I can’t remember when I haven’t felt like IÂ am Â just waking up because I have to.Â If it was physically possible just to continue to sleep – I would.Â I hate facing the day.Â I drive home hurt and scared and angry every day.Â I fail as a wife, I fail at being what I feel I should at my job…I am a burden of misery to my best friend whom I ***** to every day.Â She moves to Germany soon and I know our friendship will fade away.Â Every day is the same.Â Most nights during the week I just cry myself to sleep.
PeopleÂ keep themselves at a distance.Â I fake my misery all day and give the impression that I am only tired…only if they only knew what I felt on the inside they would be shocked.Â I am in a leadership position in my organization and so far in my career I have beenÂ successful although I have no idea how.Â I feel that at any moment someone is going to find out that I am not strong, and that I am weak and pathetic and a complete farce.Â Â I work so hard, but I feel like I am failing and never can put in enough.Â 60 hours a week isn’t enough, caring about people with all I have isn’t enough.Â I am so incredibly exhausted.Â I feel like I am letting people down all around me.
I have been ugly my whole life and picked on for it…the shape of my face even bothers me now at 35 years of age.
I don’t think I could ever hurt myself because I know the pain it would cause my parents, but I know that things will never significantly improve.Â I am a hyper sensitive person with significant anxiety.Â I struggle just to get through every day.Â I am tired of feeling disconnected with everyone.Â I am tired of feeling ugly and flawed.
I am certain that I will die alone some day.Â I have no kids and no prospects of it iny futre.Â My parents are in their 60’s and not healthy.Â They are so important to me.Â I have tried to reconnect with my brother, and he could care if he never heard from me again.
I have lost hope.Â I don’t even know where to look for it.