staring at the wall
i drew a rainbow
i drew a horse
my arm bleeding
dripping onto the floor
just stand there
looking past the wall
Emotional vent.. Sorry I just went on and on, and its pretty much scattered.
I’ve lived a fucked up life since I was young, my parent’s always fought and never got along. I once touched them both at the same time when I was 17.. When I was just 8 my dad met my step mom, the worst thing to ever happen to me. For the next 4 years I was abused excessively.. I was so young I didn’t know what to do, I was too afraid to admit what was happening. It sucked so badly for everyone around you, who cared, to know what was happening and nothing being done about it. It’s hard for a kid so young to do anything about it, to agree anything is happening that shouldnâ€™t be. I truly thought this was okay and a normal way of life, maybe my mom and everyone around me was wrong. Maybe I deserved what was happening to me. I was young enough to be scared of a girl, so anything that was happening now didnâ€™t affect my life. I take it out on myself sometimes, more badly just because it wasn’t a guy abusing or beating me, it was a woman. I feel weak. I was beat, starved, put to work and still I was not good enough.. I tried to work as hard as an 8-12 year old could, being harassed for a drop of milk on the counter. Watching your brother be beaten with a bag of frozen steaks for virtually nothing at all. Shedding blood was nothing new to me, as this was frequent. I found myself staring at the wall 50% of my time. I’d come home and instantly be in trouble for nothing at all; forced into standing in the corner and facing the blank opened walls of my room. Plenty of time for judging myself and assuming I deserved this. Sometimes I wonder why me? I didn’t deserve any of this did I? I don’t know how a woman could be so heartless. Now 20 years old I’m re-living how cruel woman can be.. I’ve been heartbroken at age 17, as my son was just born by the girl who took my virginity. I was treated like shit, like someone who was a whore should be treated. I was back to being hit and ignoring it, constantly being reminded of my past abuse. I’d feel pathetic for flinching when people raised their hands, let alone when they hit me. I don’t understand why I was put into such a shitty relationship; I did everything for this girl. I waited 17 years of my life before giving into a sexual relationship, not that it wasn’t possible I was just born into a family filled with extremely sexual people, and I resented it. I was constantly seeing people get cheated on and it just always hurt. I watched my mom constantly cheat and it just scared me. I knew it was a feeling Iâ€™d never want to experience firsthand. I waited 17 years for this girl, I thought she must be the one; after being brainwashed into giving her a kid I realized it wasn’t something I wanted, it was something I thought I wanted and realized it too late. I knew she was a horrible girl, I just didn’t know any better at the time. I thought girls actually cared if you weren’t a cheater or a whore, I really thought thatâ€™s all girls cared about, if you were genuine you’d be safe from heart ache.. Instead I got an extreme awakening. I left her for the last time in January as my son was 2 months old. Next thing I know the man I kept from being kicked out of my house (My step-dads brother) was seen at my baby mamaâ€™s house. I felt a strong betrayal, as this wasnâ€™t just my step-uncle; this was my roommate and more like my brother. He was 25 and she was 16, sheâ€™s just playing games I thought to myself, she wants to isolate me from all my friends as Iâ€™ve lost them all to being with her already. I knew it was just to get at me, she wanted to take away a brother to hurt me for leaving her finally. I never thought sheâ€™d end up marrying this guy less than a year later.. I never knew sheâ€™d take my son from me after being there for 11 months from day 1, with a job everyday while she sat on her ass and did nothing.. my family bought everything for my son, she took it all as it was her son and she thought it all belonged to her now. Itâ€™s been almost a year I havenâ€™t seen my son now, I blame myself completely, I was 17 though, how was I supposed to deal with this? The thing that meant most to me was taken away from me. I felt sick in my heart, It was the most hated feeling Iâ€™ve ever endured and still endure. I just put all my time and devotion into a son for this long and it was ripped from me in 1 day. I let everything pile onto my shoulders, I assumed weâ€™d be back together and Iâ€™d see my son soon. The day never came, it just kept getting longer and longer between times I got to see my son. At first I didnâ€™t know my baby mama and step uncle were talking, I joked around about it to her, making accusations just to fight. To find out they got married disgusts me. How can anyone 9 years older than someone marry them? Not only that but someone at 16. It hurt me more, knowing there was a pedophile in the house with my son. Iâ€™ll never forgive myself for letting all the pain and responsibilities build on top of me and weigh me completely down until it seemed as if it was too late. I felt like I wanted to die, my own flesh and blood taken from me, because in Florida-law the mother has all rights to the baby unless their married. I finally got over her around 6 months later, but to this day still canâ€™t get over the son with her. Iâ€™m scared now to try and get custody as it would confuse him and I know he thinks my uncle is his