hey. today is friday the 13th. but, it doesn’t make much of a difference, since all days of life for me hold a significant amount of bad luck and misfortune.
my ocd is at an all time high, and i have no idea what to do about it — please help?
I can’t take it anymore I’ve wanted this for years. After my grandma died I felt lost. I was with her when it happened, I was only 12. After that my life just went downhill. I dropped out of school got in trouble with the police. I’m never going to amount to anything so why does it matter.
Why can’t someone see, that I’m hurting?
Why can’t I just break?
Why aren’t I breaking?
Why is it when people yell horrible things at me, I stay silent?
Why can’t I fight back?
Why can’t I end it?
Why do I feel this way?
I don’t know what happened to me. I don’t know why all I can feel is cold and anger and sadness towards everyone, even those that I actually care about. Problem is, I don’t think the even care for me anymore.
I don’t think I have anyone who cares for me anymore. If everyone were to pick someone they’d hang out with, I’m no one’s first choice. I don’t even know if I’m still in the choices.
Funny, though. People think I have so many other friends to hang out with, when it truth, I’m alone. I’m always alone. Not that I’m here to beg for a companion, but sometimes it feels really bad. And lonely.
I can’t. I can’t force myself to be happy anymore. I can’t be talkative, I can barely even talk. I can’t tell you any more stories about my day or anything interesting that happened to me. And it’s not like I don’t want to. I can’t. Something in my head stops myself from doing what I want, telling me that no one really cares, so I should just shut up.
I can’t be the same person I was before. I don’t why. I just can’t take it anymore.
So I have been depressed since I was 13, I had a eating disorder (anorexia) for almost three years, I have social anxiety, I self harmed for many years, but now I am 7 months free (yep, trying to hold on) and I tried to commit suicide 5 times.
I can’t stand not being the best, and this feeling is eating me alive. I can’t focus, I can’t stop crying, I can’t sleep and I can’t eat. The feeling of not being perfect is destroying my life, I can’t help but break stuff, hurt myself, slap my face and smash my head against a wall everytime I feel I am losing control and not being good enough. This feeling has been making my life miserable since high school, it seems like I am not able to let myself make mistakes and I can’t even accept when things don’t go as planned.
I am a med student, I have never felt so much pressure in my life like I feel now, I pressure myself to be perfect, even tho I am not and I will never be, I just feel sometimes like I am not doing the right thing and that I am not capable, strong and smart enough to be a doctor. I am starting to feel jealous of my colleagues when others say how great they are, and that isn’t me, I am a sweet person, I don’t wanna be contaminated with this posion, I really need to feel free.
So please, do you have any tips? I desperately need some.
Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
So I am a senior male in high school. I’m 17 going on 18 at the end of June. There’s this one kid Zack who is a freshman at my school and I fucking hate him. I haven’t really talked to him but knowing what he does makes me sick. He dates a girl and makes out with her and everything, he is all sweet and charming and everything (little does anybody know he’s really a ***** and extremely aggressive and violent with guys) but the catch about the girls he dates is that they all self-harm (usually cutting). Sounds like a sweet boy right? WRONG!!! He dates them, then flirts with her friends, cheats on his first girlfriend and finally breaks up and moves on to the next. It’s an ongoing pattern, but the worst part is is his victims. They are all depressed and feel they can’t be loved then Zack comes along and rescues them only to drop them hard. He’s cheating on his girlfriend now. I really want to warn all of the girls he is talking to because they’re already suicidal and depressed, then when he is done with them it hurts them even more knowing they were never loved by him and he was cheating on them…I found out about all of this from a really close (girl) friend who dated him and during that period completely shut me out then came back crying when she found out he was cheating on her. It seems like he has run out of girls to fuck up…I’m just afraid about next year with all the incoming freshman…I fucking hate him!! LIKE WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKING *****?????? I feel like it’s because they are easier to prey on because they’re weak and susceptible to anything like that…but no you are not weak. You are all strong!!! please everyone stay safe I love you (i honestly do, I cut myself too i understand) you’re so fucking beautiful…please do your best <3
How long will your torment last
Everytime we meet there is such a storm, its destroys everything I just earned
I love you past
You are all I have ever had
You were my light
I forgive you… Please forgive me
Its for the best
I now put our relationship to rest
Still desperate to die.
