well, i had a good day yesterday. how was your day?
So I know some of you saw my earlier post… It was a negative little bugger, wasn’t it? I’m sorry for posting it. So, instead of being a Debbie Downer (heh), I want to impart something positive for the day. I know many, many people who dislike far, far too many things about themselves, whether they be mental or physical (myself included). So, I challenge those of you who have insecurities created by some jackass who told you that you weren’t good enough, etc., or insecurities created by some sort of self-loathing to look in the mirror and say something you love about yourself. Wether it be “I love the shape of my eyes” or “I like the way I complimented this girl” or “Dang, I look bloody good in these jeans.” You all deserve to love yourselves… so do it! Good luck my loves 🙂
Guys guys guys! Lets play a positive game!! Reasons to live?? GO!!
For the last 5 years i have been feeling like my life lead me to the middle of nowhere. I become more invisible day by dayÂ and others care less and less about my presence. You might say its because i don’t communicate or interact with world, but no, it would not be true. It is just because i just don’t fit in, and my attempts are noticed just for a short time and i always end up alone and disappointed. No matter how funny or talkativeÂ i am for one moment in the next one i am just gone. It seems others make friends and contacts in no time with less effort and time based just on good looks(maybe i am notÂ handsome enough ?) and boring chit chat or copy cat personalities(Yea sometimes when others say something I have told before, it makes loughstorm)Â . It becomes more and more difficult to get up smile and talk to people, because i know… i won’t be able to leave the impact on them, and once we meet again they won’t be more friendly and they won’t let me closer no matter how much i show interest and positivity in conversation, it just seems going down dead end.
So no matter what, I am ready for the last jump to try to get over this chasm or to fall in it. If i can’t gather my last shatters of positivity and willpower my dignity wont leave me other choice than end this pathetic loneliness fulfilled existence.
And by the way here is the tune for the better mood ”The Killers – Carry me home”.
been doing some journaling lately and got an urge.
Well, Iâ€™m trying something I figured Iâ€™d do on the way home.
Just got back from Dr. Markowitz and again was having discussions about doing things, how I donâ€™t wanna do things, all the negative thoughts, all the incentive not to, how I wanna die all the time, and shit like that. Since I always seem to have a little shred of positivity after I come home from him, I decided on the train home that maybe Iâ€™d try writing down my thoughts, something he has suggested and has been suggested many times before, so here I am.
Everything is negative thoughts to me. That doesnâ€™t even make sense. Haha, look, even stupid grammar and spell check are getting on my nerves, underlining all kinds of shit here and there. Fuck grammar and spell check, asshole.
Why do I keep making paragraphs and indenting shit after like one or two sentences? I guess that will make it easier to read, if I ever read this, or if anyone does. Iâ€™m going to save this now. I wonder if there is a â€˜journalâ€™ folder or some shit like that that I started, with one lone document in it, at some past time where I thought I was going to start writing and never continued. There have been a lot of times like that, but maybe not on this computer.
Well, now this document is alone in a folder called â€œWriting.â€
That shit depresses me.
Letâ€™s see if I can think of the negative thoughts I had on the way home from Dr. Markowitz and try to re-record them in some type of minimally understandable way here.
I am not Jonah Hill.
I am not that guy, or that guy, or that woman, or her or him or him or her etc.
That woman is beautiful. That woman has a hot ass. I will not talk to them. If I did, it would be impulsive and stupid. What would I say, â€œHiâ€? There was a time a few years ago in which I had a bit of renewed confidence and tried to score with Eduardo using the rules of â€œThe Game.â€ That shit depresses me.
All my past depresses me. Seeing people that look like people from my past depresses me. But I am getting ahead of myself.
Well I thought about the mountain of negative thoughts I always have that always disincentivizes me, and how I never will get anything done, and if I do, whoâ€™s to say that it has a point, and even if I get one thing done, itâ€™s still only one thing of millions of things, and whoâ€™s to say I even did a good job of it, like this writing thing, so far I think it is going kind of crappy, although I must admit itâ€™s good to see words filling up a page with the work of my finger tips and it is mixing up the monotony of shit just a little bit. Well, kind of a lot. I donâ€™t know, I guess itâ€™s ok, anyway I guess in spite of the above, what markowitz and everybody else says is that its better to do the thing than not do the thing, and after all, what have you got to lose? Well, I guess I have some time to lose, but thatâ€™s more of a general/long term thing, because right now I most definitely would not be doing anything else interesting except playing stupid â€œAnagram Magic.â€ My life sucks.
