Taken from Robert Crumb’s Plunge Into The Depths Of Despair (1983)
And if anyone wants these comic strips in a PDF form:
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted…My holiday season was relatively calm..as I took off from work, and was off from school…mostly drama free except the ever present arguments with the asshole I’m forced to relate to as his daughter. But I digress.
School is back in full swing…in addition to more drama at work (seriously, I work with a bunch of 50 year old catty bitches in a freaking cafeteria…)
Needless to say, I’m already stressed the fuck out…looking for jobs, internships, working, going to school, dieting (i have a wedding to attend in june…needing to lose weight), and attempting to maintain my end of relationships. I’ve got so much on my plate it gives me a migraine just thinking about it. Â I’m still seeing a therapist…and I think that this semester (as a time frame for myself) I want to conquer my demons…maybe I can sleep better at night if I am not constantly having nightmares and flashbacks of being sexually harrassed. I don’t even know what my primary purpose in writing this post was…I think I just wanted to ramble on and vent for a little.
I had tried after last semester ended to be placed on anti-anxiety meds, but the one time I mention suicide or depression, my primary care doctor completely flipped out on me and demanded that I be sent to a psychiatric facility (the song “Institutionalized” comes to mind) because I can’t take care of myself, blah blah blah. I’m kind of disappointed that I didn’t get on any meds…maybe if I had been on them I wouldn’t feel like a neurotic mess…You know, I watched the notebook tonight with the intention of “I needed a reason to cry” and yet I still feel like crying…so my stupid brain is literally thinking against my will of reasons that would bring me to tears…even though my Superego (or whichever part of the id,ego,or superego is responsible for) is slapping me silly saying how NOT true my thoughts are. Fuck my head hurts. I could really use a hug…or a drink…or heavy drugs…something to take the edge off.
Stupid question, unrelated to the websites primary purpose…if anyone can give me an intelligent answer I’d appreciate it.
So, I bought some frozen dinners the other day, stashed them in my trunk and went to my dear boyfriends house to do laundry. mmmm…about 3 hours later I get home, realize I forgot to put the frozen dinners in his freezer. I am not sure if they melted all the way or not, but I could smell food. So now they are sitting in my freezer…long story short, my question to the reader(s) is, are they still edible or should I return them?
Anyway…I have to be preparing for a not-s0-exciting day tomorrow…I should at least try to get 5 hours of sleep. I shall return to you tomorrow…hoping to read comments detailing your answer to my question, and some sort of hope. anything to get the edge off.
they prescribed me wellbutrin– an antidepressant, and risperidone, an antipsychotic.
i’m not psychotic. I just have a neurochemistry problem. schizoaffective disorder, maybe– “disorganised thinking comorbid with mood disorder”.Â i was in the hospital for six days this october, on the behest of my school psychiatrist. oh it was just like “Girl, Interrupted” except I didn’t have the manipulative roommate. I was put on seroquel, then they added abilify. mild numbing and mild despair. oh on the 4th day Dr Bashir actually got to listen to me for 20 mins and I got taken off abilify and was put on wellbutrin. my school psych replaced the seroquel with the risperidone. Â I came out with a sense of well-being and I felt cured.
then they came back.
like little creatures that prey on your consciousness at night; and nap with you in the afternoons when the sun sets; and daze you in the mornings.
for psychologists, there’s a constant tug of war in your brain. oh Freud would feel so at home. replace “id” with “limbic system” Â and “superego” with “frontal cortex” and there’s would be my therapists’ theories in a nutshell. as a fourth year biochem student, it makes so much beautiful sense, more than pharmaceutical companies’ “chemical imbalance” theories ever did, if you adopt the abstract perspective of outside looking in at yourself.
the risperidone will inhibit dopamine receptors in the limbic system mostly and inhibit the inhibitory serotonin receptors the limbic system projects onto the frontal cortex, so this “inhibits the inhibitor” and excites the frontal cortex so it can gain some control over the irrational urges and disorganised, tangential, scattered thoughts … Â then the wellbutrin will boost dopamine reception, primarily in the frontal cortex but not so much in the limbic system, so overall mood is boosted and executive function is enhanced.
(according to the medical literature, so my doctor hopes)
so the background rhythms of morbidity disappeared for a while …and then they slowly crept in. I learnt not to trust them; I learnt to push them away. they’re irrational of course. I can come back from an awesome party or have had the most loving weekend with my girlfriend but ohh they’re sometimes so seducing, and I would have flirt with them just for a few seconds.
but oh the pangs of despair– what a lovely terrible mix — they’re my thoughts you see. I came up with them. That part of me which claws out trying to murder the other one– despair! despair! life is terrible — there’s no use denying that this is not true — and the catecholamines rush into my system; my chest clenches — there’s no use trying to fight to breathe–why not end the suffering now — oh but mortality is terrible — imagine your consciousness ending, never to think again — I don’t want to die, I don’t– I don’t want to be smothered– but it is all inevitable, there is no helping it — your chapter will close just as meaninglessly as it started; never will it be read again — oh someone please end this someone please help — despair, despair– there’s no use–