Well after years of social isolation suicidal depression and stress the chickens are finally coming home to roost. I no longer have the will to live and spend half the day in bed. I am on antipsychotic medication and am due a hospital assessment to determine whether I need hospitalizing. As a loser and social misfit I need a miracle to get out of this trap. Suicide is of course so final and hard to face but I feel is my only option as my life has become sheer agony. My only tears are for those I’ll leave behind. No one can help me, no one can save me. This is it for me. What a staggeringly cruel world this is, an evil lottery that randomly awards luck and crucifies the unlucky.
My story might not be important to most,but I’m writing this because I wanted to.I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder & Social Anxiety disorder for about 5 years now.Been hospitalized 2 times for suicidal ideation ,but as you can tell those weren’t really effective in helping me.Nearing Graduation now,I’m not really excited looking forward my future & such.I actually see my death kinda relatively close now that I think about it.Either it’s the nihilistic apathy that is slowly killing me or the reality check that is the real world.
For me,I’m naturally a cynical,misanthropic,and pessimistic person.That itself does contradict with my personality type which is ISFJ ironically.Ultimately I feel that my life is an inconvenience to my family & friends often pushing many who care deeply for my existence.I mean who wants to deal with that hassle of a person,always bringing you down.I just don’t understand why they’re so persistent in trying to save me.Death always happens,what makes it so different?
I know without a doubt that I’m going to die by my own hands,but I’m alright with that actually.I’ve always been accepting of death,it’s something we really can’t do much about it.Once it comes,it takes everything away.My thoughts,memories, emotions,& this shattered heart…gone.
*I was a bit tired writing this,so I didn’t put everything I wanted on here.It won’t matter though*
You know I can’t do this on my own Who will fix me now ? Dive in when I’m down save me from my self don’t let me drown
I hate April.
Someone please, beat me till I’m numb. Strangle me… Fucking shatter every bone in my body…
I can feel the pain. The memories flooding my head all at once. I overthink things but this is too much. My thoughts are racing. It feels like last year… Last year’s events are slowly playing out in my head…
I still remember what happened on each day of April. From the first till the 30th. I fucking hate this.
Someone please save me from myself!!!
What does it take to be ‘normal’? What is it like? How do you process things? What is it like to be happy?
I used to go by the quote,
“Love yourself and the rest will fall into place.”
That kept me going off and on for years. That’s why I got it tattooed on me.
Now I can’t even concept how to love myself. The usual;
I have a big heart.
What ever. I still tell myself a few things. No matter how much I tell myself, I never seem to let myself believe in those things anymore.
What is this? What am I? Who am I? What have I become?
Nothing, a nobody with not much. A suicidal maniac. With the hope that I get shot in the back of the head some day during a robery or something. Save me the trouble will you? A black hole, not even light can escape. An abyss. My mind is my troubles. Sucking in everything like a tornado. And I mean everything. Once it’s entered my mind, something destroys it. Spitting it back up. Let me tell you that it is not pretty.
I hate myself so much.
Tonight I have tunnel vision again, it’s been a while. I hate it.
I’m losing my mind. Pretty soon I’ll be ready to shut down. And if I reboot, it’s never pretty. After each reboot I lose a piece of me.
I wish I could see a percentage bar, to be able to tell how much longer until I finally crack.
Holy fuck, where to start.
Today was weird. I just kind of went with it. I didn’t imagine that anything like today would happen ever again. You’re so much different than the last time. Each time I see you, you change a little bi more. You’re, different.
I can feel the positivity burst from you. Holy shit, overwhelming. We barely spoke but It wasn’t needed. We caught up with each other today. I hope that I don’t affect anything for you again. But I can’t promise something that I don’t know if I can keep.
You look a lot better than before, healthier. You present yourself totally different. But you’re still the same person I knew. I’m happy for you. I’m glad you’re happyier.
As for me Jordan, nothing has changed, only worse over time. I’m more dedtructive than ever. It’s become a second instinct, natural, now. I’m not happy and I’m sure you could see that. But what’s new?
Sitting next to you was like a bad dream. Icouldn’t grasp it today that you were there. Were you there? Or was it just my imagination? Was I dreaming again?
