Things seemed like they were going great, I’m so stupid. Why the fuck would I be optimistic when life just had to bite me in the ass. I have to go to Sydney, a massively overcrowded city to see my family, be tossed from one family to the other whilst old people hug me and say I have grown so much, see my best friend (and I use that term lightly) who has ignored me since I last went back to Sydney. I also get to see her older brother (my old crush from when I was little) and he loves to torment me saying that I’m just his sisters weird fucked up friend, I also get to so my best friends ex who is now one of my close friends who is in love with me and tries to kiss me which my boyfriend hates. My boyfriend is getting depressed because I don’t talk to him as much because I am always stressed and a massive introvert, I just want them all to leave me alone… Why has life got to make everything that is good into something that is bad.
The start of my first “rant”,
Hm I’m not to good at typing things up about my problems but I’m even worse at trying to talk about them, so here this goes!
First off I just wanted to say please do not judge me or think of me as a horrible person for these disgusting facts I will probably type out,
Well, for most of my life it’s been pretty hard on my family (mum & dad) especially after my sister was born it just got harder, it’s seemed like they have always struggled with money really bad.
My dad used to work away up in the mines of the WA pilbra, as a cleaner. He quit that job after my uncle got him a job at a company that’s just moved over here from Sydney as a storeman/salesman, so he’s always home, which is good but him and i don’t get along. Stubborn people never get along with eachother in my books so the house is all kinds of messed up and angry vibes.
My mum is a beauty therapist, she only got into it when my sister and I were grade 4-5, and I’m 19 now so it wasn’t that long ago at all, before that I’m guessing she was a stay at home mum? I don’t remember much of that.
Anyway, she decided or was forced to go onto a cruise with one of her friends and that lady’s friends to the phillipines, it was about 5k I think, I’m not sure, that was with airfares to QLD and the boating costs, anyway, she got back a week after mothers day and hated it, she’s always need up being a lone traveler she thinks.
Well she came back and obviously she didnt have a wage so dad had to pay the house bills all in his own and even together they barely have enough to cover the bills… So there was hardly any food in the house or anything. Of course fights happen in this situation. Now she’s not getting anywhere near as much shifts as she used to be getting so were still poor. My job has taken most of my hours away and given them to other staff, so from 28 hrs I’ve got 10. I get my license in one month and I need to get my dogs needles.
Lately I’ve been feeling really upset with all of this. I’ve discovered ectasy, I’m a bit disapointed in myself, but I’m not a person to regret.
I’m supposed to go to tafe next term to study a cert 2 in business but it’s 660$ on enrollment day and $1000 by the end of the year.
I only get $16 an hour with 10 shifts a week. I can’t cope and I can’t get government assistance.
I’ve been thinking about death for a long long time, earliest memories was when I was grade 3, I think I was 8-9, I just don’t think I’ve had a childhood, everything was always so dramatic, my family think I’m possessed because I’ve turned into a girl hard to talk to, I show very little emotion on the outside unless it’s anger, I’ve never been affectionate even though I was brought up in a loving environment, I used to push people away as soon as I could control my body apparantly.
I’ve also been on and off with my long term boyfriend for 4 years, I love him it’s just so hard because I have so many secrets.
I’ve been around quite a lot, and of course people talk, so I’m rexonised at a “s*ut”
Yet I’ve been forced into a lot of things because I am a very vulnerable person, I feel that my kindness is taken for flirting yet it is not intentional.
I do put myself in those situations but Im not regretting the things I’ve done.
I’m just very over everyone here, I want to get away, suicide is something that crosses my mind daily and when i do think about it I get this numb feeling in my chest and I go all cold.
Ive offten thought to save atleast 5k up for my funeral just to help them out with the struggle.
I’m just over everything, it’s all so pointless. I’m not getting anywhere at all.
I am a failure and I do know this.
Well, I’ve been gone for a while now haven’t I? I’ve been through hell and back and I haven’t found what I’ve been trying to look for. . .
As the people who read my other posts may know, I was with a guy who I loved with all my heart and I gave up almost everything for him. He ended up cheating on me and using me for sex. . . And I still love him alot. But no where near enough to go through that again.Â The day after he was caught cheating and shit, I posted it to The Suicide Project. I never really came back to this site until today.
Since that day, I have gone through alot with people. With him, I argued over and over with him. He stole my skateboard and hit me in the face once and so much more. — Today he is with a girl of whom I will never speak to. With my friends, I lost many friends since then. My friends Hunter Cantrell and Grimm Riot both died. Grimm changed his last name to that of his first cousin just before he killed himself. His first cousin is Maralyn Manson. (Which makes Grimm’s name Grimm Royce Manson) Hunter was killed by a car hitting him. He died within 7 hours. My other friends Montana, Sydney, Danielle, Nakita, Jackie, and a few others soon began to bully me. They beat me up and hurt me severly. They spread rumors and other shit about me. They continue today. With my beliefs, I am unsure of anything. I use to be sure that there was no God.. I believed aliens were God… but one day, my grandmother began to notice how depressed I was. She took me to a church and that night.. wow.. that night i felt more loved than i ever had before. I mean, i dont believe yet. I consider myself Agnostic right now. . but i felt loved.
As of love right now, it does not exist. For me, my philosophy in life is.. You are born, you move up, you suffer, you expierence pain unlike any other, you explore, and you die.
I have been in two relationships since being used. (Three if you count this one guy..) One, with a guy who lied to me and cheated on me with two girls and had sex with one of them.. AnotherÂ relationship with (If you count it- which I dont) a guy i met one night and had anal sex with :/ And one with my current boyfriend who isnt that bad. He’s never had a girlfriend before and he’s really nice. He has no idea anything ive been through throughout my life… The times i was mollested or any of the cheaters or anything.
I only wish that life would speed up and let me get to the age of escape.