I thought I was past this, I thought she was gone, or at least frozen for a while.
I’d been content (never happy) for a while, but all suddenly again the world is dark.
It makes me cry to look at my face, to look at my body, gives me hope when i cause myself pain,
each thought containing something that may lead to happiness is tainted.
Each opportunity handed to me, each gift of love shared with me I care little for and ruin.
I feel worthless, I feel ashamed, this is the 19th night in a row i’ve cried.
Im so much more ugly when I cry too.
God why does every pleasure end in pain.
I can remember I was once happy, but I cant remember what it feels like,
the memory is like watching a pirate movie, the screen is blurred and the sound muffled.
This world now is dark and quiet. Yet the silence is so loud.
I need to purge and cut and get rid of all this hate.
“She is back now, she has consumed my soul again, though she drowned the good in me,Â I still call her friend.”