Taken from Robert Crumb’s Plunge Into The Depths Of Despair (1983)
And if anyone wants these comic strips in a PDF form:
Last night I try too cry but no tears came out, so I cut my self a little to feel other pain that is not inside me. Some times this pain makes me strong but today is killing me. I just wanna desapeard, I wanna be in the eternal sleep. Im not good or strong. I have a very suicidal mind, I can take anything even a mecanic pencil and use it to harnd me. I dont like ro be touched im scaerd wen some one hugs me even my family. I dont like to be around of people but at the same time I dont Â want to be alone. Im really sensative. I rather be lockt in my room. Wen Im sad I beging to scream and pull my hair. I beging to harmed my self.
I dont know what to do know.
I never really had a real passion… the little things here they’re like writing song lyrics the stuff like that running around outside with kids and doing things like that but ive never had a real passion until one day when I picked up the pencil and faded into my feelings and all of a sudden I just started to to write and i rhymed and it all came together so decently…. every since that day ive fallen in love with poetryes I love to write it I love to read it is just a beautiful thing to know that you can poor all your feelings i ln one poem and figure out you relate to so many….now i have a passion that ill forever ever keep with me POETRY serving up poetic justice
I thought I would be okay, but in three day’s time, I had another accident.
A few days ago, I slit my wrist up. Never deep enough to kill, but just enough sting to get the point across. I padded it up and wrapped an ace bandage around it, claiming I just sprained it. No one at work questioned it, my boyfriend didn’t say anything outright about it. It’s hard to keep things from him though. So I told him. He grabbed my wrist and took a glance. He said my name, which sounded so… Off. It doesn’t feel right when he says it. It hasn’t for a while. I digress.
So we found ourselves sitting on the balcony of our apartment, my razors in hand; one slightly rusted razor blade that I had stolen from work (I wonder if they ever noticed I was stealing the blades?) and one from a child’s pencil sharpener. I tossed them into the grass below us.
Well so much for that.
I found another blade.
Today we were supposed to go to his grandparents’ for his grandma’s birthday. It started at 3:30 and I was still at work at 3:20. So I text him, telling him he could go ahead and leave, hoping that he’d say no. That he’d stay with me and we could go together. He says “Okay, meet you there” and leaves. I pass him on my way home.
So there I found myself alone (which is never good). I found myself alone with the razor.
And it happened.
I don’t think I’ll ever get better…
This time he won’t find out because they’re on my legs and I’m keeping my mouth shut. I have to suffer in silence. He won’t notice them unless we get intimate (and that’s never, which has a huge impact on my self-esteem and why I hurt myself. Silly I know, but it happens nonetheless.).
I don’t know what to do anymore…
And I’m scared it’s just going to get worse.
I was born to this unforgiving world, and thinking now i wished that i never existed
8 years of my life that i suffered with my Family without knowing the reason….
I was born in a family of a Father working on another country that I’ve never seen until recently, a Mother who tends to destroy me physically,mentally and spiritually, beating me and locking me up for a small mistake and makes my body bleed for a case like for a single piece of missing pencil, and a little sister who seems treated differently from me, from material things to emotional support that cause me envy and hate her more than anything in this world, due to the difference in treatment i get from this family…
And the fated day when they discovered my Mother’s affair and forced to leave, as she leave she tried to take me with her and leaving only my sister to my Father side but that didn’t happen and i also end up with my Father’s family….knowing later that she didn’t take me with her because she was given a small amount of money
1 year later
she came back to visit us and and only took me out to a place of her relative or friend i dont know…. and stayed overnight …. and i still remember like its just yesterday, that night my mother was crying and repeatedly saying im sorry…. and the next day returned me and never saw her again to the point i already forgotten her face…but not the scars she gave me both physical and emotional………
11th year of my life
My father came back and started his new life and leaves again like a wind
On the 12th year up to my 16th year of my life i ask my self Why and question my existence….