Why won’t they take pity on me? Oh god please do one good thing for me and kill me.
Hey! I am a 35-year old guy from Finland. I first came to this board around 5-years ago.
I have meat here a lot of people. A lot of badly depressed people from many different countries ;=((
If there is anyone from any country who wants to email to me for any reason, please mail me at Tomialatalo@inbox.com
You’re most likely wondering why I so boldly asked for you to read this post. Well, I did so because I have something to say that I believe will benefit you, no matter if this site applies to you or not.
I’ve had an unbelievable amount of personal experiences in my life that in reality could have shattered me from the start but instead, here I am writing this post. I’m not going to tell you that your life will automatically improve after this, or that you will immediately see a change, but what I hope that it will help you in some way shape or form. From an open-minded and accepting friend, I hope you will learn from my experiences as I have learned from others.
~I promise you that nothing I say below is untrue nor exaggerated~
My mother was (and still is) a huge administrator of emotional abuse. She made me and my sibling’s lives a living hell. When I was really little, she and my dad were always working and when they did come home, my dad would shout and stomp and my mom would shriek and scream. My dad was on some heavy medication (presently I believe they were prescription steroids and narcotics) for his back because of his 13 surgeries (he’s always had medical issues. It’s just the way his body works). We were afraid around my dad and around my mom, she would just complain and yell about my dad. They fought constantly and it became fairly normal.
That being said, my grandma raised us three alone for the most part. We lived in a nice house, but were constantly called spoiled brats because of it. People at school made me feel guilty for wearing nice clothes all the time. I didn’t care about those nice things though… (I came to want only to be loved, but that comes later). The three of us fought a lot and were yelled at, but that was a result of not being supervised enough.
Our grandfather was a religious nut who was kicked out of multiple churches for arguing with the pastor over the type of bible they used. He walked to the city every day just to hand out bible tracks. Every time he said goodbye, he would add “guess who loves you the most?” and after we would of course HAVE to say God, he would say “Yeah! That’s right!”. Every other religion was the devil’s religion. Nonreligious music and non-christian books were pagan. One time I wore a two piece swimsuit to his pool and he told me I wasn’t allowed to swim looking like a whore (I was in 5th grade).
Starting from first grade onward, as the oldest, I was the first to face the jaws of elementary school, where according to mom, I had to be the best in everything or there was no point to doing it and you were a failure. I was pressured to get A’s on everything and to be the best at sports and at music. I played soccer, basketball, and then softball where I settled and still play today. I only had one friend and she was my everything. We did everything together and shared everything. So while I whirled around in a sea of advanced papers, practice two times a week, games on weekends, and viola lessons each week, she stood by me. In third grade I secluded myself after we weren’t in the same class. I had no one and after getting glasses, my self confidence plummeted. The yelling became worse. The screaming, the degradation. I just wasn’t socially adaptable. Sorry mom. My recesses were better spent inside doing multiplication and reading the Twilight series anyways.
In fourth grade, I got contacts and started making more friends (a few acquaintances) and in fifth grade, my best friend was back. We weren’t as close, but we had a small group. I also found my first boyfriend, a tall handsome little boy with black hair who would send me “I kinda like you” letters which turned into “Goodnight I love you” texts in 6th grade. I still was socially awkward and had a hard time making friends, but it couldn’t be helped. My home stayed the same oppressive prison as always and my siblings were dragged down with it. My sister was even worse at making friends than I was, and my brother, little did I know yet, was turning into a rather rude and uncaring individual.
During the first year of middle school, I guess I sort of reverted back to my third grade days. I didn’t have a “true friend”, but I had my boyfriend… Who dumped me after the school dance. I cried, as all the heartbroken do, and got over it. So much for first loves.
