I’ve been avoiding showers and changing clothes. Partially because I’m low functioning, but mostly because I don’t want to remember. Every time I shower or change my clothes, I have to see it. I have to see his name, etched into my flesh.
I feel sick to my stomach right now. I can’t stop thinking about it. The things he did. The things he made me do. It’s humiliating. I feel so small and hopeless. I just want to forget. Whenever I remember or think about the things that happened, my face feels heavy.
I want to crawl out of my skin, I don’t want this body. I want a new one. I want one that hasn’t been tainted with scars and abuse.
Existing is uncomfortable and scary. I’m so afraid. What if it happens again? I’m told over and over, “It won’t happen again, it won’t happen again”. Why, then? Can you tell me why it happened again all those other times before? Can you? Can you look me in the eye and explain to me why they keep finding me? I live in fear. I live in fear of the abuse finding me again. I hate it. I hate feeling like this. Why am I here? If there is a God, why? All I have to ask is why? Why? Why did you? Why did you let them find me? (note: I don’t believe in God. I never have)
I don’t want to be a puppet anymore
I want the memories to go away
I want it to go away
feb. 6th 2021 – 12:41 am
there’s more on my mind so im going to write more
it hurts it hurts it hurts I want it to stop. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want his name off of me. I want it gone. go away go away go away please just make it disappear.
it makes me feel like property. im not property. im not. but why was I treated like I am? why have I been treated like a slave? forced to essentially brand myself? why? I want to know why. why did it happen. why did he do that? why did he do any of those things? i want to know. i want to know. i feel like im suffocating. i want to be free from this. from all of it. from the things that happened for 9 years until august. i want to cry but nothing is happening. im numb but at the same time i feel everything.
feb. 6th 2021 – 2:32 am
I dont think I’ve spoken about my dissociation on here yet. I think I should. It might help.
I have an undiagnosed dissociative disorder (therapist thinks it’s OSDD, I agree with that assumption). All of my alters have been dormant except for my introject. my introject is always co-conscious, and never fronts. it is the first alter that I developed. it is very angry, hateful, and I’m scared of it. I can tell that its an amalgamation of all of the abusers ive had over the years. it says horrible things to me, things akin to what my abusers have said. my trauma holder (she holds childhood trauma & the feelings attached to it, everyone in the system has the same memories but only specific alters have the emotions linked to them) has been dormant for a while and I dont like it. its hard without her. I have to deal with the introject myself. my child alter is also dormant.