just want to beÂ normal. This past year has been really hard because I’m being expected to grow up and make decisions for myself. And I can’t. It’s a lot to handle and I freak out. My anxieties are preventing me from trying to grow up and be like everyone else. I just wish I could push them aside and think normally but I can’t. I’ve tried so hard. And I think people don’t understand that it’s mental. It’s like a set thing in your mind. It’s all you know. You can’t change it. Does anyone know how I feel? Does anyone have advice to help cope with it before I drive myself insane? Please help..I can’t do this on my own…
This is my story from the startÂ http://suicideproject.org/2013/07/my-story-161/Â please reaad that first before continuing down so you will understand the bits that i’ve missed out.
So you have read the beginnings and the main depth of what happened in my child/teen life. Heres some that i have missed out like my eating disorder , suicide attempt and the visions and self harm.
Im going to start off with the visions i get when i have anxiety attacks or panic attacks i haven’t told anyone what i hear, see or feeling during these episodes. Not even my psychiatrist. Well i get flash backs of the that night i got raped its like im right back re living it, i can feel everything smell the damp earth and his horrible b.o and smoke smell but my hearing goes of when this traumatic anxiety like episode strikes me i cant hear anything around me until its over. And in that time i burst out in tears i have moments when i scream into my blanket.. no one is around when these strike the black bastards like to get me alone so im more isolated.
The other visions i got are me as a small child i was taken way back to where i first walked, to being held in my mothers arms then it flashes back to me being stuck in a coffin.. its hard to explain but my anxiety attacks are out of the ordinary they scare the heck out of me! sometimes i cant breathe it feels like someone is choking me and at the same time something in my mind all these tormenting thoughts. Â I have told a few close friends of mine about the visions i get that are so rapid they change from one thing to the next they think im psychic but i really just think its flashbacks well memories flashing back really.
Anyway with my eating disorder its kind of a mind ridden thing that i now have controlled thanks to the new medication im on. but i just never ate i hated food, this resorts back to the anxiety/panic attacks cause when i have them i get told a lot of nasty things from the black bastards(negative thoughts) they always told me i didnt deserve to eat i believed it, they told me to look in the mirror and see how horrible i look for eating and i believed it about a month later i noticed my hip bones were starting to show , Â and it freaked me out the idea of turning anorexia just.. because i have seen things on the internet about anorexia really scared me. I know i was asking for it by never eating but when i was in my good headspace i realized these small things like starting to go anorexic i Â gave my mum hell about it
We went to my psyciatrist and told him i lost appetite and never ate anything. and i told him my hipbones were showing i said its only the medication i was on at the time which was “seritraline” but i lied. i didnt want anyone to think im just going insane by hearing voices telling me i dont deserve to eat or im not allowed anymore. He knew though my psychiartist isnt stupid he just understood i didnt want to say anything just like he knows i dont want to go to doctors to get my scars examined i keep making excuses. But he changed my medication to one that will help my mind and control my appetite which i was happy about at the time cause i wanted nothing more then to be normal again.. After coming to accept myself ive started to realise i don’t even medications to be happy, i dont need these external superficial things to make me happy just be happy with me and the life i chose.
Thanks again for reading this, sorry its all so long but thats about in depth i am going to go about my hell of 3 years. And keep your opinions to yourself if you have something horrible to say remember its not even you thinking those thoughts.
I want good positive feedback or link me your stories cause id love to read them ! and we can all get through this together 🙂
To whomever reads this
I see a therapist to deal with my anxiety disorder that is heavily plagued with panic attacks and I am often ‘scared’ into a state of immobility where I cannot think move or breathe for short periods of time.
Anyway, we were discussing characteristics of what a person with anxiety exhibits and whether there are any common links. He had studied all his patients (and aside from other details he wasn’t able to release under confidentiality laws) he was able to tell me 64% of his patients were aquarius.
It is funny that this statistic exists. A profiling overview of an aquarius person states that they are emotionally unattached to the world, highly imaginative and intelligent, emotionless and heavy thinkers. We are told the aquarius seeks freedom, and if this general overview sounds vague to you it describes me perfectly. I feel as though I’m trapped by the morals and ethics of society, concrete jungles and cities horrify me to the point where I had to move to the country to find peace. I think about things 500% more than the average person, and also true is the statement that we are emotionally detached. I have been told exactly that on more than one occasion, though inside I care intensely,
externally I have trouble showing that.
