Three years ago this summer I lost my father. He managed to make it to my graduation and my first summer semester in college. However, towards the end of that summer my father decided to take his own life. To be a victim of SUICIDE.
During that summer, I lost three of my best friends. Not cause of death, no. But because we split up and went to different universities around the state. We do still talk to each other from time to time, its just hard to find another group of people that you share some of the same interests in, the same personalities, and same basic humor.
During that summer semester I joined a fraternity. They are a great group of guys. I came real close to some of them until this past spring semester. My closest friend in the fraternity decided to move back home after he graduated. so he’s about 5hrs away now and is staying there for good to find a career.
Another one of my closets friends here at school is about to leave in a few weeks. He’s going to school two states away. that is an 8hr drive from me.
Its just so hard to trust and be close to people when I know they are just going to leave me. I know it is just a part of growing up and moving on. But it just makes me so sad. I’m so bored with life because all of the positive people in my life are leaving.
I’m just upset and depressed about it all and I need to let someone know about it.
I hate feeling like this every day.Â I hate never wanting to get out of bed.Â I hate knowing that things will never get better no matter how hard I try.Â I hate knowing that I was doomed from the start to end up like this. I hate how other girls Â whine and complain about how terrible their lives are, and yet they have boyfriends.Â Like, seriously, SHUT UP. At least SOMEONE cares.Â At least you have enough luck that guys are willing to be seen in public with you and you still have the hope of a happy ending.Â I have no hope.Â I have no one.Â I only have guys that are interested in me for my body, and even then they really aren’t THAT interested.Â They want my number and pictures etc. but the second I try to have a real conversation or imply going on a date or having to be seen with me in public, they come up with a million and one excuses why they can’t.Â It’s tiring.Â I’ll always be alone.Â I almost wouldn’t mind it if it weren’t for the fact that society acts like any female who can’t get a boyfriend is completely worthless.Â They are probably right.Â I see nasty, unappealing girls with bad personalities who always have boyfriends all the time so obviously I must be the most worthless unappealing creature in the world to not even be able to attract ONE guy. I mean, I attract them.Â I purposely go to the store in sweats, glasses, and no makeup because I hate being harassed and followed.Â However, I can never get any decent guys that want to be my boyfriend, or even take me on more than one date.Â I am reminded of this every day and it just makes me more and more depressed.
My love life is pretty bad, but the rest of my life sucks too.Â My dad makes a pretty decent amount of money, but he is extremely selfish, negative, and controlling.Â It drives me absolutely nuts.Â I can’t find a job because I’m not pretty enough and I don’t have a full degree yet or experience so I’m stuck living in this prison of a house with him.Â My mom is over a thousand miles away and she is the only person that kind of cares.Â She always complains about me though so even though I know she will be sad when I kill myself, I know that it will ultimately be for the better. Â I have NO friends and no one takes me seriously. Everyone assumes I’m dumber than a box of rocks as most people can’t wrap their heads around the idea that a n***** can actually be smart.Â I’m tired of living in a would where if you are a female, the only thing that matters is if you look a certain way. If you are born without the “right look” you are screwed for life no matter how decent or smart of a person you may be.Â I looked up information on assisted suicide, but of course you can only receive that if you have “a disease which will lead to death (terminal illness), and/or an unendurable incapacitating disability, and/or, unbearable and uncontrollable pain.” Â Isn’t being ugly a “terminal illness or uncontrollable pain”?Â What about being a n*****? if you asked most people honestly, they would say that being a n****** is pretty close to having a terminal illness or disability as you will never have most people’s respect. Â Even when I looked into studying abroad as a way of escape, every country I looked up seemed to have issues with blacks so now I feel like there is no escape from this pain except death. Â Sometimes I want to fight and become an amazing person just to prove all of the naysayers and racists wrong, but I hate failing, and something tells me that a non-mixed black female trying to make a positive impact in the world is an absolute recipe for failure. It’s not worth it and I’m tired of feeling like absolute sh*t every hour of every day.Â Sorry this turned out long, and thank you to anyone that read this.
I am Ammoniacku and i am 21 and live in Eastern Europe.
I suffer from OCD and depression. In fact i have been anxious and depressed my whole life. You wanna know why? I am just bored beyond anything by people, in fact even writing this message bores me to death.