dad. I just canâ€™t believe a girl who grew up with 1 parent out of the picture, who promised the world and more, could take away a parent from their own kid. She must get over it and let me one day see him. I thought. To this day I continue to hurt about my son. I constantly am depressed. I will never truly be happy without him. I finally found a girl of my dreams I thought, as of 3 months ago. She was amazing; I met her on 4th of July at the beach. She was so beautiful she looked like a Baywatch girl. I never saw such a beautiful girl in my life I thought. There just was something completely different about her. Shortly after I ran into her at a party I was having. I was struck with awe as how into the girl I was feeling. Iâ€™m a super shy person and I have extremely high walls built up which let nobody inside. Iâ€™m not at all an unattractive guy and Iâ€™m grateful for this, as I was a chubby kid in high school and changed that by myself, with my amazing genes. I have a problem throwing all the girls I meet into the friend zone, and all my girl â€œFriendsâ€ end up falling in-love with me basically and I have no control of that. Iâ€™m just very picky when it comes to anyone Iâ€™d consider being with. I have a kid to account for in the future. So I need someone I could see around my son, and someone up to my expectations still. I hate girls who put themselves out there; I canâ€™t stand girls who are always having sex with people. I hate sluts/whores basically. I have this strong feeling against them. I guess I donâ€™t hate them as lots of my friends are like this, I just despise of them. I personally never saw myself being with them intentionally. Iâ€™d easily be with some of them because of looks alone, but Iâ€™m not that type of guy. I get to know girls first and Iâ€™m good at judging the way people are. I guess the first girl I was with was like this, she was with 10 guys at age 15 when I met her. To me it didnâ€™t seem high as I was a virgin and used to my brother being with at least a hundred girls.. Then realizing it was a high number it ruined my relationship, I hated knowing I saved myself for some girl who just gave herself to 10 other people. It truly disgusted me. Anyways back to the girl of my dreams.. She had something different about her; she seemed older, more of my age and maturity. I later find out sheâ€™s only 18 and just drinks at bars because she is a female and guys let them get away with everything due to tits. It saddens me the way guys treat and look at girls, itâ€™s all like their hungry looking at a piece of meat. Iâ€™m so proud of myself for not being the 99% of people who would cheat, or treat a girl better because sheâ€™s a girl. I never buy girls drinks and such as it annoys me they should get everything for free and we men should pay for it. Yet women want equality; and were expected to buy everything for them. Donâ€™t get me wrong I love to buy stuff for girls. Iâ€™ll spend a grand on a girl just because of love and Iâ€™ll feel a kind of â€œHighâ€ just for spending my money on someone else. It makes me feel so good to give someone a gift, as I wasnâ€™t given hardly anything while living with my step-mom. I know what itâ€™s like not receiving gifts and I know what itâ€™s like to receive them. Sorry if my mind is scatter brained as Iâ€™ve been up for 2 days now and canâ€™t find myself to sleep due to depression. Iâ€™m trying to give a general back story to my life. Hopefully it isnâ€™t too confusing and you get the majority of how my life was set up for failure. Anyways this girl of my dreams and me hangout and end up making out one night. That day I knew something was different about her and I knew I found the one. I was currently depressed and resulting into self medicated treatment, on pain killers mostly. I went down a bad path for over a year due to the stress my baby mama caused. She truly wanted my life ruined and somehow I let her accomplished it. I put all this past me as I finally found a reason to be happy. I quit drugs completely for this girl within 2 weeks of knowing her. Iâ€™m not just talking about getting fucked up once in awhile, I was addicted to the little blue pill known as roxies. Basically heroine in a pill, like oxyâ€™s. Iâ€™d do about 100$ a day at the time, roughly 2 at a time, twice a day. It definitely helped the pain and suffering I had, but I find out later (OBVIOUSLY) it just ruined my life more. I went the next 2 weeks completely crazy as Iâ€™m withdrawing off multiple drugs, and just went on a 3 month binge of Molly (MDMA-ecstasy) every other night. I literally lost my mind and I couldnâ€™t believe this girl would put up with this. I also got jumped in an attempt to be robbed 3 grand by my own buddies and my ear drum was ripped. So I was half deaf, mumbled like crazy and was insane. This girl put up with this till I was normal again and we were never happier. Iâ€™ve only been happier one time in my life at this point; when my son was born. I thought we were golden, turns out were far from it. We start to argue, mostly me at first, Iâ€™d get jealous as she was a very attractive girl (I mean this as in I couldnâ€™t go to the bar or club without people stopping me and saying wow man good job). I let this eat me up.. All her â€œFriendsâ€ wanted to fuck her; she would tell me theyâ€™ve been down that road already, and its fine nothing will happen. It was just annoying to see a girl think she had guys figured out when all her so called friends were just there trying to get some *****. It drove me partially into a