I’m staring at the new cut on my upper arm, and I’m numb. I’ve just finished writing a text so someone I thought I could trust, who chose a guy over my friendship, and I’m numb. I just dropped one of my courses, because I couldn’t handle a full-time course load, and I’m numb. Maybe I’ll never feel again. Or maybe tonight will be the night, and I won’t have to worry about the fact that my SSI will be there and gone on the 1st. Well, really, either way I’d never feel again. I think I’m out of […]
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Ssi
I’m female, 33. Married, 3 kids (b13, g11, g9), 2 dogs..and a cat who thinks he’s god. I’m a childhood abuse survivor. Physical, sexual and emotional.it was done to me, primarily by my mother. Didn’t have any siblings, father wasn’t around. It seems the sexual abuse hurt the most, though I know the emotional is always there as well. It’s that voice in the back of my head telling me that I’m stupid, fat, ugly, lazy, no one wants me, I’ll never amount to anything. I’m worthless, horrible. I’m only good for sex.
I’ve been a full time student since 2009, but had a breakdown this […]
Once when wanting to die I got ememensely drunk. Left what I couldn’t drink of my pay check on the bar and walked till I found a woods and found a wood pile and buried myself at the bottom. I didn’t want to die in a sudden gory way that was definitive. The worst on the people that knew me is that they would occassionally wonder where in the world I might be. The best is some wild life would have a good feast.
It would have made things easier now if I hadn’t woken up with the solitary need to get warm. I have been catapulted […]
Lately, I’ve been trying to determine if I was born broken or if my life made me this way.
I mean, I can go down the list of my life experiences and lay out a path of the things that seem to have lead up to the way I am now. But, might not a better person, with better DNA or a better soul or whatever you believe to be at the core of us, have reacted differently to the same kind of life. Maybe I’m just not meant to be well, or worthy or happy.
I can’t sleep much at all anymore. My mind just races […]
If you don’t know the short story, look it up…
I’m always alone, or left alone, the people that supposedly care about me, do absolutely nothing to stop this pain. I’m always told to move on with life. WHAT LIFE? I have nothing left, no way to continue education or getting a job, my credit was completely destroyed by my own school, and my education opportunity completely destroyed by my ex. They take everything from me, but I’m not allowed to be angry, or depressed?! They steal money and people’s lives, and I’m not allowed to do anything to fight back? Why do they get rewarded […]