What do you like about SP? Why do you stay on this site versus other sites, or meeting other people IRL?
Hey SP, I am still alive and these are the reasons why I didn’t end my life.
- The support and advice from people, and not people like friends and family, but you, the ones on SP, and for that, THANK YOU!!!
- Belief in high power and I believe there is a reason for everything
- And the fear of failing. Failing of ending my life because if I fail, then I will be judged by everyone who knows me.
- I’m not going to get depression, death and evil in my life win this fight,
I made a Kik specifically for you guys here on SP. Just in case anyone ever needs or wants to talk, vent, rant, etc privately, it’s anoynomus and I’ll get back to you as quickly as I can. Just so you know I’m here for all of you, whether I know you or not. The username is haileeonsp. Have a lovely night guys.
This is SP theme song : dear agony by breaking ben
I’ve been on SP for a few months now and one thing I’ve noticed is some people stick around for a while. …others just post once or twice and poof, they’re gone. Maybe things got better or they just got bored or dead. Who knows. I always have the hope that things got better but when I found this place I was not in a good space in my head. I guess I wanted to say thank you to anyone who’s spent the time to chat with me about anything. I appreciate all the words and music and art. We have a good group going here.
I don’t know how many of you are Star Trek DS9 fans, but this scene is both dark AND humorous. It reminds me of SP, sort of. 😉
Fist things first. Since this is a tale of redemption it needs a soundtrack. What better than Cordless’s ode to HDS:
Now for the tale…
Last May I was at the pet store buying kibble or something related to cats when I found myself staring at the feeder tank. For those folks unfamiliar with feeders they are these little goldfish that are sold to feed to other fish. They are considered throw away fish. I stood there for fifteen minutes watching these little fish swim around, crowded, frantic. They didn’t know their own fate, they only knew the tank they resided in, and by association, the other fish that crowded their lives.
Fast forward an hour and I was standing at my kitchen counter pouring my new tiny feeder fish into a tiny 1 gallon tank. It was an old used tank I dug out from under the counter. The light was blown but the filter still worked and within ten minutes I had my new rescued companion settled into its new home. The family always enjoy having extra members to gawk at and for the next four months or so they intermittently discussed said fish, remarked on how it was so tiny and how nice it’s tiny tank on my kitchen counter was. On and off they argued about names, never really settling on a name everyone could agree on. Finally they struck on a compromise that said fish would have three names. That is a lot of name for one tiny golden feeder fish.
January rolled around and I found myself looking at my tiny fish friend. I thought to myself more than once what a fantastic companion. Still, keeping captive animals bothers me if they don’t have an enriched environment so I thought “welp tiny golden feeder fish who has three names, you haven’t died yet so let’s get you some better surroundings” so I set about enriching my tiny fish companions habitat. I replaced the lightbulb and purchased some live plants. The folks I live with decided it needed a friend so we purchased a tiny mystery snail to clean the tiny tank for the tiny fish. After a week I looked at the tiny fish tank and thought, “yes I have done some good in this world, this tiny fish, whose fate was to be some other fish’s meal, has a chance at a really good life”. The family got really involved putting the fish on a regimen of feedings three times daily and one member even trained the fish to do a begging dance of sorts in the morning in anticipation of a few flakes of food.
Fast forward three weeks ago. I hadn’t checked on my tiny friend a great deal, as the other folks I live with had taken over feeding, training and enriching this creature’s environment. This was when I realized that my tiny friend was approximately twice the size it was the previous October, or even the past January. The fish in fact seemed to have tripled in size in the past six weeks. In fact this fish was so big it needed a new tank.
So I found myself at Petsmart today, with a new tank in hand, this one a three and a half gallon tank. I also had some new aquatic plants for my not so tiny friend. And I thought, what was it that made this fish grow so much? Up until January it had all it really needed, fish wise that is. Light, food, water. But it remained tiny, in its little tiny tank. Then it dawned on me. The fish started becoming happy and was accepting the things it needed to grow. Companionship, sunlight and a purpose. A feeling of belonging to something more than its tiny fish world, that it was part of a greater world outside of its tiny fish tank.