As i grew up with this family, there is this stares, this feeling this hunch that something is not right something is not fair there is just something that only those who have the same case like me……and i ended questioning everything the treatment between me and my little sister the way they easily beat me like im stray dog that did something wrong… i live i question and i suffer mentally and spiritually and i graduated from high-school as im about to talk what i want for my future like any other kid who wants to take their studies and future further ……… and my fate was sealed
16th to 18th year of my life… where everything starts and also ends…
As i tried to tell my family what i want for my future…before i can even explain it they just blatantly told me forget it its just waste of money and time and forget about your dreams………. that time my world started to end. In the end, i ended up in a place i didnt even want to be in and its like they where only forced to put me there and so that they can tell themselves that they didn’t forsake me. as i tried to live my life and study tried to mold my future, together with college stuff i question everything, why im still treated like this, i question my very existence….and why am i in that shit hole i cant even concentrate on my studies and started to take toll on me and in just few months i just gave up i just cant handle the stress…and stopped ….my father came back home again together with his new family …… and that fated day came where one day we have a family gathering in some restaurant and there the greatest blow ever given to me …… he humiliate me, belittle me, and mock me in front of the family and in front of public and speak like he’s a father who’s there to see me grow up but in reality i only remember seeing him 2-3 times in my 16 years of life to the point im not used him being around and to treat me like this makes it worse…
They told me that they’ll give me a chance and enrolled me again and told me restart my studies but its too late, after that i just snapped . i just blew up and just started to loose hope and stressed up mentally unstable ……….. i remember i was in some kind institute for mentally unstable…basically for crazy people.. ……… and there i try to process everything just happened and then in 18 years of life i found out the truth from my doctor that im just a nobody dont have any ties or blood relation just a burden a stranger nothing a trash unwanted im just a living dead and finally lost all my faith with God…….. now every question is answered ……. and after that my mind was clear and I Just don’t care anymore all the envy, the reasoning the hate the questions everything just disappeared and also the very reason to live… i have no future anymore…its too late for me im just mentally exhausted i tried to die the very day i was released from that institute pretend that im stable enough to walk outside again… i was planning to end it but before that i told my self…… ill take back my 18 years of time first my childhood few of my dreams and now as i crawl in this god forsaken world just few more and i can finally free my self from this world and about my family…….it didnt change nor the tried to understand me or even question whats happening me but its ok its too late anyway and i just dont care anymore…. just few more, im enjoying my life right now as i tried to take back few wasted years…and i nearing my end ill probably enjoy my remaining years and wont live to see my 30th birthday… im 26 years old few years to go and i can finally end it all
I may sound pathetic but im just a Human and on the weak side….after all i was raised like i wasn’t supposed to exist
Has anyone played the ole “wants vs. needs” game, in therapy or elsewhere? Last year I was in a therapy group setting. Everyone got a pencil and a piece of paper. Make 2 columns for Wants and Needs, and just start listing each of our wants and needs as they came off the top of my head.
I had a few needs, like food clothing shelter and companionship. At first I couldn’t come up with any wants. So then it was time to put our pencils down. We went around the table, people were rattling off their wants and needs.
Some people had some great examples of wants and needs to share. So I was penciling in some of the good examples. Then someone said that one of their needs was “life.” Automatically I added “life” to my list of needs because I didn’t want to draw attention to myself as a suicidal person. But “life” didn’t belong in my needs column. I don’t think it even belonged in my wants column.
3 things to never do:
try lie to a teacher, getting you expelled.
ignore a guy who pours his heart out to you for over 2 years (only to fall for him when its too late)
or watch thirteen when your are a recovering self harm addict.
i came so close. i ran around the house looking for a pencil sharpener, unscrewed the blade andmy mind went blank. i dont know what happened. the next thing i knew, i was crying in the fetal position. i opened my hand and the blade was deep in the skin at the bottom of my thumb. i had squeezed my hand shut so tight it was stuck in my hand. over 3 months, almost gone down the drain.
some people might count that as cutting, but it was un intentional. unintentional = cut free.
nobodys really commented on anything lately, and i know im pathetic littleÂ girl who should be grateful, and there are people worse off then me Â but i dont know what to do
Ello. Domino speaking. Back from the hospital. And being closely monitored by a drunk dad. Hahaha. I failed once more. What is this, the 5th time? Fun.. Anyways, while I was in the hospital, I was given the ‘privilege’ of having looseleaf paper and a pencil to draw. But of course, I didn’t draw, I write. So I just slept until a dream stayed in my head, and it turned out to be one of my old memories. I feel bad for leaving you all like I did earlier, so I’m gunna type it right here for you all to know a little bit more about Domino Jays. Mind you, it’s like a book. The quotations are to be read and the non-quotes are what’s going on during the quotations above.