I find most people boring and they are turned off by my sarcasm and humour and in fact i think most humans are phony. In Â fact, i declare myself the Holden Caulfield of eastern europe. I hate all social cliques, i am bored beyond my mind by the college i am doing, i have no skills and i probably will hate having a job so much i won’t have any. Besides that my OCD is so severe it makes socialising hard and learning new stuff as well. I dunno what i will do after i finish college but in order to resist the stress of a job you must first have something that relieves that stress, i have nothing, for me even living is stressing.
I suffer from such severe fatigues i barely can get myself to wash and stuff. I hate most ppl personalities and humour and all society s culture seems to be in direct opposite to what i stand for. So being, i have an extreme feeling of hopelessnes, a feeling that nothing matters and so on and on.
My parents are obsessive protective fuckers who make me feel even worse with their non-senses and i just care about nothing in general.
So chances are i dnt like you anyway, and if i am going to kill myself i am going to do it in a funny shocking provokative way, i am thinking but first i just want to show ppl how i don t like them. It could have been better but i am just a weird hard to please being and i just don t get it anyway..
First time poster on here. Just giving it a go i guess.
First off; forgive any typo’s, my wireless keyboard is playing up and sometimes misses or adds letters. Sorry.
Jumping into it then; I’m just coming up 19, living at home with my mum though my parents are seperated. Up until my teens i had it very easy, dad was in a well paying stable job, home life was fine, nothing abusive or any other stereotypical bad background stuff, things were good. I’ve always been intelligent, school always came easily, and social interaction was second nature, leading me to bond mainly with people older than myself as i craved an equal maturity level.
Regardless of how good my upbringing was, i first took myself to a doctor at age 13 due to my thoughts and feelings. He sent me straight off to CAMHS (Child and Adult Mental Health Services) and a few councelling sessions with them did nothing and i discharged myself and continued on my own. My parents had no input in this, the first they knew of it was when they found one of my CAMHS appointment cards. My moods became darker, i found myself becoming aggressive and frustrated at the slightest provocation, and by age 16 i had deliberately isolated myself from the once thriving social life i had, as i just couldn’t tolerate the people around me any more.
Stroppy teenager; yes, probably. The last year though has SUCKED. I’ve never been religious, i hold a very nihilistic view on life, but the last 12 – 15 months have really taken it out of me. In (roughly) chronological order;
I managed to find a girl who i can honestly and truly say i loved. The thought of her alone dragged me from the darkest places i could get myself into, to add a mental image, she was the light in the dark. However, our personalities matched perfectly – which meant we shared the same fierce pride and determination, so our arguments were often explosive, however we could each see past them within the day and go completely back to normal within hours.
A very bad day for myself coupled with my parents AGAIN breaking up (that was a whole dramatic scene in itself, i’m telling you it could have come straight from a soap opera) and fuelled by an arrgument with my love, i hit cocaine. And i hit it again. And again.
-A month gap in my memory-
I come off cocaine and find that my love is long gone, driven away by my own selfishness and drug induced distancing, and i am completely alone withoutregular Â friends, family or the one incredible aspect of my life.
One of my older friends whom i’d shared a great deal with but unfortunately couldn’t see very often, died in a car crash. 2 weeks before christmas. This was my first experience of the death of a person i care about.
I pull myself together. I struggle to better myself and i beg the forgiveness of my lost love, travelling across the country to see her, sleeping on the streets for 3 nights in the cold of february just for 5 minutes with her where she tells me she’s already moved on and is with someone else and that i should never see her again.
I return home a broken man, consumed by the knowledge that i drove her away into the arms of someone else, and that i have only myself to blame, and within the week a friend who had been helping me through the pain of losing her, then kills himself. I never got to thank him for listening when nobody else would. I guess now looking back that he was trying to cope with his own pain by focusing on mine, so i feel partially responsible for his death.
After this event, the career in the army that i had been working toward for 5 years, was taken from me with the revalation that due to my CAMHS sessions 6 years previously, i was permanently barred from enlistment due to mental instability. So i was held down with the weight that a mistake as a 13 year old had cost me the dream of signing up, and ruined the next 30 years of my life that i had planned.
I still struggled to better myself after this rough patch. I dropped college when the army rejected me (as i was on a public services course to try and enter as an officer, it seemed futile to continue) but got myself a full time job, i had money coming in, i bought myself my first car and started seeing other people and getting a life back.
Then my girlfriend phoned me one night in tears saying she’d just swallowed a bottle of pills and she was sorry. I broke the front door down and called an ambulance for her unconscious body myself, and spent 4 hours in the hospital watching her heart rate raise no higher than 60 bpm.
