Suicide mission resume. I took my last shot at a bearable miserable existence and missed. I can get out of here now.
Did I plan on being dead by now? Yes.
Am I ready? Yes.
Then I got the phone call. A shot at a job in my field. I have to take it.
It was easier when I could add up all the pain. The lifelong depression, the disconnection from relationships, the alien-like quality of being in my own body and mind, and to top it off: my career at a standstill.
It made it perfect timing to leave.
This job won’t make me happy. I already know the routine. Nothing will ever make me want to live.
But if I get this, maybe I can muddle through a little while longer for my family’s sake. They mean the world to me and I would hate to ruin them.
Now that I may not be forced into a corner, I can really think about this.
Might as well give it a go. Death will always be waiting.
In September, my uncle died.
In December, my cousin shot himself in the head.
In March, my dads friend died.
Two months inbetween each. Everyone is dying. I just keep wondering, who will be next? Will it be me? I wouldn’t mind if it was.
I’m tired of wishing I had ended it. I’m tired regretting the past with no future to look forward to. No one will ever care for me. I’ve led a life of such remarkable insignificance the bitterness and anger are becoming harder to control. One shot could have solved my problems. But I’m as weak now as i was then. I don’t belong in any conceivable way. I welcome death if ever it mercifully delivers me from this pain. I get it I’m inept socially. I’m incompetent to anxious/depressed/tired to work on things that I need to. I’m ugly and fat and poor and every 5 seconds I need a reminder. I’m not religious enough or too religious by believing in a form of god at all. I don’t fit in any cliques irl or the net. I shouldn’t be born. I never wanted to be here. I don’t have social media i don’t have friends. I don’t have self control enough to not eat poison. I have to rant here every few days basically rewording the same post over and over and over again. I just want some measure of peace and belonging.
I literally have nothing left to live for. My last hope for my future is gone now. My clock is ticking down to the last seconds. I want this pain to just leave me alone, just for a little while. I’m so tired of being in pain… If there was ever a shot at happiness for me, it’s long gone now. It’s gone, just like my dreams.
Has anyone heard from either PessimisticWallflower or Remembrance?
I doubt it, since I can’t get in touch, but…Worth a shot.
Today I lost a friend.
Not even a few hours ago.
I saw him the other day, smiling.
Today, he shot himself.
Today people cried.
But I didn’t.
My thoughts were, maybe now he can smile, maybe now he isn’t in any more pain.
All I know for a fact is… that today, I lost a friend.
don’t try to act like we’re pals. i don’t even know you. who the fuck do you think you are, waltzing into my life all of a sudden? you fucking stranger. you’re not welcome. i bet you think you bring redemption upon me. well it’s too fucking late for you. you were never around when i needed you. now you can politely go fuck yourself. don’t act like you’re a big shot. you’ve had your whole life to make everybody hate you. now suffer. and stay away from my new family or i’ll cut you to pieces i swear. i’ll fucking kill you.
I told you that you have a real shot. I don’t have to tell you that I’ve changed. I think you’ve already seen it and felt it. I think you know it deep down. You feel that I want nothing from you other than you to out live me by one more day. If he is your best shot at carrying you through to tomorrow than I’m his biggest fan. I’m man enough to admit that we’ll never work out or be the same as we were. Sure, its painful, but seeing hope arise in your eyes even for one more minute is worth a thousand eternities in my hell.
When you’ve lost it all and Death comes a’knockin’ you see what really matters in this life. I lost myself in a flurry of unbalanced neurotransmitters and inordinate emotional pain and an incessant rage that I shot every which way at anyone close by. After the dust and my mind has settled into this depressed state I’ve come to grips with who I was before all this pain. Found my heart underneath the grime and it’s still gold. I’ve gotten most of my affairs in order — with my website up and running, and a basic youtube tutorial video, and buying my grandmothers some flowers for christmas on their grave stones. I want them to know I’m coming soon.
I never told you this but you taught me what real love looks like. You fought my disease for two years. If there was something in this life close to unconditional love — it was you. I feel like I’m just beginning to feel that for you now — little too late — but I want to thank you for all you taught me, darlin’. You’re all that matters to me at this point. I’m so lucky to have met you. I just wanna see you smile even if its not me that does it.