As a bit of background here’s a few facts on how my mind works:
-If something bad happens that one incident overrides any of my thoughts for the rest of the day
-I often lose track of time and freeze in random locations as I have lost myself in thought and don’t even realise that I have stopped moving
-I worry about everything
-My mind is always worrying about the future
-If I am upset I begin to feel upset more than the standard person; my vision is blurred, I feel nauseated, I choke or stutter on words, often a limb will go numb like pins and needles
I have thought of suicide on many an occasion as a release to all this. Being raised Buddhist, if I take my own life supposedly my soul is destined to repeat the same sense of doom until finally it overcomes that and I am rewarded with a happy next-life. I suppose I don’t know if I believe this but it definitely keeps me on this planet fighting away.
More to the point, is anyone else out there a depressed aquarius? Does anyone else feel the same way?
I am 21 years young and I know I have so much ahead of me, but even with people around me I find it hard to keep friendships because I am locked in my own prison in my mind. I can talk through the bars and move around inside but I can’t get out. I find writing to be therapeutic, and painting, because I can express these feelings in ways I can’t speak out loud. I just feel like I will never be able to sit down and hear the birds sing, my mind shouts emotions and irrational fears and everything repeats itself so constantly that I can’t sit still and enjoy the moment.
I am so empathic to other people’s problems, but when faced with my own I am indecisive and will think of every possible outcome mostly in the negative sense before I decide.
I know I am intelligent, I know I am strong willed and brilliant, but I am being held back by my own brain. I can’t even sleep, I’ve been on zopiclone and been thrown around all kinds of anxiety medications since I was a kid. I don’t even know that I have REM anymore. I just want it all to stop!
I know I shouldn’t and wouldn’t but I know the only thing keeping me here is the inevitable fear of ‘what if’, the same thought that rules my mind on a daily basis.
I have always struggled with anxiety and depression.
It started when I was 10, I had just started middle school.
I was Bullied. Badly.
Everyday after school I would rush out of the school and try SPRINT home so that the bullies wouldn’t catch me.
They usually did, And I usually went home physically and mentally abused.
I was depressed… but I NEVER thought about committing suicide.
It took a while but my parents finally noticed how depressed I was.
I went to counseling.
It helped, but It didn’t stop the bullies.
That February we moved cities to get me away.
My new school was much better.
I made friends, True Friends. I had my first Romance.
My 8th, 9th, and 10th grade years were the best of my life.
I was Happy.
But then this year, my 11th grade year, everything changed.
My friends, while still close, have other friends.
I was left to my own devices.
I am not the most accepting person.
I don’t put up with crap.
That’s what getting bullied taught me.
Other people don’t like it when I call them out for being rude, or for doing stupid things.
“*****” is a common nickname for me.
I get made fun of in all of my classes, and Online.
The few friends I have made have turned on me, but don’t explain why.
They tell me “Its Your Fault. Everything is your fault.”
I go over every situation, every conversation.
I feel confused, frustrated, anxious, and depressed.
I have good parents, and I am a good kid. Â I get in trouble like every other kid.
But my parents add to my confusion, frustration, anxiety, and depression.
In the past 3 months I have had more panic attacks than I can count.
I can’t stop crying.
I just want it to stop.
My best friend turned on me today. She didn’t even explain why. Just called me a “*****” then walked away.
I haven’t stopped crying.
It hurts. Feeling like this.
My chest feels like it is on fire.
And the worst part is That nobody really cares.
I have a stun gun. I have used it on my self several times.
I forget for a while after using it.
I suppose its my way of cutting.
but it doesn’t leave any real marks.
they fade quickly.
It hurts. I can’t keep feeling this.
I can’t keep getting told I am worthless.
I just want it to stop.
