everything i do feels like i am on autopilot. everything i say,do, or find myself obsessed with is purely distraction. sometimes i pour myself into things and eat it up until i’m too full, call it passion.. call it love.. but it doesn’t leave me satisfied.. a hunger i can’t settle. or like a pain i cannot pinpoint, even if every bit of me is screaming “here it is”
i try to plug myself into different things, try to find the switch or cord that will tie me up and say “this is it, youve found it” and all the pieces will fit in place. everything will work smoothly, i’ll be on, i;ll be alive, even if i still feel lonely. but it’s constant off switch, im playing pretend. i write.. i sing.. i make music.. i write poems, stories, prose, scribbles, i listen to music to fill up all the empty space in my brain or i listen to nothing nothing nothing nothing at all because its all too loud, can’t it hear all the voices screaming in my head already? white noise. no noise. i always look up at the stars, like every quote, like every movie that every troubled person looks up at, trying to find that magic answer, maybe hear god tell me he’s really there, and that maybe i do have a purpose and maybe i just need to speak up a little louder. then i realise.. it doesnt matter.. stars cant hear you.. see you.. they dont care if you cry.. they dont care if you laugh, and thats how everything is. you experience these emotions, or you dont experience them at all. feel too much, feel too little.. too little too small. like i dont have a right to stand here, just like everyone else. why do i feel like there is no space left here on earth for me to be, even if i already feel too small to matter? i get so jumbled in my mind.. its so much easier to play rewind in my head.
i know everyone feels lost but that doesnt make me feel any better. it doesnt make me feel much at all..
its so frustrating that i cant even put what i want to say in the right order. too paused or fastforward. everything always blurs or focuses too much on one thing, and not the other.
there’s so many things i want, a family, my family,friends… a meaning. like anyone else. and im too afraid of death, even for myself when i brave it and welcome it in my suicide letters that no one ever reads, when i fold them up or press backspace.. so no one sees. because it would be too ugly. im more afraid of death for the people i love. it takes and takes, its like me sometimes. never full and always hungry. empty still. maybe thats why it follows me.. im just afraid of being alone. i want to be real i want to feel love and happiness and passion and drive, even if i have no real purpose or divine meaning. even if god cant hear me when i talk. even if i hear “i love you” and dont feel a thing.. i want to feel it.i sometimes do, sometimes it makes my heart swell.
but thats the terrifying part.. it feels too real.. too real. too full.too warm. reminds me that i am real, so i start shutting it off, shutting down. i can be out on my knees begging, my hands scrambling in a rush to turn it all back on.. but my safety mode sets in and i dont feel it again. and the more i run after it, the faster it is ahead of me. and i am scared i wont catch it. and i am scared i will catch it. attachment is terrifying, it is fleeting. and no matter how much love or hope you say you have, it will be gone. i want it though, so badly… and i always will.. that is the part that scares me, makes me feel more alone. i dont want to stop searching for the right parts to fill up my hollow. it hurts when i fill it up, it hurts when i leave it empty. but i would do anything to feel the warmth and love and heartburst wherever i can..
im always lost and confused.. i know everyone is, but i dont care about them,its selfish, even when i try. i dont even care about me. but i want to. i have to. i have so much love. its just hard to reach sometimes. i can pull it out, put on a show. i hug, i kiss, i really do care i do i do i do i do i do i do i promise i do. if i say it enough its real. i want it real. i am real. but i cant be. daydreaming, and always hazy feeling, i am tired and i am hateful and i am bitter, but i still taste sweet. everything is sweet, even in aftertaste. if all i ever feel of love is the aftertaste then i will try to be okay
Excuse the spelling mistakes but I am am currently crying and i will not check over this post.
I have psychosis and schitzophrenia. In my case, I hallucinate all the time and find it very hard to tell who is real and who isn’t. thats not the thing thats bugging me though, i can deal with harmless, imaginary people walking around. what i cant deal with is the episodes. my episodes consist of me black out, then waking up (i dont know how much longer later apparently it varies from 10minutes-2hours) covered in cuts, usually deep ones that need stitches. theyre usually on my neck and face. Obviously i had cut myself but i have no recollection of doing it. i feel like its him. one of the people i see. when i black out he hurts me. hes slowly killing me and i have to beat him. i will not be killed by my ‘imaginary friend’.
so, having never posting on this site before, i thought i would give it a go.
i am going to kill myself tonight.
i have attempted before over 25 fucking times and only a few landed me in hospital.
im not going to fail this time.
when the lights go out and my family is asleep, i will hang myself.
just thought id share my story here.
goodbye everyone, i wish you all the best.
