Runaway Train

I am really losing it.  I am researching suicide all day and all night and I can’t stop thinking about it.  It takes all my strength just not to cut and more so not to kill myself or try.  I would check myself into a hospital, but I have already been 5 times.  Plus I am in the middle of school.  I would lose a semester, for the third time.  I just don’t know what to do with myself because I feel like the longer I tough it out, the closer I come to ending it.  I wish I could stop this runaway train.