In 1993 I committed suicide. It came after years of attempts, and it came not from a long, considered planning process but by sheer circumstance. Looking for one thing I found another. A precursor of sorts. Combined with something else at hand the deed was done. Just before losing consciousness the phone rang. Not knowing I was about to pass out I answered the phone. Then I passed out. When I woke up in an ICU the next day I was angry. So angry that I ripped out the IVs and stalked out of the unit with a gaggle of nurses trailing behind me. I […]
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Precursor
Had a few good (sort of) days. Now the depression is coming back like it always does. Suffering 2 month long dakr depression for 2 to 3 days of mild happiness? Who ever said it was worth it was a wonderful optimist. The sad part is the depression is getting worse and darker and playing with my suicide button I don’t really hide at all within myself. I dare it to push it. But no…The depression gets longer into the burning depths while the “happy†days shorten. It makes me want to go back to cutting so I can endure this predictability more easily and […]
I’ve browsed this site on numerous occasions and it is a comfort to realize that I am not the only person out there that feels like I do. I am almost 39 y o, married, I have 5 children of my own (whom I do not have custody of which is a long story) and 2 step sons. I love my kids, my husband, my family. I am not what you would call “depressed” as much as “desperate”. I am a homemaker (which is a nice way of saying I am unemployed and unemployable, again, another long story) and our family is subsisting off of […]