Taken from Robert Crumb’s Plunge Into The Depths Of Despair (1983)
And if anyone wants these comic strips in a PDF form:
Good Morning. I still don’t have a lot to say this morning. I seem to be cycling down again. I feel like I have whiplash lately. Up down, up down. I don’t seem to be losing the drive to paint and draw, which will most likely save my life this go around.
When I was younger I would cycle up and have about three solid weeks of pure creativity then it would leave me for 6 months and I would be completely destitute about it. Up until January of last year I had put away anything creative because it had just left me completely. I was sad about it but there is a certain amount of pain involved with being driven to draw or paint constantly.
A different person woke up this morning. I rolled the dice this morning and someone else woke up. Which happens. I’m back locked up tight in my head. Yesterday the world was my oyster. I even taught myself a new computer programming system last week to do the job of someone who quit because I was tired of relying on a department who doesn’t know my data like I do. Just fucking sat down and taught myself a system people got to college to learn. I have no idea how I did it. Today I look at myself and I feel like I’m some kind of alien creature. I couldn’t do it today. She didn’t wake up today, I did. I don’t have the ability to learn a new system. My head has become a cloud.
But I can paint still. Which is good. I am fighting paranoia. I am fighting the idea people are watching me, which is why I took down the self-portrait. I didn’t delete it. If Alan wants me to add it to this post I will so he can see it. After all I painted it because of something he said.
I’m so incredibly lonely I can taste it.
I’ve been listening to Radical face for days on end now.
I just want someone to vent to, but I have no friends, I was once close to my siblings but I think they all kind of just got tired of me, and everyone else who is supposed to be my support system tells me people have it worse than I do so I have no reason to be depressed and quite honestly I have no Idea why my depression started, but I do know what triggered my suicidal tendencies and what is keeping me down and I want someone to listen with the intention of understanding and no just to reply. I want that without having to pay someone to pretend to care. Sorry for all misspelled words and improper grammar, I haven’t slept in 36 hours and I am very sleepy.
“The problem lying behind the lack of human fulfilment was a shortage not just of time but of imagination. They found a day that worked for them and then stuck to it, and repeated it, at least between Monday and Friday. Even if it didn’t work for them – as was usually the case – they’d stuck to it anyway. Then they’d alter things a bit and do something a little bit more fun on Saturday and Sunday.
One initial proposal I wanted to put to them was to swap things over. For instance, have five fun days and two not fun days. That way – call me a mathematical genius – they would have more fun. But as things stood, there weren’t even two fun days. They only had Saturdays, because Mondays were a little bit too close to Sundays for Sunday’s liking, as if Monday were a collapsed star in the week’s solar system, with an excessive gravitational pull. In other words one seventh of human days worked quite well. The other six weren’t very good, and five of those were roughly the same day stuck on repeat.”
? Matt Haig, The Humans
I’ve lost my connection to time, everyday flows into the next becoming a kind of Ground Hog Day, only i’m not learning anything so can’t envision it ever ending.
A homeless/semi-homeless person coming from the streets trying to get on their feet shouldn’t owe the government jack shit when you don’t get jack shit. Somehow my taxes got fucked up at work and what’s even more fucked up is I have to claim one job as two jobs because both have their own EIN and W2. But the deal was, my employer’s finances went through another company as they were a start up. When they separated and became their own entity, they got their own EIN and new payroll system. So when the first W2 ends from the parent company, with the grand total for the year on their own system, it’s going to look like I had 2 jobs and made twice as much when I didn’t! Just running the first W2 alone says I owe about $1000. I only made $15,000 total but because of the split I’ll have to report earning $30,000 when I fucking didn’t. So there goes my Obamacare plus how the fuck am I going to pay for shit when I barely have $20 a week to myself to live on after rent and transportation!? What pisses me off even more is people who work full time can get full benefits of $190/mo in food stamps but someone who gets like 10-20 hrs a week depending on the fucking day and if there’s any shit to give me to do, no fucking way I can’t get a dime! I don’t have shit, can’t get shit, and I owe thousands?!?!?!?! What the fuck am I supposed to do!?!?! I just fucking KNEW living on my own would land me in jail either over the student loans or taxes once I had a job!!!!
I hate everyone around me, this world makes me sick, people disgust me
If it wasn’t for my bullshit morals, It would be so easy
I want to give in, I want to let go
Everyone I let get close to me, mistakes, I shouldn’t have been so careless
I want to feel my blood leave my veins and sink into the dirt
Being me, being alive is just useless
Just because I’m alive doesn’t mean I’m living life.