Eighth grade was the year that completely changed everything. Immediately, I found myself whirled into an unlikely friend group of my current best friend who will never leave and is too amazing to explain (P), an almost-insane spunky girl (SE), an outrageously hilarious girl with a darker side (SA), and a smarter, more quiet, rational thinking girl (K). Together, we bonded over a private joke we created about a group of old ladies starring in our fictional movie “Rest in Pieces”, involving a murder, a clinically insane twin, and humor. We all had old lady names which we called each other. I was Petunia, P was Edith, SE was Gertrude, SA was Mildred, and K was Pearl. We were always together and always talked about things with each other. That year I also acquired a boyfriend (G). I was absolutely infatuated with him. He was tall, funny, strong, and cute (sorry to all of you readers who hate this sort of thing. You can skim it if you would like 😛 ). What drew me to him however, was how he always had people around him, yet hated the attention. His dad had just died the previous year and I wanted to help in whatever ways I could. He was my first serious boyfriend and at one point, though it sounds silly, I fell in love with him.
Funny thing is though, you only find out how much you love someone after they’re gone. SA flirted with him constantly and even though I told her to quit it three times, he broke up with me the Summer before high school started. On my birthday. First thing in the morning. Yeah… That wasn’t exactly my favorite birthday gift, seeing as he was my first kiss… I resented SA after that and when high school started, I didn’t talk to her. She knew it though and every morning while they were making out, I scooted right on past (and yes, they really did that and it was really that gross).
Things at home with my mom were coming to a boiling point. My dad was getting better as his last surgery had really helped him and finally he was back on his feet. He became happier and easier to talk to while my mom only screamed louder. She called me pathetic, lazy, stupid, ugly on the inside and out, fat, unbecoming, brat, *****, mute, rude, mean, idiot, nasty, ugly, arrogant, useless, antisocial, friendless, waste of talent, waste of money, hopeless, snotty, and other names. These were just the ones I had written down. At softball, which I played on year round on a travel team, I felt increasingly more pain every time I threw the ball. So much so that I was popping Advil like candy.
But at school, I fell for a boy with blond hair and misty green eyes in my history class. I still remember the day that he said he wanted to go to Japan and because I sat right next to him, I automatically piped in “really, me too!”. I just hoped he didn’t catch me staring at him too many times… But besides that, grade stress weighed down on me. I found out that high school wasn’t easy if you still want those A’s, and being in the gifted program only means you lose more sleep. Stress and anxiety did not help my arm pain and the situation back home.
Eventually, after multiple misdiagnosis’s, I finally found out that I had a torn ulnar collateral ligament and could ether get a Tommy John surgery, or never play softball again. Seeing as I had already invested so much time into the sport, I decided to get the surgery. On January 12th of 2015, I woke up from a successful surgery, but with 3 little ugly scars, one gruesome big winding scar, and a hulking cast. I partially blamed my mom for the surgery seeing as every time I told her it hurt, she wrote it off as an excuse and sent me back out on the field to damage it some more. Over that post-operation period, none of my friends contacted me (except for P who asked once how I was doing).
I went in a few days later to take my finals which I had missed. I took my algebra 2 and honors history finals while on narcotics and ended with A’s which I was happy with. But when I was permanently back, things started to turn around for the boy with blond hair and I (J). We began to talk and I fell for him more and more (sorry readers who don’t like sappy romance, but he plays and important role!). Eventually he became my boyfriend and while G and SA made out in the open hallway, we sat at the end and just talked to each other. Sometimes he would even bring me breakfast and I would in return bring him some as well.
We talked about where we wanted to travel, about politics (rarely), about our favorite music (he liked country, I liked classical, alternative, and soundtracks), about TV (which mainly consisted of anime because I’m the biggest closet anime fan anyone will ever know… Inuyasha anyone?), and many other things. We were best friends who happened to really like each other and that like eventually turned into love. He was the first boy I ever let do more than kiss (disclaimer, we both kept everything below the waist on, I repeat, pants on people!). But I felt good about it, not ashamed. I did it because I trusted him.
