I’m the kind of person that you would never expect to be suicidal. The kind that’s not afraid to admit to it if confronted about it. I walk around everyday with a smile on my face. I don’t like being comforted. I have unique problems that only I can deal with. I’ll just hold it in until I have some inevitable breakdown. I enjoy helping people with their issues, yet I will never discuss my own. I haven’t been beaten nor raped or molested. My name has never been slandered socially, but I suffer a much deeper pain… no, torment. One the is steadily progressing and is never going to […]
Tag:
Smile On My Face
There is someone who bullies me. Someone who teases and taunts and tortures me. That bully is me.
No matter what I do, I notice a flaw in me. I’m stupid, ugly, fat, and friendless. No one listens to me. I doubt my parents even care about me. Whenever I try talking to them, they don’t even bother to understand my problems. I can’t talk to my brother. He has autism and wouldn’t understand anything. My ‘friends’ are fake, as fake as a Barbie doll. No matter how hard I try in school, there are always people who do better than me. I hate comparing myself […]
I feel like something is wrapped around me suffocating me but I can still breath. I can barely walk talk Hear see I can barely move at all. It takes everything I have to put a smile on my face and move and walk around at school but that takes alot of energy and I can’t keep that up for more than 30 min. at a time. I am not hungry. So I’m not eating. And yet I am still a fat b****. What I described above is what I feel: numb. I feel numb I feel broken I feel like there isn’t much […]
I’m ready to go but I’m afraid of what’s on the otherside. A soul set free? Or a soul still held captive? Not afraid of doing the deed, afraid of not completing it. Erasing the past, present, and future. Redo the equation and count me out. This emptiness has completed it’s mission. Time for me to go. The ground I’ve stepped on too many times is calling my name and it sounds so sweet. Going without a fight, and a smile on my face. Happiness. The lost ingredient of my life.. Found. One last memory written on paper. A whisper goodbye and her soul […]
Dear Shekiera,
I words can’t possibly express how much I miss you, everyday I think about you, sometimes with a smile on my face and other times with tears. I remember the first time I met you, you were grade one and I was in grade two. we were both shy, socially awkward and got along great because we didn’t have to say alot to have a good time. back in grade two I can’t remember exactly what we would talk about, but I remember that we used to walk around and talk about “what if’s” and “when I’m older I’m going to’s”. You see, Shekiera, […]
They say it gets better, and that it won’t last forever. But  I wonder when it will start for me?
It started 3 years ago. I had heard my parents fighting, and then my dad put a gun to his head and he said no one would care if he pulled the trigger. But his 12 year old daughter was watching from the doorway, and to her it mattered very much. I never told him I saw that, so he can’t understand how much that messed me up. That year was already bad. I was bullied for my weight and I’ve never really gotten over that. […]
Most of the time I feel permanent. Not like immortal or anything, but more timeless. Fixed, I guess you could say. Because of this, I’m not easily afraid of anything, even death.
Once I was out with some friends at a restaurant. I can’t even remember exactly what was said, but a friend of mine said something that humiliated me in front of everyone. Now, there are a few emotions which my brain simply cannot process and my body simply cannot contain. Shame is one of them. I stood up, walked out, and cold late autumn air immediately began to burn my bare arms. I didn’t know […]
Everyone has troubles. It’s life. Everyone endures bullshit from time to time. Though some, in fact, are worse than others. I’ve never told anyone any of this before. And to be honest, I’m scared. I’m afraid of being judged. Of being misunderstood in my story. But I’ll tell you.
Here goes nothing.
I’m seventeen years old, and a senior in high school. I’ve always made decent grades, and am well liked by most people. I’m the funny chunky girl. Here’s the catch. I’m dying on the inside. I feel so.. broken. So lost. And to be honest, I’ve felt this way for years. I put a smile […]
I am not much of a social person.
Yes normally, I do tend to be on my top guard.
It is only when I think I am in love, then I do tend to loosen up my guard, but just a bit.
I am more of a complexed; frustrated person. I am more of an emotional kind of lover.
I overprotect friends who tends to be in harms way, if not, I still have the habit to.
When I loosen up my guard, I am usually a day dreamer.
I am usually a quiet person who just preplans and happily thinks about her future.
Yes I tend to get over the top at times.
Not […]
There is a smile on my face but it is so fake.
There is laughter in my voice It is forced, i must not cry.
There is a hop in my step put there when i remember.
I wear this costume everyday, i feel so stupid.