“You are not needed”
Those words ring through my head constantly
Ever since they were spit at me, spit at my face
And I couldn’t say anything
Because that would mean denying the truth
I’d always considered it yeah
It was always passive, a passing thought throughout life
The usual motives are still there, and it’s all so cliche
I think I am fat and ugly and stupid
My story just seems like another one of those huh
The most major problem I have is depression
And my emotions are unfortunately unstable
I have panic attacks, I never see them coming
Then comes cutting, such a sick process of harming and healing
Then attempts to make myself hurl, all unsuccessful
Both ultimately make me feel all the more worse
It’s sad because I can never tell anyone
I have a few fiercely close friends
Although they worry about me enough as it is
I fell in love, and he cares so much
But I can’t let him bear my burden
They’ve all found out too much
And I can tell that their lives would be so much better without me in it
Even when I consider telling them because I need help so desperately
Because my words died so long ago
And when you realize that your words are not important and have no meaning to others
And then you’re shut away, not needed
“You are not needed”
Feeling overwhelmed again and feel that crazy need to DO something; so I am going to write as honestly as I can in hope of clearing my head and maybe helping others to not feel so alone..
I am 19 years old, going to a community college in hopes of learning everything I can about computers and eventually getting a PhD. (programming and hacking take me to a different place, a place where I am extremely intrigued and life actually seems interesting because there is so much to it.)Â Normally I just get tired of waking up to the same routine everyday, not so much that I need to kill myself, but to the point where I have almost tried every modern anti-depressant with no luck and have suicidal thoughts often enough to realize something is not right.Â My parents recently got divorced which doesn’t bother me thaaat much, but what really hurts is my ex-girlfriend was forced to leave her home by her parents to go to college in a different state.Â When my parents got divorced she helped me through it; helped me process all the feelings and emotions.Â She also just had a way of always smiling and enjoying life that somehow sparked and interested me in life.Â When she left for college we promised each other all these things that in love young people would generally say when they are about to be split up.Â She left and I was forced to move up north to a small quite town with my mom to further pursue education and get away from my unhealthy father. (Only reason I lived with my dad was because I was with her and her family ALL the time and really felt loved by them)
Sooo I slipped into a deep depression and MY ANXIETY surfaced after she left.Â My anxiety caused panic attacks about everyday which would cause me to hyperventilate and freak out the neighbors by running as fast as I can around the neighborhood at 3am…Â They really make you feel like you are going to die.Â I have always lied about the cause of my anxiety and I am going to type it now.. When she left I started having intense anxiety of her having sex with other guys.Â (we were planning on getting married and were saving actual intercourse for marriage as we were both raised in religious families.)Â Now I realize this is probably typical for a decent amount of the population, but for me it is an extreme cause of embarrassment.Â To be honest, I was brought up in a STRICT religious family that said sex was wrong outside of marriage.Â I always have this constant battle; I REALLY want to have sex with the girl I’m dating vs. I need to wait for my future wife, and if I do, my relationship with my future wife will be more special and my God will love me more.Â Soo I guess what I am trying to say is I fear that I am going to end up with a girl that I cant feel as emotionally close with because she looks down on me for not having much sexual experience?Â I cant pin point the exact anxiety cause but that’s my best guess.Â I feel like such a loser just typing this.. everything I have grown up aside from my close family tells me to go have sex with as much girls as I can.. I just don’t want a bunch of meaningless sexual experiences in my head when I find the one I am truly meant to be with.Â I want it to be something intensely special.Â I wish I could pick one girl and just have her for life.Â Why do I feel like I could never tellÂ anyone that and still feel like a “real man” ?
Anyways, she could not take the long distance relationship (got depressed her self which KILLED me inside as I could not be there to love on her) and broke up with me, which was understandable but caused me to become suicidal because of the emotional pain it brought me.Â I have very low self esteem now and mostly just sit in my room reading books and books about computers.Â I try to go “party” but mostly end up that one guy who is not very talkative in the corner on some form of mind altering drug because he is shy and doesn’t no anyone in this new town! :(Â I try to work out and rock climb as often as possible but it is so hard with depression!Â What really sucks is it has been around 6 months since she left for college and I STILL feel horrible, I still feel dry inside.Â (My actual panic attacks have almost completely ceased, but I still feel that uneasy anxiety quite a lot.Â Still miss her deeply.)Â I am just tired of living.Â I was so deeply in love with this girl that not having her just seems pointless.Â I feel hurt that she wouldÂ break up with me and pursue other guys after we went so deeply down that “love rabbit hole”.Â I am tired of waking up everyday pushing myself so hard to get through the day and enjoy life, and more importantly pushing myself to hide the depression and especially hide the anxiety from everyone.Â I just feel SO alone.
