Don’t waste your time reading this post, unless you have the time and/or actually want to waste it. I’m writing this because sometimes I just need to let it all out. So the first thing I wanted to go on about is people. This is all in accordance to me and my bitching about everything and my opinions and feelings from personal or non-personal experiences. So, I shall shut up and begin now. Sometimes, I fucking hate people. Sometimes they suck. Not always, I’ve known some that have had a few not too sucky moments, but for the most part.. For me, people always leave me. Everyone leaves and sometimes I know why sometimes I don’t. But 9 out of 10 if I care about them (and god only knows how much I care about everything) and/or we had a good relationship going, it hurts when they leave. I can name so many people off the top of my head that have left, boyfriends, friends, people I used to know. Sometimes I leave but only for good reasons, I will never be someone to just stop talking to someone all together without at least talking to them, but everyone leaves me. And if any of those people ever read this. I’m sorry for whatever I did, I’m sorry you don’t need me in your life anymore. I just need to settle that because I hold onto things until I don’t feel I need to and it makes me mental sometimes. The second thing I wanted to address is something very important to me, and that is my suicide. I have this preconceived notion, if that’s the right word, that my suicide is going to go perfectly and just as planned and I will be glad I’m doing it and I’ll die where and how I want without too big a mess and all this stuff, but I have this huge fear of regretting it at the last minute or forgetting to add something in my note or something failing or not going right, and that scares the shit out of me because my death is the one big thing I get to chose in this world and this life, it’s the one thing I can make perfect for me, and call that selfish, but my suicide is partly for me to be happy finally and for me to end this how I want to end this. Obviously I don’t know what’s after death, but I’m hopeful and faithful and believe that whatever the case I will be happy, and I believe this for everyone that is in enough pain to end their lives short, that they will be happy, even those who don’t kill themselves, because I am just that kind of person. I’m not one to pray but I pray that it goes as planned. Next thing, when I’m not breaking down or my anxiety isn’t at an epitome or my depression isn’t dragging me down I get the most extreme bouts of nostalgia like you would not believe. Sometimes I miss a memory or moment or time period so much that I will cry over it. Because under all of the pain I am feeling now and the anger and frustration and hatred and bullshit I love everything. I like what I like but I love everything. And I cherish certain things so much, one of my worst fears is growing old and getting Alzheimer’s, because I know that these memories that I look back on so often are something that have been keeping me alive. But I know that they can’t keep me alive forever. I just think back to when I was little girl and didn’t have severe depression or anxiety or suicidal thoughts and was just carefree and naive and happy, or last year, when I was with my friends, and was pretty happy sometimes and actually had people that I believe loved and cared about me, and I miss it so much and crave it and want it back because those were things that made me happy, and I want that back. I have so many stories I would love to tell on YouTube, I always wanted to make a channel and just tell all of my stories and rant about everything and let it all out there but I could never do that due to various reasons. But that’s all for now, I figure I’ll do more of these when I need to let it all out next, but if you read this, you’re great, thanks,until next time, you’re lovely and stay alive so you can stay that way. Love from Hailee.
what my math teacher wrote on my math test, which I got back today with about a 70%. a couple days ago I got a 52% on an english quiz I didn’t know we were having for the reading I forgot was assigned. he’s right, of course, because I usually pay attention pretty well no matter how wrecked my mental state is. he is right because I can do so much better. I have had straight A’s all year, but this term I’m just hoping against hope to pass. it’s not even that I am doing that much worse than I have been, it’s just that my ability to feign the ability to function as a human ought to has an expiration date (something similar happened last spring as well). I should be doing so much better than this but instead I just continue to let myself get worse.
in other news, my therapist thinks I should look into medication this fall. I’m ambivalent. everything I’ve seen here seems to point toward medication being useless at best, and doing more harm than good at worst, but then I guess that the people whose medication worked wouldn’t be on a suicide forum. if anyone’s still reading to this point, could you let me know if this might be a good idea? also, should I tell her that I’m suicidal? originally I was a definite no on that but now that she’s told my mother I’m depressed and cutting, I’m not sure how much more damage could be done. I know it’s so weak, but it’s so goddamn hard to have to drag myself through every tiny thing that should be easy, and then have people wonder why I don’t try and am so useless. the weak, ugly, childish part of me wants to be coddled somehow. but then maybe she wouldn’t and would just be disappointed in me for it, since disappointment is the only reaction I can elicit from anyone anymore. (again, if anyone is reading, can you advise as to whether I should tell her? I would appreciate any advice.)