“Once upon a time, there was a little boy in a big castle. The little boy was a prince! He had a mom and a dad and an older sister. One day, the little prince decided to go out into the gardens of the castle and pick up rocks. He was going to use these rocks to make a mini-castle for his mother. He thought it was a great idea!”
A little boy in a poorly run apartment looked to the calendar on his fridge. He saw that it was 2 days until mothers day. He didn’t want to get her anything ‘typical’, and his mom used to have a garden she covered with rocks. So he decided to take some rocks from the once beautiful garden to make her a present. He thought it would be a great idea. It symbolized his love for his family and mother, despite the dump they lived in..
“The boy snuck the rocks into his room in the castle. He was determined to make sure nobody but him could find it. He hid it under his bed and thought proudly, ‘This is a great spot to hide it! I’ll get it done in no time for mom!’ And quickly he brought it back out and begun to work on his mini-castle for his mother.”
The little boy snuck out of his room during the night. His mother was taking crap from his father, but the boy was able to get past them without the two ‘lovebirds’ noticing. He went outside and to the garden, picking up a couple rocks and using his shirt as a sack for them. When he went inside, his parents had stopped fighting, and were alone in their room. The boy quickly went up to his room and hid the rocks, before quickly going to bed.
“The next day, the little prince returned to his room from his school day. HIs mother was working on a midday snack for her son, while his father watched the TV in the throne room. The little prince did not want to disturb his mother, so he immediately went upstairs. But his mother stopped him. ‘Dear,’ his mother began ,’Your sister said she would clean the house today, isn’t that swell? She’s done everything but the bathroom. Why don’t you help her?’ ”
The boy returned from school the day of Mothers Day. His mom was cleaning up the dishes, and her hair was a mess. His father was drunk watching basic cable shows. The boy began to go up to his room, but his mother grabbed his shoulder. “Wash the rest of the dishes, dear. I need a smoke.. Oh, and your sister cleaned your room. Decided to be nice for once.”
“No!.. The little prince thought. ‘No!’ He yelped. His mother looked to him with a worried look, and she leaned down to him. ‘My dear, what’s wrong?’ But the little prince did not answer his mother. Instead he trotted up to his room, to find it neat and tidy. He went to his bed, and looked under. The tears suddenly came and he sat on the ground crying. His sister was the first to come in. ‘Brother? Brother, are you alright?’ ”
“What?!” The boy yelled. This angered his mother, and she growled lightly, “Domino, do the rest of the dishes for mommy. Please.” “NO!” He dashed upÂ to his room, with an angry mother following. He dove into his room and looked under the bed. Nothing. All the little boy could do was sit on the ground. He let the tears flow silently. His mother eventually left the crying boy in his room. He was alone, until his sister shown up. “Hey, squirt.” He looks up and she held up the rock house. “Looking for this? You should know better. Now your real family’s in the house with you. Maybe you’ll finally feel better about being a worm.”Â The boy looked down, whimpering lightly. “Oh, shut it, Domino. You know Dad will smack you if he finds you crying.” She went to the window in his room. Opened it to the next door neighbor’s yard, and dumped the rocks into it. The little boy screamed and dove after the rocks. The house was 2 stories, but the boy landed in the covered pool next door. He broke the cover and tried toÂ reach for air. but he lost himself in the water.Â There, he blacked out…
And this is where I woke up. It’s a true story. I was young, really young.