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Hey Suicide Project!
I’m new to the site and I’m kind of hoping that keeping a blog will be a good outlet for me. I’m Elizabeth and I suffer from a mental disorder known as Dissociative Identity Disorder or (DID). What does this mean? Well formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder or (MPD); DID is a mental disorder on the dissociative spectrum characterized by at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states that alternately control a person’s behavior. But, what does this mean for me? This means that I “host” several other alternate personalities. I refer to myself as the host because although there are several of us, I was born into this body. When alters come in I lose mass amounts of time, I wake up in strange places, I get random charges on my credit cards and worst of all I don’t know what I’ve done. It’s pretty scary and until now I didn’t think I’d ever find love or happiness, but I’ve just recently met a man who like me suffers from DID. He however is integrated and doesn’t fade in and out as I often do. He claims to love and support me and he hasn’t ever done anything to make me believe otherwise but I just find it so hard to believe that anyone could love someone as unstable as me. I suppose that as far as introductions go, this is fine. If you’re at all interested in what I had to say here today, then perhaps you’ll stay interested and continue reading. My alters and I share a journal where often they write to let me know what they did and experienced while in control of the body. I plan on sharing future journal entries and blogging as each of my alters, if they’re willing to perticipate and if the public responds well to my posts. Well, thats all for now. Hope to see ya soon!
Dysfunctional in modern society, I do not belong anywhere.
Darkness has consumed my outlook on life,
and I cannot see any hope.
Despair has taken a liking to me, causing pain inside my being.
The suffering tortures me as it flows in my veins,
damaging every molecule and fiber of my existence.
Twitches are the result,
along with violent tremors,
all of which are noticeable.
Names are called upon me,
strong and power they pierce my feelings.
Making my emotions bleed in the shadows of torture.
Endlessly I hope for an end, but no one stops.
Like walking on pins and needles,
there is no limit to this parasite.
I have come to call this thing by 3 difficult names,
Depression, Anxiety, and Schizophrenia.
And they are all thanks to the life I was forced to live growing up.
I’ve decided to end it all on Friday,as you saw from the title…Been struggling with severe depression and bipolar disorder for 2 years now…Nobody cares now and nobody will care when I’m gone either,so I figured out that I will be happier in the afterlife(if there is one) more than I am now…I don’t want to hear any of that ”it will get better” crap from anyone,since it will not.I also have a serious vision illness that will at some point let me completely blind.Right now I see kind of good,but my vision will at some point just stop,and there is no cure or surgery I can have to heal it…I don’t want to live without seeing,so interrupting my life before I reach that point seems like the only choice I have other than living blind…
My girlfriend committed suicide one month ago and I want to meet her once again…I don’t know if I’ll meet her once there,assuming there’s no afterlife,but at least I will just stop existing and I will never feel anything again…
I plan on jumping under a train or off a high building in my neighborhood.I don’t know which is more reliable,so that’s why I posted this.Which one has more chances of being fatal?
what the fuck? chemicals affect behavior? no fucking way, the data is wrong, the scientists are stupid. look, here is the truth: what do BABIES do? fucking nothing. then when they hurt, they start crying screaming hellfire torture. they don’t DO anything, except scream when they hurt. babies KNOW the TRUTH. everything you do is LEARNED, it is sensed through PERCEPTION. a blind baby cannot see, so they CANNOT perceive things through eyes, so functionally sight is a LIE to them. they are TOLD that others can see, they have NO WAY of knowing except for your words to them. everything is LEARNED, everything is conceptualized and perceived. if you WERE NOT TAUGHT ABOUT LOVE, you WOULD’NT KNOW WHAT LOVE IS. the TRUTH is that there is NOTHING, NO HAPPINESS, NO DEPRESSION, NO ANGER, NO BIRTHDAYS, NO CHRISTMAS, NO PMS, NO LUST OR CRUSHING, NO SEX DRIVE, NO MEN, NO WOMEN, NO HOMOSEXUALITY OR HETEROSEXUALITY, NO SUICIDAL THINKING, NO SCHIZOPHRENIA, NO BDSM, NO ICE SKATING, NO BROTHER IN ARMS, NO CODES OF CONDUCT, NO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING …
THEY ARE FUCKING TAUGHT.