I have been dead for years, stop letting me rot and bury me
Fuck my family, why do they expect me to want to live? I never asked for this.
Fuck my “friends” two faced shits
Fuck the people that used me, garbage
Fuck the people that wanted to “help” me by telling me to “get over it”
Fuck the school system and child services that did fuck all
Fuck all the ignorant shits that think it’s a joke
And most of all Fuck the parents that thought It would be a good idea to have another kid after they failed raising FOUR OTHERS.
My outside family raised them for you since you couldn’t.
And fuck all the people that ask if I’m okay but obviously don’t care
No I’m not okay I want to blow my brains out!
I promised a not to take enough to kill myself to my girlfriend. I relapses and had a paid attack and stole my dads pain meds but they were really strong ad I drank alot of vodka with itandnow I can’t focus get well can you tell me what to do to help my system deal with them? Becaus3 I’m not ready yet in so numb….
As the days go by, I only feel myself desiring to kill myself more and more. I loathe more, I argue more, I withdraw more. When things go wrong, its the only thought I have. When things go right, I remind myself that it wont last. I hate feeling like no matter what improvements I make, I’m still put down, I’m still living off others, I’m still worthless. When I try, I just find myself exhausted. All that ever brings me relief is to sleep and I think that’s only because its the closest thing I can do to death without actually killing myself. I have asked for help and I can’t seem to get it. Therapy has never aided me, I’ve only found myself angrier and more upset. My finances are way more than I can bear and I have no support system. I’ve made it a thing to push everyone out of my life. What am I to do?
So my school building is the worst building ever. It was supposed to be a kind of ‘school of the future’, but instead of that it became the school of way too little space. The hallways are SO small that we’re stuck every. single. time. (Just image all the students trying to go outsife when we’re pretending there’s a fire. Nope, doesn’t work at all) But because it’s so crowded in the hallways I try to avoid the staircases and things like that.
Now, today I couldn’t avoid it and I got stuck between all the other kids. I got so damn annoyed and stressed, I just wanted to punch everything and everyone around me just to get out. Then when I FINALLY walked in my classroom I sat down at hit my damn thumb against the table and it hurt! I said something like “Fucking school!” and I kicked my 10 kilos backpack and hurt my foot. I put my hands in my hair and took a deep breath trying not to freak out. We were sitting in a classroom with computers, so we had to log in and go to the school’s system. Basically, the school’s system is where we can see our grades, assiments and every single thing that has to do with school.
Every single student and teacher has an account in the school’s system, and because we have a school picture taken every new schoolyear that is connected to everyone’s account. So when the class gets a message from a teacher that shows us our homework, we see a picture of the teacher.
I was feeling so stressed and I just wanted to scream, but I decided to just try to pay attention to the class so I followed my teacher’s instruction to log in and start doing my homework on the pc. I was scrolling down the page called ‘messages’ when I came across some one year old messages from my teachers from last year. And guess who’s message I saw? Yup, my old history teacher’s. I was curious to see what it was about so I clicked on it. And you know what I then saw that made me smile so wide that I was grinning from ear to ear? It was a picture of her, a new picture! 🙂 It was this year’s picture and I’d never seen it before. I looked at it and thought “Gosh, shs’s so beautiful…” I looked at her eyes and I almost started laughing from happiness, her eyes look SO CUTE in the picture! You know when someone laughs their eyes become a little smalled because they’re closing their eyelids a little bit? That’s what she has in the picture! She looks so so happy and it’s so cutd! Seeing her new picture made me forget all my worries from just a second before and I was just smiling at my pc screen.
She’s so beautiful that I feel temped to add the picture to this post so you can see her! But of course I can’t do that, definetly not without her permission haha. So you’ll just have to believe me when I say: SHE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN EVEEEER!!!
I feel kind of honoured to have developed a crush on her. She is so worth a broken heart. She’s so great!! I don’t want to be over her.. 🙂 I really really really really reallllyyyyy like her hihi
Excuze me for the spam about my amazing crush. But trust me, she’s worth it 😉 I wish you all could meet her, she’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met, honestly <33 (But don't start liking her, she's mine lol)
Have a nice day, guys xx
I pretty much wrapped up my Bioethics Agenda for my book, now I’m working on my economic platform. I called it PETHUnomics
P = Practical
E = Efficiant
T = Transformative
H = Humanitarian
U = Utilitarian
i believe in a massive overhaul of the educational and corrections system. I also believe in better social safety nets for the poor. Unfortunately, my plan will cost a lot of money. To offset this, I think we are gonna have to make some painful cuts to great programs in the name of incredible ones.
ill start off with the most controversial one – spending cuts for the National Endowment for the Arts, and the privatization of libraries (which will be replaced with a free online virtual library you can access via the Internet), and the privatization of many national parks. This still won’t save the government a whole bunch of money but it’s a great start. Also a small cut in the military budget. Also I believe in taxing mega churches.