Remember how I struggle with reality Jordan? How I don’t know the difference between life and death? Am I alive or in Hell? I can’t tell. I still struggle with this every day. Nothing has changed, everything stayed the same.
Jordan, every single day almost has been a struggle. It’s getting worse. I’m scared. Feeling like there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it, or anything. I’m trapped in a steel box. I’m slipping Jordan, I have been for a long time.
I’m glad I got to see you again, even if it abruptly stops over time. Or even tomorrow. I would be ok with that. Because I got to see you again. I saw you at your best today. The happiest I’ve ever seen you. In my mind, that’s all that mattered today.
Look, I don’t believe I have a lot of time left. That’s been set in my mind for months. I’m 1000 leagues deep, and no one can save me but myself. Ive came to realize that while you have been gone. Frankly Jordan, I don’t want to save myself. Waiting to settle on the ocean floor like sediments. That will be my day. And when my day comes I won’t let you know. I will mail you a letter I wrote a long time ago, only updating as time passes. That’s how you’ll know. And when that day comes, don’t let it get you down. Move on, and go forth with your life. Continue doing what you are now. But I want you to say a final good bye when that days comes. How ever you seem fitting. That’s all I want from you nothing more, nothing less.
For now let’s just ride the current. What ever happens, happens. I will fill you in from time to time, keep you up to date, you know. Otherwise If you want to know my struggles, you’ll find me here. And don’t worry, this time I’m not dragging you down with me. It’s your turn to shine.
Could you tell today? Did you feel anything? What was it like for you Jordan?
Anyways, Jordan, I missed you. But now I’m afraid that when you come to see what I’ve become that it will drive you away. So I’m sorry for who I am. I hope you can still understand. If not, well thats fine by me. Because all I want is for you to be happy.
Jordan, you know exactly what I mean.
so over the last new months iv been working on a song about how I feel being depressed suicidal still needs work but il share the first couple lines with u guys
– I keep trying to fill that fucking void inside it feels like life is just passing me by looking in the mirror iv totally lost who I am the cuts relieve the pressure can you save me from myself
alone and depressed anxiety stressed I’m hanging on for dear life but I dont see the reason why iv been thinking dose God really exist cause this is bull shit this is hell in living inn
if I some how get to record it before I succeed u guys will be the first to hear it
– suicide club
I’m standing on the edge I stumble I fall in
I’m falling into nothing I’m screaming im calling
it feels like I’m drowning man I can’t breath
can someone save me from myself please
it could be sunny outside but it’s raining over me
downward spiral walking corpse virus Im slowly dying in silence
And I’m it’s host to entertain wile it flourishes from my pain
and stuck in this hole
I just saw an ex-colleague I have a thing for for the first time in three months. Kind of weirded me out, because a) I thought she’d moved hundreds of miles away, and b) it was the first time I’ve left the house in a week. I find myself thinking about her often, (which is sad and pathetic for so many reasons), and then there she suddenly is.
I didn’t talk to her or anything – didn’t even catch her eye. Had the weird feeling of simultaneously dreading her noticing me, or saying anything – because of my extreme social awkwardness – whilst longing for her to come over.
But this post isn’t really about her. The truth is I don’t even really know her that well. We only had a handful of meaningful conversations while working together. She might be the way I think of her – kind, quirky, sensitive, deep, smart, impetuous, passionate, curious about the world. Or further down she might be just like everyone else I meet.
This post is about the despair I feel at never even finding out. Even supposing she really was the way I see her, someone I can really imagine wanting to be with, I feel like there’s nothing I can do to make myself someone she’d want to be with.
Even putting aside all my superficial physical hang ups, the truth is I’m just a terrible person. And no matter how hard I work on some aspects of that, there are things about me that I can’t change. Things that mean I don’t feel like I can be with anyone. I wouldn’t want her to be with someone like me, even if she did feel the same way for me. She deserves better. Pretty much anyone deserves better.
And that’s ok, right? Not everyone gets to have someone. Some of us just end up alone. Doesn’t mean suicide is the rational response. I still get to be in this amazing world. The stars still shine, the sky is still blue, the birds still sing outside the window.
I just need to suck it up, and live with my despair. Maybe in the future something unforeseen will happen to magically change things, if I keep working on myself, but for now I have no hope in that area.