I’m sorry about how whiny this is.
I’m writing this post to challenge you guys. There’s a lot of sad and hopeless posts as of recent and I am writing tonight in attempts to help. I feel like I can actually see past the dreary cloudy day today and you might just be reading this thinking, well good for you but I don’t. That’s why I want to challenge you to think of one good moment today or recently. Think about how you felt in that moment and if you want share it in the comments. For me, I’m happy because I made really good healthy food choices today while grocery shopping, lots of fruits and vegetables and a big tub of yogurt. I know I need good food to give me the best possible nutrition for my mind and body. I am thankful that I have the means to do so, the hard part is preparing it all. It’s so much easier to buy frozen pizzas and easy open the box and cook it stuff but I always feel so much better when I eat well.
I’m thankful for my ability to take care of myself today. I hope whoever takes the time to read this can find something good in their life to reflect on and cherish that moment. I am not trying to preach by any means, rather trying to inspire. Take care of yourself because nobody else will do it for you. You are in charge of your own destiny. You have a choice in this. Depression can be overwhelming, I know. It can be overcome. Meditate, pray, whatever you do to find peace. It’s out there. I hope this helped someone in some way. Don’t give up on this world, tomorrow’s a new day.
So… I’ve been made an offer.
My aunt and uncle who live in Illinois called tonight and mom was telling them about college and stuff down here (I’m in Georgia.) My aunt, who is in college to be a nurse, told us about the college up there… and honestly, it sounds so much better than the one I am currently in.
Well, they offered to let me live with them and even offered to help me with getting grants and paying for things and all of that as long as I stay in college. Wow, is honestly all I can think. I was talking to my mom about a university up north in her home town that I wanted to go to, it’s not far from where my aunt and uncle live. Now, here’s the question… Should I do it?
On one hand, I could be in a new place. Meet new people and start a life all my own. No one up there knows my older siblings, I’m not expected to follow in anyone’s footsteps. I could finally be myself.
On the other… I’ve never been that far from my parents for so long. I’ve went all over the US, even to Canada, for a couple months before. But to a completely different state for gods know how long? It makes me kind of scared. Then there is also the fact of my three best (and only) friends down here… What would they think? I’d be leaving them…
I really want to start again, I wanna see new things… but I don’t wanna disappoint anyone either…
Anyways… To the people reading this.
Thank you for taking your time to read what is on my mind. I wish you all the best on your journey through this life… and as always, I’m here to listen if you ever need me. I love you, strangers.
Hey cordless, I was reading some of the previous post and seen the one you did about your claw ring and had to say that it is a very cool ring, I had a close bro give me the exact same ring about 20 years ago, this one was made out of brass ( of all things ) the funny thing is that I still have it all this time later. When I read your post and seen the ring I looked for mine and found it, along with some other stuff I have forgotten about. Thanks bringing back some really cool memories. 🙂 🙂 🙂
Weekends are the worst, I use to come home and cry, now i just lay in the bed and the strangest part is my mind is blank, no thoughts, my eyes open and i just lay here while the world goes about itself, im becoming numb, lonelieness in all honesty the worst feeling in the entire only, its similar too that of losing someone or something you love, its a feeling of utter hoplessness, im scared to death i may never be happy again, i’ll never meet someone who loves me, i’ll never have a normal social life,
I went to the mall today like always in hopes of meeting someone to hang out with, eventually i always end up leaving i can only be surround by people for a little bit before i realize im going home alone again and at that point my mood changes from optimistic to hopeless, i dont have a social cricle of guys and girls where i can meet people, im a good looking, in my late 20s, im in good shape, i make sure to dress nice, im always shaved and smell nice, yet here i am, i have a job, yet i spend majority of my time alone, i work nights and even at work im alone but thats just because thats kind of work it is, work alone, free time alone, only interaction i have is when my mom wants something, i have no one to share interests with, no one to vent too, no to send me text to say hi, the pleasurable parts of my brain rarely get stimulated, its been like this a full year now, only reason i look forward too tommorow is that it may all change, maybe id meet that person who can save me from myself, but the day always ends the same, nothing changes, i never find that person or group of people, ive lost interest in entertaining myself, i use to read, watch movies, play video, but what for!! Im going through life fucken alone!