I guess if I wasnâ€™t playing anagram magic I would be thinking how I should respond to that girl from the online suicide groupâ€™s email about meeting up. Which stresses me out. Why? Because I canâ€™t/wonâ€™t/know I wont do anything. I really got sidetracked goddamit. What is this. My stupid mind. Shut up Jesse, itâ€™s not stupid, itâ€™s great. OK itâ€™s not great, itâ€™s fine. You calling your mind stupid is â€˜the depression.â€™ Stop underlining shit in green stupid grammar check. Should I turn it off? I wasnâ€™t going to because everything is pointless/what if I need it later and need to turn it off but maybe I will, no, forget it, it will mess up my â€œflow.â€
What else on the way home. Well, fuck doing things in order. I was just thinking about how I was like â€˜oh, Iâ€™ll have to get a chair for my desk,â€™ and â€˜oh, then Iâ€™ll have to clean all the tobacco on the desk,â€™ and â€˜oh, I might as well just clean my whole room if I do that,â€™ â€˜why donâ€™t I wanna clean my whole room?â€™ â€˜well itâ€™s a pain in the ass but more importantly then I will get it clean and 1) eventually Iâ€™ll have to clean it again 2) it will be some weird symbol of how I was feeling better and then later Iâ€™ll be like â€˜youâ€™re such a fool for thinking you were feeling better/this is depressing how you get inspirations and then later they die.â€™ Why is all that stupid, well, I guess I donâ€™t have to explain because if you reread this it is self-evident. My thoughts are stupid and I wanna die. That is stupid. Downward spiral.
Also when I think Iâ€™m feeling a bit better then I see people that look like people from my past and remind me of shit. One was Dmitriy from Intralinks. Dammit if only I could go back to that past and do shit right. And I wish I hadnâ€™t been prescribed the stupid adderall, although maybe I still would have lost the job if I hadnâ€™t have been, although maybe if that dumb Dr. Grossman had just suggested I try the antidepressant alone first I would have coped more functionally, I hate myself and my life is fucked and I want to die.
I was thinking about putting on some music, (momâ€™s home now, do I talk or act like an ass and say â€˜donâ€™t interrupt me, well, Iâ€™m kind of talking to her as I write this).Â She says itâ€™s really raining hard now. That fucking sucks. I hate when its raining because it makes smoking cigs a pain in the ass, also my dumb fucking ghetto ass umbrella is broken and I donâ€™t wanna buy another one/havenâ€™t yet bought another one. Also I hate buying stuff and doing things. I wanna die.
So far this isnâ€™t especially explanatory. I donâ€™t (mom is bothering me about the medication. Its not bothering but Iâ€™m getting frustrated. I canâ€™t explain all this shit. I canâ€™t explain anything. Canâ€™t canâ€™t cant. Canâ€™t you try? What is wrong with you? I wanna die. You? I?)
I keep thinking sort of like what is the point of this if I donâ€™t reread it or show it to somebody or something. Well, itâ€™s an activity. I would like to show it to one of my doctors (lol, one of my doctors), but itâ€™s not like it would make a huge difference and anyway with all this long shit Iâ€™d have to retain them fucking full time.
Mom says chase is canceling â€˜quick pay.â€™ That fucking blows. How am I gonna get reimbursed for shit now? You are such an idiot.
Another thing that I of course thought about on my way home, as I always do, these things that hold me in my depression, things, not thing: Bill, birthday/funeral/books, benâ€™s wedding, dentistâ€™s appointment march 20th, shoes, jacket, haircut, beard, clothes. Do I need to actually elaborate on this shit? Well, it would probably help, but â€˜iâ€™d prefer not to.â€™ There I go again, fucking bartebly. Maybe I could pick one of these subjects and discuss it in more detail tomorrow, maybe do one each day or something? I probably wonâ€™t do it and what would be the point anyway. Oy vey, there it is again. So maybe I will do it. But I wont do it right now. Why donâ€™t you ever want to do anything now? Well the easy part of explaining it, the emotional shorthand that you already know, is that you were hoping youâ€™d be dead before having to deal with any one of those things.