I thought to myself what a fantastic metaphor for my life and the folks lives here at SP. Our tiny tank here at SP. Some chose to remain small little fish and are happy that way. Their needs are met and they exist in the tiny tank daily. For a few though, they start having things added. Maybe they didn’t ask for it, certainly my tiny friend was content enough to watch me from the safety of its little tank. Watch me daily as I cooked pasta or fried up bacon. But when things got added to its tank, good things, positive things like the light, the tiny mystery snail, some beautiful plants, it couldn’t help but grow. Sometimes we grow even if we don’t realize we are doing it.
So we at SP, we are the fish. We can chose to grow or not grow. Like my little fish we can remain content in our little bowl or take chances and trust that the people interacting with us in a positive manner may help us grow. We may grow so big we no longer remain in this little tank. But if we are lucky our nice owner will put us in a new tank with our little mystery snail friend for company. The tank is bigger for sure, and the light is nicer but we have our little snail friend and the family that interacts with us continues to smile at us as we watch them cook dinner or discuss what new plant to put in our tank.
Each of us at certain times in our lives were considered throwaway feeder fish. I don’t think any one of us doesn’t have a tale of being considered human trash or pointless meatsacks hogging up oxygen, even if the person accusing us of such crimes was only ourselves. But if we are lucky some random event takes us out of the feeder tank and allows us some breathing room to grow. We don’t grow immediately, growth takes time, but when we start trusting and learning to believe there are things outside our tank that are wonderful, it is then that we can start to believe we aren’t throwaway feeder fish residing in an overcrowded tank at Petsmart, but a much loved companion with a little mystery snail for company.
Love yourself, be kind to yourself.
It’s that time of night again, when I am wide awake and all the rest of you are asleep.
SP is so quiet I can hear the sound of my disturbing thoughts rattling around like a tin can in a dark alley. The alley everyone knows you need to stay away from if you value your safety.
So many of us have been gone lately.
I miss AlanOminous, I miss ToTrees, I miss Mf.
I miss those of us who have gone, possibly gone forever.
And I wonder how much longer I can hang on before I join them, wherever they are.
(*throws post into the empty dark alley, where the clatter grows fainter as everyone remains asleep*)
Hello. Lately I’ve been feeling less like a piece of shit than usual. However, I’m positive that I’ll have a freak out sooner or later. Since I’ve been on SP for a week I might as well talk about the first and only time I’ve ever attempted suicide. And by that I mean a half-baked attempt that would have just landed me in the hospital with a stomach ache or not even that. So this was a few years ago and my depression was the worse it had ever been. My parents had just got done yelling at me for a $20 dollar fee I never followed up on. I was scared and I just wanted to die. They went out of the house for something that I can’t really remember. So I was crying and I got this idea in my head. I opened the drawer to find baby aspirin. That’s right baby aspirin. I even remember thinking “Is this even going to kill me?” I checked on the back and it said “If more than 5 are consumed at a time, it might result in kidney failure.” So I just shrugged and took the bottle to my room. I got a huge glass of water, which probably would’ve diluted the aspirin, and a huge handful of baby aspirin. I held it up to my mouth and had tears streaming down my face and snot dripping from my nose. In the end I wimped out and put the bottle with the aspirin back. I just laid on my bed and cried myself to sleep. Well that’s it. I doubt my slightly ok mood will last long. Thanks for listening.
What I did while in a dark ugly pit for four days:
— After not eating for a whole day, parked in the cemetery and listened to THIS until the sun went down. It’s my number one dark-pit-of-depression song because the warped ugliness is so obvious, and the video is bizarre.
