I guess I’m just feeling alone and discouraged. I live with my friends and they are all at university, getting there lives together, and then there is me. The people I live with, their parents pay for everything for them, their rent, food, shopping. I have to pay for everything for myself. I may sound like I’m complaining but its very hard to watch your friends get things handed to them when you are struggling. Sometimes I wish I was born into a very rich family with parents who are never around or don’t really care for me. I don’t know what would be worse, being unloved and rich or being poor with parents who are sometimes there for you. It’s hard to see people doing things that you know you probably won’t be able to do, so I’m just feeling very down lately. I’m feeling sad.
I wanted to kill myself from puberty onwards. I am now in my 40s. I tried to kill myself 4 times before the age of 20. My life has always been sh*t and I wish my first suicide attempt had succeeded. “A permanent solution to a temporary problem”? I don’t think so. If you have poor mental health it is unlikely to ever get that much better. It will always be there. Plus where I live the government has reduced mental health services due to austerity, as well as benefits for people with mh problems. So I can just survive on the money I get, not live. No relationship, holidays, days out, treats, whatever. I have malnutrition because I can’t afford to eat properly and that just makes my depression worse. I can’t work too many hours because I get so tired and anxious, so I will always be on the breadline and the government keep cutting support. I really don’t see the f*cking point. The planet is too crowded anyway, suicide should be encouraged. The government should offer cyanide pills: if they aren’t prepared to help people live, they should help people die.
Is only me
I’m not capable of such kind
But surely I loved you
Your feet to the ground and to the view
Feeling, all that I feel is ultimate agony
Call to me, the poor and agony
You beautifully blow into a black-hole
The Blue Marvel, do not gravitate me farther in time in your fate
Faith, keeping me upside-down in irony
Allah, I call to, Allah
I remember back when I was 19 years old, there was this big “civil rights controversy” that started in Florida where a Muslim woman wanted to have her drivers ID taken while fully covered in a burka, which covered every part of her face accept for her eyes. The far left jumped right on it, and bleed for her. Also Muslims are allowed to pray 5 times a day at work. These are not equal rights, these are special rights given to people who are religiously delusional. I don’t discriminate since I’m an atheist. These are not real rights!
i know someone near and dear to my heart that has severe weight problems because of lymphedema. She has to go to the doctor though she can barley walk. When she enteres the doctors office, all the chairs are small with arms. No accommodation for her! Same with airplanes. No accommodations for people who need two seats unless you have to pay extra (which is discrimination).
society is so lopsided in what really matters!
a poor person still has to pay rent, but a megachurch with people who preach hate, intolerance and trick desperate people into giving them money so they can afford another private jet? TAX EXEMPTION!
so what the fuck is going on?
homelessness, chronic unemployment,prison, death, or living with abusive family. bad health (that can be fixed), and a bad life. all because im on only child, im poor, and i spent years in college instead of a job. i had so much to offer the world. doesnt mater anymore, now all that matters is whether there is an afterlife or not. i accept my fate (though i still am fighting for a decent job). oh yes, most black men end up dead or in prison. why do you think that is? i didnt beat the odds. i accept my fate. i hope the afterlife is painless.
Here is the deal, im poor,black, and my future is not bright. I live in a world that many people online may not understand. It is a cruel world where people are homeless, drunks, in poverty, and life is cheap. Those are the lucky ones. The unlucky ones end up in jail or dead. I came from an ok home, i guess. Though,, i went to college, and cant find work. I just want to get good heatlhcare, and a decent job so i can get away from my “family.” I may end up homeless one day, but thats ok. I know that i have tried my best not to get caught up in the wrong crowd. Im an only child. I want to live, but times are tough for me. im just venting. blah.
