In the mood for some Hicks today…
Karla destroyed my heart, hopes, dreams & confidence so badly that I started working a song:
You told me you wanted to grow old with me,
You threw me a way like yesterday’s garbage,
You crushed my heart,
You destroyed all my dreams,
Now I cut with a knife and
it makes everything all right
You caused so much distress in my head that I can’t sleep,
Now I cut with a knife to make everything all right
I cut with a knife and it makes everything all right,
You’ve hurt me so much,
I can cut with a knife
and not feel any pain.
I’ve come to realize for one reason or another I can’t seem to kill myself. I’m beginning to question if there really is a God.
I have written a new prayer. I did borrow the beginning from an old prayer:
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
And while I sleep I pray the Lord my life and soul to take.
I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling. I think I might be addicted (?) or I like being sad. Like even when I’m happy and I’m in a good place, suddenly at the middle of the night, I try to find some reason to make myself sad and angry about myself. I like the feeling of being sad and having that sting in your chest and feeling all alone as if no one cares about me even when I know it’s not true. I don’t really like it as I love it like a hobby but there are times when I find myself doing that and I’m confused whether I really am in a better place than I was before or not.
I don’t really know how to elaborate, but if anyone knows how they can help me please do.
Thank you though, for those who do.
Much love, Andrea
Well, Friday didn’t pan out as planned. I’m going to try again some time before Wednesday. I have a question that I’m hoping someone can answer. Is it safe to use your cell phone and mp3 while using charcoal in a car? I wanted to text someone before I died and listen to music to relax me. I read somewhere that using your cellphone during this method will cause it to explode. Is that true or not?
Just ask! Come on, read these two lines out:
“Are you thinking about killing your self?”
“Are you thinking about taking your own life?”
See? That’s just how you do it. Now go. Ask him. Ask her.
People contemplating suicide want somebody to genuinely care. They want to be asked. They NEED to be asked that question. “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” What if your question could save a life?
Email: suesyd . nomore at g mail . co m
Facebook: Suesyd Nomore
I find myself telling myself I should. Tearing myself down over and over trying to find a way to. And I wish I could sob. I wish I could vomit blood until I pass out. I wish and I don’t do anything other than tell myself that the wishing itself is supposed to be important. I try to find what I once had to live for and find myself settling for attempting to recall a time I didn’t think I was going to kill myself and I can’t even do that without saying that the desire to be dead is what I irrevocably have. What is mine and myself and what I want to throw away so willingly. And I’m theoretically sickened by that because I can’t bring myself to actually feel anything about it.
I think that I don’t think there is any question of whether I’ll kill myself. I KNOW that nothingness is far preferable to emptiness.
What I can say without circles or obfuscation is that this can’t go on.
I feel silly asking this :’) but im still getting used to SP and in my notifications on here it says I have 2 pending comments? Neither of which I wrote or were written to me, can somebody explain how I get rid of the notifications please? I thought I recieved a personal message at first but I think its this pending comment thing?
What do you say to comfort someone that recently lost someone in their family?
Not just by suicide, but by all types of death. No one I know has lost someone recently, but this question has been floating around my head, and I don’t believe in coincidences.
I’ve never lost anyone, so I have no clue what to say
I’ve just started using this site so I’m not sure if anyone would know my story, but if you don’t here is the detailed you might need to understand the rest of my rant.
A year and three months ago, my lifelong best friend committed suicide. Since then, I have fallen into a multitude of bad habits, bad treatments, bad situations, bad moments, and really, just an overall bad life. All the friends I had left when she died. The only person I have right now is my boyfriend. Also, you might need to know I’m a cashier. Like I said, please excuse my rant and by no means do you have to read the garbage I create. If you do, thank you for doing so. Anywho, I’ll get on with my rant.
Please don’t ask me how I’m doing. All god damned day I will stand at my register and make simple conversation with those I check out just to make the day go faster. And every single person asks how I’m doing and every single time I respond with “I’m good!” yadda yadda. But in my head I always say “Well, I didn’t throw up this morning, I guess I’m decent” or “Well, sir or ma’am, I would just love to be dead right now.” And then, if family comes around or teachers or counselors or old friends who are bored talk to me, they always ask how I’m doing. I’m not okay!!! I haven’t been even near okay since she held a gun up to her head! Do you honestly think that a person who was so close to another that decided to blow her brains out is okay?? Tell me, are you stupid?
It has bothered me more how those around me that know my best friend died can ask such a stupid question. And to make it worse, when I say good, every single god damned one of them accept it like it’s true. And I know what you’rethinking right now. “Just tell them you’re not okay! Let out your feelings!” That is a much harder task to accomplish than percieved. If I were to tell my parents, my family that I have been trying to commit suicide, that I have turned to drugs, illegal activity, and horrible habits to handle her death, I would immediately be put in a psych ward. And maybe that’s best for me….maybe that’s where I belong. But I feel that that in itself is a contradiction. To open up to one, especially to that magnitude would require vulnerability. I would have to become vulnerable to those that ask such a silly question; and I feel those that ask that question do not want my vulnerability set on their shoulders. So, then, what is even the point of asking such a stupid question when one doesn’t care about the answer? Why does society like to put on a mask of caring and compassion when really, no one would give a shit if you were to say you were bleeding out on the inside?
