My body feels numb but my heart continues to ache. If only I could cut my heart. So I’ll just cut my flesh.
No hope. No faith. Just nothing.
I hope to die. I hope to fall down. I hope for my body to finally give in.
There are no more beautiful things for me to create. My mind pukes out black ***. I can’t create beautiful things.
Self-destruction is a beautiful thing. So I’ll create that. Cut my flesh. Let the blood flow out. Let my eyes see the beautiful thing I’ve created.
So, there are people who constantly trying to bring themselves down by unconsciously doing stupid things that destroys their life. When they start, it’s a vicious circle that can cause a lot of damages, not only to themselves, but sometimes to the others as well. Why, will you ask. Well, one of the reasons is that in their life, someone or something might have made them feel worthless, useless, unwanted, or even hated. They might have been mentally tortured and stuff, so they end up conditionned thinking uncousciouly their the salt of the earth.
I was often beaten by my mother. And I don’t know why, […]
angry again. why exactly i can’t really say. angry with myself, the world, everyone and everything. blah blah. that is what depression is -right? anger turned inward. self loathing. mind games where you set yourself up to fail. i will never win because i don’t believe i deserve to. i can talk a good game in therapy but that inner cynic is there to remind me of my unworthiness, worthlessness. the cynic is working hard to convince me that life isn’t all that it is cracked up to be. that i have every reason and right to tell everyone fuck you and off myself. the […]
I’m done. I can’t believe I have to keep waking up for the next… what? How long? I don’t know what is going to happen with my marriage or anything else. I don’t know how my … self… is going to affect my kids. How long am I going to just be getting from one end of the day to the other? I don’t want to say it’s unfair, because no one’s inflicting it on me. I don’t know how God works, but I know God doesn’t work like this. Personal freedoms, free-will, poor choices, poor judgment.. Tendencies toward self destruction, self harm, self abuse. […]
Even so.. a soft kiss from him is like that of a child’s innocence.. why does it feel so forbidden?.. such a thing like a first kiss is like a mark that shows ones rebirth yet ones own self destruction. I am a whore, a greedy one at that. I have stolen such innocence, many in fact. In my eyes the virtue of men has no value, no meaning. No one gave pity or sorry to mine, my own stolen virtue. The only thing that seems to ever matter is that kiss, the first kiss. A kiss that was taken because of my sheer stupidity […]
had a good day at work today. then-a wave of despair comes over me out of nowhere and i am bawling by the time i get home. just like someone flicked a switch or something. feeling very detached . don’t want to see anyone. don’t want to talk to anyone. don’t want to exist. my self imposed isolation has served to make me wary of people. but i hide in plain sight. feel myself slipping away. i am so damned tired. my body is aching , like i have been beaten up again. don’t know if it is depression or the meds. probably some combination […]
therapy sessions are getting heavy. considering hypnosis to look into possible abuse. i have been using pot to numb myself-trying to escape from myself. thinking gets me in trouble-the more i think the more i believe the abuse happened. it is scary to believe. opening pandora’s box. i don’t know if i am strong enough to handle what comes out of this. i think about suicide a lot. thinking about other means to an end. the gun option would require a little work. but there are other possibilities within easy reach. there is this feeling of impending doom i can’t seem to shake. been having […]
Well as you can see above (Phobias from Hell) are the root cause for my want of self destruction. I know this is somehow cliche with my appearance, but I can’t change a stereotype.
Since early childhood I have had an irrational, severe phobia of doctors. I can’t even go to the school nurse with out a panic attack. To go along perfectly with my fear of doctors, I’m a hypochondriac to the extreme. When I was 12 I was convinced I was dying of colon cancer and (tad graphic, sorry) at any moment I would discharge blood from my bowels and that would be that. After […]
I am so so so suicidal. I don’t know what to do anymore, honestly. I know there are others out there who have gone through worse then me, or feel similar things. but it’s like, the people who should care the most about me don’t. No one does. Even my best friend. When I try venting to them, I swear I just come off as whiny. and I have random people always saying, ‘Im here for you!’ and I apprecate that, but it’s not the same.
maybe I don’t want to be saved? I feel as if I was born for self destruction. Yoou know? It’s […]
I’m not a bad person but I am a fucking mess.