i knew it. The only reason that the doctors didnt know what they were talking about was because they were doctors that treat poor people. The really good doctors know what they are talking about, but they require insurance and money. I deal with a caseworker, and she is a very judgemental person. She thinks i cant find a job cause im crazy or something. No, the reason i cant find a job is because i was the only person in my family to go to college, and i didnt realize what to do in college to get a great job. I didnt network and meet people who could open doors. But what did i know? I come from an area where most people end up in jail, or stuck in a terrible job with horrible pay,and never go to college. So, all the people in my neighborhood resent me, and people from nice areas think i didnt try hard enough in school, or didnt meet the right people, or think im just crazy. This is ridicoulous. I come from a one parent household, and it wasnt easy. People judge off what they think is the truth, and it is ridicoulouls. Poor environments are so negative overall, and it is horrible. Nice environments are great, as long as you know what will help you, or you are connected to the “right crowd.” The only difference between someone in a great job with great health, and someone in a poor job, or in prison, is coming from a good home with powerful connections, or coming from a terrible living situation with crime and poverty and hopelessness everywhere. I go to certain environments, and everyone is totally toxic. People are treated like criminals for no reason, and there are very few oppurtunities, no health care, little hope. I go to other environments, and you are treated well as long as you look like you belong there. It is sad and ridiculous. I hate how society is. I want to live a good life, but society is telling me that im not able to do that, unless i make the right connections. And the right connections are telling me they cant help me. I get it, im not important enough. That means i have poor doctors, poor healthcare, little hope, and i have to deal with issues like crime, poverty, bad health, and possible homelessness. They paint me with the picture of being mentally ill or lazy or a troublemaker. I am neither lazy, mentally ill, nor a troublemaker. I only know this stuff because i have seen many sides of society. I am so angry, whatever happened to affordable healthcare and the American dream of moving up in the world? /rant.
The thing with my look is that it is nerdy but something worse than that. I look fucking retarded that someone could stare at my face and burst out laughing. And it happens. Many times in fact. I get discriminated against SO badly by teachers alot and other people. You can probably say that no, everyone looks beautiful, I think you look okay blah blah. No mine isnt just ugly. I have a severely downward slanting mouth when my face it resting. My eyes are the worst. It is uneven one is upward slanting while the other is upward slanting. I cant even smile properly, my half smile looks horrendous like totally contorted. I have to smile very hard but I really cant hold it for long, and it will immediately transitioned to a resting ***** face.
It is not the fault of one flaw or another, but the combination of both that makes me like the “odd one out”. You may think Im kidding but trust me when you see me, you will fucking understand. My looks is like a piece of flat dough except the dough looks much better.
I tried, I really tried not to focus on my looks. But really, looks doesnt matter is an overstatement. It really does matter. It really does. Or at least one need to have nice smile but I dont have. And I have uneven and very poor facial structure. And it is very glaring whenever I walk past a mirror or someone takes a picture of me.
All my life I have been treated like a nobody and I really try very hard for people to accept my looks. But it is just imposssible to notice. We are still visual creatures and looks still play an important factor. My awkward but attractive sister make more friends more easily and my parents act all surprised. It is just natural and human nature to be more attracted to attractive things.
For me, I can never have that “charisma” or something that makes people really like me. Just yesterday someone took a picture or my resting face and just burst out laughing. I actually dont blame them. Becos I look at them myself and I just completely understand. I really do. All I want is just is to be alone and away from pain. I have been crying and struggling to make friends for the past 12 years.
And I really tried.
My dad,always yells at me,mostly if I have late homework.He tells me “You only think about your self!” Finding me crying,telling me to think about myself!And not to long ago.I was crying I wanna die.My dad was like “I don’t care!(in a whiny baby voice) I’m so poor and I wanna die just because I have to clean!”.My friends and my mother only know why I wanna die.My dear friend,Dorothy, died from a stroke…shortly after my tenth birthday.And she had got me lots of things and I wanted my mom to tell her I said “thank you” she said “no your going to make a card” then she died with out knowing.My mom didn’t know how broken my heart was.Then I cut…My friend told the school counselor.Okay so me and my friends have crushes on fake characters,mine were Jeff the Killer and Bonnie The Bunny.”go fuck Bonnie!Go fuck Jeff!” Is what I swear is all I heard from them.And I swear my bff likes that jerk more than me.I always cry and my mom says “Hush little angel,you want to take your life away,but I won’t let you.” At school,that girl called me lesbian.And I would cry at school.”why throw your self out,love?” My bff would ask.That girl yelled at me to shutup,”everyone hates you!””I know many people who have committed suicide!” I was crying I wanna die! My bff started crying.”your the best bff I’ve ever had!” “She made me cry when you are sick!” I hugged her telling her “don’t go to her if she hurts you.” I won’t” then I saw her talking to her “why are you doing this???” “I want everybody to be happy!” I thought why don’t you care if she hurts me?