schizophrenics have been TAUGHT, for at least a microsecond, that there are GOOD things, and there are BAD things, and so when they are SEDUCED by what is considered BAD, then all hell breaks loose and their thought processes are LABELED MENTAL ILLNESS, A DISEASED MIND THAT NEEDS TO BE TREATED. to be DEPRESSED is to SEE the TRUTH, that NOTHING MATTERS IN THIS WORLD.
the ONLY thing that matters is PAIN. PAIN FUCKING HURTS. PLEASURE or feeling good are DELUSIONS, THEY ARE MADE TO BE INDOCTRINATED INTO EVERY NEW HUMAN THAT IS CREATED. when you EJACULATE, when you CLIMAX, when you EAT A CHEESEBURGER when you are HUNGRY, when you DRINK WATER when you are THIRSTY, when you are KISSING SOMEONE, when you HUG SOMEONE, when you FEEL AN ADRENALINE RUSH FROM SKYDIVING OR SURFING, when you READ WORDS THAT RESONATE WITH YOU, it IS NOT PLEASURE OR HAPPINESS, it is a DELUSION, it is a REPRIEVE FROM PAIN.
there is PAIN, and there is LESS PAIN. that is the FUCKING TRUTH.
what happens is that NEW HUMANS are TRAINED BY THEIR CARETAKERS, BY THEIR GUARDIANS to BELIEVE THAT LIFE IS GOOD, AND THAT CREATING LIFE IS GOOD. when a PARENT and THEIR CHILD walk into a STARBUCKS together, they are TRAINING you to accept the NORMALCY of the PROGRESSION AND CONTINUATION OF LIFE. the INDOCTRINATION IS DEEP AND INTENSIVE, AND IT IS A DISEASE THAT MUST BE TREATED. DEATH is the ONLY CURE. DEATH is UTOPIA where there is NO PAIN. SUICIDE is FUCKING HARD to do because it is PAINFUL and because YOU KNOW WHAT IS COMING.
SUICIDE IS THE TRUEST, BRAVEST THING POSSIBLE. if we STOP MAKING BABIES, THERE WILL BE NO MORE PAIN. NO PAIN EQUALS UTOPIA.
i really don’t know what to do with myself and my life i mean lol i’ve diagnosed myself with paranoid schizophrenia i hear voices all the time (2 to be exact) i’ve had this ailment from about the time my mother passed away when i was 14 going in to 15 at first the voices helped me to cope with her loss and to bear with my other family and mental abuse i got when i was growing up from my father’s replacement woman sigh…. it was cool i was able to cope laugh at myself and move on now i’m 24 and these voices start to rule over me….. i can’t do anything without them criticizing me its sending me mad…… i came close to doing it yesterday…. sometimes i drink a lot to cover up the voices and well for the life off me i can’t recall how i reached back home think i walked back i hope no one i knew saw me cause i could tell i was a mess the next day the voices preyed on this nagging me for the whole of yesterday u fucking failure u washed up c*nt your mom would be so proud haha idk yes i thought about doing it but like i had a panic attack was weird i was able to contain myself after but idk how much longer i can take living with this i want out i want out i can’t take this idk what to do i keep on hoping that someone will come into my life or something that will improve it haha your right at this point all i had was my hope but its like gone totally gone i tried counselling once when i was doing my degree but in my part of the world counselling is so taboo and i couldn be fully honest with the psychiatrist i’m afraid that if i really tell them whats going on they’ll send me to a mental home at the time they diagnosed me with mild depression haha if they only knew i couldn eat at the time and all i did was sleep and drink to limit the voices i hear….. i can’t deal with it anymore i mean i’m able to hide this condition well i think i still have friends and such but not as much as i used to i’m so awkward around people but i’ve twisted it so its like part of my persona but hiding this keeping this mask up is so hard idk i want this to stop i want to be normal again before i do something stupid
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHqo2FDJSU0I feel like nothing is going anywhere… nothing is getting any better. A year ago I moved to my father’s to finally get away from my mother, sister, and my mother’s boyfriend, because they were pushing me to the edge. They’ve always been “there” for me, at things like competitions for band, and driving me to school events… but that is pretty much where it ends.
