I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like an idiot but I’m honestly hanging by a thread and at this point I’m just looking for some sign that this isn’t all pointless and that I’m actually going to be okay. Everybody has told me it’ll get better for years. It’s only gotten worse and worse so I feel desperate and stupid. I hate depression. I’m so tired of being in pain every day from something I can’t even control. It physically hurts my heart at this point, it’s so powerful. I just want it to stop. What’s the point in any of this? […]
Tag:
Rambling
I killed a spider today, which makes me arachni-cidal.
If I don’t hurry up and get an oil change for my car pretty soon, I will also be automoti-cidal.
Ever have the vague feeling that someone has been fooling you and lying to you about something and manipulating you all this time, and you’re only now starting to realize the magnitude of it all? Yeah. Me too.
My double vision is getting worse, and when I drove home from symphony rehearsal Tuesday night, I could see two of every sign, and two white lines at the side of the road. At my last medical appointment, I explained this, […]
I don’t know how to go on anymore. I don’t know who I am without the context of someone else. When I’m alone, I hate myself. I don’t want to live feeling this way. I don’t want to be an angry person and I don’t want to hurt other people. It’s the reason why I want to die and the reason why I live. I hate the contradiction. I’m constantly hoping, dreaming that the choice will be taken out of my hands (e.g. hit by a semi, shot in a drive-by, mugged and killed in the street, etc.) because I don’t know what to do.
I’m […]
Every night I feel like disappearing. I have complete means and method to achieve this. However, I made a promise to someone who know hates me. I don’t really think of committing suicide anymore, but every night I just want to disappear. This really just sucks. I am trying to coupe with it as best as I can. Every night I just want to disappear and everyday I wake up with tears. I don’t even know what I dreamed about.
I am pushing forward, but my mind is holding me back. I don’t think negatively of myself anymore. I feel like I turned out pretty well […]
Why is it so hard for me. I can’t find happiness in anything. I don’t think I could ever be happy. I hold on to things that I shouldn’t and if I find something that makes me happy, my mind reminds why I shouldn’t be happy. That voice that takes anything positive and turns into a negative. When I was younger I would pray to god and tell him to please please kill me in my sleep. I don’t think I could ever be happy. I used to tell myself “next year will be better,” I’ve said that for 5 years. I don’t think my […]