Why do I want to be dead? Oh there are so many reasons, there is one big reason. All the negative thoughts, the hopelessness, the bad attitude, and beyond that, the sad closed little suffering world that my fucking life has become. I hate myself and I want to fucking die. Why wonâ€™t I just kill myself? How would I even do it?
Well Iâ€™ve tried a few stupid ass things. Iâ€™ve tried to hang myself with my belt. From a few doorknobs, as well as a few doorways with the aid of the exercise bar that my dad got me as a lark (on a lark?) for my birthday. It wasnâ€™t my â€˜realâ€™ present, thatâ€™s â€˜in the bank,â€™ for me to decide, and the big dilemma there again is that I donâ€™t want anything, but death, and I was hoping to be fucking dead before I claimed it.
Anyway, ive also tried to drown myself in the tub (couldnâ€™t breathe in the water and if I did Iâ€™d probably just involuntarily pull head out of the tub when I coughed and get some painful fucking lung infection or some shit) and I also took four benadryls/diphenhydramine and taped a plastic bag over my head, it got so fucking uncomfortable within a few minutes and I didnâ€™t even come close to falling asleep, what a stupid idea, I had thought of it and researched it already and knew it wouldnâ€™t work, then I read some bozoâ€™s forum post saying thatâ€™s how heâ€™d do it IF he wanted to die, people who say â€œIFâ€ I wanted to die donâ€™t ever know what the fuck theyâ€™re talking about when it comes to suicide methods, they donâ€™t realize how fucking hard and complicated it actually is.Â Also when I tried to hang myself my throat hurt for like a couple weeks when I swallowed.
The main way I think that is actually the most â€œlogicalâ€ is jumping off the damn terrace, something that I always am fucking thinking about, yet which at the same time I have also realized is something Iâ€™ll never do. Or maybe I will, I donâ€™t know, but this is the part where then I really just want someone to fucking kill me, or at least to kill both of us, which is something Iâ€™ve explored quite a bit as well. Because often I just know I want to die, I fucking know it, and then I go out on the terrace, canâ€™t even fucking conceive of that shit, then I go back to bed and imagine it, and later I am on the terrace not being able to conceive of it, and so on and so fucking forth. Fuck, I am getting a bit fatigued, cold, want a cigarette, getting kind of frustrated with how fucking all over the place this shit is, too, kind of want to smoke and then come back and play fucking â€˜anagram magic.â€™ What the hell is wrong with me? It has been 40 minutes or thereabouts since I started writing and I do have about 2 and a half pages of single spaced (bullshit) writing. So should I just say, oh, youâ€™ve done enough for the day, or should you push forward? Does it fucking even matter? Hate decisions, hate inconsequential decisions, hate consequential decisions, hate everything, wanna die, there you fucking go again. Going for the cigarette, then weâ€™ll see, guess Iâ€™ll probably play some dumb fucking anagram magic, then maybe Iâ€™ll come back to writing? Should I make a new document? Or continue this bullshit? Come to think of it, should I make a new document for each day, or just keep it all in the same document (assuming I actually give this shit some continuity)? And if itâ€™s one document, when I start writing again, should I start after the page break? I donâ€™t fucking know and I hate this. Oh you negative ************. I hate you, I fucking hate you. I wonder if itâ€™s still raining. Goddamn it if it is.
If doing things that made me feel good led to bad things, should I just do things that feel bad? But I only do what feels bad now, or actually I only do what feels good, but almost nothing feels good (except sleeping and eating, although itâ€™s debatable if even the eating feels good since the negative tense thoughts are normally running through my head the whole time, and with the dreaming, its usually about people/stuff I am sort of sad about when I get up, in addition to the fact that I am sad that I am up and still alive), but isnâ€™t there a big difference between KINDS of bad and KINDS of good? Whew, what a shitty ass run on sentence, my lord my lord.
Just got back from appointment with Andrew, another one of those experiences where I feel a bit better afterwards and during the walk (yes I actually walked back this time, havenâ€™t in a while) while listening to my music, singing/whistling a bit, had my old swagger back, but where simultaneously I could feel my shit going down hill and continued thinking my â€˜futilityâ€™ thoughts pretty much throughout. What the fuck man.