I have been dealing with depression for 8 painful years, and have had a self mutilation additction for seven of thoseÂ eight. I have my ups and downs, but lately I feel like my depression has taken a turn for the worst. I have always felt it mentally and emotionally, but the physical symptoms of depression were always minor. That is… until recently. I couldn’t tell you what triggered my depression this time around. I haven’t the slightest clue. Maybe I’m lonely. Maybe I’m scared. MaybeÂ I feel lost because my youth is very quickly leaving me.
I can’t eat. Every time I even look at food I’m hit with an intense wave of nausea.
I can’t sleep. I toss and turn, and wake up with aches and pains, am terrorized by night terrors and I wake up in a cold sweat.
I can’t go to work. I can’t bring myself to get into my car, let alone out of my bed. I can’t deal with my customers. I can’t deal with my staff.
I can’t draw anymore. Every time I pick up a pencil I am hit with a wave of despair. “Why even try, you know you’re not good enough to even attempt to do that.”
Some days I can hardly move because my joints are so seized. My back, shoulders, hips, ankles, wrists, neck, knees and thighs have been a constant barrage of pain.
I can hardly even come up with the words to speak simply to people.
Worst of all, my mutilation has reached its peak. I have no more unscarred skin left to burn, scratch, or cut. So instead of opening new wounds, I thought I’d write. I’d write away my pain. A paragraph. A short story. A novel. I don’t care what, I will just write until I can’t write anymore.
I know I’m lonely. My friends have all left. Close to graduation from universities across the province. And here I am, working minimum wage at a job thatÂ I hate. I feel like a failure. I had so much potential. And now what? I’m writing to strangers about my pain and discomfort, and I’m ranting about how badly I want it to end. Some future I have madeÂ for myself.
I honestlyÂ feel like I’ve reached my end. I can hardly take the torment. Eight years I’ve been strong. I’ve dealt with the feeling of worthlessness. I thought I had it beat, that I could win this battle. But the battle has so quickly become a war that I am overly tempted to surrender to.
No one knows my sorrows. I wouldn’t bother to tell them. Why waste their time. Why give THEM something to worry about.
None of this probably makes sense. I am at my breaking point that I feel even my brain has suffered. I can’t do basic math anymore. I used to be so good at math.
What am I to do, when after eight years of hell, I have finally lost my will to live?
I sit at the table. And thereâ€™s a teddy resting under my chair. I sit here alone, in this room. No one knows I sit here. I donâ€™t know whether itâ€™s day or night, I donâ€™t care. The air is light and it smells of quartz, so lulling. The whole room is blue, only the lamp on the table is pale yellow, like a moth. I sit here and dream, and I talk to the lamp. The clock on the wall is ticking rhythmically, like a metronome…Â
I pick up the teddy from under the chair, and I put it on the table next to me. I can see its color now – itâ€™s brown. And the black buttons of its eyes gleam. I put it back on the floor.
There is a window to the left of me. The curtains are partially drawn together. I can see trees through the window. The outside looks like a park. Itâ€™s sereneÂ and inviting. If I could go out. But Iâ€™m glued to the chair. Nothing ever changes in this room. No idea. The lamp blinks slightly. I should have learned Morse code, I think to myself. That conversation could go more easily. I sigh. What am I doing here? How did I get here? Or maybe I always was here? I do not remember being anywhere else.
I glance at the teddy, itâ€™s still where I left it. And it gives me a kind of consolation. Something I donâ€™t know chooses to stay with me. And here comes something I must have failed to notice just a moment ago. A needle sticks out of the teddyâ€™s head. And a thread is put through it. Strange. I take the needle out and place it by the lamp. The thread is white.Â
A sheet of paper. A clear, immaculate sheet, and a pencil. What should I write today? About the park I saw? Or about the teddy, the conversation with the lamp? No, Iâ€™d rather write something about yesterday. Yesterday there was a mirror in this room. Itâ€™s not today. No, I was wrong to say nothing ever changes here. Everyday a thing disappears. Another one eludes the eyes. Like my reflection in that mirror. I looked into it, I didnâ€™t see myself.