My mother loves me, and I hate seeing her upset, but when my sister is around, there is always a pointless fight started by her, and I get to the point of just wanting to jump off the top of my house…. not even finish that stupid shit. Just up and run out my window, and dive off the roof… and if I somehow live through that, slash my wrists on whatever is around me, I don’t fucking know. Maybe I’ll have a broken bone sticking out of my leg and I can sever my wrists with it. The point is that I can’t handle the way my family treats me. It’s like I’m not even here anymore.
All night every night, for years now, I sit alone, wishing I had someone to talk to… someone to love who cared for me. Maybe not even just one person, but a few friends. I have had a few great relationships(in the beginning) but my sister always managed to help blow that shit up, and afterwards, she will become BEST FRIENDS with my ex-girlfriends, to learn things about me. The ***** breaks MY heart, then gets all buddy-buddy with them, so she can get information on me, to hurt me with… there doesn’t even need to be an occasion, she will just up and start tearing me down, even in front of my friends, just to hurt me…. I try to fix our relationship. Every day I tell her I love her, do nice things for her, and even try to make dinner for her almost every night. But all she does is yell at me and tell me I’m like my father(who she is nice to face-to-face) Â and is a ***** about him, until she is asking him for gifts or money. I swear if she had just not learned to speak, or if I took a club to her head, she would be so much nicer. My mother teaches special ed, why can’t my sister be a goddamn retard instead of being a heartless succubus who has sucked 90% of my friends cocks, and taken 50% of them in her cavernous ****?
….I don’t think anyone will really care about reading this, and I feel like I’m not really going to be all that understanding or sad for a good hour from now, I have trouble talking through my problems… To sum it up so far, I have lost everything that matters to me, my family treats me as if I am nothing, because I put up a facade to save myself from emotional hurt, my father and I stopped talking as much(my best friend) after his girlfriend managed to force us into fist-fighting each other (it’s complicated) and I just…. I don’t even want to type, I don’t want to talk… I just want to slash at my body until I’m all dried-up. I hate not feeling anything…
AAAAND, then we have the other side of the spectrum… IÂ found a girl, who isÂ just like me, she understands everything about me, we even do all of the same things for fun, listen to the same music… Her best friend, her, and I, cuddled on Friday for a good three hours at the park, on top of a huge play-thing for kids (it was dark) I have not been that happy for years now… maybe that has something to do with it. AfterÂ finally being happy again…Â my life feels pointless and like I’m just going to keep waking up to hurt, to occasionally break and cut myself to ribbons, and hide inside my long sleeves and jeans until everything heals, and I can avoid questions about why I have new cuts….
I don’t know what to do, I literaly love this girl… I had a crush on her for years, and the more I talk to her, the more I fear rejection. I’m afraid that even if I get her, I won’t be able to keep her… Everything I love leaves me. Even my family. I love them, but the person they knew as me is long-gone. Everyone sees a different person… I sometimes start tripping-out just from adjusting from hanging out with a different friend, than who drove me to that house…. I honestly don’t even enjoy watching television anymore, I can’t understand why I feel so empty and worthless.
