tonight, is the night, that i will write a letter to my family and friends swallow the 3 bottles of prescription pills i have, lay down, and go to sleep. i feel at this point i will be happier in another place, i hope to be with god, i pray to him that i am sorry and that he forgives me for this. i have fucked up to much so much where i am just so lost as to where to turn to next. i feel so lost, like a bag drifting through the wind. i have thought about this for several days, i think it’s the best option for me. I will be free from all this at last.
#suicide #depression #alone
In my last post I talked about my ex-fiancee (gay male) who committed suicide after we broke up four years ago, I think if he knew how much it would hurt those he loved and left behind he never would of done it, but then I also understand that the pain he was going through in his mind was intolerable to him and he just wanted the pain to end…
I didn’t know my ex was suicidal, we had been together for a couple of years, I know he had PTSD and Anxiety, but I never knew about the depression…. before we broke up he cheated on me, I had my suspicions but I put my blindfold on because I loved him so much, then he told me he found someone else…
I was upset, betrayed, furious, angry, emotional, depressed and a panic attacked mess I broke up with him….
A week later I heard from him, I was hysterical and still quite a mess and grieiving that we should of spent our lives together and the family we often spoken about that we were going to have one day…. he told me he never should of cheated on me and he was sorry, I was numb by this point and I spoke without thinking… I told him to drop dead.
The next morning I received a phone call from his mother, all I can remember is falling to my knees.
I understand how he felt, now.. after four years of thinking, because that’s exactly how I felt in the months and first couple of years after he died, I just wanted the pain to end and option of suicide just slowly grew stronger and stronger until I tried.
I tried last year, I’m not going to detail the method I used but after I made the decision there was a 10 – 2o second time period in which it would take to end it all.
During that short time, my father walked in and discovered me, he stopped it and saved me. I don’t remember it happening though, all I remember is waking up on the lounge-room floor and being in shock, in shock at what I had tried to do and my father was deeply upset.
I didn’t do it because I didn’t love my family, I do love them and I would do anything for them…even if it means staying alive.
I did it because my pain was intolerable and I felt that I’m only putting off the inevitable by staying alive, and I was only taking up the space and oxygen of those who deserve it more than I do. I did it also so I could be with my ex again, to be with him where I felt safe.
I felt like that I was paying for my ex’s decision every single day, he was the one I planned to spend the rest of my life with and it was my punishment to have to live without him.
That was the saddest and most devastating part about my almost suicide, none of it was irrational, I had made so much sense out of it, it seemed like the best and natural thing to do.
Fast forward to this year…. I cannot express how happy I am that I am still alive, I’m volunteering for my local community, I’m involved with my local council and raising LGBTIQ rights and awareness, I’m helping and engaging with those who have mental health issues. I’m also engaging with “young people” who come from the most awful homes, parents or siblings in prison or on drugs, or who are just to poor to even be able to feed their kids.
Helping others in the community seems to be the best thing I can do at the moment and something I have done since my ex died, I never want anyone to feel how I or my ex felt, I know it’s impossible for that to happen… but if I can help make one person feel like they are understood or loved, then I’m happy about that.
Seeing how badly all these other people have it makes me realise how lucky I actually am and how grateful I am to still be alive.
The pain and mental anguish is a work in progress, some days..like today I can get out of bed and function “normally” , I still have my bad days but the good days are happening more and more often than the bad days.
Suicide doesn’t just end the pain.. it passes it on to those who are left behind, my ex passed it on to me, but I will be damned if I pass it on to those that I love.
Even now for the first time in four years I’m dating someone seriously again, I’ve learned from my mistakes and he makes me feel something I never thought I would feel again, I’m studying again too (I’m 23 years old), I guess the next part is finding a job…
Can they pay me to just live? sometimes I feel like I should be paid for that because it is hard work!!!
So I just found this place and I decided to just let everything all out here soo yea. Anyway can anyone pleaaase help me? I have been thinking of pretty much leaving this world already but every time I attempt to do it I always end up not doing it and it feels like even though I’m fully prepared for it, there’s something that’s stopping me or holding me back but I have srsly NO idea what. Can you help me with this?
Looking for a friend, preferably a teenage male. No one around here understands me. They just pretend. Comment for details.