For years I have lived my life with no goal, no direction. I got through high school, finished college, got a job, an apartment but I never felt like I am doing anything worthwhile with my life. I survive. That’s all there is. All these years i have lived without consequences. I am a lose rocket that’s barely steered yet I still managed to not hit anything. Until recently. In another act of self destruction, I walked into a situation which I knew was gonna be trouble. The results did not surprise me. I ended […]
I’ve tried turning my life round, but yet again I’ve failed. I keep trying to better myself but everything ends up being a false dawn of hope or another fuck up to add to the ever extending list. I’ve always been a bit melancholy but I love having a laugh. I want to be in love again but I can’t open up. People say that I sometimes come across as cocky or supremely confident, yet I’m actually shy and unsure of myself. I’m one huge contradiction. I can easily identify with those who say they wear a mask in front of others and hide what […]
I just don’t know what happens to me sometimes, it is strange. I start saying things that I really shouldn’t say, I ruin everything around me because of this terrible habit. I don’t want to do it, it’s just like it takes me over and I start doing stupid fucking shit. And I can only watch as everything breaks down. It ruined so many things, it just makes everything so awkward. I don’t want to do it and yet it happens. I’ve had to explain many weird messages send to random people in the middle of the night. I’d usually say I was drunk, but […]
Tomorrow is so close, yet it seems to take an eternity to arrive. Tomorrow is the day I’ve decided to kill myself. I feel at a general ease with that knowledge, and my brain tells me I should be horrified with the looming prospect of my demise. Screw that, I done being afraid, I’ve had near constant head and stomach aches all week, but now they’re gone. I’m not going to take my meds tomorrow because I didn’t today, no more point anymore. I suspect I will be more anxious and sick tomorrow night, but oh well. I’ll get home, masturbate one last time, then […]
Why bother, I do nothing correct. Everything I ever care about destroys my insides. Try as I might, but I cannot conquer. My life is an infinite loop of chaos and disease, and I am the problem. There may be many solutions, but only one outcome I can foresee. To those who care, I am sorry. The time may be near, since the path of self-destruction is imminent. My heart pounds with self-hatred, and the loathing of my existence. Decisions will be made, actions will be taken. And none of this will ever be shared with you. For you, I truly love and never want […]
I’ve been checking this site out for a long, long time. I’ve led a miserable life, anytime I’ve gotten close to ending things I’ve always found a way out. Now, I’ve gotten to the point that I’m tired of trying to figure things out, I’m tired of the unexpected, and I’m tired of the self-destruction. I’ve always been able to hide any problems I’ve faced, issues I’ve dealt with, people around me seem to think I live a “perfect” life. If they only knew the truth, would they still be there?
I have it all planned out. I have letters written to those that mean the […]
Not feeling overly great today 🙁
Last night i broke down crying in front of my mum. A pile of crap just kept spilling out of my mouth about how i was afraid to leave the house and how afraid i was that she’d die (completely unfounded, it’s not like she’s terminally ill there’s no reason for that fear) and i just couldn’t stop crying. We were discussing the possibility of me moving in with a friend. Whilst i’d love to be out and be independent with a friend so i can actually have something resembling a normal life, i’m terrified to leave her. Almost like […]
In the dark with the music on
Wishing I was somewhere else
Taking all your anger out on me
Somebody help
I would rather rot alone
Then spend a minute with you
I’m gone, I’m gone
And you can’t stop me from falling apart
‘Cause my self-destruction is all your fault
How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you, how could you, how could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?
Open wounds
Downstairs the enemy sleeps
Leaving the TV on
Watching all the dreams
We had turn into […]
Do you ever get that overwhelming need to destroy everything? And I mean everything, the things you love included. It’s just that right now I want to destroy everything in my life. I’m sort of angry and I don’t know why. I just feel this rage deep inside me that wants to break everything, throw things across the room, tear pages out of books I adore, scream ugly things at people I love, slam doors really loudly and destroy my relationship with my friends and family.
But more than anything I want to destroy myself. Not as a coping method or as the permanent sleep […]
I wish I could die tonite, just to close my eyes and sleep forever, no more pain…
I always wake up in the middle of the night feeling this huge hole in my hearth,
Trying to cope with everything that happened to me… thinking about what can I do but at the end to kill myself seems to be the only way out.
I want to sleep so badly! a new day is about  to start, what I’m going to do?? nothing, just stay at home. I wish I had a self destruction button, push and disappear.
Reading some of the posts here just break my heart. There are so many people that have been, or – in some cases, currently subject to the most hideous abuses by those that are supposed to care for them. Those with drug addicted or alcoholic parents, those that are being physically and sexually abused by members of their own family, or even worse.  It makes the trials and tribulations of my formative years, whilst far from idyllic, seem like paradise in comparison.
Then, there are those for whom fortune has gone and taken a great big dump all over them. These are the people that were […]
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