lat night , i broke down ,Â andÂ cried my eyes out , thinking of everything that’s been happening , and i grabbed my picture frame , and threw it against the wall , it broke , and i sat down by the glass , and stared balling my eyes out even more , Â i put my hands down and felt glass all around me , from the mirror i broke earlierÂ ( i usually brake things to keep me from taking out out on myself , ) and so i sat there and started slamming my writs into the glass , Â and i stared bleeding , a lot , .. i wanted to die so much at that point , and i thought that maybe that would have worked ,. but it didn’t , and i hated it , Â i tried to do it before , but that time , i Over Dosed ,on pills , but it didn’t work , because my parents found me
Just called a suicide hotline.. they guy i talked to .. he just kept saying uh well you need to look at it from a better point of view.
I lost my 2nd oldest brother cause my oldest brother raped me! and you exspect me to look on the bright side. I look at his facebook everyday, hoping to get to know him. I DONT EVEN KNOW MY OWN BROTHER. And i hate it.. i hate it so badly. I only found out last week he’s graduated highschool.. i never knew.. i didnt know..
I miss him so badly, we would stay up reading the hungry catapillar, playings sims, grandtheft auto.
One time we were playing base ball on the wii and he hit me in the back of the head. We were laughing so hard. We watch movies about tornados and would laugh when the houses were torn apart.. i was so young.. i didnt relise.. i should have been more… i should have paid more attention.. i miss him so much..
I wanna die.. i wanna die! I WANNA FUCKING DIE! I hate this .. i hate this fucking life.. whats so damn great about it. I HAVE NOTHING left i wanna live for.. my faimaly abandoned me… when i needed them.. i was called a filty liar… diserted.. and i was the one who was raped.
My step mom and dad… are the only ones who stayed by my side
and imagin this while court they “accidently” showed me my dads statement..
” i dont beileve her.. but ill never tell her that”
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU SAY WHEN YOUR OWN FATHER DOESNT BELIEVE YOU!
the one who pushed you to go to court to protect other people, what do you say..
Its getting worse i tell everyone im getting better, they think i am.. but really im just wearing short sleeves with cuts on my shoulder. on my stomach.. on my hips. Where no one can see them.
Where i can shred the skin like paper.. and no one will ever know.
Im sorry my mind is running, im trying to keep calm. But theirs a knife under my matress urging me.. or should i use the scapel.. hidden in my closet.. my the razors.. in my dressor.. or the box cutter in the picture frame..
I want to see the blood draining from my body.. all this hatred.. and sadness.. weakness… to just go away.. to escape me.. i wanna be free if only for a little bit..
I try to supress the urges .. honestly i do.. i keep saying one more minute…
ive been fighting since 11pm.. its 5:11am right now.. and i wanna die..
I found some gas online.. it kills you instantly 289 dollars for a can.. i just need money..
what would happen if i stole my parents credit card.. bought it got it shipped here.
I honestly think i’d do it..
last year on new years i attempted suicide..
i drank rubbing achohal
my cousin found me in the bathroom ..
she called 911 and my dad arrived just as the ambulance pulled up..
I was screamming
I wanted to die.. why ..
why were they making me live
i never even wanted to be born!
i never.. wanted.. to.. be born..
so why.. were .. they had.. noo.. right..
to force me to live in this hell..
You know whats funny they say things will get better.. i found out i was going to court in january 6 , 2011 went to court october 2, 2011 it should have gotten better after court right?
They all lied
it got worse
the ptsd came back with revenge..
for me pushing it away so deep down inside of me..
i forgotten pieces of that night..
and the best they got to offer is meds and a “promise it will get better”
My razors have done far better they any med or promise has ever done for me.
Now i keep whispering one more minute..
one more minute..
one more minute..
one more second..
Soon i know.. time will be up..