A less controversial policy of mine will be the abolition of the penny because it costs 2 cents to make 1 cent. We will do like most nations do and round it off to the nearest 5 cents. Also the 5 cent should be reformed so it would cost 1 cent to make 5 cents. We can offset inflation by printing money just like we would if the current cost of making the money were the same today.
Also no more propping up theaters, museums, and building monuments. instead of monuments, we need better infrastructure. Schools and other government buildings that will be built in the future but is out of the natural disaster zones, such as West Virginia, will be made from cheaper yet sustainable materials – example: schools should be made out of mobile homes with outside walkways with awnings above. I went to a school like thst once while the gov wasted 23 million dollars rebuilding the new school.
Also we should allow casinos, especially in my state in order to bring some money.
Here is why it’s so important to save so much money and make touch cuts –
– more government regulations of business
-urban renewal programs and better social programs that really help the poor
-the total transformation of the education and prison system
-investing in science and technology (especially medicine, neuropreservation, and mental health, cyber security, and driverless cars)
So many more gov programs that I think should be funded. But it’s gonna cost a lot! We can’t have it all but we gotta have the best. With utilitarianism for the sake of national humanitarianism, it’s sort of like I’m taking a right wing stance but for left wing purposes
what do you think about PETHUnomics? What would you change? My ideas are still in development and I wrote this really fast. I am still taking economic courses but using my own ideas to better what I already learned,
Things falling apart for me: Not getting paid from 2nd job unless I get a Chase account, that I can’t get due to horrible credit score. Main job has to switch payment system so there could be a huge 3 week interruption. This leave me with $0 to live on. Can’t rent a place now!!!
Things fall apart for Man of My Dreams: his life long disability that he has received from birth suddenly gets cut off without warning or reason. He will be homeless and I don’t have a place to offer him, and can’t get a place with my jobs unable to pay me. If I had a place, I’d be the hero again…
I’d like to tell him the moral of the story must be that things will never work out for us living separate lives, and that he has to marry me for things to work out for us… heh.
I am a 23 year old guy and I have been diagnosed with a chronic autoimmune condition called lupus. What this means is that my immune system finally caught up with my brain and started hating itself as much as I did before I even knew what the word “lupus” meant. My body is destroying itself and if I choose to keep living, I will live every day for the rest of my life in pain with the looming threat of facing severe organ damage or becoming permanently bedridden. Having lupus means that something as innocent as spending 2 minutes in the sun could cause my immune system to go haywire and lead to months of life-threatening consequences.
It’s not just the lupus, though. I have ALWAYS been depressed; I have ALWAYS had an extremely negative and self-destructive outlook on life. I’ve wanted to die for years. I have always had extreme social anxiety. I have never had an intimate relationship with another person and never will, especially now that my body is deformed by rashes and joint damage. This was going to be the year that I started grad school, got my shit together, worked on beating my depression, got in shape, tried to find a significant other, turned my life around. But God decided I’m not good enough to be happy and I agree with him.
I hate everything, but most of all I hate myself, all I want is to be cold in the ground. I REFUSE to give my life to a chronic illness; I’ll go on my own terms, thank you very much. I have always thought the world would just be a little bit better if I weren’t in it. And now I finally have a reason to seal the deal. My life is over anyway because of lupus.
The one thing keeping me from driving 20 minutes to the nearest cliff is my parents, who would be hurt and confused if I ended my life; but why should I live the rest of my life in misery and excruciating pain just to placate them?
I’ve had suicidal thoughts for years, but for the first time in my life I find myself online researching suicide methods. I already have one lined up.
Since you ask, most days I cannot remember.I walk in my clothing, unmarked by that voyage.Then the almost unnameable lust returns.Even then I have nothing against life.I know well the grass blades you mention,the furniture you have placed under the sun.But suicides have a special language.Like carpenters they want to know which tools.They never ask why build.. . .Balanced there, suicides sometimes meet,raging at the fruit a pumped-up moon,leaving the bread they mistook for a kiss,leaving the page of the book carelessly open,something unsaid, the phone off the hookand the love whatever it was, an infection.
