Red rush from the entry
The shining blade hovers like a sentry
The tremor travels though my hand
Until I can no longer stand
Sensation shakes my body
And shakes the numbness encased in me
Escape at last
From the future and past
Fading at last
The blackout approaching fast
But numbness persists
So I must assist…
Drive it home down to bone
Truly alone
My heart a darkening stone
As its beat begins to lose tone
It’s been such a long time
Since I’ve felt this stinging sensation
Of ice cold metal and lurid fascination.
Deep down inside, I know it’s wrong of me.
But you don’t see, and that’s okay.
Where do you go from here?
When there’s nowhere to go but down.
Lost within the confines of your mind.
Oh sweet insecurities and deafening possibilities
Of how everything could end…
How would you say goodbye?
To the ones who stood by your side,
Who you thought always hated you
And left you with your crippled self?
How would feel on the day
What more do you have left to say?
The […]
For a long time now I’ve been subconsciously planning my suicide. My main reason for this is this ever growing sensation of “weltschmerz” – feeling the pain of the world and the uselessness of existence and living.
I have a good job that pays well. I am married to a woman that loves me, I have two beautiful and adorable children and still these aren’t good enough reasons for me to keep on living.
For as long that I can remember, I’ve been trying to live life, but never really knowing how. On the outside I’m am successful, but on the inside there is only this […]
For whatever reason, nights are always the hardest for me. It doesn’t matter what happens during the day, whether I was elated or devastated about one thing or the other, I would still end up here, lying in the dark, thinking about the same thing each night. I don’t really want to kill myself. It would hurt everyone around me, I don’t have the heart to, I actually have a few hopes or goals to live for, etc. I think about myself, really. I go through a lot during the day. So much so that it would take too long to write, or at least […]
He broke up with me a month ago, and I was barely getting over it.
I’m just appalled. How could he have regained his feelings for me in under a month?
He wants me back. But I’m scared. I’m afraid of all the possibilities, both good and bad.
He treated me terribly after the first couple months.
And I don’t really want to go back to experiencing that sensation.
I never liked that feeling. And he reminded me about how it felt. To feel like I wasn’t good enough. Like I don’t make a difference whether I’m in someone’s life or not.
I haven’t become like this just […]
Oh well, life has been… well, life has been life lately. I am posting here because I feel the need to after some crazy weeks. Still trouble with education and law, basically everyone is endlessly procrastinating. I couldn’t care less. I have been taking insane amounts of benzos for a few days until I ran out. Life is quite a lot more bearable when you are unconscious, surprisingly. Alcohol helps too, the combination is good too. Until you run out and you have to withdraw. I had been taking the benzos on prescription as a sleep aid on-and-off for a few years, so withdrawing from […]
Hi all. I’m James from New Jersey. I’m 27, and my younger brother Henry (who was 25) killed himself last year. His suicide brought untold grief into my heart, but after a week or so I re-adjusted my view on his chosen action, as every time I’d think of him, I’d have this sensation of indescribable happiness and peace. And I realised that if he’s happy, then I should be happy for him too.
A few weeks ago I felt I can’t cope with the personal problems in my life, and I started planning my own suicide in earnest. I was going to execute my […]
AT THE TIME I FELT:
1. I’m an incompetent and pathetic loser who has ruined his life and will never change because of his own laziness
2. I don’t give a fuck about other people or what they may think or feel , not even those who love and care for me. All I care about is satisfying my own sense of personal justice.
3. All I can think about is how much I hate myself and my existence. The ultimate self-punishment is suicide. These thoughts are driving me nuts and will continue unless I decisively end it NOW.
MY TIMELYÂ EPIPHANIES:
1. I CHOOSE to judge myself the way i […]
I was in a large city on a sunny day. It was warm, but there was a cool breeze. I was walking through the park with someone I loved and saw a flower. It was beautiful and I said, “Wait here.” I went to pick it for her and as I pulled up the flower the ground beneath me shattered like glass. I fell into a pit. The pit was obsidian lined with black diamond. It was round and polished so that I could see the surface in the reflections on the walls. I saw the people I cared about shake their heads and walk […]
The dire need of feeling pain, my mind no longer being sane,
Deep down inside, I feel as if I’ve died,
With each breath, I wish a quick death,
As I lay on the ground, without a sound,
With a reach of my hand, I gave into my internal demands,
Raising it to shine in the light, it gleamed as evil as the night,
With a cry, tears fell from my eyes,
The need for pain was driving me insane.
Gripping the sharp metal tight, I pushed down with all my might,
The stinging sensation, fueled my temptations,
Line after line, far from fine,
Push came […]
I’ve browsed this site on numerous occasions and it is a comfort to realize that I am not the only person out there that feels like I do. I am almost 39 y o, married, I have 5 children of my own (whom I do not have custody of which is a long story) and 2 step sons. I love my kids, my husband, my family. I am not what you would call “depressed” as much as “desperate”. I am a homemaker (which is a nice way of saying I am unemployed and unemployable, again, another long story) and our family is subsisting off of […]
                                                                                My Heart
                                                   My heart is beating at extraordinary speed
                                                 The firey stinging sensation tearing me apart
                                                                            im screaming
                                                                                 im crying
                                                                     the pain will not stop
                                                                         i hear the sirens
                                                                   echos of rushing humans
                                                                    they’re here for me
                                                               i hear banging on my door
                                                              i wish i’ve never locked itÂ
                                                  for a split second the comotion stops
                                                                          i hear a thud
                                                 vibrations running throughout my feet
                                                           i see them running to me
                                                                        i feel cold
                                                           i drop the knife as i fall
I can’t talk to my friends about my depression because they all gossip so much, and they don’t care. I am so sick and tired of being lonely. My friends ignore me, and I treat them with so much dignity and respect. I really do, outside this site I exhibit enormous self-control. I only let loose my emotions on this site because I consider it a safe space to do so, and in some warped way I feel more comfortable posting to a community of people who always feel this close-to-suicide sensation like me. Anyways, It’s late, so forgive my poor grammar. Venting on this […]
Chapter Two of my story, which began with, “On Wednesday Night, I broke.”
On Friday, December 2, I attempted suicide. I hung myself by my neck with a cable TV coax strung through a metal shelf. I failed, because I was startled by an unexpected sensation of falling. I told my wife, and she called my mother, and the two of them put me on a sort of informal “suicide watch”. This is what happened after that.
On Sunday, my mother came over and spent most of the day with me. She’s a former cop and detective sergeant in the […]
I canceled my next appointment with my shrink. I feel as if I’ve given up on myself already. I started cutting again and it feels amazing to wake up from such blankness. That apathy, mind over matter. However, the tolerance is already building; fast this time. I’m already running the cuts under hot water for the extra wake up sensation.
What is it about our society that makes us fear and hate death so much? We are brainwashed, conditioned to value life and disapprove of death.
Maybe it’s because we are born selfish and our actions are primarily done in self interest. For example, let’s say I […]
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