For a long time now I’ve been subconsciously planning my suicide. My main reason for this is this ever growing sensation of “weltschmerz” – feeling the pain of the world and the uselessness of existence and living.
I have a good job that pays well. I am married to a woman that loves me, I have two beautiful and adorable children and still these aren’t good enough reasons for me to keep on living.
For as long that I can remember, I’ve been trying to live life, but never really knowing how. On the outside I’m am successful, but on the inside there is only this big desert filled with nothing.
Suicide has been in my mind since I heard about it for the first time when I was a young boy.
So, this morning the time for my big finale had come. I fixed one of my neckties through a loop on the ceiling and tied a noose. I climbed up on a stool, stood there for a long time until I had mobilized enough courage to kickÂ awayÂ the stool and all went dark.
I woke up in spasms on the floor. I came to myself as if I was waking up from a dream, coming back from a dark hole. The light slowly came back and the surroundings started to appear around me. Had I become a ghost? No, I realized that the necktie I used to hang myself with had torn, wasn’t strong enough.
My first sensation? Failure. Now I’m fighting myself as to whether I should redo it or not.
It’s the first time for me. I felt no pain. Now, my throat aches a little and my elbow and knee are bruised from the fall, apart from that no physical pain.