Part of the reason I felt a little better, ironically (ironically? I dunno) was because I saw Amir waiting in the waiting room after my session, and he said, â€œHowâ€™s group?â€ I said, â€œOh, you havenâ€™t been going either? I havenâ€™t been going hahaâ€ and I donâ€™t know why that made me feel better, actually I do, it was that I wasnâ€™t the only one who has stopped going, its funny how I feel stupid about that making me feel good so my first inclination was to say â€œI donâ€™t know why that made me feel betterâ€ even though I pretty much did know why, although I guess I still donâ€™t know why the fact that I wasnâ€™t the only one who stopped going, although, I guess I doâ€¦because Iâ€™m not the only one? Because Iâ€™m not alone? Why does that in itself matter if I am alone all day? I guess this is kind of a sign of why I have such difficulty with feelings and emotions, because even if I know why I have a certain emotion, I donâ€™t know the why for the why, or the why for the why for the why, and so on and so on and so on oh circular brain you kill me.
I was thinking on the way home about I have been depressed with regards to Amir before because he just does so much more stuff even if he is in a rut of his own, he does yoga and runs fucking marathons and shit, even marries people, has an incredibly active social life and travels, etc., his only problem seems to be about getting motivated to do his art, heâ€™s lucky thatâ€™s the only thing, heâ€™s lucky heâ€™s even got a career as an artist, has his own place, seems not to have much financial difficulty, has a dog, probably does his own laundry and showers on a regular basis too and just generally seems better equipped to manage life, as everyone does, except me, and maybe some of those people on those social anxiety forums, who still, in their own way, seem better equipped to manage life, in that way that makes me feel all alone, like I always do, like a freak, a freak with no ability to change my attitude, to change my life, TO MAKE MYSELF DO STUFF. Anyway I also thought, even though he is better at shit, itâ€™s kinda nice that he still feels he identifies with me, the alternative would be him thinking (knowing?) heâ€™s better and acting like it. People who are relatable usually tend often to try to identify with me, and I always deny them the credibility, thinking, â€œyou donâ€™t know how bad Iâ€™ve got it,â€™ when I should really just accept their sympathy/identification and be grateful for it. Should, shouldnâ€™t should should should, whatever, oh, stupid red underlining, the repetition was on purpose for crikeyâ€™s sake, maybe I WILL turn you off soon ************.
Now Iâ€™m hitting some sort of a block, fuck me, fuck everything, fuck life.
Oh, I was just thinking about Ray Fatty again, about how I want to send him another text begging me to take me with him, how I feel a bit better in this moment, feel more expedient about shit, then it always seems to go away, would rather go out on a high(er) note, although of course even if he did take me with him it wouldnâ€™t be in this moment so I dunno. So I dunno what, FUCKER?? You are always getting distracted by some shit, getting some kind of brain fatigue, and then just saying â€œI DUNNOâ€ or some dumb bullshit. What I was thinking is that this info renders this shit unshowable to parents or anyone who doesnâ€™t know about my desperate attempts at using the internet to find a suicide partner, or, more aptly, to fucking kill me, and I donâ€™t care if they kill themselves too to tell the truth although the image that got stuck in my head of dying in a car holding hands with some depressed girl while the h2s fumes peacefully (yeah right) overtake us is still stuck in my head, calling me, ever since Colorado Michelle stopped fucking responding to me at all, and since Laura decided she didnâ€™t want to do it that way, couldnâ€™t drive all the way up here and do it, that weâ€™d â€˜get dinner and chicken out,â€™ etc. I wonder if she actually will send me that N. And if so what I will fuckin do with that shit since I have no idea how to order an effective antiemetic.
Then thereâ€™s this girl Katie who posted on the hideout group about trying to organize a â€˜suicide anonymousâ€™ type group, who, for all the dumb numerous reasons I am not responding to (yet) which makes me all the more anxious, and that little ************ ryan on the group who always makes me feel like a fuckin dick asshole, who I canâ€™t respond to cuz I donâ€™t know how to get angry without feeling embarrassed plus I guess I sort of agree with him, I do act like a moron on that group, I never write much shit cuz Iâ€™m too lazed out/uninspired plus I am a desperate little fucker who really would rather someone kill me than commit suicide, but what the fuck, I donâ€™t understand all these people who can write all this long well-articulated shit when they are fucking depressed, oh god I hate that little fucker I hate him, I fucking hate bully people what the fuck what the fuck I hate them and I hate me. I guess its hard to fight back against bullies when you feel like an asshole yourself, like what they say is true, I guess thatâ€™s why all those poor middle schoolers kill themselves from the bullying, poor little fuckers.