Thank you strangers who ask the question to pass the time, but please, can we cut the shit and admit neither of us care about the other so there is no point to ask such a powerful question in a mediocre setting.
So after posting something on here the other day, it was pointed out to me that I can’t get out of my depression by myself and the best idea would be to get proffesional help (or a local support group but I found out there aren’t any in my area) and as much as I really want that help, I would have to bring it up to my parents and I have no idea how to… I’ve tried wording it out and writing it down but I really don’t know how to ask them… I can’t really think of another place to ask so it would be very helpful if someone else might know how to?
Well I have a question for all of us sui’s… is this helping?
I know after I ‘scream’ on here I get a slight bit of relief. Give it ten minutes and it is back again.
Well I wanted to hang myself today but it required a taller place where I need to tie the rope.
I have been asking myself this question recently… Why am I suicidal? I understood why today. Everything has gone wrong. I am more alone than I ever was. I seem to have not future. My job trains me but also makes me feel like a complete loser. I cant get any romance in my life. I litetally have nothing to live for. I was asked by that girl why dont I do something about my life, instead of moping around why dont I do something. Thr reality is everything requires money. I cant further my education because I have no money. I cant go visit my friends because they stay about a 2 hours drive away and costs me a huge sum of money to see them. Everything requires mkney which I dont have. My job pays poorly. Its easy for a person who is able to go and do a shopping spree and spend a huge amoung of money to say life is easy but for me I cant get anywhere. I havent centered myself around money though, I would love to see a society without money but sadly I cant.
I guess maybe I am stupid. I guess I am not the most handsome guy out there. I guess I am scum. I dont have a place in this world.
Im going to try and sleep this off but if I cant its over.
I haven’t really believed in anything for a number of years now. I’ve heard people say that faith is the antidote to fear. One or two friends have suggested that maybe if I had some spirituality in my life, I wouldn’t feel so hopeless and afraid of life all the time. But faith has been kind of anathema to me. Belief in something just seems to set me up for bitter disappointment when I realize it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
I certainly don’t believe in myself, at least not when I’m in society. Some people can believe in the goodness of humanity, which I don’t understand at all given how much war and hate and oppression happens in the world every day. And then of course there are those who believe in a transcendent reality, i.e. God. That’s not me either. I don’t know if it’s the dogma that turns me off, or the rituals that often seem pointless, or just the fact that I tend to overanalyze and question everything. For instance there is the whole question of how a benevolent all-powerful God can allow natural disasters and epidemic diseases to happen. And so on.
OK, so, I’m not trying to, or planning to leap from one frying pan to another.
That said, part of my plan is to put a camping trailer in the woods. I already have said woods. Not an extraordinary trailer, just something around a 30 foot. Whatever I can find and negotiate on. It’s a roof, it’s cheap.
So my question, am I sealing my fate to be alone? Ladies, if you met a dude who lived in a camper, would it be an instant put off?
How long has it been since my last post. I have no idea. Maybe five days. I last posted that I was going to post my suicide note after that one. Well the good news is I wont be for a little while. I went away for a weekend to see ny friends and I was a little bit better afterwards. No thoughts of suicide. I was a bit happy.
The bad news is that it has come full force again. I have one question.
Im not one for swearing but Fuck. Why the hell do I have to be in so much despair every single second if every day.
My favorite band bmth has an amazing song which best describes it. It called ‘seen it all before ‘
is anyone else fascinated by death? I know it’s odd but I’ve never really been afraid of death. I mean, if someone swung a club at my head I’d duck on instinct, but when I think about death I’m just really curious. I would want to avoid pain and obviously there would be consequences, but I’m still fascinated. I’d love to see if I could make a good plan and carry it out effectively, I’d love to experience how it happens, I’d love to know if there’s an afterlife and what it’s like, or if there’s just nothing and I stop existing (not that I’d be aware to realize that, but still). I wouldn’t mind not being conscious of anything- after all how can I regret my death if I can’t think anymore?
on my worst days for the past year or so, I’ve actually wanted to kill myself because I honestly don’t deserve to live, but I’ve had this morbid curiosity for as long as I can remember. sometimes it seems like I was never really meant to survive anyway.
in other news, not that anyone really cares, my materials for suicide arrived today and I have a pretty specific plan of what time of day and how precisely I’d kill myself. all that’s left now is to decide specifically when, which could be anywhere from a month from now to a year from now. unless I somehow stop being this way, which I doubt considering it’s been a year.
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