But only i know how i feel be cause no one else can be allowed to be hurt or troubled with my issues. I am a healer. If the healer gets sick people will die. So i soak up the poison and drink the antidote. But i wish there was no antidote…
All my life all I have ever wanted to do was fit in and make friends but for some reason it just could never happen. I apparently scare people with my looks. I naturally look angry but anyone who talks to me more then 5 minutes knows that I am not angry. Lately I have been sad and angry. I got my 1st kiss a few days ago but it was nothing.  There is a girl who is like my cousin but she is not (Uncle married her mom, they got divorced.) and I made a bet with her.  I won the bet and she kissed […]
Everybody is sad
But no body cries.
everybody is down.
but all they do is lie.
everybody laughs smiles and hugs
but nobody loves.
everybody giggles
everybody is shyÂ
but deep down everybody
is breaking down and crying.
everybody sleeps and goes off into there dreams
but no body sees the kids who cry themselves to sleep.
Dreams are your utopia! The place you wanna stay
but when you wake up you wish your life away.
Going to school a hard thing to do,Â
especially with friends who don’t care what you do.
You’ve told them your down but they don’t care
they just sit there and stare at you blankly because
what your going through, they don’t understand.
Its hard to live
but its […]
I can’t do it anymore. I’m just fucking tired. I’m tired of having to wake up everymorning and pretend that everything is okay. People say that in not alone, then why do I feel like I am alone? I just hate everything. People judge me and they don’t even know a thing about me or half the things I’ve been through. I just want to get away from everything…just away from the world. Months past and I still feel the same way. They say everything will get better soon, years has past and it’s gotten worse. The pain has gotten worse. I try putting a […]
today I feel incredibly weak. I’m trying to get on track by forcing myself to eat and work out and keep busy but today I feel like I’m staring at the finish line, hesitating to cross it.
Work is tedious, there’s too much of it, keeps me overly busy. Leaves me with large gaps of time to think about the idea of working and how stupid it is for me to be doing it considering that I want my life ended.
I think the same thing about my life; why bother, because I don’t want any of this? I don’t want to save my game, but just […]
I’m writing this on my phone because I am in school and it is lunchtime and I feelunbelievably depressed and there is nobody here I can talk to in this way… Anyway, I feel possessed with the desire to jump from a top floor window, to cut myself all the way up my arm and to just curl up in a ball for hours and scream. I want to scream and shout and just cry for a long time, but I can’t. I can’t do these things because I am at school and nobody here knows how deeply depressed I feel a lot if the […]
I am living to make people happy, I’m known as the colorful rainbow who brightens up the day where ever i go,I try to make everyone happy so im always smiling and im nice to everyone and when ever anyone needs advice they come to me. I remember when i was so depressed and suicidal and used to self-harm all the time but i don’t do that anymore, now i look at the workd differently it’s like one morning i woke up and realized there was nothing to be sad about,there was nothing to hate. Whenever j was really low i would always remember “there […]
As i sit here i am playing “Born to Be Somebody” by Justin. Ive been listening to it for about 30 minutes now. ive never been one who’s into his music, but this song is helping me with my broken wings.
I am so tired, emotionally drained, mentally exhausted, just everything in me is tired. I wake up each and everyday and i plant a smile on my face. what else can i do? i was born into a family of strong christian faith and this, my feelings, my broken wings are not acceptable. So i hide. Smiling in my mother’s face like a hypocrite, laughing […]
Most days I wake up with a fake smile plastered on my face. It’s like my own little lie to the whole world because I’m afraid they would know my thoughts. I guess it started when I was little because my dad got really sick he was the only one who understood me. He died in 2010. My mom is the type of person who literally runs from problems with out realizing how much that effects me. She’s never one to tell me that she loves me instead she tells me what others say about me. Around my friends I paste a smile on my […]
I don’t like challenges. I don’t like obstacles. I don’t like trying for something unless there’s a guarantee. I don’t like vague goals that sound like monthly horoscopes.
However, life is full of challenges and obstacles. And now I’m getting the impression that somehow, the idea is that overcoming these obstacles is supposed to be one’s goal in life; that I’m supposed to strive to better myself and I’ll be all the better for it.
But, I’m a risk-averse person. I don’t like challenges. I don’t like obstacles. I don’t like trying for something unless there’s a guarantee. […]
Just saying, but I never really was into poetry. I’m sorry if I say things wrong, have horrible grammar or any other mistakes as I am currently high on weed.
Now then, with that cleared up, I’d like to bring back what I might talk about right now. I am absolutely in love for my cousin and want to be with her. My friend finally hooked me up with the hubby bars I wanted as you can see. I hate the poetry on here.
Since weed is considered a truth serum (used in the 1920’s by cops on mobsters to find all the drug […]