The problem is, every time I see her, part of my mind gets stuck on her. Wants to find some way to connect with her. Thinks that if only she could see and understand everything that I really am, she’d somehow be able to make it all alright. She’d somehow be able to love me and want me despite it all. Be able to save me from myself. And everything will suddenly be ok.
Which is not how life is. It’s not how people are. I don’t think there’s anything that I can do that would make who I am ok with her (or anybody else for that matter.)
And yet part of me keeps insisting that it’s vitally important that I do something about it. So I am posting here. This is my way of trying to let go of that part of myself, at least for the time being.
Just having one of them days what’s the point ? What’s the purpose for being here what is the meaning of life the only thing promised is death right
I watch this film called wrist cutters the other night it’s about a guy who commits suicide but going to a place the same as earth but he’s just in a worster off depressed working a dead beat job searching for he lover etc
I believe that we have lessions to learn in this life and they keep repeating them self till we learn them but how can we learn something if we don’t know what it is ? to a certain extent I believe that once we learnt all our lessons though a few life times ( reincarnation ) we become a spiritual teacher I don’t mean like Jesus I mean
do u have a friend who always knows the right things to say to u when u need it ? Knows what there plan to do in life is ? Have life troubles / situation but can handle them rather easily ? Dosnt need anything or anyone ? Just being around them there energy has a positive effect on you there are like the light in the dark
I believe they are teachers sent to show us the way I’m greatful I have one friend like that even if he can’t save me from my self
My birthday is coming up, and it’s coming up fast. I’m so scared for it to become another sufferable day for me. Im doing my senior project on that day and let me tell you… It’s hellish days full of utter loneliness. I’m not even exaggerating it. Nobody talks to me, my old friends mooch all over my sister and never intend on talking to me. They will look at me and not even acknowledge my very existence. It rips my heart in two.. I would not go to it.. If my parents weren’t so strict about it.. I got all my hours everything done! But they still are forcing me to go. I don’t want to go to the one on my birthday, I’d rather go to the last performance on Friday.. If I have to go to the one on my birthday I might just run for it. I’m sick of being treated like this. I want to show my mom and dad how I really feel when they push me over my limits. If anyone could give me another option on how to get my parents to not let me go that would be great. It might even save me from taking the chance of running away and leaving myself to die.. I was planning on doing it the other week but it was my fathers birthday… I would never do that to him on his birthday…
So this last month has been ok. I’ve been doing decently well. I haven’t cut, though I’ve had the urge a few times. I lost myself in a book series so that helped get out of my own head for a while. And right now I’m dealing with normal problems like trying to get a guy to ask me out and not failing my classes. But the thoughts never go away, I doubt they ever will. The thoughts that help me spiral down. The ones that make me hate myself and want to kill myself. I still have my ultimatum for the end of the year where if my life doesn’t seem worth living by December 31st, I won’t live to see 2017. I feel like that’s kind of selfish but I’m going to keep the ultimatum and see how the rest of the year goes.
Tomorrow is my old high schools band concert and I decided that I’m going to go to it. I’m going to go and see people I know and try to look put together and hope everything goes okay. I’m worried I’m going to break down crying or freak out because the one person who I talked to back in November about my mental problems will be there and I’m terrified to see him. I was going to talk to him in December when things were still bad(why I have my ultimatum) but I never got the chance to see him in real life and although I could’ve texted him he has a habit of not answering unless it’s worth his time. I was going to try to see him in January but when I sent a text asking if I could stop by, he never responded so I didn’t and I haven’t tried to make contact with him again because I’m terrified. Terrified that it’ll be confirmed by him that I’m a worthless piece of shit. And even though I haven’t talked to him in 3 months I keep having dreams with him in it and in those dreams we talk and are friends and for some reason I feel like if he doesn’t care about my existence then why am I here? He was the person who when I was on the verge of killing myself senior year told me that I was important to him. He never knew what I went through that year and that he helped save me until November of last year. He showed me that he cared about me and that helped bring me out of my depression into a few months of happiness. Then when I fell back down I told him what he did in hopes he could help me again but we are not as close as before and I don’t know. I will see him tomorrow and I don’t know if I’ll start crying or have a panic attack of some sort. I’m scared.