— Took what I hoped was a lethal dose of Tramadol. Didn’t receive a lot of SP notice and ended up deleting the post, figuring I might as well go on my own. Also deleted the previous post about leaving a suicide note. No comments on that one anyway. Considered driving with a brain full of Tramadol and speeding into a tree at 75mph.
With my luck, seeing double (or triple or quad), I would have sped into the wrong tree and ended up in the middle of somebody’s field.
I could just imagine it:
Approaching Farmer: What seems to be the problem, little lady?
Me: I seem to be sinking into your field.
Farmer: That seems mighty unfortunate, seen’s how I just finished fertilizing it this afternoon.
Farmer: And other things, yep.
Me: Can I borrow your shotgun?
— Went home.
— Woke up.
I have about 80 Tramadol left.
I like the fact that Tramadol rhymes with “Damn It All”.
I am still not okay.
Unitato: Sui, what are you doing?
Sui: I’m making something Unitato :3
Unitato: Oh god what are you making?
Sui: Hehe carpet angels or maybe carpet burritos I honestly really don’t know
Sui: Nooooo its not facepalm you’re a Unitato….
Unitato: Oh yeah then what is it called then Sui?
Sui: Hehe facepotato *rolls around*
Sui: Bruh do Unitato’s fart rainbows?
Unitato: I’m part potato what do you think I fart Sui?
Sui: I don’t know? Rainbow potatoes?
Unitato: You’re overtired Sui you need to go back to bed.
Sui: I don’t wanna
Unitato: *pokes sui with a stick* Please go to bed I don’t think the people of SP wanna deal with you’re tiredness.
Pikachu: *uses thunderbolt on Sui*
ZAP BING BANG BOOM CRASH…….
Sui: Great now I’m a fried overtired bundle of cuteness/tiredness -.-
I need help seriously look at me XD fml
So I told a friend abut my family problems. I don’t know if it was good or bad to. We were talking about our lives and things going on and it slipped out… She didn’t say anything to comfort me which I wished she did because it’s still quite a new pain. But she talked to me how she is going through some semi-similar stuff too. In the end, I don’t know. I regret mentioning it kind of. I’ve only mentioned it on SP and it feels weird to have actually talked it out. Anyways how is everyone else? I hope everyone is doing well, much care is sent to anyone and everyone.
(In case sportsnut doesn’t realy. This is a timed post and will post automatically on its own.)
Good bye sportsnut.
I love you,
Hazy day sunflower,
Notinterestedinlife (pretty pandarian princess),
I’m not meant to be, so good bye. Do what you all do best. What ever it be. Don’t worry, I wont be around. Stay strong, even if that doesn’t mean a thing.
Please pass this on.
From the finger tips of Beau.
(Could you copy and past every thing above these parentheses and post it on SP for me, I trust you. Make the title Beaubri. Good bye sportsnut you’re amazing, stay strong, keep on moving.)
When I got laid off in January I quit all my psych meds except for occasional Xanax for job interviews. I thought I was finally helping myself after years of being a zombie. I was proud of myself and thought the hardest part was over. Wrong. I saw my shrink yesterday and told her I still suffer from extreme nausea and only Xanax and getting drunk makes it go away. She pointed out that my hands were also shaking. She then pointed out the obvious that I have been in denial of. I’m an alcoholic and when my body isn’t drunk or medicated I now get physically ill. So today starts day one of my sobriety. Another uphill battle for me to fight just when I thought the worst fighting was over. I really don’t know how to face the empty void that is my life sober. My life is a wasteland and I have no reasons to live never mind struggle with this one. I wish to God I had a better method so I could escape. I’m scared, lonely, afraid, nauseous. Well I’ll stop rambling now. I had to type this twice because the first version got deleted and now I am tired. I hope everyone out there in SP land has a good day. I’m thankful that this sight exists so at least we have a place to express our fears.
