I have been a drug addict since I was 15. Â Ive had periods of sobriety the longest being four years however I am once again in active addiction. Â I am a failure in every sense of the word and all I want is to die. Â I have tried several times and just like everything else I try to do in my miserable life I failed. Â I am emotionally and spiritually dead already and have been for most of my life. Â Im 30 years old unemployed and live with my parents. Â Three years ago I owned a home with my beautiful fiance. Â I had all the […]
Tag:
Periods
I go through these periods of withdrawal, when all I can seem to do is stare at the wall or refresh internet pages.  Other times I just feel sick or exhausted or down in some other way that I can’t explain.  I don’t seem to care about anything anymore.  Today I began a journal entry: About a year from now, I will graduate from  college.  In a little over a year, I hope to be dead.  I have a plan, which is imperfect: I want to disappear without ever being found.  I want my family to think I’m somewhere, alive, so that they don’t suffer. […]
As we are to the world, but I guess you would know that.
Favorite line from my favorite song. But moving forward.
I’ve been plagued with the world’s worse bout of depression I’ve ever felt. Its not that I havn’t felt this way before, but the difference here is that I can’t cry; and something about that seems to be hindering my healing process. Quite frankly though, I’m getting tired. Very tired.
I feel like I’m going insane, and the stillness I’m experiencing is like an inner ring of hell. I’m depressed to a point where there’s NOTHING I want to do, which makes no sense seeing as […]
The doctors just gave me the diagnose schizophrenia. Actually I have suffered from it from since I was 12. I am 19 now.
It makes me sad, becourse I know that it will never go away, and I have to take pills for the rest of my life, and the bad periods will still be here to torment me.
I have found a rope, and have managed myself to tie a hangmans knot on it. Now the big step is to step up on the stool, tie the rope to the waterpipe under the ceiling, put the noose around my thin neck, and kick away the stool. […]
I don’t want “periods” where I am clean. I want to be clean forever. I don’t want the blades on my skin anymore. I don’t want the panic when all is said and done. I don’t want to see the blood. I don’t want to have to hide parts of my body anymore. I don’t want all these bad things, yet I continue to do them. No matter how many times I think I’m cured, I’m not. Am I trying to kill myself? Would I ever? I’m not ever sure of the point of this post.. Answers? Advice? No idea….
Things I picked up today after seeing my shrink for the first time in a year:
1) Seasonal Affective Disorder blows. I really don’t want to have to put up with this shit every goddamn time the leaves turn, but them’s the breaks.
2) I was reminded that the probability of getting depressed increases more and more for each successive episode. After two periods of depression, you’re likely to go through a third, which means a fourth is even more probable, etc. Of course this means that as time goes by, it’s increasingly likely that I’ll need to be on meds on a permanent basis. Fuck.
3) I’m […]
This may be an odd question. Hell, even I think it’s odd. You’ve been forewarned.
I have been (and I can only assume others have as well) on this do-I-really-want-to-die-or-not kick recently. God that sounds pathetic. I go through periods of ready, willing, and able, just deciding on a good time and place then back to I don’t want to hurt those I care about before once again planning. I once went to a therapist. She said she couldn’t help until I decided if I was willing to stay alive and actively participate. Yet how does one decide that? What thought processes does one go through in […]
I found myself writing earlier today in a notebook in the freezing cold as I waited for the bus to that would take me to work… The only reason I decided to write was so I could remember everything that was passing through my mind at the time. Reading back over it now, I’m steadily losing the will to fight with myself anymore again. I’m tired… I want to sleep and just not wake up… I know I don’t deserve that; it’s too easy, too peaceful…
I have a family I support solely, children I want to raise and a decent job by most standards, and […]
I am definitely in a bad place right now. I started cutting again and i am desperate for someone to talk to openly, admitting i have a problem.
There is one person who knows this and ignores it by saying i should know better, and it makes sense. But it is not easy to stop just like that, i have some good periods and than it gets worse. I cut so badly, i cut all the way through the flesh, and it disgusts me the other day. People are already noticing i have to many scars, i keep lying but i don’t know what to say […]
People say you feel better if you tell someone about you ‘problems’.
After posting on here for the first time and seeing the couple supportful replies, that felt good and stuff…
The beginning of this story would be that The devil is back again and she hurt me this morning, as so arrived at school, I made the mistake of letting a f ew tears drop, there were just too many to hold. My friends,I’m gonna use their first letters of their names, J came over and started doing the whole comforting thing, asking me what was wrong I knew she didn’t know what was actually […]
Ok it’s 2 am and I can’t sleep. Not only that, I know this feeling, the way my body feels when it’s starting one of those two-three week periods of time where I will not get any sleep… My most depressed moments… This is the first night of this one I have probly at least 2 weeks and no one I know is up at this hour and I’m so lonely and bored it hurts…Â Tired, lonely, bored, missing my razor… So if anyone at all wants to talk I’m here. or you can text me
I stop, just as I opened the door to my home. I stop to look at the cracks on the walls, Like the gnarly veins of some geriatric hand. They a mere sign of age, of foreboding, some harbinger of ultimate failure. I smile and jar the door open. My home makes light of its name, There is no smell of baking bread, no fire place, No patter of claws along wooden floorboards. It is a room, my single bed lengths the right wall. Theres some other small items that sit in the remaining space, secondhand table and chains, a horrid couch spatters with paint, […]
Many of us have been told, “Your problems aren’t that bad. They don’t add up to suicide,†or, “If you only took 15 pills, you weren’t really serious.â€
We have a condition that causes others to feel uncomfortable. They reduce their discomfort by using denial, belittlement and minimization on the seriousness of our situation. While most of this denial is due to their fear concerning the possibility of our death, a part of it has another source. They may also have had or be afraid of having bad periods in their own lives, and their denial on our vulnerability to […]
My mother left my father when I was 2 years old. He was an alcoholic and used to be a little violent against my mother.
I’m turning 24 this year.
My father has changed. He doesn’t have a problem with the alcohol now, he drinks, but not every day. He is well now.
He always send me gifts. Birthdays and christmas. This christmas he called me. He’s done it before. We talk, and I love it. Everytime he calls, after we hung up I cry for hours. I so badly want to have a relationship with him, but I’m a coward. I live in another town, so […]
Hello. I’m new to this site. I saw it as a beacon, almost. Let me tell you a bit about myself.
I’m 14 years old, I’m bulimic, I have two brothers, and I tried to kill myself when I was 13 years old.
The bulimia didn’t develop until recently, since after the suicide attempt I was as self- loathing as ever. My brothers contribute highly to my depression. My older brother is seeing a girl whom I don’t want him to see, since I was friends with this girl at one time but she ended up molesting me. He knows about this, yet he continues to see […]