So Much Stuff Can Go Through A Girl’s Mind .. It’s Funny How At My Age I Had To Go Through All This, It’s Not Even Fair. I Turned 16 On January 29th .. My First Birthday Without My Father, Still None Cared.. Plus I Didn’t Wanted None To Feel Pitty For Me. As I Said On My Other Post .. My Mom Got A New Boyfriend .. We Moved To His House 3 Week’s go. I Had To Leave All My Friend’s Again And The Best-Boy Friend In The Whole World. She Moved My World Up Side Down Back Again Just Like She Did When We Moved Here From Peru And Made Me Leave My Dad. I Got Into A New School Wich Have’s A DressCode .. And Other Stuff I Had To Care Of. I Made New Friend’s Yes. But Everything Isn’t The Same .. I Haven’t Even Told My Bestfriend I Moved Because I’m Scared He Mite Get Mad And Cry .. Because I Know Him And I Hate Seeing Boy’s Cry. Thankfully That Week That I Moved .. He Was In Argentina And He Would Stay 2 Week’s. Now Today Sunday He’s Coming Back. As We Go To Diffrerent High School’s He Mite Not Notice But When He Start’s Nooticing He Can’t Come To My House On Week Day’s It’s Going To Be A Huge Problem. Still I Did All This For Her .. And I’m Giving My Best But I Think She’s Going Way To Far. She Even Came To The Point That I Couldn’t Even Put A Picture Frame On My Wall Of My Dad Because She’s Scared Of What The Boyfriend Mite Say. Rediculous Much !? Now .. This Spring Fling Thing At My School It’s Comming .. So Today I Wen’t With Some Friend’s To The Mall To Search For A Dress .. My Mom Gave Me 15 Dollar’s So I Could Eat. Since She Doesn’t Even Give Me A Dollar Or Care’s For My School Clothe Because It Have’s A Dress Code. So I Wasted My Money On This Dress .. I Decided Not To Eat But To Buy The Dress. I Come Home All Happy And Run To Her Room .. She’s In Bed And I’m Like ” Mommy I Bought A Dress :} ” She Said : ” With What Money ” . Me : ” The One You Gave Me For My Food ” … Her ” Ok . ” I Left To Make Myself A Sandwich With Her Boyfriend .. And Then I Came Back To The Room Saying : ” Mommy Wan’t Me To Try It On So You Can See It ?! . Her : ” No I’m Mad At You … ” . Me : ” Why, What Did I Do ” . Â Her : ” You Wasted The Money .. ” Me : ” But I Was Going To Waste It Anyway’s On Food .. ” Her : ” Yeah But You Could’ve Of Gave It Back To Me. ” . Me Almost Tearing Up Ran Up To My Facebook .. I Just Sat There And Started Thinking How Not Fair My Life Was. Was It So Difficult For Her Just To Tell Me : ” Shure Honey ?! ” Wasn’t It ? . After All I Do For Her. Then I See A Post On My Wall Saying ” Tomorrow’s Someone’s Special Day ” .. I Couldn’t Still Remember .. Then My Chat Pop’s Up .. It Was My Cousin Saying ” Hey, Do You Know Where’s Your Dad’s Grave !? ” My Heart Broke Inside So Fast .. As If It Was An Inside Bleeding, And My Breath Started Shortering .. I Coulndn’t Even Answer He Question Because I Don’t Even Know Where He Is .. Since My Mom Won’t Put My Paper’s .. I Can’t Get Out Of The Country, She’s Even Planning On Going To Australia On Summer Without Me. Not That It’s The First Time .. She’s Also Gone To New York, She Say’s She Have’s To Live Her Life. Now Tomorrow’s His Birthday.. Do Any Of You Know Where Can I Buy A Gift That You Could See From Here To Heaven ? Please Message Me If You Do. I Just Think I Can’t Continue .. I Need To Hear His Voice .. I Need To Smeell His Perfume Or To Touch His Jacket .. I Need To Feel His Warth Or The Sound Of His Car. I Just Wan’t Him Back. I Wan’t To Be Poor Or I Don’t Know .. ANything But With Him. I Need Him With Me .. Without Me I Can’t. I Just Can’t.