When Summer came, we were both busy me with sports, him with camps and trips and such. When we did get together though, we did fun things. He took me to a wolf preserve and on my birthday, gave me pale lavender roses and a beautiful silver necklace that I treasured and took with me to Europe. Things were especially great when he came down to the beach with my family and one night I snuck into his room and we JUST laid together (nothing more… I just always wanted to fall asleep in a boy’s arms…) . Waking up early, I slipped back into the other room and to this day, I treasure that memory with all my heart.
But when 10th grade started up, we had no classes together. I found out that SA and G had broken up as well. She and I reconciled and our friends were whole again. Things quickly turned for the worst though, when I joined a new team with an abusive, loud, drill sergeant of a coach who made us do conditioning until we felt like we were going to vomit and made each of us cry at least one practice. I got a new viola teacher after outgrowing the other one, but he made me feel like I was doing everything wrong and wasn’t good enough… I didn’t practice for the months I was with him. 10th grade was even more work than 9th grade and I began to get anxiety attacks as things at home heated up again and again. So I broke up with J to save him from the burden of my life. I cried while doing it and after he hugged me, I knew I had made a mistake. I knew it but didn’t say anything. Instead, I cut my long hair and cried.
And cried. And cried. And had a panic attack. And cried. And then I learned that SA had been sexually abused by G and had attempted to end her life. She cut her wrists frequently and had tried to jump off of a roof. As messed up as I was, I tried to help her all that I could. We became close and bonded over our love of Studio Ghibli and view of life. I had somehow prolonged her life and in doing so, mine as well.
In February of 2016, I went to J and asked for him back only for him to say no. He said it would be best if we remained friends. Immediately after that I learned that he had gotten a new girlfriend, a girl a year older than him who in all unbiased honesty, was not as pretty, not athletic, not as smart, and just not prominent in any way besides the fact that she played the same instrument as him (which is percussion…).
A little before that, my sister declared that she didn’t want to be a girl and she didn’t really want to be a boy, but a boy was better than being a girl; She was transgender. My dad and I were quick to accept and support her while my mother constantly fought and yelled at her. To this day she still yells. And we’re seeking help as much as we can for my sister through therapy and support groups. My sister’s a lot happier than before, but all of her progress gets pushed back by my mother.
Not being able to deal with the stress of life, I took to cutting. I cut off the safeguards of a daisy razor blade and slid it across my wrists. It actually didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. But the next day I was so ashamed of what i had done. I partially covered it with bracelets and hoped no one would question it (which they didn’t much to my relief). I eventually even contemplated a means to an end. SA found out though and she told me not to. She pleaded with me and recently, I decided to quit all of it. Boys aren’t worth it, mothers aren’t worth it, no one is worth that kind of pain. If J would settle for someone like that, then hell, I’m sure there’s a prince for me out there somewhere 🙂 And though my mother still yells, I now have the support of the rest of my family and look towards the days when I will leave this house of unforgiveness and pave my own path in the world. One full of acceptance and kindness towards those who need it most.
I learned that living is one hell of a struggle. But without those hardships, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good in life as I do now. I wouldn’t be able to understand others like my sister and SA. Wouldn’t be able to interact and connect with others as I can now. Some can’t push through those adversities though, and I’ve learned that that’s why people need to stop with all of the fronts, all of the acts. Stop being selfish and materialistic and start caring about others. We’re all just people. No one is any better than anyone else, and everyone has their own purpose. I am a firm believer in this. I myself am not perfect, but it’s those imperfections that push me forward.
If you’re still here and lasted to the end of that long speech, I applaud you and hope that my story can help you with your own.
Here’s SA’s own website for additional story insight: https://diffidentdaydreamssite.wordpress.com/
Here’s my email as well if you ever wanted to ask questions privately or just need a friend to talk to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you, and I wish you all good luck in your journey.
I got the first email which someone had asked for help. Someone cannot take Depression anymore and wished to erase herself from existence. Due to privacy, I will not disclose the name. I wasn’t sure of what happened but I have replied the email, hoping to hear from the person soon. I am neither a psychologist nor a psychiatrist; I do not have the expertise in medication or knowledge of how to deal with Negativeness and by that, Depression or any of the problems that many are facing. I can only be a reader and/or a listener of your problems and challenges faced, be it created by your family, relationships, working life etc. Let me know whatever problem you have and let me read them. As a human, I can only do so much for you but I really hoped that I can help in any way possible. For assistance from different organizations, in my country is quite limited so you will need to search on the Internet of what help you can get in your country.