Yup, just what the title says. I’ve started numbing myself with alcohol and how spend more time intoxicated than not. The upside is that settling into an alcoholic reality seems to save me from my addiction of suicidal ideation. I dunno, one seems safer than the other as long as I’m not driving.
I keep trying to fill that void inside
it feel like life is just passing by
looking in the mirror iv totally lost who I am the cuts relieve the pressure
can you save me from my self
I’m never going to be the same, it’s still here in my head and it’s not going away. The voice in my head.
He’s me but not me, how do you describe yourself when you don’t even know who you are anymore. He knows me better than anyone else, better than my parents ever will, better than my “friends” ever will. I don’t think even she can save me anymore. It’s been too long.
I wanted to go to college, I wanted to go to university to study maths. Now I can’t hardly do a sum without thinking about her, or what I’ve done since, what I’m setting myself on doing.
My brother nearly died today in a skiing accident. Smashed his face after falling 30 ft down, he’s in hospital right now with internal bleeding around his brain. He has a girlfriend been with her for two years now. He’s got both things I want right now. A relationship with someone who cares for him as much as he cares for her. And death.
I want my life to rewind 12 months. So I can relive my summer with true friends, stay with them so I don’t force myself through the absolute fear and difficulty of making new friends. So I don’t make the mistakes I made when I had no guidance. So I don’t end up how I am now, a drug addicted mess.
No friends, no one I can rely on, a family that doesn’t understand, a jealousy. I can hear myself now telling me to throw myself off a cliff break my bones and freeze myself to death.
I don’t know why I keep myself going. I quite often feel there’s no reason to. I suppose it would be because she would find out. I still have a small piece of me holding on to a memory of when I was once living.
Will I die if I touch the bottom?
dying this way
but the surface is so far above
how much strength do i have left?
Can I reach it?
Is that heaven?
or is it just a breathe of fresh air
before my heart gives out
and i sink back
into the sea
Is there anyone out there?
But who can hear the cries
of a man with no voice
for i am in the depths
and my voice lies far above
will someone take notice
that i fell in?
that I’m no longer next to them
dive into the depths and save me?
Will I be happy then?
At the surface
what is there for me
At least at the bottom
I have something to reach for
to wish for
If i reached the top
What would I wish for then?”
–Something I wrote about 6 years ago during a less then pleasant time in my life. Copy and paste straight out of my journal. Kind of just had the urge to share.
Not sure what to write…..so I am just gonna write. No editing, no revisions.
Didn’t think it possible that it would hurt this bad.
I hung everything on the line, sacrificed it all….and have nothing to show for it….
I guess the one thing I always really wanted was a woman to save me. Save me from myself…..
Now here I am where I started, and in worse shape. I would give everything to go back in time and do it all over again…..to relive the happy moments. To change the way things ended up
But that can’t happen. Life does not work like that….
I am not over her. Probally won’t be for a very long time. However I wish I could find that one woman to save me from the hurt. To save me from my destructive decisions….
I am 29 years old. I should know better by now. No such person exists. Its all a fucking fairy tail. There is no happily ever after for me.
Some of you, I know things will get better. You have barely lived. But for me its too late.
Again the question creeps into my mind, is death the better alternative?
At this new job at my brother’s company, anxiety is always flaring up and up. Meeting clients is so much of a struggle because I try to leave my social anxiety and depression at home. My brother keeps on telling about the Lord and how he’ll save me et cetera
I just feel like I don’t belong and wasn’t meant to be in the first place. I can’t function like a normal human being. The boredom and repetitive mundanities of everyday life just render me powerless. Lack of confidence in self, in the world. I am generally fucked to the 100th degree.
i am lost in this physicial world of existance and not even jesus can save me because i dont need spuritual ..I am worthless at least that’s what they have told me…living homeless on and off for twenty five yrs isn’t fun and am quite sick of it now… shattered both my legs in Oct 6th of 2000…left me a gimp..and no one is willing to help a poor homeless gimp out…I am a cowered I can’t even take my own life I am ashamed at who I’ve become lost my mom at the age of fifteen…brother abused me when I was ninenine,ten, and eleven…father and uncle used to beat me every Saturday afternoon saying they were beating the devil out of me cause my dad would show me my moms breast and I would scream at him and kick him for abusing my mom and me and he would beat me…I grew up in trash I’ll die in trash