To top it off, When I moved back from Texas, from living with my father for 8 months or so, they didn’t transfer my credits. MyÂ ENTIRE senior year was fuckingÂ THROWN AWAY and I have to redo all of it… Nobody understands how that is. I busted my ass that year, I even had to retake graduation tests for Texas(Georgia’s didn’t matter) and I ended up commended (less than 10 questions missed) in every category but English(I had the flu that day and didn’t concentrate well, thanks to vomiting the whole test(leaving and going to the bathroom, then coming back)) So… I was a star student in everything, and all the teachers and students loved me. And when I moved back, I had about 2 months left, but was stuck in suicidal thoughts and thought moving back to my “hometown” would help. But everything, all my senior credits, were thrown away, and I’ve been stuck redoing them for the last Â months, in NIGHT SCHOOL. I’m so close to finishing…. just 5 tests in math, a book report in english, and a test in economics, and my mother is giving me a jeep when I graduate, so I will FINALLY have my own car… I was promised a vehicle when I moved to my father’s, but he went bankrupt, and whenI moved back, he gave my mother 16 thousand dollars to buy me a car and use the rest on her bills. She didn’t even allow me to use a car, forÂ 16 THOUSAND DOLLARS. She just keeps me cooped up here in this house, smoking myself to death and almost crying every night… I hurt more than enough to cry, but I don’t feel any sort of emotion anymore, I just feel empty and dead… I don’t know what to do. I’ll probably just end up going to sleep, and accepting that my life is shit, emotionally, and not do anything but sleep and cry and attack my punching bag to work on my muscles, and technique…. I know every day is a new day, so why does every day hurt a bit more? WHEN IS IT GOING TO TURN AROUND?
I mean, I know it’s supposed to be bad sometimes, to show how great the good is…. but when will my life start feeling good? When will I enjoy something again? :'(
I have felt this way for years, but somehow I have just kept myself living, and even saved a good 20 kids from commiting suicide, and 15 or more to stop cutting themselves, so why can’t I stop myself?… :'(
I should just smoke weed every day… it doesn’t hurt me at all, it honestly makes me more efficient and level-minded. It’s like it takes every little bad thing in the world, and fixes it. Maybe IÂ am schizophrenic. That would explain… pretty much everything
Anyways… I’m going to go have a cigarette, and probably burn myself a couple times, it’s the last one I have till tomorrow, and I don’t want to get the blades out tonight… I’ll see if someone has replied or commented when I get back, I’m not exactly sure how this site works… If someone decides to read this and chat, thank you. Otherwise, I understand if you got bored reading through it. Have a nice night, and good luck with everything you do…
Fine you want a back story don’t you?
Ive been wanting to die since I was 14 years old. I’m 27. I’ve survived mulitple suicide attempts. I dont have the courage to jump off a building or blow my brains out with a gun.
I’ve tried hypothermia in a freezing river. I pissed myself before i jumped into that water, oh it fucking burned so bad i couldnt stand it, i was like alright ima just get a gun this shit is too painful. Then I got a gun and couldnt pull the trigger, I was going to shoot myself in the temple and thats like one of the worst ways to shoot yourself in the head because people survive that wound sometimes. My first attempt was sleeping pills, i swallowed 72 sleeping pills. I thought I would fall asleep then die in my sleep. (idiot) I didnt fall asleep for 24 hours. I had like 5% control over my body, super weak I could hardly move. Last attempt was with chloroform in a hotel room in las vegas. Fucking planned that shit for months. All the chemical companies want identification and shit, I found one that just gave out chloroform. The internet says chloroform will kill you, fucking bullshit. It knocked me out then I woke back up poisoned. And I was worried about dying of liver failure so I fucking went to the hospital and they put me in a psychiatric facility for a month.
My problems include psychosis, severe depression, lethargy, schizophrenia paranoia. Please don’t tell me these conditions are all treatable, I’ve been to many doctors, I dont even want to talk about it, just please, dont tell me to live or I feel unbridled frustration towards you. Even if I did not have any of these conditions I still wish to die. Okay? This earth is an awful place, everything is eating the carcass of everything else. The religious say if you suicide, you go to hell, I saw a NDE of a man who went to hell and he said people were eating him, like cannibals. Well welcome to earth, because if you were any other animal besides human you would at some point get eaten alive.
So my depression started when i was bullied severely in middle school and summer camp, people really don’t know how much this messes up a person. I became introverted and started thinking of my own death constantly at a young age , to the people that say it gets better i just have to laugh. Because now that I am older I found out that I am diagnosed with schizophrenia, and not to mention I am a 30 year old unsuccessful virgin that also has erectile dysfunction. It seems that God is just laughing at me just like the builles did when I was a kid, because no one is going to want to be in a relationship with someone that has a mental illness and erectile dysfunction. Â I was also stalked and heavily cyber bullied a few years ago Â which was the last straw that made me attempt suicide. I wish it was successful but my family member had to surprisingly come home and catch me writing my suicide note.