It is tiring but please give it a try. I applauded the person who actually wrote the email to me and I want to say this – You have made your first step of putting your pride aside and asking for help. Please reply the email and we can make a difference. Like I have mentioned I am not “well-experienced” in life, however, I have lost people who I love; constantly thinking about death and suicides; what is the best way to end my life or disappear etc. It’s not a good feeling in the long run and I was sick of trying to kill myself! So, I want to help you in coping all those negativeness.
Let me know and I will try to help.
Hey! Any people here from Scandinavia or Finland?
If you like to talk to me please email me at Tomialatalo@inbox.com
Hello everyone. For many years now, I’ve been interested in cutting. I was initially attracted to the concept of cutting, that is, self-inflicted mutilation as a means to relieve stress, but was unable to give it a shot because I participated in activities that usually involved me getting undressed (working out at the gym, martial arts, etc) and I understood that if I started cutting, these markings would be easy to detect and suspicions would be raised.
However, since my situation has changed considerably and I do virtually none of those things now, I was wondering if someone would be so kind as to share with me pointers regarding cutting–where and where not to cut, what to cut with, techniques, etc.
Please make sure to comment on my first posting–“The First Word Was ‘Dream'”–with your email addresses and I will send you all emails with a proxy account, whose address I will not mention here (it will be very obvious that it’s me).
Hope everyone going ok anyone heard from GT ? Did he succeed ? Anyone gone ? I hope not please try stay strong I have been on in a wile so what new to the suicide club
So I have another decision to make …..to stay in lake tahoe..or..go back to park city utah… ether way I’m stayinf four months. I hated my life when I was in Utah but I will be away from my in laws for a few months or so and I’l be out lake tahoe were I see my life going no were.
Down sides ccomplete seclusion , crappy food. nothing to do but work and It will be just me and my husband .
Also after this four months my life will be up in the air MY husband dose not want to move back to Chicago ever . that also mean I get a sweet taste of feedom and then what I move back in with my inlaws . I cant do that today my mother in laws said I fucked up so manny times just listen to her and I will be happy . while add I like to suffer and destroy her aons life and make mines harder. ……um what miss your the one regeting your choice to move here .
What should I do ?
I’ve seemed to stumble into a place where everyone tells lies to me. Those I love, those I am of service to, those I call family, my society, my government, my country, my species, and even myself. If that is not a hard concept to grasp, or even handle, I don’t know what is. We are all living in a place where it is rewarded to lie, but the moment you are caught, you pay colossal penalties. Not only does it feel like everyone is against everyone, we have decided that, as a whole, “all for one” was the best way to achieve greatness; unknowingly did we just put our own species into a evolutionary stunting circle in the long run, we have destroyed, killed, maimed, manipulated, and twisted the likes of our kind across the world and expanding this idealism of hate and individual greatness at the expense of others into god knows how many generations to come.
And yet all the while as our species as a whole is coming crashing down and shaking each and every one of our foundations (since we are all connected), those of us on this site and millions of others lie to ourselves that we are not good enough. We feed ourselves these harsh and painful blows that can make even the toughest and thickest skinned man cripple to his knees. I first-hand am a victim of my own lies and hurtful ways. But it’s high time I start changing those approaches and silencing those voices. This is my statement not only to you, but to me as well; I am better than all of the lies I aim at tearing myself down. I am stronger and more compassionate than those voices could ever begin to imagine. I am a person that, in my few moments of saneness and contentness, chooses to fight to be here everyday.