A couple of months on, she had decided to hate me (I promise you i’m not leaving any embarassing details out – i literally did NOTHING to deserve it, nothing at all) and never wanted to speak to me again, so i continued on.
A couple of months later, she’s spread ALL sorts of rumours around my entire town, everybody i pass in the street glares at me, i am public enemy number one. For no reason. They vandalise my car, I’m physically assaulted with no provocation, the whole works.
Mum kicks me out because of my “attitude”, i lose my job as i have no stable home and am unable to regularly attend work, and I’m flat broke with no friends to help me.
I turn to dealing as my only form of making money, and manage to get myself back into mums house and have a little money coming in.
And then (we’re now at approx. 1 week ago in my timeline) the girl i was seeing tells me she’s 9 weeks pregnant. I beg and plead and say everything i can to convince her to keep it, asking even that she simply carries the child and then signs over parentage to me when it’s born and never sees it again, but she aborts it anyway. With remarks such as “oh for f***s sake, if you want it so much i can ask them to save a few pieces of it to send back to you”
Which brings me to where i am today. The last year has just been… relentless. Any humanity i had in me has been taken, I’m a shell of what i could – or SHOULD have been, i’m a college drop out drug dealer with no higher education and no career plans, with no money and a very screwed up view of the world, and it all feels like it’s my fault. I’m not gonna kill myself – I’m not weak enough to take the easy option out (or maybe i’m just too stubborn?) but every day i wake up and beg for something to kill me, i just seriously cannot be bothered any more.
Sorry for the massive rant, it ended up longer than i intended. I don’t expect anyone to have read it all but hey, it feels a little better to get it all down in print.
Today, I am posting this because I need an advice. Like almost every comrades here on this site, I am suffering…A lot. I want to die…But I have no intent of suiciding. I have 3 personalities, so they gave me 3 different choices of what to do, so help me to decide:
My 1st: Continue to suffer, until somebody save me or I have an mental breakdown -> killer -> cops will get rid of me. This guy is weak, lonely, yet gentle and kind.
My 2nd: Cry loud enough to gain everone attention/fake mental breakdown. This guy is stronger, easier to get rage, but is also lonely. He is dangerously smart (my genius part)
My 3rd: Carefree from this world. Enjoy anime, manga, visual novels, hentai, etc. My otaku part. Have almost no emotions except lust and joy.
Been preoccuppied with sp chat and FBSP rather than the original. My old home. I have endured much in my past i jsut want out. I need a gun. Fast. My moms boyfriend wants to take me to mexico so we could shoot guns and shoot drug dealers cuz i want the army to “shoot people”. I want to off myself is the real reason. I am triggered by special phrases that fuck me over most of the time. Whats going on? almost always triggers the voices especially when im insane from 12-4 am… I started crying right now cuz of the voices coming back giving me an anxiety attack…. i hate and love it. i am so masochistic. I have ocd, i have depression, im suicidal, lazy, a dick, smartas, insane, 2 o more personalities, and a troubled mind. I dont deserve life. I enjoye pornography of children, and i hate myself for it. I am a piece of shit. I desire death pleaase let t be the answer.
Everyone i know is from SP or just psn. I seek love but dont grasp it. I flirt on the internet then…. it doesnt matter i need to die…
For the last 5 years i have been feeling like my life lead me to the middle of nowhere. I become more invisible day by dayÂ and others care less and less about my presence. You might say its because i don’t communicate or interact with world, but no, it would not be true. It is just because i just don’t fit in, and my attempts are noticed just for a short time and i always end up alone and disappointed. No matter how funny or talkativeÂ i am for one moment in the next one i am just gone. It seems others make friends and contacts in no time with less effort and time based just on good looks(maybe i am notÂ handsome enough ?) and boring chit chat or copy cat personalities(Yea sometimes when others say something I have told before, it makes loughstorm)Â . It becomes more and more difficult to get up smile and talk to people, because i know… i won’t be able to leave the impact on them, and once we meet again they won’t be more friendly and they won’t let me closer no matter how much i show interest and positivity in conversation, it just seems going down dead end.
So no matter what, I am ready for the last jump to try to get over this chasm or to fall in it. If i can’t gather my last shatters of positivity and willpower my dignity wont leave me other choice than end this pathetic loneliness fulfilled existence.
And by the way here is the tune for the better mood ”The Killers – Carry me home”.