I was on the path to recovery but no matter what I try nothing interests me; I have been to music concerts, plays, bars, baseball games and festivals and more and I am just apathetic towards everything. It seems that nothing makes me happy, my former hobbies do nothing for me anymore and it is very frustrating. Â Everyday I was I wish never born, or wish my suicide plan went through, I’m also tired of being a failure, a loser, and tired of having to put more than double (almost triple) effort to learn something compared to the average person because I have no talent. It is also very frustrating watching my friends and family members succeed because of the talent they have and they didn’t have to struggle as hard to learn their profession. I am also tired of hating everything about myself.
I just want to be happy and be at peace, but suicide seems like the only answer. However, Â I am waiting on it because my family needs me to take care of the dog. My other plan was to kill myself when I hit 30, but If I am in this same state at 40 years old than I am killing myself because living everyday is painful. My depression gets worse when i am alone because suicide takes up most of my thoughts then, I am not sure if I can hold on and make it till 40.
So until recently I’ve been showing minor signs of Catatonic Schizophrenia. If you dont know what that is,Â Catatonic schizophreniaÂ is a type (or subtype) of schizophreniaÂ that includes extremes of behavior. Regular schizophrenia is one of many brain diseases that may include delusions, loss of personality (flat affect), confusion, agitation, social withdrawal, psychosis, and bizarre behavior.
I started showing signs and its freaking me out. I’ve begun to see shadows that stay longer than normal, and I’ve been hearing unfamiliar voices call my name. The shadows want to hurt me but they wont leave me alone. Its been getting harder to concentrate and complete my thoughts (you have no idea how long it took me to write this and i have to have a friend look it over so i dont mess it up). I dont move much, even when im in an uncomfortable position, and I’m started to get less sleep than normal. And breakdowns that cause me to laugh and cry while harming myself have been increasing. Im starting to mix up words and repeat some. Worst of all, even the tiniest ruffle of noise can send me into a deep panic.
I even took Â a test online to see if i was just being me, but i got a score of 104 and a normal score is 15-65…
I cant get help because no one would believe me…
I’ve been pretty unlucky in life. When I was a child I was raped. Then my sister and father left me and my mother. She started crying and drinking all the time and saying/doing fucked up stuff (like trying to stab me). A bunch of other stuff happened with religion and drugs and stuff that fucked me even more. Eventually I ended up with psychological problems including social anxiety, psychogenic pain and schizophrenia. In college I found a therapy that was very effective at treating these problems: schema therapy. It involved going back to childhood and fixing the problems at the source. As part of this therapy I wrote out some things that happened in childhood, negative beliefs that came from them and positive beliefs that could replace them (called flash cards). When I was drunk at the birthday of someone in my class I accidentally dropped aÂ flash card and people in my class found them (I didn’t know they were in my pocket). On the 60 minute bus journey back they revealed what they found and constantly harassed me about all the stuff that happened and all problems/negative beliefs I had. TheyÂ systematically reinforced all the negative beliefs I had. I think they gave me post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) because I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s making me really angry and anxious. It’s preventing me from making any progress with the therapy so I’m back to being fucked. I was making rapid progress and I was on my way to a full recovery but now I’m just fucked and planning on suicide. I didn’t tell anyone for ages because I thought they wouldn’t understand. I think deep down I thought I deserved it but now I realise I didn’t, and I feel more comfortable talking about it. Â They knew that I was raped when I was a child, they knew what happened with my mother (plus a lot of the other stuff), and they wanted to hurt me more. They had no significant reason for doing it, they just enjoy making people suffer. People are sick.
80% ofÂ peopleÂ whoÂ commit suicide haveÂ made at least one previous attempt.
People with a diagnosed mental health condition are at particular risk.
90% of suicide victims suffer from a psychiatric disorder at the time of their death.