I look at the sheet of paper , wiggling the pencil in my hand. No, I wonâ€™t write anything today. For tomorrow it will disappear, or Iâ€™ll burn it again after itâ€™s finished. I put aside the pencil. The trees in the park stir. Gee, I must be in a maze of nothingness. Iâ€™ll never figure out the purpose of the place I’m about to spend my eternity in. If nothing signifies danger, and thereâ€™s so much loveliness, then where did the rats go? Where are those sly monster eyes watching me from the corners and from beneath the radiator? Disguised, or vanished into thin air.
I know a day will come when the last remaining entity in this room will disappear. That will be me. Only blank walls will face one another. And maybe Iâ€™ll be free. I pray for this day to come. I hear the clock ticking. Time is a tedious thing when it comes to waiting. But itâ€™s worth it, and itâ€™s never late to …
For now I sit here, in this room, at this table. Trying not to get lost… in my mind. Staring at the box of matches. Wanting to burn this place down, right now… But with each blink of the eye giving it another day… or night.
I sat at myÂ desk in school wondering what it would be like ifÂ I stabbedÂ myselfÂ through the heart withÂ that guys extremely sharpÂ pencil.Â Death by writing utensil. A thought that drew a smile on my face.
Ugh that stupid noise.Â A noise that interrupted the only thought that madeÂ me smile today.
I concentrate a bit harder, butÂ it is only clear to me that the sound comes from the front of class. I look up.
My brain starts to work in time to hearÂ the teacher call my name for, what I could tell by herÂ tone was, theÂ fifth time.
“Rain!Â Is it that hard for you to focus? Did you pay thousands of dollars to daydream in my classroom?” I stared at her. “I dont care what you do in your spare time, but youÂ WILL read your part of the class essay while you are in fact IN my classroom.”
I rolled my eyesÂ and read whatÂ I thought was a good 3 paraghraphs. WhenÂ I was done, I looked up to find her shaking her head at me.
“Must you always write such grim stories? Poetry, Research papers…..class assignments. For God’s sake, Rain. The story was about elves and mythical creatures, but youve already killedÂ off the main character. Class do you not agree?” I looked around as the class rolled their eyes and expressed their discontemptment. She continued. “Ironic for a psycho to major in psychology.” The class snickered and giggled.
I could’ve burned a hole into that guys pencilÂ during the rest of the class.Â “So…sharp..i’ve never seen anything sharper in my life”,Â I thought to myself.
I was jolted out of my trance by a hand grippingÂ the pencil. I watched as he gave me a disgustedÂ look before walking out of class. I picked up my backpack andÂ reached for my binder. I saw a girl staring at theÂ scars on my arm from across the classroom. In a hurry now,Â i quickly grabbed my things and bolted toward the door. She bumped me violently.
“Psycho”,Â sheÂ whispered.
IÂ rushed to my car and barely closed the door before i started crying on my steering wheel.
I traced the scars on my arms and pulled up my skirt to trace the scars on my thighs…”Psycho”
is full of people. but many i met have all turned against me. there is something wrong with me…BUT IDK WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i always had these thoughts of how i know this is not me everything happens for a reason right? well my thought now is if i never moved from california to idaho i would be sweet and innocent but im not….im actually a ***** but people dont see that…especially people here on SP. for example someone was joking around with me in class yesterday and i didnt think of that til i came unglued that he talked to me…SEE WHAT I MEAN???????? we had the same pencil and he said i stole his so i said “u fucking douche why would i do that im not like that so dont accuse me of anything and now u can back the hell off!!!!!!” nice and loud in the middle of class…he replied “dude chill i was joking.” then i felt bad. and sat in silence. so maybe i found my problem this world is full of people who turn away from me…but thats my fault at least i know that now:/ im sorry everyone………….i dont know the point of living. i dont know why im here. i know i have over 400 cuts on me for a reason…i know im abused i know people dont care..im sorry the world has bitches…im even more sorry that im one of them:/
Today was really good. Went way better than expected. So it’s just typical to come home and have that feeling destroyed. Walk through the front door to a grumpy brother and a sleeping mother. Great, Recipe for success. And then it just got worse.. And now i’m this. I don’t know what this is, but I am it.