What else. Well, I enjoy listening to music but certain songs come on and I like them but they remind me of shitty things, for example thereâ€™s a leon/homer/toby/whatever song on write now and you know about that whole can of excluded/lost opportunities worms. This is one of those stupid blockades where I just donâ€™t want to fucking describe all that shit that leads me to feeling depressed about it, partly because I know already, although I guess the point of this exploratory writing is just to fucking articulate that shit for myself more, but I donâ€™t wanna, fuck you. â€œI DONâ€™T WANNA, I DONâ€™T WANNA!!â€ Why? Cuz itâ€™s too hard? What is the deal, lazy fuker? Oh yeah, itâ€™s not laziness, because laziness is usually something else. Everytime you think you â€˜shouldâ€™ do something and donâ€™t do it, you feel like an ass, the solutions are either to do it, or be more self-accepting, people say, and these solutions, to me, SEEM COMPLETELY SELF-CONTRADICTORY!!! What a riddle! I just donâ€™t know how to deal with all this shit, and it even seems acknowledging how contradictory it is is its own damn futile thought which doesnâ€™t help anything at all! Circles and circles and circles and circles and everything is still dirty, and squalid, and disorganized, and broken, and fucked. Fuck you. Die! Die! I want to fucking die! Your hair, your body, your clothes, your room, your closet, your past, your future, your present, your life! Your fucking life!!! Fuck my ass!!! (If youâ€™re qualified).
I am getting kind of fucking tired of this. Why do I get tired/bored so fucking easily!!! Too many years of smoking pot?? WTF! I hate my damn bullshit. And the indecision of it all, and the disgust! What should I do now? Keep writing? Try to end this shit on a more â€˜positiveâ€™ note? Write back to that girl, Katie? (I wonder if Iâ€™ll be able to follow through on that shit, or anything, like the holographic breathing sessions or the primal scream therapy, goddamn obstacles, the phone/not answering/silent/missed calles/unlistened to voicemails/unread emails/unread facebook fuck all that shit, the clothes, the showering, the teeth, the lack of soap, the dentistâ€™s appointment, benâ€™s wedding, ellen and billâ€™s books/seeing them/birthday/new health/funeral? (egads you freak), the way you feel everyday, hopeless, immobile, just wanting to disintegrate into nothing, anxious when you canâ€™t, sad, all this shit you donâ€™t even wanna touch, mother fucker!!!!!), have a cigarette, play fucking anagram magic? I canâ€™t believe there are people on that forum with thousands of messages posted, a dude who logged a list of all the banned/non existent words/conundrums, I mean, who are these people, do they have lives? Presumably, maybe some not, but like many who edit wikipedia as you can see from their profiles are just very productive people, although maybe they are lonely, although maybe they are married and have children and careers too, or maybe they are single by choice, who the fuck knows, who the fuck are these functioning people, these people who probably say â€œNO! Donâ€™t DO IT, Life is ALWAYS worth living, it will get betterâ€, who are they??? Who are they!!! Even some of them are the genuinely sympathetic people, maybe some who have had depression themselves, even been suicidal in the past, WHO ARE THEY!!! And why do I not even want to meet them, or take steps to change my life, why do I feel so different from them, and in certain tiny ways, so the same????? What is this self-defeating thinking??? What is this depression, and what is me!!!! I do wanna die so bad, but not enough to take action, what is that all about!!! It feels not like hope, more like either fear (in the case of jumping over the terrace wall), or like fear/â€INACTION (THE BIG â€˜MYSTERYâ€™)â€ as far as buying supplies that are easily obtainable (or at least easy to try to obtain) like helium tanks, tubing, backs, nembutol from china, why CANâ€™T I DO ANYTHING?? WHY DONâ€™T I DO ANYTHING??? WHY CANâ€™T WONâ€™T I DO ANYTHING???????? WHAT IS MY FUCKING DEALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKING MYSTERY TO MYSELF, WHY DO I HAVE ALL THESE STRONG FEELINGS AND DONâ€™T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE AND LET THEM CRIPPLE ME AND TRY TO AVOID THEM!!!!!! WHY AM I WRITING IN ALL FUCKING CAPS, ITS STUPID STUPID STUPID!! (This song â€œjust another dayâ€ by chemical brothers is on right now, it makes me feel longing, for the past, for drugs, for girls, for my