Will I suddenly feel better as soon as I’m out of high school. Is that the big change. I’m sorry, but one year is long enough.Â
I waited a while, it hasn’t changed much, or I’m too focused on one thing to see it. I, instead, have been going through shitty times (yet I may have over-exaggerated a bit) and that hasn’t really motivated me to keep going.
Please I don’t wan to wait any longer. A part of me wants to end it, it’s probably when I’m most depressed. There’s another part that wants to wait it out.Â
The problem with having 2 or more perspectives/personalities is you’re torn between 2 conflicting sides and having more problems arise doesn’t help the pleading case.Â
I am lonely, I want a girlfriend, yet I have a problem with communication. I want to get on anti-depressants or some method to help me, but I want to also join the Army/Marines and I’m pretty sure you can’t join if you don’t pass a psychological check-up including being suicidal.Â
I’m not sure of anything anymore. I just took some ibuprofen for the pain, took 3 200mg or something of liquid capsules at around 6 and then another of 300mg or something, but I barely feel anything. My numbers are probably way off, but anyways.Â
I had the mindset that if I try to mentally harden myself, then I would be able to better prepare myself for anything. Instead I may have messed up badly and broke the way of thinking in my head in some way.Â
My motivation went and took a huge shit and I can’t get it out. In normal terms, I have extremely low motivation for doing anything. I can’t even make myself fall asleep. (probably because I’m stuck thinking, but anyways).Â
My ideals have been shot to hell as well, causing me to wonder about everything with a heavy dosage of cynicism and pessimism into the mix.Â
I think about the end of the world, illuminati, suicide, debt slavery, and am in favor of all, but the latter. I don’t want to go through that. I fear for it thanks to Kieran/Biscuit_of_Death.Â
If you remember Biscuit/Kieran, then I now consider you an OSPer. He feared living a dead-end job, paying off his debts for the rest of his life, working just to pay more, and adding to his stress not allowing him to be with his boyfriend at his university. (Is he still alive, or still paranoid about people snooping on his OSP account?)
Now add that all together into a rice ball with all the pieces of rice different things that I spoke and also things I haven’t remembered to explain like how the bullying left both an emotional and physical scar on me.Â
Sorry I blanked out. Was imagining my first day of senior year at a new school. I still have summer school though, and am extremely low on credits, needing to make up 2 classes and and extra 4 semesters of something else.Â
Time for me to get off as I must take a shower that I don’t want to. Anyways posting this and yeah. Comment on more than the stuff at the beginning and end. -Rogue and Nate.Â
Okay, so, I’ve been diagnosed with depression for just over four years now, and frankly I’m getting a bit tired of it all. My friends simply do not have the capacity to understand. I, an eighteen year old girl, cannot stand my own reflection. I have created this smiling persona, which serves its purpose of falsely leading the people around me to believe that I am ‘okay’, who is able to get all A’s at A Levels, but actually, I couldn’t give a shit. But maybe that’s the fluoxetine speaking? A few grades can’t make me want to live any more than the monotonous personalities who surround me on a day today basis. Four years. Four years of dreading the morning. Four years of cutting. Four solid fucking years of self hate. I am tired. I am tired of this facade. I am tired of life. More than once I have found myself with a noose around my neck. What’s stopping me? At the time, my friends. Now? Well, the problem is that I can no longer answer that question. I fill my life with busy nothings. It distracts me for a while, but a fleeting moment such as this one is deadly. You know, I’ve seen myself being run over by cars in my own mind. Planes crashing into the buildings that I am sat in. Fire, drowning, hanging, all in my own head, which is worrying enough, but worse still? I never even flinched at these visions, dreams, wishes. I don’t know who I am anymore, and I certainly cannot justify why I am alive.