Before being alone for this entire year i was with someone for 3 years, that did work out no ones fault it just wasnt meant to be, before I had her I was alone for 3 years which i did not mind, i had real hope then, i was still young that things would get better, before those 3 years i was with someone who i thought was my BBF, I had her for 7 years, someone who over the course of 1 year become someone else and by the end the person I had met 7 years earlier was gone, i dont know who dumped me but it wasnt the girl i met.
The last 365 days ive thought a lot about the past 10 years, im coming to the conclusion that i’ll probobly never be happy, what bothers me the most is that i know what that feels like, i crave it so much every single day, the next time someone says i love you to me i’ll probobly start crying. Im scared as hell i might not be able to rid myself of the state of mind im currently in, it’ll definitly be the end of me if i cant.
Im so damaged by my family and all this isolation that id probobly fuck up any chance at happieness id get.
Im suffering from sever depression, sucidal thoughts, anxiety all the time, chances of meeting someone who would understand and accept in todays society are next to nill, people are so shallow and materialistic.
Hey everyone, new and old SP members. I know its hard for you guys right now. But do me a favor and keep fighting. Im fighting too.
I’ve recently been into reading much more than I usually am. There’s this author, Paulo Coelho who seems to understand everything its crazy and be able to express exactly what i think and feel in his work. I don’t know what your situations are, but I really want you guys to consider no read these books. Im not saying they will change your life immediately. but they will definitely have you thinking, and acknowledging and growing.
I know a lot of you are probably in a dark place right now and the last thing you want to hear is my book suggestion. but while you’re holding on for dear life. Take the time to read something for me, for you.
The books are: The Alchemist, and Veronica Decides to Die. I can’t promise an immediate change of heart and mind. But I promise you will learn something and feel understood. Finally.
Just try. For me. For you. For whatever is still keeping you here, breathing.
Thank you for reading. Much love.
I just found an article about a 13 years old boy that died close to where I live. The article was sketchy and seemed to be leaving too much out but had no trouble describing the boys mother holding his life less body rocking back and forth in the ditch. At first I thought maybe he got hit by a car….but the article would have just said that, why leave that out? I thought more on it, the kid killed himself. I found another article that confirmed it. The whole article was deeply disturbing as it described how the kids on the school bus saw the scene. It reminded me of a close friend who took his life in a violent fit of rage 7 years ago. In his driveway. I drove past the house to and from work and thought of it every single time. Now I’m back in it…. from reading an article.
I hope this to be my last post ever on this website. For me, things did not get better. I know now that they will not get better. Anytime something good ever happens to me, it gets taken away from me. It is always a matter of time before something knocks my happiness off course. I hope tomorrow I can end my life. I pray for it. My parents will be working and it my perfect chance to end it all. Maybe sometime this week. Even though things did not get better for me, it may get better for whomever is reading this. Stay strong. Keep fighting. Love yourself because you are all you have in this world. Hopefully this is goodbye to everyone forever.
