you look at my life, seems calm and cozy. i have a well balcenced life with exersise and friends. got ski racing and cadets. From a birds eye view it looks as if  i have the near perfect life not just from other people but i think so to but im just so sad. my life is overrun in my mind i gotta think what to do next for cadets so the head officer wont give me shit. But he does any way no matter how hard i try. he tell me to do a list of things i need for next week. usaully saying […]
Tag:
Peers
its seems everything i knew about the human race the people i’m growing up with the people i look up to the ones that leer over me are all… i can’t rely explain it to be honest its like there cross’t between 2 faced and volatile or in the case of my peers just plane violent i look arrowed and everyone i know it seems purely sexually driven like its the only thing they want need desire is sex and frankly i think it’s a bit floored coos if that’s all you can think of what’s the fucking Pont what do you think… pray tell […]
I have been battling depression since I was 12. In the beginning, people dismissed it easily. My parents thought I was just a “moody teenager”. I got used to simply distracting myself, locking myself in my room, listening to music, reading books and writing poetry as a release, almost like every other teenager it seemed, so I guess you could not really blame them for not noticing. The main difference between me and most of my peers from school was that I had self-harm thoughts at least since I was 14. When I was 13 I witnessed my cousin’s abuse (mainly emotional but […]
I look back over my shoulder
All I see is a past not worth remembering
And in my heart I know that I’ll never escape
The fear of my body growing colder
I see myself in all my pain
Hunched over the bathtub drain with
My blood pouring like rain
Down my arm to the sewer with all those who felt the same
And today I fight to keep at bay
The thought that demand I slay
Myself and those around who dared spout the lie that they cared
And end this life I hate today
So simple the old ways
To give in to hate and relate to life in the most brutal of ways
To berate myself […]
My name is Sarah and I am 19 years old. Since the day I formed human attraction I knew I was in a world of trouble. When I was nine years old I developed my first crush on a girl, knowing it was not socially acceptable I ignored it. I had always been a more masculine kid, preferred riding dirt bikes and rolling in the mud over pretty pink dresses. Although my family had always supported me as an individual they still leaned towards the norm. I was still forced into those pretty pink dresses as a kid. In my early teens I hit a […]
I’ve been arguing with myself over the topic of suicide for a while now. I randomly came across this site from a Google search about suicide and felt inclined to sign up and post something. I’ll be surprised if anyone even reads this. Or comments. Or offers help.
I’m deeply, horribly depressed, and I don’t get why. I’ve never been abused. I’ve never lost a loved one. I don’t come from a broken family. I grew up in a comfortable lifestyle. I have no reason to be depressed. Alas, I am. I’m empty inside.
Although I grew up in a comfortable home, I never had […]
When I was younger, I was molested and beaten almost daily by my older sister who I idolized and looked up to. My parents would blame me for her violent episodes, saying that I provoked her. Whenever I would fight back, I’d be punished, by spankings with a belt, or they would take away things that were important to me.
Later on, my sister told my parents that I was the one who instigated the molestation. It was a very, very shameful night, me, sitting at the table with my family, my sister crying crocodile tears of guilt at 15 years of […]
I made the worst mistake of my life by trying to end it. But the craziest thing happened. It became the biggest blessing as well. I grew up hearing things like, “you’re ugly,” “worthless!” “a mistake” “why didn’t you get an A?” This over time by family, peers, and our culture in general just eroded my self-confidence and by the age of 23 I was in full blown anger and depression. I was so tired of being rejected, judged, teased, bullied, etc that I couldn’t see any other solution but taking my life and so I tried. Well, God decided he had another plan and […]
I’ve been suicidal most of my life, delayed because many people gave me false hope (e.g. “Things will get better,” “It’s a temporary problem,” “Life has intrinsic value,” etc.). When do we stop and look, only to find flipping burgers is unfulfilling – when does a man breakdown from the socially approved unfeeling zombified state into tears and try to escape the mediocrity? The answer is when all hope is lost. Death > Life. I once feared the great abyss that awaits us all, but it now gives me solace and peace – not having to grind through each day, day after […]
I don’t understand. Why can’t society leave me alone. I’m titled as weak. I’m titled as helpless. I’m titled as many other names I won’t even mention by my peers. I was raped. This doesn’t seem fair. I’m tired of dealing with all the ridicule I receive every day. Will it ever end? Will society let me be happy one day? Why can’t they do it now? I don’t get it.