If you have gotten to the bottom of this, thank you. Reading the words I write to the vastness of the internet now falls on your screen and you have chosen to wade through my bullshit. I hope that whatever you are doing, wherever you are, whomever you are, and why ever you have decided to finish this long promise to myself, that you are okay. If you are happy, I am grateful you feel that way; if you are sad, please take the last energy you have to care for yourself. I love you very dearly and hope only the best comes your way. If there is anything I can do for you or any one of you, please don’t hesitate to comment. It would be no burden on my shoulders, for it helps humans overcome traumatic events if there is someone there who can even remotely understand their pain. I love and care for you. I hope you are having a fantastic night <3
I’ve just started using this site so I’m not sure if anyone would know my story, but if you don’t here is the detailed you might need to understand the rest of my rant.
A year and three months ago, my lifelong best friend committed suicide. Since then, I have fallen into a multitude of bad habits, bad treatments, bad situations, bad moments, and really, just an overall bad life. All the friends I had left when she died. The only person I have right now is my boyfriend. Also, you might need to know I’m a cashier. Like I said, please excuse my rant and by no means do you have to read the garbage I create. If you do, thank you for doing so. Anywho, I’ll get on with my rant.
Please don’t ask me how I’m doing. All god damned day I will stand at my register and make simple conversation with those I check out just to make the day go faster. And every single person asks how I’m doing and every single time I respond with “I’m good!” yadda yadda. But in my head I always say “Well, I didn’t throw up this morning, I guess I’m decent” or “Well, sir or ma’am, I would just love to be dead right now.” And then, if family comes around or teachers or counselors or old friends who are bored talk to me, they always ask how I’m doing. I’m not okay!!! I haven’t been even near okay since she held a gun up to her head! Do you honestly think that a person who was so close to another that decided to blow her brains out is okay?? Tell me, are you stupid?
It has bothered me more how those around me that know my best friend died can ask such a stupid question. And to make it worse, when I say good, every single god damned one of them accept it like it’s true. And I know what you’rethinking right now. “Just tell them you’re not okay! Let out your feelings!” That is a much harder task to accomplish than percieved. If I were to tell my parents, my family that I have been trying to commit suicide, that I have turned to drugs, illegal activity, and horrible habits to handle her death, I would immediately be put in a psych ward. And maybe that’s best for me….maybe that’s where I belong. But I feel that that in itself is a contradiction. To open up to one, especially to that magnitude would require vulnerability. I would have to become vulnerable to those that ask such a silly question; and I feel those that ask that question do not want my vulnerability set on their shoulders. So, then, what is even the point of asking such a stupid question when one doesn’t care about the answer? Why does society like to put on a mask of caring and compassion when really, no one would give a shit if you were to say you were bleeding out on the inside?
Thank you strangers who ask the question to pass the time, but please, can we cut the shit and admit neither of us care about the other so there is no point to ask such a powerful question in a mediocre setting.
May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Did you ever read Voltaire's "Candide"?
He says live life at Benny Hill freak out speed
Not a quote of what he wrote but a paraphrase
Make it up as you go Keyser Soze
Highlights yes but don't underline 'em
Just live for N.O.W. like Gloria Steinem
Life is like Marion Barry
It's not all that it's cracked up to be
Like Fred Sanford when the big one comes
Find the meaning of life is there is none
It's twenty-four hours when you call it a day
Be Frank and say "I Did It My Way"
Don't give a flying nun no don't give a Gidget
Just have more fun than a well-oiled midget
If life were picture perfect you could frame it
But the world is a diaper so let someone else change it
Life is an aimless drive that ya take alone
Might as well enjoy the ride, take the long way home
May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
All born equal unless you're Canadian
Then halfway through decay like Uranium
You define what's death-defying
Get the most out of life or at the least die trying
Are you Evil Knievel jumping a train?
Or running with scissors like Frasier Crane?
Have really good times doing really bad things
'Cause the show ain't over 'til the fat lady sings
Like Elton John with his candle in the wind
It's hard to blow out a flame as big as him
But we've all got to Wang Chung with the Grim Reaper
Whether you're Einstein whether you're Beaker
Death is certain so it's definitely worth flirtin'
Don't expect a bright light no just curtains
Life is like a penis most people don't know it
But most people suck so they usually blow it
Life is an aimless drive that ya take alone
Might as well enjoy the ride take the long way home
Life is an aimless drive that ya take alone
Might as well enjoy the ride take the long way home
I said that's enough!