dick. Iâ€™ve always been that sweet caring person, and for once I was a straight dick to this girl. I think it was mostly due to being hurt so bad by my ex, and just knowing it would happen again. Although I actually trusted this girl, I would still constantly jokingly accuse her and what not. I finally realized this and started to work on fixing it. It was working I thought, then out of nowhere we started fighting in front of people. We never fought alone, as we were 2 peas in a pod. We got along perfectly and it was the relationship youâ€™d see them perfect married couple who youâ€™d just wish was you. I didnâ€™t get why this was happening. I just wanted us to stop fighting in front of her friends. Iâ€™d defend her and make her look like an angel to my friends. And she said she did the same; turns out now that we split up, I find out she has been making me look like an asshole to everyone. She said she does nothing but defend me to her friends, and I find out their just listening to her rant about me. Do girls need this much drama in their life I thought? Is TV taking a hold onto girls now and making them this immature? We finally split up after fighting and fighting, she thought she could be pregnant, and from the day we split up she partied every night but one night. Sheâ€™s been drinking and trying to find uppers to partyâ€¦ It really sucks to have a kid taken away from you, and to watch someone attempt to take away something that isnâ€™t even born yet. Itâ€™s not like we know sheâ€™s pregnant, itâ€™s that she is making me believe she is then goes and does this stuff. Itâ€™s so heart braking to see someone who tells you she lost a kid already and still is partying, just to get revenge and/or a rise out of me. To make me jealous how can one attempt to have a miscarriage? I thought these kinds of people didnâ€™t exist, especially not the one I was in love with. Is this really strike 2? I waited a year and a half for this girl since my baby mama, I went a year without sex and gave into this girl. Once again I feel like sex ruined everything, once people get what they canâ€™t have they just donâ€™t care. I donâ€™t know how I can cry my eyes out for hours on end every night for someone. Let alone have someone listen to it and not feel sympathy.. Did I mention both of my Ex’s were molested by their brothers while they were younger? Is this some type of coincidence or is this just how girls cry for attention? It disgusts me to think how someone could molest their own sister.. Idk why i’m forced to resent both of their brothers for the rest of my life, to hate them, and to live with knowing what happened to these girls, and nothing was done about it. Especially as the girl of my dreams has told nobody but me about this, I honestly think she needs help, I think this is one of the reasons she seems so heartless. She blames herself but she cried in my arms for hours as I told her its not her fault, she didnt know better.. Ect ect. She was 13 when this happened, her brother would have been 17. Can girls really screw with my head this bad, am I falling for this act?
Iâ€™m stuck back home, with a stepdad who hates me (I canâ€™t stand him either, young prick) and a mother who is disappointed in her â€œBetterâ€ son. I’m sick of being a disappointment to everyone around me. I just wanted to be happy for once. I just wanted life to be easy, and everything to be over with. I’m wondering why I even took the time to write that.. Sympathy I guess, if you can’t get it in life maybe you’ll get it online.. I’ve attempted suicide multiple times in the last year and a half, mostly drug overdoses. Sadly my tolerance wouldn’t allow me to go. I’m too much of a ***** to go in the next room over grab a gun and shoot myself out of this world.. I wish it was easy to just give up. I wish I could just close my eyes and not wake up anymore, with no more pain.. I wish my son didn’t have such a screwed up father. I wish I could protect him when laws forbid me to. Life’s a ***** and I’m just sick of being dealt bad cards..
I don’t even know why I’m here right now, I just don’t know what to doÂ anymore. I hear nothing but the same everyday,Â tedious, asinine commentary that hums along relentlessly. I have no one to talk to about anything remotely real or of any interest to me. I don’t care about anything; I just want this to be over.Â All I’m capable of feeling is misery, zombie-like boredom andÂ some fake short-lived ecstacy . I just have no appreciation for life; absolutely nothing makes me feel genuinely happy. I’ve lived my life in those brief moments, however fleeting, and once I come down I only feel worse than before. I just want to talk to someone who knows what it’s like to feel like an alien in your own body; who knows how it feels to sob to the point of breathlessness over absolutely nothing; who knows how it feels to lieÂ staring at the wallÂ for days unable find the will to move; who knows how it feels to be on topÂ of the world andÂ who knows what it feels like when you suddenly fall. I want to be able to say how I feel without sounding like a complete moron or a whiny little ***** but I don’t know what it’s like to feel human. I don’t care about anythingÂ becauseÂ nothing feels real.
Anyway…sorry for complaining, I’m very drained today :P. But I feel like I’ve built a family-I’ve-never-met here and since I can’t talk to anyone else, here I am. Hopefully I’ll be out soon and no one will have to listen to me anymore. For now I just don’t know.
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