I miss being able to lay on the couch with her and fall asleep in each others arms telling each other everything we fear, love, and hope for.Â I miss seeing her everyday, miss seeing her face brighten up when I would pull up in her drive way and she would rush down stairs to jump in my arms and passionately kiss me.Â I miss gardening with her mom and really feeling motherly love.Â I miss watching sports with her dad and feeling love from a father figure.Â I miss feeling apart of a healthy loving family.. I didn’t know what that was like.Â I know that there is a good chance I will meet another girl, but at this point I just don’t have the energy to care.Â I have dated enough girls recently.. I cant connect with them because I CANT be my self when I am using all my mental ability to hide this anxiety/depression..Â I just cant be myself as hard as I try.. I guess it all seems so fake?Â I am not exactly the most healthy person mentally right now, but I don’t want to be alone anymore.. I am so dry..I just cannot take it anymore.Â It is all dry.Â Suicide seems like such a nice easy way out.
….I’m afraid to live. But I guess I am going to try. I tried to kill myself by overdose but it didn’t work and I had to spend some time in a mental place. To say the least, it didn’t do a thing. I am still depressed, and occasionally I still want to just stop living. The only reason I don’t kill myself is because I have people I love. I can’t hurt them. I am on different pills now, but I have issues staying asleep and have started having panic attacks. I want therepy but we can’t seem to set up a meeting. I am starting to think I will never get help. And that’s bad. Because I am getting bad again. I just want to get some help. I want to be happy again but I guess it isn’t gonna happen. Oh well. I’ll try.
I have been seriously depressed for 10 years now. Â I have been planning to kill myself for about 2 years. Â Just when I think that I am getting on top of it all — taking my medication, seeing my psychiatrist, managing my life IT ALL STARTS AGAIN.
I am in a high stress job. Â Before I got depressed I was a high flyer. Â Heaps of work etc, Â Since getting depressed it has all gone away, lost to me, I am worthless, I am a failure etc You have heard it all before.
Now I am starting to have panic attacks. Â I do not want to do this anymore.
well here we go, the story of the pretty little rich girl is being spoken about.
Hey, my names Shauna if you knew me you’d know that I’m a very outspoken, confident person, nuh huh you don’t really KNOW me then. where do i begin?
My ‘father’ was an alcoholic, drug and woman abusing piece of scum, he numerously abused my mother and would’ve abused me if i wasn’t for my mothers courage to leave him. Thank god she did otherwise i wouldn’t know where I’d be right now. Nether the less i started primary school, i was the fat gingery blonde girl with glasses who everyone had fun taking the piss out of me, i didn’t find it so funny, people pretended to be friends with me just so they could come over my house and sometimes steal stuff. My step father is quite a wealthy man as he has his own business so therefore we have quite a Â big house in a small villageÂ that’sÂ why everyone used to call me the rich girl.
near the end of primary school we had to decide what comprehensive school we were going to and i made the worse choice on going to the same one that my ‘friends’ were going to. The days of my life in secondary school were most definitely the worst. I was constantly being bullied throughout year 7,8 and 9 even by sixthÂ former’sÂ which wasÂ definitelyÂ wrong. There i suffered depression, anxiety and was having numerous panic attacks as i had paranoia, i couldn’t walk down my street without thinking someone was going to attack me. No teachers did anything to help either!
In year 10 i actually got the balls to stand up for myself, i wasn’t taking anyone’s shit anymore, but then i got myself a new nickname ‘Phyco Shauna’ funny right? well no. I ended up being forced to go to in school and out of schoolÂ counsellingÂ sessions.
I have been in an abusive relationship which carried on for two years, numerous boyfriends cheating on me. And now i am with someone who i can honestly trust but someone has already tried splitting us up withÂ rumorsÂ afterÂ rumors.