I didnt wake up feeling so down about the fact theres another day ahead of me, in fact the first thing I did when I woke up was think of you lot and see what new things you’ve posted! I know im only new and haven’t interacted with many of you but I want to let you all know the impact you’ve all had on me, to see we’re not alone and how kind hearted we all are to go out of our way to support one another. No one makes us listen or read what we have to say, we do it because we’re generally interested and care about each others stories. I’ve seen that by reading through past posts and comments. I may not be cured from my depression but I’ve certainly improved over the past day and I’ve got hope things can get better, for all of us! I dont know if its night or day time for people reading this but whatever the time, before you continue doing whatever it is your doing, I hope I made you smile too! Because of you being you, someone possibly on the other side of the world will be getting on with their day then suddenly stop and smile, remembering the feeling of love and support you gave them just by being there 🙂 or maybe you just said something to make them laugh! Try to stay strong and keep a smile on your face even if its false, eventually it’ll be genuine! Much love SP x
I keep thinking about what I might’ve done in my past to deserve a life like this, and I realized that I screwed up alot, nothing really intentionally. So by my account I should be even with the house, debt paid in full. It seems that not the case, so now I’m beginning to wonder if this is just the hand I’ve been dealt and I just gotta play it out ??? Like I said, I’m no angel but as an adult I’ve grown and always tried to learn from my mistakes, I try to help, and give, to live right. I’ve always stayed faithful, and to an extent I still am. I keep going back to the BIBLE and to the book of JOB. and wonder where my rewards might be ??? I know I can’t be alone in feeling this way. Again being here and reading everybody’s post has opened my eyes to alot of things, One of them and the most important thing, I’m not alone in this, there’s so many people that are dealing with the same things, and as heartbreaking as that is, it’s even more heartwarming to see a family that have never met each other, be there for each other, and I have to say thank you, maybe this is part of my rewards.
I am a person who needs a lot of guidece.
I’m reading a book by Gandhi.
I’m reading a red letter edition of the NIV Bible.
I’m keeping a journal and I write whatever comes to my mind and tear out what I don’t like.
I often just nod or shake my head when I’m asked a question.
I can’t come up with a reason to go through the struggle again. I haven’t had an intimate relationship in more than 5 years.
I was married for 20 years, but she wanted to start over by herself.
I have a 20 year old daughter who only messages me when I send her money. She doesn’t answer her phone, and doesn’t reply to texts… Unless there was money involved.
I just got laid off from my job. I’m too old to start over. I’ve done it too many times. What for? To see who wins the election? That doesn’t matter… To see the next movie or show? What is the difference…
I’ve been isolated for about 5 years now. I still love my ex-wife and daughter, but they do not have love for me.
Things deteriorated in 2008, when my father died from cancer. Watching him die was traumatic. He was a good man. The best. After he died he was accused of wrongs he did not commit and I was alone in defending his honor. At that time I split from my family of birth. I’ve been in a depression since that time.
I’ve come to know that the only thing that makes life whole is to be loved, to be touched, to be cared for. I have none of that, and haven’t for so long now that I wouldn’t know how to do it again.
I haven’t set a mental date yet, but I am sure that I will do so. Probably as my money runs out. I’m not moving again, I’m not selling everything I have. I worked hard to regroup after the divorce. I’m too old and too tired to do that again.
If you are reading this, I hope you can find a reason for continuing. I’ve lost the fear of death. 150,000 people die every day. I’m sure whatever is next will show itself. Maybe nothing. Nothing would mean no more stress. Nothing sounds good.
you know when you already know that your life is going to end prematurely not sure when but you know deep down it will happen sooner or later because life isn’t for you and you have no plans for life either and your drifting though each day and it’s getting harder and harder to bare and you sit there thinking why didn’t my first attempts work and since then your trying to find a more successful method but it’s hard to choose which way you would like to go out hoping u find the courage to go though with it
when I was a teen I heard a saying -dying must be easy because life is hard
and it stuck with me but dying isn’t easy either
I envy the people who die from accidents like take an extra headache tablet and pass away in their sleep and you try on purpose and live wake up in hospital pale as fuck on a drip and confused then get sent home and have to act like it never happened
sorry for the rant thanks for reading
So it’s been a while since I’ve commented or posted on here. Before I found SP I felt worthless, purposeless and like a failure. I’ve failed at everything I’ve attempted in my life, but when it came to being there for you guys I felt like I meant something. Like I could actually help people like me. However, when those thoughts start to whirl around in my mind every negative, demonic energy creeps up and tells me why I’ll never be worth it and while I’ll never make a difference. I’ve always felt as if I was in search of something, something fulfilling. I’m not sure if it’s love, success, attention or God.