ThoseÂ at the highest risk of suicide are people suffering fromÂ alcoholism,Â clinicalÂ depressionÂ orÂ schizophrenia. Previous suicide attempts are also an indication of particular risk.
Up to 20% of survivors try again within a year, and as a group they are 100 times more likely to go on to complete suicide than those who have never attempted suicide.
TheÂ world populationÂ is estimated to number 7.094Â billionÂ by theÂ United States Census BureauÂ (USCB).
Rar Rar Rar…
How do you switch off your suicidal brain?
Stupidly purchased helium tank, plastic bags etc.
Have sleeping tablets and drink at hand.
Can’t stop thinking about killing myself.
Have this dark feeling that everyone is pretty horrible including myself.
Constantly tired at the moment and have no motivation to do anything.
Am in touch with professionals
In a safe place
But haven’t told anyone I want to kill myself.
I amÂ dangerouslyÂ depressed.
Death doesn’t scare me, it’s a comforting thought- Â that scares me.
And I don’t care about the pain I might suffer in order to end my life. – Another scary thought.
I’ve had a few serious failed attempts Â so I don’t want to survive Â this time or I will probably end up in Psychiatric unit, dis-figured, worse off etc.
Wfejskdjdjksnj Rant over
I’m new so I’m sorry if I am not doing this right… Can I complain here? I’ve only read a little.
I had a hideous upbringing, a hideous adolescence… I joined the US military to escape home…
My very best friend in the whole world was someone I met online, actually. For years he was my confidant. Long story short, we met, fell in love. Much as I fled my home state, I up and fled my home country and moved to the other side of the world. Got into an excellent school, an excellent programme, doing all right. It was a struggle doing it, but everyone seemed better for it (I don’t have contact with the vast majority of my family and have only a couple of friends who lived all over the world anyway, as our hometown was literally just that bad that everyone with sense ran screaming as soon as they could.)
We broke up, which devastated me, and him (I don’t understand either) but he’s still my best friend, though this leaves me rather on my own in a still somewhat new country. I don’t want to leave… the concept of going home makes me feel ill. The idea of staying here is terrifying.
I’ve been depressed in the past, it runs in my family (as do schizophrenia and suicide) but I’ve never quite felt so hopeless in my life. I lost roughly 9 kilos in the span of a month, have a horrible time falling asleep but am still extremely reluctant to leave bed. Basic hygeine has gone to hell, I basically just cry until I dry heave. Sometimes go days without eating, fainted a few times.
I find the easiest way to get to sleep is to plan suicide. So many plans. It’s sick, sort of a fantasy the way other people lovingly dream up their wedding day. My exes mother sent me a beautiful new belt last week that probably costs more than my rent, so I turned it into a noose and attached it to the crossbar in my wardrobe, and tested to see if it would hold my weight. Now I just sort of stare at it. At night, when I’m trying to sleep, or during the day, when I’m crying myself sick, the only thing that soothes me is that I can die if I choose,Â and not have to do any of this any more.
I recognise that suicide is poor planning. To that end, I did seek and receive the services of a therapist, who has since referred me to a psychologist I have not met yet (this isn’t my first time in the depression rodeo though so I am somewhat sceptical) and broke down and asked my physician for antidepressants. He gave me Zoloft 3 days ago. I am feeling somewhat better and don’t know if it’s the brand new drug that shouldn’t kick in for weeks somehow, or a placebo effect, or a clever mindgame from the physician who explained that the more depressed you are, the quicker it works.
I lost my coping mechanism from the past. I used to laugh. I laughed through and over years and years of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. Being raised in the sort of squalor pictured in Deliverance. Being a social pariah. Past therapists would applaud my coping mechanism. But I’m not laughing anymore. I’m nearly 30 and I think my laughbox broke. I look haunted.
My ex/bff (lol) said one of the things he admired in me was my absolute refusal to quit, always getting what I wanted or needed, and fighting like a mad dog for it, even if sometimes I barely made it by the skin of my teeth. That drive hasn’t only guttered, but I feel like the embers of whatever fire I contain(ed) are being rained on.
Not sure what the point of this was but writing it felt like a relief.