shroom trip with Jessica for some reason, oh goD!!! I wanna go back there but I hated it (except that shroom trip was amazing, I felt like a man afterwards, was on adderall at that time, stayed up all night shroomin then took it, was probably more a mess than I acknowledge, although there really was something so amazing and beautiful about it, oh I miss that trip and I miss Jessica, but real life isnâ€™t like that, fucking real life, fucking real life, fucking real life!!! FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT!!!!! Guess what, drugs also arenâ€™t enjoyable if you are a totally depressed mess, plus I donâ€™t know where to get them anyway, just like I didnâ€™t know where the fuck to get acid for years and years and years and years even though I missed it so much and was happier and wanted to do it, now Iâ€™m screwed, depressed for life, I want more transcendental experiences, oh, my autumn shroom trip with Elena, oh my lone acid trips, with stereolab here and with porno for pyros at Hampshire, the last time ever, and the ones with ben, and with Elena, the pair, where we went to FAO shwartz and I got buddy for her, and when we saw white-jacket â€œoh greyhound, greyhound?â€ girl from the greyhound bus. WTF!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE FUCKING PAST!!!! MY FUCKING LIFE!!! FEELINGS!!!!! Oh yeah was gonna say if I really did have depression my whole life, those were just other instances of me doing drugs while depressed, they were enjoyable, but clearly fucked up, but not bad trips, so could I have a good trip now?? Maybe, not likely, never know, either way, I would never want to come down and would have to if I had a good trip, that is what happened then, that is why acid destroyed me (the relatively few times I did it), shrooms destroyed me (same), weed destroyed me (constant), but really the depression destroyed me, the abuse and the depression, am I destroyed??? I love/hate being a victim, always looking for fucking ways to be a victim, conditions to identify with, so that I can â€˜give up,â€™ why? Why? Plus people are never entitled to give up, even suicidal paraplegics with fucking cancer are out there trying shit and making their lives as good as possible, why am I not one of these people that can just soldier on, try to enjoy life like these people, appreciate all that I have, use all my options, instead of only seeing fucking obstacles in the way???? Is it me??? Is it my depression???? Am I a victim??? Or am I stubborn??? What disabilities do I have?? What abilities??? What is WITH ME!!!! ARGH, the SELF-CRITICISM, THE CIRCLES!!! THE CIRCLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cig time. Stupid fuck. Course if you had adderall youâ€™d probably never stop. That wouldnâ€™t be good either. Nothingâ€™s good fucker. FuCK! Shut up!! Does this make me feel better or worse?!? A little both, like everything elseâ€¦.â€™everythingâ€™s greyâ€™â€¦FUCK EVERYTHING BEING GREY, THATâ€™S AN UGLY ASS COLOR! BLACK OR WHITE FTW!!!!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK â€˜FTWâ€™!!!!
So many damn negative thoughts in the space of about 10 minutes. WTF!! Do I want to write about them now? NO! I am going to play anagram magic! Writing is boring, anagram magic is boring! WHY ANAGRAM MAGIC
Oh great, wonderful, itâ€™s March. WTF. FML. Fuck everything. Well here I am writing again, I donâ€™t know why. Desperation maybe, for that seems to be the only reason I do anything, otherwise I am sleeping. Oh fuck it all. I donâ€™t even know if I can do this. I am getting a tiny bit of a headache. Two aspirin? Sure why not, only downside is it makes having a spontaneous heart attack a little less likely. Why can I not just have a heart attack and fucking die I hate everything I hate myself I hate life I hate existence. Is this helping? Well I guess itâ€™s marginally better than thinking it all in my head but I donâ€™t know.
Why donâ€™t I do anything I donâ€™t want to do, why donâ€™t I do anything I want to do, I am running out of tobacco again, I was a little more at ease this week, I donâ€™t know if at ease is the right word, I donâ€™t even know how to identify my fucking feelings, I think I am alexithymic, ha this stupid spelling dictionary doesnâ€™t even have that word, let me just die, die, die. Why canâ€™t I just die, die die. I donâ€™t even want to be doing this right now but I am. I canâ€™t even fucking think straight I fucking hate hate hate this. This is so stupid. I am so stupid. I suck suck suck.
