(Sorry in advanced if things are disjointed posting on my cell)
I found this site nearly two years ago thought maybe I should make an account. Each time I would be bogged down with fear that maybe I shouldn’t what would people think? After all I already get looks because I have to see a doctor on and off or the medication that has caused issues in the past.
Today I gave in the fear is still there however something I said last week gave me pause. “Maybe the reason I haven’t tried in a while isn’t because I suddenly want to live. Maybe it is because I feel I am nearly done with this life. That hopefully I will die soon of natural causes.”
I was given a odd look when I said that then the comment. But you are in your early thirties how can you say that. Followed with the age old rubbish of, “It will get better.” I hate that sentence, have heard it since I was ten. Things have not gotten better. Yes I know I am not in an abusive home or relationship, I have a job a car and house.
Those things are all material and can go poof. I for some insane stupid reason still crave love and a family. I hate that about myself the most. I don’t want to need or be needed since to me need eventually leads to using. I refuse to be used so I refuse to do anything that can lead me to what I want most.
I go to work I go home l log into a game a mmo lol and even in game I am alone. It really is pathetic and the last doctor to try to get me and do something out of the house I refuse to return emails to.