Honestly, I don’t drink much at all, and I haven’t had anything in years because it’s not really my favorite thing, but lately I feel like I want to have just one night of drunken misery/celebration/reveling.
I’m in the middle of coming to terms with certain issues, certain people, and certain unsavory truths, so dammit, I would like to drink myself stupid for one night.
When I do this, I will post on SP throughout the evening so you can all see me at my weirdest. (Because what are friends for, right?)
In the interests of good manners, I will try to keep most of it contained on one post instead of splattering my boozy breath everywhere on the screen.
But who knows what will actually end up happening.
When I drink in a good mood, then I’m usually the happy giggly one. Stupidly fun and willing to laugh at almost anything.
When I’m in a bad mood, that’s when I’m either (1) sullen and dark and angry or (2) Saying WAAAY too many things I should probably have kept my mouth shut about.
I’ll let you know when I’ve started.
There’s a possibility it might be tomorrow evening, if I can get the laptop to connect like it should.
So feel free to peek in and see me make a complete ass of myself.
If it’s too god-awful-embarrassing, maybe I’ll delete it the next day.
I promise nothing!
Bwa ha haaa.
UPDATE: As you can see from the comment section, I felt compelled to prove my nerdiness by reciting Pi out to 197 digits… singing them. (The next three digits are 555, so just count me as knowing 200 digits. That would be great.)
Please forgive my singing voice, it was almost three in the morning when I recorded it. Also pardon the fact that I consistently say “Oh” instead of “Zero”.
good night my SP family il leaving my email here if anyone what’s to chat advice or support don’t hesitate we all struggling here some more then others supports a good think and I love all u guys to Xxx stay strong to morrow the battle continues D
Today was scary Realised there is acutely people on here that might not be here tomorrow.that is scary and I don’t know I din’t understand that earlier. To wiskered-fish I was terrified that she might be gone today so young and so tortured and lost along with everybody in this world SP including myslef.
before loging on to Sp today I been feel extremely low and suicidal the most I have years . yesterday I honstly thought I should have cut deeper and left scars showed them all how fucked up I am I should have tried to kill myslef months ago. I should have cut so deep to end it all is all thought for the past two days.
My husband came home soaking wet he was upset and his car got stuck in pot hole in the rain . he want’s to get rid of his car usually not a big deal but he loves his car. He dreams of giveing it to his son and. Him getting rid of it because i can’t provide kills me. Its been breaking down on him slowly and it not a cheap car to fix to get in ok condition will be atleast 3,000$.
He sent me in the car to look to his phone.but I feel so useless and the source of everyone’s problem especially his . the past two days his look on his eyes towards me was just not right . I saw his anger and hatred and disappointment in them towards me . and when I was looking for this phone I stood there outside the wind was blowing and I felt it, end it now that will solve his problems he will move on he will keep his car. I will slove the headache I give my parents they will be sad and get over it. My inlaws will get there perfect daughter inlaw they want when he remarried. Do it walk in to the street the car go about 60 to 75 mph that should do it .but when I turned no cars it was red light so went back to the house and loged on.
To see a innocentt girl wanting to end it all. And it scared me. She has alot lufe ahead of her . so me being the hypocritical thought don’t do it.
When laying down in the street sounded amazing.
I wish there was a way to make everyone here happy to have peace in this. SP world I really do . so no one will use this site no more all this awful feeling would be gone and this site will be no loger needed .
I HOPE EVERYBODY GET’S THREW THE NIGHT SAFELY.
well apart from being able to feel physical pain today which is not really normal for me still shocked usually completely numb anyways struggled to get up and to college but I did but my teacher is saying basically if I pass the next test I will be done thank fuck but I really don’t no what to do with myself when I finish more time on my hands and mind isn’t good but I ain’t got no goals or plans no interests now what ? Like I said before I didn’t really plan living this long I’m a decade over due Now were is my path leading ?
Hand enough of walking blind
how’s everyone ? done my lil mental vent for the day