Stole some of momâ€™s attivan a couple of days this week, sort of seemed to help a bit, sort of didnâ€™t. Not very descriptive, canâ€™t do any better than that. Took an online anxiety test and realized, again, I am very anxious, then heard this pitch by this guy who wanted me to shell out 66 bucks (first week is free trial) for this calm clinic program. Actually did, because tired of giving up on shit all the time, next day was terrible, regretted it, didnâ€™t want to do it, then finally did, felt a bit better, next day terrible again, because I felt I over simplified the night before, I donâ€™t know what is wrong with me, I am not even being very descriptive, I am dead inside, I hate myself, I wonder if I should have coffee, will that help, will it make me more anxious, I donâ€™t know, I hate this weird shit with anxiety and depression, fuck everything.
Guess Iâ€™m feeling super negative right now, for some reason got myself to email back that girl Katie from new york, who knows where that will go.
I donâ€™t even know, what the fuck, why am I doing this, if I canâ€™t even seem to think straight. I think I will have two fucking aspirin and go have another cigarette, then just keep farting and not showering like a stupid asshole. Why canâ€™t I make myself do good stuff. Why do I hate existence. Why is everything so eternally fucked. Stop underlining shit in green you mother fucker I am ending my goddamn questions in periods on purpose you mother fucker. It is almost time to eat some shit but what the fuck to eat and it wonâ€™t make me happy you mother fucker. Make me happy you mother fucker. I wish I could make someone read this shit you mother fucker. But it wouldnâ€™t even mean shit you mother fucker. I hate being trapped inside this stupid brain you mother fucker. This lame body you mother fucker. What the fuck is wrong with me you dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb mother fucker kill me mother fucker. Fuck. Posting this whole shit to suicide project now I donâ€™t even know why, fuck it.
….is what “many” of you are here ….
This has been my brief, but overhwelming experience. I raise my hat off to you …you’re doing well for others, but never forget to do well for yourself too ….
Resilience means to stand up to challenges, because everyone has them in life just different kinds.
If our waking day is made up of 18 hours, be careful what and where you focus the majority of your day. Do not let others poison your mind with their lesser thoughts, but also do not poison your mind (& body) with your own. You are stronger to resist then you think.
Be aware. Be consciousness. Be Strong.
Being conscious does not mean being just awake, but instead being aware of our thoughts & the effect they have on others and ourselves. Once you are strong, you will adopt the adage, sticks & bones may hurt, but your words will never hurt me.
Throught history, people have always suffered, you are not alone, and you are not unique. Thought the causes of suffering may differ.
But you have one choice to make (although you may waiver bwt the 3 ~ be positive & strong, be indiffierent & uncaring, or be negative (and not as good as you can be).
All cruelty springs from weakness.
I leave you all with this video ~ speeches can lift hearts in dark times, give people hope in despair, refine & purify the characters of men & women, inspire brave feats of intellect & action, give courage to the tired, weary & oppressed, honor people for the good they are doing or have done, and good thoughts (speeches eg Martin Luther King, JFK) can even change the course of history. It is my desire that not just some, but ALL of you reach “your potential” …with a combination of positivity & hard work.
Life isn’t easy, dont expect it be. A fav saying i have is …. “the elevator to an easy life is out of order, please take the stairs”….meaning you have to physically climb the steps of life ahead of you.
The world is not an episode of I Dream Of Jeenie, where we can just wish our world, it takes work & effort to make our/your world.
If this is long winded i apologise, “details” vs headlines usually are. I sometimes think people through no fault of their own are trained to read only headlines, see only pictures and not understand the background.
Read/cut/copy/edit whatever it is that “people” posted/commented here,…. that helped you …. and copy it somewhere for easy quick reference when you are feeling a little less then yourself. A Post-it note on your PC.. As A screensaver..etc
I’ll leave you with this (ONE OF MY FAV SPEECHES …hope you like the passion & thoughts ….
People throughout history have always struggled, but they have also conquered their challenges too 🙂
And wish you all a GENUINELY “BETTER” 2012, not perfect. just better.
For those that want to chat/discuss stuff, feel free to contact me via my email or msn (ive posted it here b4..) …is i won’t be here much if at all …. take care all… 🙂
Will you fight for “a better you” in 2012?
Resistance to ‘a lesser/poorer world’ is a timeless quality. Just as others are in their time, so you are in your time.
Life is not about winning, rather it is about participating and having a go, failing, learning and getting back up. It is about you and your relationship with yourself and with others. That is the gist of life.
We all face adverse situations not to destroy character, but grow and build it. If you are never tested in life, then how can you pass it?
Have resistance …. and goodwill in abundance…and fight.