Well if the title doesn’t say it all today sucked for me,well this is what happened. I’m on my break idk why but yea a week of no school ends today 🙁 I decided to hang with my best friend J and my girlfriend A and we started off at the mall ten we went to A’s house and stayed there a while. While at A’s house I was texting J’s crush B and we started secretly talking and A asked what we were saying and I int know what to do so I said no because B used to be her ex so why should she care anyways we told her and she was like “ok cool” but me and J kept on secretly talking about B and I guess A got in a bad mood and me and J we felt it and it was just pure hatred and anger but I couldn’t do anything eventually A told us to leave so we did. J and me walked around and talked about how the feelings were just nasty and stuff so I texted A and asked why she was mad to make sure but she didn’t text back instead she texted J and the text went sorta like this ” hey are you with silent if so don’t tell her anything” J of course read it to me out loud because he is my befriend of 3 years and we tell each other everything he asked me what to say I told him to tell A that I was with you but you wouldn’t tell me anything. After that J got a text that read ” E came out and she wanted to make silents life miserable, E Hates silent and blah blah” A has multiple personality disorder and so does J. I was in shock and A texted another thing that said something like this I can’t remember ” I might break up with silent because of this and that and about this and that and what not” I almost started to cry and we were in the middle of the street both me and J were in shock because I don’t wanna cry for her I had to repeatedly punch a metal pole she also said how C (another personality) wants to kill me I have never been hated before so I was like Woah and J simply said “don’t worry B will protect you” I asked him who was B and he said one of his personalities J has 5 and A has 2. I don’t like the fact that A is gonna break up with me and I know that but I don’t know when. Around 6pm we J texted A and E (personality that hates me) answered so we asked E why she hated me and E said things like because I act fake and like a shadow and I’m not loyal and stuff and E said how before I used to bring A so much joy but now I only ring her pain and I don’t mean to :/ *sigh* all I can do is wait I’m not afraid of them it’s just….I don’t mean to hurt A I love her and all but….if I’m hurting her somehow then I won’t fight for her anymore. I just want A to be happy so when the time comes I’m gonna try to act as calm as possible. V_V
personality keeps splintering, can’t choose a way to be, it’s tiring carrying on multiple faces. What am I talking about? Am I insane. I laughed when I read daniel radcliffe was drunk during a bunch of the harry potter scenes; i laughed to tears. Addicitve personalities man.. i started back drinking coffee again, appetites completely gone, was doing so good eating naturally.. had chocolate this morning after 2 months off.. was doing so well
i was set on not coming back here ever, set on trying harder to be positive, but even then I knew that it was the lingering buzz of the nights events still keeping me content.. i have half an hour and I want to grab my laptop and do some writing but sobriety is creeping back and with it comes depression, anxiety, paranoia, agoraphobia, nymphomania… I feel spastic, feel like my spirit wants to rip free from my body and combust into the atmosphere.
it’s friday and agoffs swag for sale mixtape is online and i still haven’t thought of a reason to pursue a career in anything I like.tired is my theme and mine alone.my body aches for contentment so I’ll give it caffeine and sugar and anything I can tweak off of till I can get home and smoke on the blues.
I sound like an addict and I am, which is why I won’t ever try pills and powders; won’t try to get a taste for alcohol. it’d destroy me. I’d be like those burnout child stars, only without the fame and dwindling fortune. I’m an addict without an addiction, so i have these quick fixes like coffee and candy and greenery but it doesn’t last. Maybe I should find someone to obsess over; it’s what I really want but I won’t pursue because I don’t want to feel weak again. You obsess and you put yourself at the other persons mercy, and most of the time, they don’t know you’re obsessed until you dump them for no good reason…,. where am I going? could I be famous? It’s what I want, the world hanging on my every word. But I couldn’t handle it, the eyes and attention, so I don’t want it. why am i here? why am I on this site? WHat is thisd doing for me, going around in circles, writing all this crap. I should just find a stupid chick that’ll fall for my bullshit and live my days out. i really should, just find a chick and knock her up. i don’t care either way what I do with my body, that’s why im so accomodating to the people around me. i dont giv3e a fuck if you want to cut me in line or get off the subway first or whatever. Man I don’t care if you want me to work late for no pay, don’t care if you want to take more federal tax out of my cheque, fuck i don’t care. Do whatever you want. maybe i’ll contact my father after all these months; i don’t want to apologize.. don’t have an7ything to say.. bah, fuck my father. what do i want to do? nothing really? so what’s next? i dunno. i need to quit this website. all this self loathing…. all these ellipsi…
i have to quit this site. i have to do something.. i have impulses coming from all over my body that I can ignore and sedate because they’re illogical…….. i want to be a robot, live forever, surpass humanity, be an android, beep boop bleep blop! wake up tyrone, get your head out of your ass.
you’re gonna feel bad about all of this writing the minute that you’re sobriety is lifted so stop. you keep worrying that all this writing is going to jepeordize your job so freaking stop. don’t let this depression ruin your life man. you always said that you were better, that you’d never let your body be in control over your mind.. mind over matter man, mind over matter. you don’t have to acknowledge everything that your body feels, the pains of anxiety, the fear oh god, the fear. you don’t need it man.
eliminate the filter between your mouth and brain and say what’s on your mind. forget about how you feel and go with what you know in your mind. 100% man, be you 100%.. be based