I’ve been around watching and reading for three years guess I decided tonight was the night I made an account I don’t really know why maybe because the only person I’ve cared about is on the phone with a asshole that treats her like shit and by the time she gets off the phone shell tell me how much she regrets being intimate and cheating on him with me then again I could be here because I’m a sick puppy as is
I’ma be, and you’ll see
Why don’t you know
I’m my own that wants to be
You put all your claim on me
I am the way that I am
I never asked for anything
But a sick boy
Screaming for a home for his mother
My son in paradise
It’s only ever been me
. . .
Then screw you, then
I’m my own key-master opening to the gate
Damn, Minotaur, that you are
We all fall in our places
Let me bounce, let me bounce
You can come whenever you’re ready
It’s not me, that does not see
Moan at your own time if you gonna’
. . .
It’s like when Decker, being chased by a crazy psycho
Trapping the mouse, the poor little mouse
I walk that I walk for, peace
Right into the jazz
We all fall in our places
Either we’re together, or we’re not
Spike, had to go away
But nobody still knows the truth
It’s quite a second chapter
What should I dare to say
Bounce that I bounce
I’m the lone stranger, forever
Kicking it with my homie, Mecton
I guess truly, only my mother knows me
And the music that say and scream
That is everything, God
Can you see our opera
Ave Maria, is my god.
I go for walks every night at around 11-12 hoping that ill be the next murder victim or poor person in that hit and run you see on the news, i do this because i do want to die but i don’t want the people around me to have to deal with the thought that i committed suicide and there to blame for not making my life better, even though some of them are in fact to blame, I don’t like the thought of moving my problem so i want to die in a way that they know there was nothing they could have done about it a “natural” death if you will because i care about the people around me even though i don’t care about my self
I am extremely tired of ptsd. At night I hear malicious whispers that don’t go away. I woke up to the noise from the workman next door here in disability central. There is no sun today. I feel like death, like going away forever. A woman said to stay away from social media if it bothers me, seeing others doing better, she doesn’t grasp that this is a life line for me. Because of the poor sleep I hear his evil voice more often. I’m tired of wondering what this is doing to me physiologically. You know there is no god when you plead with one for almost two years to take the voices away and that evil fucking god does nothing to help you. I can’t stand living here anymore and I’m too afraid to move, I’ve been beaten up really bad on the ptsd train, others disappear, are callous, or treat you like shit b/c you are who you are and aren’t exactly like they are. I miss my priest and the cat and now have no quiet place to go to for a refuge, when I tried a couple of times the voices followed me, I’m fucking tired, have nothing left but appts., one scary one I am terrified to make, and paperwork that terrifies me as well b/c I don’t know how to move forward, too terrified, and nobody cares. I’m fucking tired, I want my poor brain to heal. He wasn’t around last night the one I depend on. I’m so fricking tired of the fall-out of incest in this cruel world from hell, it is always cruel, but my mask means they don’t know. Oh, cruel evil people if only you did know. But I know you wouldn’t care, either. Fuck the world.
There is nothing good about me.
1) I am bangladeshi and still live in bangladesh.
2) I am autistic.
3) I am 19 which means almost 1/3 of my life is already over (because bangladeshi men usually live 60 years and women 70 years).
4) I am a male and I am inferior to females.
5) I am only 5’4”.
6) I am fugly and brown.
7) My parents are fucking poor, make only about 20k a year.
8) I have no skills because I am autistic and thus I have no job and no money.
9) I am the stupidest human to have ever existed.
10) My head is super small. only 9 inch long and 21 inch circumference. No wonder I am autistic and super stupid. I doubt that I even have a brain inside my super tiny head. I am so dumb I can’t even solve rubik’s cube.
11) I have an iq under 50.
12) I have no friends. Everyone hates me.
13) I am extremely socially awkward.
14) Never even got the chance to talk to a girl. got called a pervert for just looking at girls several times.
15) Life doesn’t get better no matter how hard I try.
16) I have no future.
WAAAAH! WAAAAH! (cries like a baby) T _ T Why the fuck was I even born if I can’t even live happily? screw this fucked up world! FUCK YOU STUPID WORLD! FUCK YOU MONEY! FUCK YOU INTELLIGENCE! FUCK YOU LUCK!
Still here. Unfortunately. I can’t even find the bravery kill myself and make the world better for everyone around me (and for me).
My cousin hanged himself in 1993, out in Colorado. My other cousin was an alcoholic and flipped his truck in 1997 and offed himself that way. Not on purpose, I think, but how many happy alcoholics do you know? And here sits the other genetic freak of the family, the other poor sucker unfortunate enough to feel. I was 12 when the first one went, 16 when the second one did. They were both in their 20s. And now I’m newly 34, outlived them both. If there is a higher power, It’s a really fucking sadistic one.