I just know I’m tired of feeling empty. I’m so tired of being depressed. I’m tired of fighting myself. I’m tired of letting other people tell me how I should feel. I’m tired of letting people tell me that there is something wrong with me and believing it. The past week has been the worst out of the past 2 years. You guys I have NO LIFE. No friends. No job. NOTHING. I sit in my house everyday. Most of the time for 2 weeks straight. You are blessed if you get to interact with other humans no matter how much they suck. I swear I feel like I’m losing my damn mind. I don’t want this. All I wanted to do this past week is die. I just wanted everything to end. I was just so tired of being a disappointment to myself and everyone around me. See, I love music and when I was a little girl it was all I wanted to pursue. As I’ve gotten older I gave up. There are a plethora of reasons why : my insecurities, guilt, fear, and the pedestal music culture has created for people with certain sounds. I gave up. I know it sounds cheesy and pathetic but I gave up. And no matter how good I want to feel about helping people (which I really do, I love you guys and I’m praying for you all) all of my dreams that I gave up on are haunting me.
It’s like I think people are thinking a certain way about me, and are feeling a certain way about me, when its just me… I’m making all of this shit up in my head. I’m the reason I’m not doing it and for the past week I just couldn’t understand why in the hell can’t I get out of my own way. I’ve calmed down and I actually read this article where this guy says “Don’t make any major life decisions until you calm down, drink some water and get a good nights rest”. If he was anywhere near me at the time of reading that I would’ve knocked him the hell out. I was so angry. So miserable.
You ever feel so much pain that you get sick, literally sick and tired? I’m sooo tired of feeling like this. Not I’m gonna kill myself tired. I’m “I’ve hit rock bottom and this depression has to go” tired. I hope you guys don’t think I’m talking like my life is so easy, because it’s not and it has never been. I’ve dealt with situations from being molested as a child, having my first suicide attempt at 8 years old and being constantly reminded of my failures (by family members). Just remember sometimes people suck, but if you need me I’ve got your back and I’m praying that an army of angels comes to battle every demonic energy draining you of hope and happiness. I know this is long I’m sorry.
THANK YOU FOR READING THIS!!!
I’ve been reading this site for a few weeks but this is my first post. In a lot of ways, I wish I could go back to when I was little, when I spent most of my time alone in my room reading or solving number puzzles or making up stories. Before there was any pressure to socialize or compromise endlessly or impress others in general.
I spent most of my childhood blocking out my emotions. Criticism and rejection have always been very, very painful. It often feels like I’m walking around in a shooting video game except everyone else has armor or shields and I don’t. Stuff that just bounces off other people is enough to severely hurt me.
At the same time, I want to have meaning and purpose in my life. I want to accomplish something. I realized a long time ago I wasn’t going to be a widely renowned mathematician or scientist or something, and the problem is, anything else I might consider a meaningful accomplishment seems to involve connecting with people or working in groups. Two things I’ve always been pretty terrible at. In my early 20’s when I still had some optimism I tried a few times to overcome those limitations, but inevitably ran into politics or difficult group environments that made every day a stress-filled mess and completely wiped out my motivation.
So here I am, stuck in a bad place, but basically certain that if I take a step toward pursuing anything I want I will just get clobbered by other people. I could also take the path of least resistance, get a solitary but boring job in accounting or something and just keep to myself and my hobbies. But I know 10 years down the road I’ll regret that too. So I just don’t see the point.
I finally joined after a few days of reading what people have written, which isn’t much different from what I want to say. I have had thoughts of suicide, I’ve actually been very close to committing suicide, I stopped myself from that one time, I held a knife that was digging into my neck. The only reason why i stopped was because of the effects on my family. I think of suicide everyday now, it’s becoming worse. Now i cut my wrists. I sit in my room alone and I cut myself, every cut I would make I would have tears in my eyes, and a smile on my face. I find it funny, every time I make a cut, I don’t know why I just do.
12 hours left.
I managed to shower and get ready for my test. I put make up on. I did my hair. Im wearing normal clothes. This is a big accomplishment for me today. For everyone reading and replying, thank you. Im sorry that I will be posting a lot. Like I said. Im a book. This is my final chapter. And I want it to be rememberable.
I thank creater for helping me to post what I feel, who are here also people same as me. Who went, running through lowest points. I appreciate your comments for my older posts. But after one year I can’t exactly tell I’m fine. I surely need your help till my death. Thanks for reading.