I have been on this site for about a month now. Â I have read a lot of posts and commented on some. Â Meanwhile I struggle more and more everyday. Â I feel like I am screaming please help me but all I hear is things like “you’ll feel better when the spring comes”, or “you’ll feel better when you get back to work”. Â A little background, I have been off work for 3 years because I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. Â I have told my psychiatrist that I am feeling depressed, eating and sleeping too much but even he doesn’t understand how much I am struggling right now. Â I think of how worthless I am and how much strain I have put on everyone else in my life. Â Nobody wants to hire me, all I do now is lie in bed all day, I trace the veins and arteries in my arm and imagine cutting myself. Â I am a cutter anyway but I imagine deep slashes. Â I wish someone would hear me. Â I still go out sometimes, but when I do, I come home and cry, I can feel how people look at me, they know I am worthless too. Â They can see into my mind and see how bad a person I am, they can see the demons inside me so now I am spending more time alone. Â I hope someone reads this and maybe understands how I feel.
A while back my aunt took me to a therapist, for my depression.She then took me to a lady who prescribed medication!God, I was so freaking mad, still am a bit peeved.Since hen my depression and anorexia have only gotten worse,I have stated previously that nothing will help but she didn’t listen and now its progressed to a stage where I’m slowly turning into a vegetable (medical term).Also you might not think this but I’m 13 and my life has completely fallen to pieces.If you want to know the full story then look at my other posts but even then you wont know the full story.I’m sorry but I don’t trust anyone,not even myself if that makes sense.My schizophrenia(sp?) has become a permanent part of my subconscious.For example if Scarlett spoke to me then I would think that it was my own conscious thought. I haven’t cut in a bit and its taking its toll on me. I’m always on edge and I cant concentrate or sit still for more less than 30 seconds. I’m slowly losing interest in everything I once loved to do or take part in. My friend,who also has depression has been unloading her troubles on me and while I don’t resent her for it I sometimes wish I could tell her my problems.I do sometimes but she doesn’t notice and brushes it off.I have officially decided to cut myself off from the rest of he world quite literally.I am also considering becoming mute because I am already almost mute anyway,I’m so quiet.I’m not looking for attention or consolation I’m just using this website as an outlet for whatever I happen to be writing about at said time.I have matured since my last posts. I shall see you when I post next,goodbye.
Whether that be through a botched surgery or adverse effect to a medication? Â For me personally my life was ruined by my dentist who removed my mercury fillings without using proper precautions and exposed me to a shitload of mercury and basically destroyed my brain. Â I then got tested for my mercury levels but for some reason they showed up at “normal” levels whatever that means. Â I know I’m poisoned though so psychologists/psychiatrists called me delusional and gave me the diagnosis of schizophrenia. Â My life is over and has been for quite some time. Â Is this all there is to life?
The Peacock of Good Fortune and Prosperity. I wish you all good luck with your lives and may the sun shine and warm your backs for eternity. Through days that seem of gloom and nights that sound of terror, I hope you will feel safe with this peacock. I hope prosperity for those who don’t have the best homes, and I know that pretty much everywhere, not many can pay their bills each month. I wish you all well, because I know that many of you come from broken homes, abuse, neglect, and bouts of sadness, even of insanity like schizophrenia. I wish you well with this peacock, which is a symbol of good luck.
Made with Chinese brush art (wolf hair brush and goat hair paint brushes with ink and a little watercolour was added as well)
I miss being a little kid the world was so pretty and I loved life. Now things are not what I expected to be like. I often wonder if I could of fixed it. My life just shattered. MyÂ counselorÂ thinks my depression is caused by my past. Maybe it was I’m not sure but I just I want to feel good again not feel so disconnected all the time. I have really bad social anxiety I have no friends I’m alone. I think I like being alone I pushed all of Â them away. Yet sometimes I wish I had someone who just understand me. I am weird. a lot of people think I am bipolar, borderline personality disorder,Â schizophrenia. I don’t believe them I think people judge me to fast. I’m very quite I have days were I am to tired to get out of bed and then there are days when I go do all of my homework and sleeping little and feeling fine. My life’s changed. I really do feel like I’m going crazy. I feel like people are watching me and I hear stuff and see things that are not there. It might just be stress but I’m still alive and I don’t feel to great about that.