I am a sufferer of self harm for 4 years now and still can’tÂ physicallyÂ stop, i just constantly want to hurt myself..
and iÂ don’tÂ know when I’m going to stop. Â one of my goof friendsÂ committedÂ suicide 6 months ago.. i want to stay strong for him but i don’t think i can much longer.
Do you guys think panic attacks are…wimpy? My mom does. Actually, I just had one a moment ago. She says she doesn’t want tantrums at her house. I can’t help it though. I’ll start hyperventilating, and suddenly I start screaming my head off. I’m so stressed I can’t take it anymore! These attacks just come and go. Anything can trigger them. Every time I have one, I just feel so weak and worthless. But this time I almost got my razor out. I don’t even have anything to be depressed about. I have no right to be depressed!
So I’ve been on this circle where I am ok for like 3 weeks. You know still sad but not crying as much and then like a wave it hits me. Then I have this entire day were everything will send me over the edge and the first night is the worse. I cry uncontrollably and have panic attacks, I feel like I might die right then and there. Nothing helps, I have no one to talk to about this. My mom thinks I’m fine so I play the part. I had a breakdown 2 days ago so I’m back on the road towards the next one. This last one was really bad and they are getting worse and worse. Has anyone been through this before?
I’ll start of with this, im a girl, a teenager, who’s constantly thinking about death, has panic attacks very often, loses control of myself at night sometimes, i just love the idea of causing harm to herself.
but these things..I don’t want them to be a part of me anymore, i want to move on. I want to hold on to the littlest things in life,i want to survive this. until maybe around 12 hours ago I was just so ready all i needed were the right pills. but certain people, in my life, they just mean so much to me and i know that they’d be sad, if i went away..i can name them on my fingers, but id HATE to bring sadness, upon those who cared. so whether i like it or not, i have to hold on. this site, right here, is my secret place noone knows about, where i can post stuff i need to remember, where i can vent out everything,you guys help me so much with your comments and just,that feeling that I’m not alone,being among people who feel like you do. it’s inexplicably great. So I’ll just say,i love you all, you guys are with me in my little secret place.
Well as you can see above (Phobias from Hell) are the root cause for my want of self destruction. I know this is somehow cliche with myÂ appearance, but I can’t change a stereotype.
Since early childhood I have had an irrational, severe phobia of doctors. I can’t even go to the school nurse with out a panic attack. To go along perfectly with my fear of doctors, I’m a hypochondriac to the extreme. When I was 12 I was convinced I was dying of colon cancer and (tad graphic, sorry) at any moment I would discharge blood from my bowels and that would be that. After a year that fear kind of numbed away. The hypochondria still happened from time to time, but now it’s back withÂ vengeance and in a new form. I’m convinced my glands in my groin are swollen and that I have lymphoma. They aren’tÂ visibleÂ and barely feel able, but my mind still registers it as I’m severely sick and dying. My panic attacks are paralyzing and leave me a sad hollow shell. This is part of the reason why I want out of life.
School could be another factor, or rather my endless agenda. That ” same shit, different day ” saying is my life. I understand high school is a shortÂ chapterÂ in life’s journey, but it brings me even lower. I have one person to talk to. I can’t say I didn’t inflict it on myself, the mohawk/combat boots/punk band shirts can kinda ward people off in the small hick town I live in. I walk through halls and speak when addressed by a teacher, but aside from that I pass through without a notice.
My parents love me I’m sure, but we have no relationship. We see each other and maybe say as much as 20 words to each other in an entire day. They don’t understand Â my panic attacks or thought process. Their more concerned about my little sister which is fine with me, they should do their best to establish a relationship with her while they can make one. They also are very un-supportive of the life style I lead. They absolutely despise my vegetarianism, they don’t want me to go to cosmetology school, but I gag at the thought of college. That’s the biggest hole in our relationship. The College thing. I won’t get too into it, but I’ve built a hatred for higher education. I shouldn’t let there disapproval or doubt phase me, but it makes me feel like I’ll never go anywhere in life.
I know all of this just sounds utterly pathetic and attention seeking like, but maybe I want a little attention. I don’t know. In a way this was sort ofÂ therapeutic. My plan though is that if I am sick I’ll end it. Maybe OD on heroin (never done drugs before and the few people who talk to me know my deep hatred for drugs) and go down with Sid Vicious, Hendrix and Kurt Cobain. Or maybe I’ll hang myself and someone will find my body swaying back and forth. Or maybe just bleed out. After all isn’t it better to burn out rather than fade away?
