Well, the long awaited Christmas break started Friday and I dont feel any better. My hopes were that with 1o days off from school that i could pull myself together and maybe actually be happy again. I was wrong, of course. Dont get me wrong, Christmas Eve and Christmas were pretty great- probably the only happy days ill have for awhile. Ive basically been hounded by my family about school and grades (the cause of my depression relapse and suicidal thoughts) the entire break. My mom is putting pressure on me to do well so i can get into med school like i want and […]
This past month ive had a relapse of depression. I was depressed as a kid (age 7-10) and now I’m depressed again (age 15). The reason for my relapse is frustration and stress at school with grades and such. It has escalated so quickly. I think of suicide most of the time. Today at school when i was walking in the hall i saw a sign out of the corner of my eye and one of the words read “Suicide” and did a double take and the word was gone. I guess i hallucinated. Anyway, i was never diagnosed with depression and i want to […]
I’m stuck. I feel like I can’t get better and this inability to move past my trauma is limiting my ability to live my life the way I want too. I try. I can go months without hurting myself and then something that is seemingly random breaks my illusion of healthiness and I fall backwards on my ass to the depths of despair. I can’t seem to forgive myself for shit that has gone wrong…and the more I try to examine my issues I feel the higher the chance of relapse. I don’t have a support system which is […]
It’s hailing.
My parents left, they took my little brother again.
Last night I relapsed and my left thigh looks like plaid.
I’m scared.
I can’t not talk to anyone. But, no one really knows me here…
two weeks ago, 10/04.. My dad and I got in a fight about me getting glasses…
He got mad because I should have gotten them when everybody else in the family did. When I pointed out the fact that he bragged about his 20/20 vision for years, and yet he JUST got glasses in June. He hit me.. twice. When I tried to runaway he chased me then shoved me…. I filed a DCFS […]
Not to say I wasn’t clean for a year and that’s not something I am proud of …
But I have NO IDEA what came over me…
I loved the metal. I missed it so much, I didn’t even cry. I’m not suicidal… I just want to cut.
But I’m  scared that I’ll get worse again… I don’t want to get worse again… I don’t want to be in my head again.
I don’t want to be that girl again.
The caving sinking feeling,is back. its back and i cant handle it anymore. they were supposed to get better. they were supposed to be looking up…but im falling back down again, back into the darkness, back into the misery that never ends. And now its back…its like a relapse….and i know this time theres no coming out. i know this time its it. i know this time i wont fail.
I realize in two days from now.Its going to be as scary as hell for me.Carrying around a box cutter is going to be scary as hell.Even if you intend to only harm yourself.Authorities get involved and its not pretty cause cops dont know how to handle the mentally ill.They do that thing were they twist your arm behind your back.It hurts cause you think your arm might break off.
My hope is that i dont get shot cause there will probably be police since they dont know how to mind there own business.
The thing is i just cant please […]
i can’t write anymore. I don’t even have it in me to write poetry. I’m inches from another relapse and the only thing stopping me was the poems. I’ve got no more inspiration. I’m so low I can’t even express it. I want to go back. To cutting. To drugs. To cigarettes. To not giving a fuck about anything. Because this forcing myself to care about life is draining me. Maybe another attempt will set me straight. Maybe if I can just solidify my depression, I’ll never have to be happy again. I’m sure I’ve got more than enough razors and pills. Maybe I’ll drop […]
It’s been a while since I’ve been on here; I don’t know if any of the people I used to look for are still here. I have a story to tell you guys, cause it needs to be told and I can’t afford to be held accountable for it telling someone I know.
Last time I was frequenting Sp, I was living in a halfway house and coming up on 6months sober. I met a woman named C on this site who was living in the UK and planning a trip to the US, “going west†as it were to Las Vegas to go […]
Older Posts