Two of the three different ones are gone. When do I get my peace?
7 years ago, prior to my last attempt, I, along with 9 others bared witness to an angel ascend- my angel to be precise had been battling Aids for 15 years, and although in constant pain and discomfort he took me under his wing and like a mama bird- he nurtured me, showed me the care my own mother never could.
His poor, old, tired body could take no more and so we all gathered around him at a time he chose and bid him goodbye- he had such a high tolenrance from the hundreds of medications that had kept him alive that now they hindered his leaving… he looked around at all our faces, the look of pleading in his eyes and plan B had to come into play but as his body naturally fought it I, feeling a wave of selfish angst had to be held down so as to not hinder his wishes… me, of all people… didnt want to let him go. So I understand, I really do. But now, it is me with the pleading look… i am begging, release me, let me go
Sometimes I can’t help but think that depression is such a selfish thing. A logical part in my brain tells me that ‘it’s a chemical imbalance’, but the self-hating part of me tells me I’m a horrible person. I mean, there are starving people out there, people without homes. I have a home (though sometimes I struggle to pay rent) and I don’t usually starve, though I am now. No money to pay bills and pay for food and whatnot. But anyhow, that’s really the extent of my worries. Money and some life decisions I’ve made recently. And I know my poor upbringing doesn’t help my thought process, but still I feel selfish. I feel so alone as I sit in my apartment, just my cats and myself. I don’t want to reach out to anyone, because no one I know seems to understand. And besides, I feel so selfish, what will they think? The judgement is always there. At least, that’s what it feels like. Well, don’t want to turn this into a rant. I wish I could say ‘signing off forever’ but it’s not my time yet. So instead I will say, try to have a productive day, friends.
Medications number 14 and 15 woooo.
Now taking 100 mg of Lamictal (will be bumping to 200 soon)
and 2 mg of prazosin (1 mg 2x a day)
I cry every single day now 🙂 . My doc dismissed this, and continues to just want to up the dose because I’m still suicidal, Idk what he doesn’t understand about the fact I will never not be suicidal and I will never not think of harming myself daily.
I did find out that I don’t process folic acid right which can screw with my body’s ability to make what controls my mood. Unfortunately I can’t afford the vitamin I need to fix that, a low and behold of course Tricare doesn’t pay for it 🙂 .
In other news still waiting to file taxes and get the return back so I can get my decaying mouth fixed (I’ll probably be paying at least a grand to get that done because low behold again the Tricare/Metlife military insurance doesn’t cover all of it) 🙂 . I also try to get new glasses I’ll be paying out of pocket for because Tricare doesn’t pay for that either 🙂 , given the wrong script for 2 years and I’m missing a nose piece 😀 . We also want to get new phones and I could use some clothes after losing 30 lbs this year, not having money for food is great 🙂 .
I tell you I hate you every time I feel like saying I love you. I never want to seem crazy but I feel crazy crazy that once again I have failed feeling too much over a course of months. My father said love was a myth for the fools. How mythical of me to fall in love with a fool. Poor little fool who can’t seem to love me. If only he had the ability to feel what I feel how I feel it we’d be able to prove daddy wrong. So instead I say the second strongest word I feel hate because I hate how I can’t say love. I tell you I hate you then you tell me not to hate you but all I can say is “oh but I do.” As a child I told myself never to give up on love no matter how bad my perception of marriage was I told myself somewhere else some way I would get magic. I would feel the magic , live the magic. But as I get older, wiser, I start realizing that for some people it just doesn’t happen and even though they don’t feel the magic they receive at least once in there life a brief encounter with what the magic could have been. And I know you are my encounter I might not have gotten the fairy tale I might not have ever endured great love but I sent out the only pure love in me that remained and gave it to you. We don’t always get the dream but we get awfully close. But I suppose happy endings are for happy people and I can’t be happy for the both of us. But for as long as possibly can I will continue to say I hate you. Until I’ve made you believe it. Let me be fortunate enough to believe it.
“there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.
people so tired
either by love or no love.
people just are not good to each other
one on one.
the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.
we are afraid.
our educational system tells us
that we can all be
it hasn’t told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.
or the terror of one person
aching in one place
watering a plant.”