I think we should all take a moment to think about how the choices we make affect everyone around us. When my sister chose to sneak out and do drugs, smoke cigarettes and get pregnant, she wasnâ€™t thinking about the arguing that I had to deal with when she wasnâ€™t around. I listened to my parents scream at each other nonstop over disagreements on how to discipline her. She didnâ€™t realize what it was like for me to wake up to cops knocking on the door at 2 in the morning bringing her home. She never apologized for the panic attacks that occurred within me every single time someone raised their voice after dealing with the yelling between her and my parents. It didnâ€™t end for 4 years and when it was over I was left with unrepairable damage. I promised myself to never forget to think of others when I made choices. Today, I realized I am a hypocrite. I went out to dinner with my friend and we talked about my eating disorder recovery and slight relapse. She told me that the other day she was watching a show with a girl with an eating disorder who reminded her of me, the girl said things similar to the things I had told her while I was starving, in the show the girl died just as she appeared to be doing better. My friend told me that she broke down in tears, insisting she call me and make sure I was okay, but it was 3 in the morning and her boyfriend wouldn’t let her. He told her I was fine, I was alive and well, but she said she just had this feeling like she needed to hear my voice to make sure I was okay. As she told me this story I felt extremely guilty, I put my friends through hell last year and at the time I didnâ€™t even care. I remember now making her promise not to let anyone call my parents if I passed out at practice. I told her she had to wake me up and not let anyone know. I remember her holding back tears as she agreed. I threatened to never eat again if she told on me for any of it. I woke up one day in the backseat of her car on the way home from practice, we were at a gas station and she was on the phone with her mom, her words still make me sick â€œSheâ€™s in my car and she wonâ€™t wake up! Mom Iâ€™m scared! Mom she hasnâ€™t eaten! ..Is she going to be okay? What if she dies?â€ Tonight at dinner I asked her about that night, she said that she was terrified I was dead. She continued to tell me about her ultimate decision to tell the school counselor and how she decided that my life was more valuable than our friendship, so if I had hated her, at least I would have my life. What kind of a person am I, to make my friend have to choose between my life and our friendship? Now all I can think about is my overwhelming thoughts of suicide. No one knows, Iâ€™ve been careful not to tell anyone, but if I did take my own life, that choice would affect everyone around me. The irony in my life is amazing, I made a promise to never make a choice without thinking about the repercussions to others, but in the meantime I put everyone around me in an awful situation. I havenâ€™t been thinking about how the choices I make affect others at all, but I think itâ€™s time I start.
I go back to school tomorrow, and im so freaked out. Im practically having panic attacks. Im just scared because i go to an all boys school yet you would think its more like an all girls school, so much bitching and stabbing in the back goes on, and i have no friends, i get called gay by everyone, and every single little action i make, including eating ice-cream makes me gay. And now that im in year 9, everyone is getting worse, now any nice people are just being impossible. I wish i wasnt so mature sometimes, it just makes life more difficult -_-‘
so my name is courtney im 16. Â i dont really no where to start. i live with my dad and stepmom, yet i always hadnt. Â my mom hade at a youn age she had 4 kids. growing up she was more worried about drigs and partying so i was left there to raise the other children while i was mearly a child. my mother went from man to man, we never stayed abywee long. so i deacided to move in with my dad. lottle did i realize that this would be such a bad choice. when my dad gets mad at me he grrabs me up like a man and will “pinish” me for it. my dad us the cause of me having panic attacks and they are only getting Â worse. then a couple weeks ago my stepmoms little brother who is about 15 spent the weekend with us. i woke up to him sexually assaltting me. i dont no wat to do. i constantly have panic attacks, my body constantly shakes, im depressed,i cut, i do drugs to try and not think about anything. when at home i sit in constant silance. when i see my dad i often have panic attacks. i could care less of i die. people may be better off without me. i feel emotionally drained. i often dont even feel like eating. i often cone home and go straight to sleep to avoid confrintation. i cry for no reason. im a waist of a life, perhaps i should do everyone a favor. what should i do