Depression is killing me and its getting worst. Every morning i wake up defeated wishing i didnt wake up. Its hard to face the day without a drink or cutting into my thigh. I have no value to society i can honestly say everybody around me hates me i see the disgust in their faces counting the seconds till im gone. The only contact i have with people is being used to get drugs or take my money. I hate everything about myself my looks, personality and intelligences. I look at others thinking how great they are and how im practically invisible unnoticed maybe even moched. There is no denying the grotesque moster looking back at me in the mirror.
I have never felt any love from anything or anyone. It wouldnt matter if i died the only future for me is cleaning shit or piss off a toliet or doing peoples dishes nothing better. All hope is gone with horrible grades in high school and zero dollars to my name. I realize i could never afford college or anything good at all. I will spend the rest of my life alone broke and repulsive. Im up to a bottle of whiskey a day to numb myself for the dissapointment im about to endure. No love no enjoyment the only comfort i get is from the solance of a drug or drink. Would rather spend money on getting screawed up than on food. The only impact i have ever had on anyone is negative. The few friends i have(if any) will go to college and never call agian.
Broken family my mom and dad stoped loving eachother the day i was born they never kissed when they were together they never loved eachother or me for that matter. My brother and sister told me alot when i was growing up im the reason the familys not togther. Im a 19 year old male and have never had any relationship with any women before so im a virgin. And one day i will lose me virginity to a hooker while 100s of scars on my upper thighs. I disconnect myself from reality to convince myself this isnt real. My parents divourced a couple weeks after my birthday. I will most likely soon enough be put in a adult living facility or inpatient hospital do to my excessive drinking and cutting and suicide threats. Im completely lost and more than ever just want to hurt myself.
My family is going to have me sent away like a sick dog. Its going to happen within this month my mom had the cops in our apartment on two seperate occasions on me cutting myself i convinced the cops i wasnt suicidal but for how long. Im going to be institutionalized because everyday me my mom dad and brother fight and they say im going to be gone soon enough and the scars multiplying on my body broken disposable razors scattered across my floor. I know im going to be locked up in a room or building doped out of my mind drolling on myself so i might as well go out in bang get hammered take a hot shower and just bleed and hope to pass out and not wake up.