Well this is basically an update of how i’ve been and where i’m at in life. I have turned 15 and my depression is eh more or less better, it isn’t as constant as before and now it’s more of a few days a week or so. My mother has found out i self-harmed and has told my doctor which created a huge shit storm that included me talking to a social worker and seeingÂ a psychologist. Well i saw this psychologist and it was not what i thought it would be. She was very nice and fairly young and iÂ went once a week for 3 weeks until i finally just stopped. I didn’t do anything with her and the visits did not help me at all, all we did in this smallroom was play board games in an awkward silence. My next doctor’s appointment is on March 1st. I have been self harming since i was 13 starting off with the “cutting” or “scratching” on my left wrist with a safety pin. Ofcourse as more time passedÂ things got “worse” i started “cutting” more and more and forÂ absolutely no reason. IÂ became an addict. IÂ started cutting higher up my arm and in every which direction that i can and the cut’s got deeper. After the second time my mother saw them she threatened me by saying if she saw another cut on my arm that iÂ wouldn’t be able toÂ see my girlfriend. So i used other ways to self-harm i recently got into using hot wax and dragging it along my wristsÂ or applying a hot lighter on my arm.Â Other then that eh it’s cool over on my side. HowÂ is everybody else doing?
The first time that i self-harmed i was 13 and i used a safety pin since it was the only sharp object i had at the time,actually i still use a safety pin,idk something about it is just so much more convenient for me.Now i was wondering about other people’s self-harm stories,like When did you start and why,kind of stuff? Idk im just curious is all ^.^
I write a lot of poetry that comes from within when I can no longer express myself clearly. It can be what I’m doing at the moment or what’s pulsing inside. It must get out. I used to draw by hand and every blue moon I will draw one thing. But my art is not what it used to be. I am not what I used to be.
My drawing as a kid at in school got me in trouble. I did it during class when what I was learning didn’t interest me. Teachers would take my notebook, or scold me. One kept my notebook and I never got it back. I tried to smash my drawing hand on things to stop it from being creative. I used my fist, or a book, or I step on it. That hand would not stop.
When I reached high school the teasing started. I drew dark creatures, or nude models from my own mind and I’d get scolded again and teachers had to complain and my parents chimed in. I vowed to stop. drawing was my addiction, but it wouldn’t. I safety pinned my hand. running the pin through the top skin and ripping it out until I couldn’t find a calloused path. I wasnt trying to bleed. Just hurt the hand that didn’t know how to stop. /the pain was enough to cause my hand to tremble and to keep it from drawing for a day. Cold water stung and warm water soothed. I did this only 3 times. that one high school year. I stopped. Not because I wanted to, but because I wasnt going to use any safety pin except the one from the dry cleaners. And we hadnt gone in a while.
10-12th year my art started to struggle. No new ideas and my hand would tremble when I picked up an ink pen. Nothing would seep through my fingertips the way it needed. Soon I turned to poetry. Something I refused to do for awhile because no one could appreciate the complexity of it. Hand drawn art you had to use your own mind and find the story. Poetry in a way is too plain as day at times. Sadly now it’s all I really have.
A tired hand that has seen hell and for now seems to work. I type what I feel, because the other is nearly lost. Oh abstracts have been stronger, but other things seem to weak. animals, trees always week. And the eyes…the eyes still survived my trials. That’s all I can keep now is eyes and abstracts. ‘The eyes see all, and the abstract around it tries to keep the eye from itself.
I’m tired now. So I need to fade back and rest.