It seems almost childish to be posting something here – from my perspective anyway. I’ve always associated some sort of guilt with sharing. Â I’ve never been great at articulating my feelings well, and I’ve never found much comfort in expressing them, regardless. I’m not exactly sure what I’m even searching for by registering here. Closure? Comfort in confiding in countless, faceless others? Furthermore, I’m not even certain that, after posting this, I’ll even bother to return and read the comments – again, I’m uncertain as to my feelings regarding this. Fear, perhaps? Or maybe it seems unnecessary, as my only goal was, ultimately, expressing this […]
Im not going to say what Im going to do but I actually do plan on carrying it out. I honestly hope I am more afraid but I am just biding my time till then. It is not really impulsive as I am planning it out and will probably succeed. *Hint this is widely used in China and Japan. No sob story. Im abnormal and will never be normal. Tried. Tried seeking help. Tried psych medication. Tried therapy. Life sucked from child till now. I won’t grow, change or get any better. Doesn’t matter if I can attain higher socioeconomic status. We humans are social […]
Yeah I hate my life, but at least I don’t pretend anyone cares. I don’t delude myself with fantasies that my deep, tortured writings are too sophisticated for my peers, or reflect some unappreciated brilliance. I’m a useless tool just like all of you, it’s why we’re on this blog. I’m not special, and I wasn’t meant to live for more than the nothing I’ve created for myself. Stop writing bad poetry. Just do what I’m doing and sit by yourselves and cry about the hell you’ve turned your lives into, but good God do it humbly.
And stop pretending you’re worth more than you feel you are; […]
Do you ever feel like you have done it all?  You wake up to face the day, feed the dog, dress yourself, brush your teeth, eat some food and go to work.  At work your totally disrespected by your peers and Friday you pick up your check.  At the end of the day you come home and let the dog out to use the bathroom.  Jump in the shower and make yourself believe you are washing away the hate, lies, disgust of the day gone by.  You get into bed, mentally numb in many ways and fall asleep after an hour of thinking about how much you […]
I have died in my dreams a hundred times. I have tried to kill myself several times in my waking life, which seems more like a living nightmare to me. Â In all the 20 years I’ve lived I haven’t done a single good thing. All I have is regrets, though when I come to rethink the steps I took and the choices I made there doesn’t seem to be another way I could have gone.
I have been a complete failure since my childhood. But back then I took life much easier because my childhood activities took me away from all the bad thoughts and my […]
To my father, I am nothing more than a mistake: his polar opposite that he doesn’t want to exist. I represent everything that disappoints. His eyes divert whenever I’m around. His attention is short whenever I try to speak. His voice tears down every essence of my being.
Sorry Dad that I couldn’t be the person you could have been proud of as the many peers you compare me with. Sorry that my lack of ability to speak fluent embarrasses you. Sorry that I have insecurities that have ruined our lack of a relationship. Sorry that I’m not like every other normal person.
I’m sorry for just […]
Maybe it’s the way I look or the fact that I have a stutter that turns people off. Combined with having low self-esteem and poor social skills, who’d really want to talk to me, let alone be my friend? Every experience throughout my life has been nothing but miserable, and whenever I reminisce, I’m reminded of how much of a loser I was and still am. What’s even worse is watching my younger sister experience everything I missed out on.
High school was a complete nightmare trying to cope with my stutter, and bullying, along with having friends who did nothing but laugh at my disability, […]
my favorite band motion city soundtrack has lyrics that everyone should consider;
“they say what doesnt kill us
MAKES US WHO WE ARE”
as much as we can all look at our ‘struggles’ and ‘disorders’ as something that defines us, dont let it. dont BE your disorder. dont let it ruin or run your life, from depression panic disorder, bipolar, ED, whatever. youre lettinng whatever created that disorder in the first place make you.
i know how hard it is, to make a conscience effort to just BE YOU everyday with the struggles of school, work, kids, significant others, family and the fucking economyy on […]
Just a shitty day… or a couple.
A day like today where I wake up feeling okay, and then I start thinking about all the things I’ve ever done wrong. And then I start thinking about how I’m a shitty person. And then, on top of that, I feel like I have zero things to offer. I try so fucking hard to be good at things, at art, at programming… I’m in college, getting decent grades and busting my ass… But I hate everything I’ve ever done. I’ve never accomplished anything and I feel worthless. I’m a huge sagging disappointment to myself. I feel ugly; I […]
I live in a world that is not real. I feel like I don’t belong in this world. I was forced to pursue a career that I wasn’t interested in. I talk five sentences with my parents on a maximum. Â They have never once asked me how my day went. I never tell them. I don’t tell them about all the nights I sit alone and cry my eyes out into the pillow. I don’t tell them about the bad days I have, or the good ones either. My joys and my sorrows are entirely my own. I love learning about the Universe, but the […]
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