I’m not enough. Not strong enough. Not smart enough. A failure. Worthless trash. Every time I compete, I do…okay. Second place. Third place. I’m sick of hearing the phrase “he almost won it all” come out of other peoples’ mouths. They can just shut the hell up. No one knows how hard I train, how hard I work, how much I prepare. I work all the time, all for that one moment, that one crucial moment which separates number 1 and number 2.
Maybe it’s a character flaw. I’m incapable of being number 1? Is that true? Don’t get me wrong, I love being the underdog. I love being unsatisfied, always trying to surpass expectations. But I also never fully surpass expectations. They expect me to be at the bottom, and I come out second, or third. I never beat everyone. There’s always someone better than me, and that pisses me off.
I should kill myself. I’m a dishonor to my principles, to everything I stand for. If I stand for hard work, and honor, and discipline, then my mere existence is shaming those ideals. I cannot abandon my ideals because I cannot live without them, and yet I cannot keep my ideals because I am not strong enough to flaunt them. All I want to do is show the world that these values I hold in my heart are true, that they can pave the way to success.
Few know me deeply, but most everyone sees that I am stern faced, and overly formal, and principled. They all tell me I should be more willing to cheat, and lie, that a little dishonor goes a long way. That I should be more arrogant, and pretend to know things I don’t know, and talk big, and whatnot. I want to prove that my way of life, my value system, is the best system. That it is exemplary, that all this garbage about “confidence” is unnecessary.
I’m a disgrace to myself. A mockery of all I hold dear. Everything in my heart tells me I should die. I should die. A small voice in my heart tells me, “try one last time, give yourself one last chance to come out on top”, but is it really worth it? Another silver medal? They might as well give me a sticky note with the word FAILURE written in bold and ask me to wear it on my forehead.
1. Life basically has no inherent meaning and humanity is insignificant in this gargantuan universe.
2. I hate capitalism and technology. Humanity is collectively vying for a superlative goal. This goal constitutes building Artificial Intelligence that will soon render human existence superfluous. Capitalism is a way of evolving collective “God”-consciousness
3. I hate the system and its procrustean laws. Always keeping us domesticated. Of course I can’t fight back alone. I am powerless to run the gauntlet solo. Our behaviour is closely monitored through soul crushing 9 to 5 jobs and mindless entertainment to act as a vehicle for temporary escape and not be able to remember that we’re not free.
4. The system cannot be changed because it has formidably complex mode of operating. It’s designed to make us fail.
5. Evolution wiled onto me an immutable plague right from the get go. It thus follows that I don’t have enough mental stamina to get up to speed as a part of a functioning cog in the engine that is the system. I have Social Anxiety, constatly depressed. Some have mental disabilities that render them useless. The system can dispence with these non-starter/unambitious types.
6. I hate conforming to the system. I learned that not conforming to the standards set by the system can lead one down on a dreary path. This path tappers of into suffering and hence death. So uhmm what is the fucking point?? Why not just kill my self because either choice results in death.
7. I want to see if there is an after life. If it really exists, I’ll ask the beings that inhabit this alternate universe why they decided to turn us into guinea pigs for their amusement.
Alright, here’s the deal. I need an address from somebody who lives in the states — preferably california so I can tell the border cops I got a destination. I’m going to tell them I’m going to spend a few months time with you at your place to kick back. All pleasure no business this time. (lie). All business AND pleasure. So! Who wants to help me make it big in the city of angels? I’m going to L.A with a dream in my heart. Driving down in my shitty Cavalier with outdated stickers and an exhaust system that’s seen better days but who gives a fuck. All that matters is that I get there. I’m going to take this week to prep what I need and head on out very soon.
So, gamershell.com offers free demos. One can purchase whole game often on Amazon, race car simulation (Need for Speed Series) and anything flight sounding, especially the helicopter demos and games are a good thought changing environment. Have a minimum XP 32 bit system with video and sound upgrade or a good laptop in 32 bit operating systems to try these simulators out.
Find Vietnam Med Evac and Search and Rescue 4 and Space interceptor.
Microsoft Flight Simulators go back to 1998, a good one and through FSX, ten. I like FS2002. Add on any free airplane from simviation.com free.
So good luck dragging your ball and chain today, or lift up into the clouds flying or escape pursuit in racing games to make today better.