I have a surprise maths exam tomorrow. Am I going to be able to do it? probably not, I fully expect to break down… At least they say I can write in pencil as it’s only a mock. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this, It’s destroying the Nat that you used to know… The better Nat. The slightly happier Nat. The normal Nat?
Suicide is still very prominant in my mind. It just doesn’t want to stop…. I have a plan and everything. :/ I guess it’s the only way to help this though….
I have Asperger’s Syndrome. I have every anxiety problem in the book. I have manic-depression. I am tripolar. I’m afraid of everything. I’m a hoarder.
There are so many things wrong with me, It’s hard to keep track of them all. It’s even harder to keep them under control. With each passing day, I feel my lucidity and self-control slipping away. The worst of it is, most of it’s genetic.
When I was little, I used to bully my little brother. I had no idea it was wrong, because that’s all people did to me. Eventually, I felt horrible for it, and I prayed that it would stop, that I would gain patience and self-control… That was my only prayer that was ever answered. In fact, it was answered so well that I became a living doormat for thirteen years.
I was placed in special education since the second grade because I knocked a pencil off my desk in an angry fashion. For six years afterward, I was tormented by both my mainstream classes and my own “special” classmates. Not a day went by when I wasn’t hurt in some way.
I started high school and wanted to join mainstream society… By that time, I had already developed a plethora of axiety disorders. Making friends was difficult, especially when most of the students were from the previous class that treated you like dirt.
I moved from house to house constantly, so whatever friends I made were always left behind. Eventually, I just stopped trying.
That’s also the time that I learned of my father’s fate. When I was one year old, he shot himself. He had a loving, supportive family that would do anything for him, plenty of good friends, money, a girlfriend… But the selfish fuck took his life and left us to rot.
My mother never payed attention to me. She gave me my legos and left me in my room. All Day, every day. When I came home from school, I went to my room. She would never play with me, or help me with anything.
I was always being punished and not being told why. It was always, “You know what you did,” or, “Don’t argue with me!”
Her dumb-as-dirt boyfriends weren’t any better. All of them left after I tried to open up to them. One of them held a knife to my throat and told me to kill my brother, then myself. My mother just watched.
My current step-father wouldn’t know how to be one if I shot him in the balls with it. I can’t stand the arrogant gorilla. Fucker threw me on the ground because of a misunderstanding with one of his friends. He doesn’t know anything about me. Maybe if I open up to him, I can make him go away?
My love life is… Well, let’s face it, I have no love life. The only girlfriend I ever had left me after a week. I thought it was going well. Apparently she couldn’t take the wait for me to try to get close (After all, whenever I open up, people leave me forever). She dumped me saying “She wasn’t ready to date men.” The next day, she tells me about her new boyfriend that she met on World of Warcraft. Ever since, she’s been telling me about each and every one of her boyfriends, every detail of her experiences. It became painfully obvious that all she ever wanted from me was to quickly lose her virginity.
I apologize for being the only man who wants a meaningful relationship that doesn’t revolve around or start with sex. Maybe maintaining the friendship was a mistake, but it’s hard to avoid coworkers.
I recall some girls actually liking me in high school, one even asked me out. But I was always too afraid to date. To this day, I refuse to date.
I can’t sleep at night because of horrific and terrorizing nightmares, and insomnia caused by it. I’ve tried sleeping pills, but I seem to be metaphorically immune to medicine.I’ve tried lucid dreaming, to face and resolve the nightmares, but that only led me in frustrating circles.
Aside from all this, I know I’m insane. I’ve always believed in something that I know nobody else believes in, and that even I know is absurd and infinitely improbable. I’m always hearing voices, seeing things, having thoughts or feelings that are in no way my own…
Having both Asperger’s Syndrome and anxiety disorders has led me to something like anxiety attacks, except different. These are like “emotional” attacks. It feels like I’m being assaulted by every single emotion I’ve bottled in, expressed, or never even had or felt in the first place, all at once. It comes in waves, and I get disturbing thoughts and images filling my head,Â followed closely by those disembodied voices. They last roughly an hour, and leave me in a burnt-out mess.