Im freakn losing it… Again
My mind is shot.. I cant deal
I just dont want to live anymore
Hello everyone! I hope your Sunday I’d going well. I just wanted to say that if your day isn’t going great, then talk to someone. It doesn’t even have to be about what’s getting you down, just talk to someone who makes you happy. I find that there are certain people who just cheer me up just by being them. If you know of a person like that, I encourage you to talk to them. And if for any reason you don’t have a person like that, talk to me! My email is in my bio description thingamadoohickey. I’ll talk to you (:
I know this isn’t very good advice. I’ve never been good at it. But talking to people and hearing them out is the only thing I’ve ever been able to do. So I know the advice isnt the best, but just give it a shot. My email is in my bio
Lies and begging for sympathy!!!
posts a long rant about me trying to make it sound like I’m crazy when I’m hurt by his avoiding me since he moved to the city and has his thin and popular friends around again, yet he will not allow me to post what I feel on facebook!
constantly posts shot like this to get sympathy from friends and family, who never knew about me for the whole time I was helping him out with everything. Always posts this shot saying no one likes him, he can’t get anyone, nice guys finish last bullshit when I have loved him since I met him
By the way he sits on his ass plenty
I helped him when he had no one and needed money and a friend
I can’t show you locations but he says he doesn’t have bus fare to see me ever again and tells me to not put money on the card for him and I get an email about the status of my card and he put $20 on it. Also he said game was not happening today and the last few bus rides are him taking the fucking busses out to the suburb where game is!!!!!!!!!!
Now who is emotionally immature?!?! The fucking asshole that doesn’t want to be friends with someone who spent at least a couple thousand bucks on you out of good will because I’m too fat and ugly to stand being around!!!!!!
WARNING: THIS INVOLVES SCREAMO, ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.
This song made me cry the other night, of course I have no right to cry. I have no right to be forgiven after what I did, but that ‘s besides the point. This is for all of you who do deserve a shot, and a second chance.
at the psyche ward I went to, I actually gave humanity one more shot. What a fucking idiot I was. Couldn’t I see from past experiences what was going to happened? All these “friends” rejected me in Facebook and never returned my calls. To think I could have friends. Fuck them! last night I ripped up there phone numbers and decided to put myself back into self imposed isolation. Humanity is a god damn sham, a lie. For some people women and friends fall into there laps, me asking for a relationship or friendship is like asking a homeless man to break into a jewrey store and give all the goods. Humanity is one fucking lie and a sick joke.
it seems so easy
no more pain
just one little step
and your life becomes in vain
it’s just so tempting
no more sarrow
a couple of pils
and no tomorrow
it seems about right
no more suffering
just one little cut
and no more fighting
its just so soothing
no more contest
just one quick shot
and your finally at rest
just jump off the bridge
across the river of life
lights out forever blind
but what of the hurt
of those you leave behind
I want to be shot but I don’t want to die. I don’t want to end up paralyzed either. I am in a financial bind so I don’t have any money to pay you. Here’s my story: I’m utterly depressed. People tell me I’m too beautiful to be so sad. I’m 26 and everyone says I look just like Sarah Hyland. … In fact that’s all they seem to notice. No one knows how intelligent I am because they can’t get past my looks. My face seems to be all anyone cares about… They don’t want to know they real me. And when people finally get to know what I’m really like they get intimidated and tend to flee. I know it sounds crazy but I’ve been depressed for most of my life because of how I’m judged on my appearance. For years I’ve spent so much time daydreaming about my death to a point to where I now find comfort in it. The thing is, as much as I want to, I can’t die… Not yet. I can’t hurt my family. It’s a difficult problem to live with but I feel I have a solution. … To feel close to death. To know the impact of being shot. To be injured and afraid, but without consequence. I feel like this experience could help me get past my emotional damage. I would not want to see your face (i would ask you to wear a mask) and I would not want to know your real name. I would chose a location without security cameras or witnesses anywhere in the vicinity. And I would also give you plenty of time to leave the scene before calling an ambulance. Through this pain may my heart finally heal. Please help me in my conquest to freedom.
My father shot himself on December 27th 2007 i was 12 its been seven and a half years since that day. Every day i wake up and wonder why what could’ve possessed him to do it. What could i have done to stop it was it my fault was i not good enough for him.
At least that way my death could be a little more interesting than, “He got back from visiting family all Summer and promptly shot himself in the head.”
All I’ve got to do is make it ’til the end of August, then I’ll be back in CA with my crossbow and I can just hike into the woods and be done.
So I start my position as assistant manager today and I just did a shot of heroin in front of the cameras. It’s sad that a hardcore drug addict has a better work ethic than all of these normal people. I feel bad when I get promoted over people that have been with the company for years and I havent even been here a year.
I watched a video of a man killing himself today.
He was some American politician that was accused of something and the day before his trial he called a press conference and shot himself on live TV.
I should have looked away and turned it off, but I watched it over and over again.
I should have been horrified by the violence but I was amazed by how quickly it was over for him.
This can’t be a good sign.