I always figured I would end up in a mental institution. I should have known that my pathetic attempts to reach out (Bad grades, annerving artwork, and even straight-up talking about it) would fail, and that everyone would just brush it off or laugh at it. You would think that, with how many people I’ve talked out of suicide (forÂ incredibly stupid reasons, byt the way), someone would turn around and give a damnÂ about me, but no. I live in constant fear that the only close friends and family IÂ have will kill themselves, but nobody stops to think about me. Do I hide it that well?
I’m currently facing financial issues, I hate my job, and I’m completely isolated constantly from the last people I have left that I care about, or care about me. I want to go to college, but I can’t seem to find any financial aid or grants. I see no way forward for me, I can’t see a future, yet I press on.
I’m currently twenty years old. I’ve been suicidal for six years, and I’ve been severely depressed for even longer. Every night when I go to sleep, I hope the nightmares consume me completely and I never wake up. But every morning I awaken, disappointed, and a little more depressed that the world doesn’t have the decency to put me out of my misery. Every night, I think of a new way to kill myself, but I’m too much of a coward to actually go through with it. Not only that, I think of the crater I will leave in all the lives I’m connected to.
I don’t know what to do. Every day is darker and more hopeless than the last. I feel like I’m wrapped in the barbed wire that is my past, bleeding my very identity, torn open to be displayed as a trophy in this black hole of sadness!
Sorry for writing a novel of a post, but there it is.
All my life no one has really had high hopes for me. No one has ever motivated me into doing anything. Only my oldest sister has went to college and she still can’t find a job. My mom tells me there is no point in going to college in today’s time. Â Me I don’t care what my future holds. There is no future only a present. I get pissed off when I get treated like shit cause I have worked my ass off in school without ANY motivation to keep me going. I have done it all on my own. I decide always to work alone Â because no one but me is going to get credit for what I do. I have threatened people at my school who piss me off that I will stab them in the neck with a pencil and not feel any remorse at all for doing it. Â It is not a lie either. Â They say “Well you will go to jail.” I tell my mom that the minute I am put behind bars I end my life in there. What can the police really do to a man who has no reason to go on? Â As I say that I must confess that I do have a few things I wanna do before I die.
1. Make sure my mom will be in good hands.
2. Get my 1st kiss (You might say why not lose virginity or something? I don’t really care for having sex.It’s lost alot of value in today’s time. I just want the feeling of a kiss.)
3. Make sure my books will go to kids who need it. (I have alot of books.)
4. Tell my nieces I love them for the last time. ( I feel that I owe that to them.)
I don’t want to make my mom sad but in the same sense I also don’t want to feel thatÂ I’mÂ only living for 1 person. Â I just want to feel that I accomplished something in this rancid world that is constantly putting people like me down. I’m struggling to find reason here. I just don’t think I can find reason.
Well I got expelled this school year. I been getting and trouble this school year ! I only got suspended 6 times this school year. I Got put out after the six time because I was about to fight this boy. He push my cousin and he was talking bad to me so I snaped and went off. Well the principle decide to expelled me. So when he expelled me I went crazy by punching the wall , crying , screaming , I the hit principle , threw my school I.D at my the principle too , Broke the shelf , threw a pencil at the teacher that was staring at me , etc . ! Well they had to get the police officer. The police officer handcuffed me and I was still acting crazy. She threatened to mace me and she said if I take you too jail from school your mother going to half to pay a $750.00 Fine. So I Just calmed a little down because I didn’t want my mom to go through that by paying that much money. This week I went back to my Hearing at the administration office to determine when can I come back too school. They said and march , which I been out of school for 2 months. I been out and the street doing bad things. I already went over it but I’m glad they didn’t make me spend the whole 2nd semester out of school. I can’t controlled alot of my anger ! When I get mad I just blackout and don’t care what I do. They thought I was a threat to the school because anybody that look at me while I was acting crazy I would try to fight them. Well I’m gone try not to do this again.