This is not a cry for help. Technically, this is seeking attention, but only in the sense that I wish to speak about suicide without entertaining the notion that someone will attempt to interfere. I just…want to talk to someone who might understand.
I thought I was okay with being different but the more I think about it the more I realise if I was actually okay with it, it wouldn’t bother me so much when people stare or talk about me -_- why is it so difficult for people to just leave me alone. I understand i’m easy to make fun of but really who doesn’t have something about them that can be made fun of.
Today was my friends high school graduation. I went because that’s what friends do, right? During the ceremony I was sitting with my other friend, and I was texting the one guy who knows about my depression. It was light hearted and joking conversation but he’s not the best at conversation so I stopped responding because all I wanted to do was tell him how I’m doing mentally. But it wasn’t the time or place. But I haven’t seen him in a while and I got to see him today but I wasn’t able to to talk to him in person because we each had other obligations. But just seeing him is making me fall into that depressive mood because I just want to talk to him but I can’t.
But after the graduation I drove by myself home and I just wish I had someone with me. And I’m having family issues because they want to talk about other people who have depression but I don’t want them to know about me. And it just pisses me off because my mom keeps acting like she’s the expert on depression and I just need to get out of here. Anyways so today was suppose to be about my friend because she’s the one who graduated and after the graduation I just feel really lonely right now so I was texting my two friends and tried to make the conversation about me to the point where I think I am going to tell them about mydepression the next time I get the chance. But I’m not sure if I want to do that. I feel like I only want to tell them so they pay more attention to me and care more for me. I feel like I want to force them into giving a shit about me.
(Sorry if my posts jump around a lot. I just have a lot of thoughts but don’t know how to explain them fully)
Email me, anyone? email@example.com kik: devinx7 I don’t really have anyone to talk to..
Nobody gets it. I dont want help. I dont want to talk. I dont want drugs or therapy or company. I have tried all my life to want to live but I never have wanted it. I didnt ask for this life. I dont want to feel better or try again or look on the bright side or give it time. What i want is to turn it all off.
I made a Kik specifically for you guys here on SP. Just in case anyone ever needs or wants to talk, vent, rant, etc privately, it’s anoynomus and I’ll get back to you as quickly as I can. Just so you know I’m here for all of you, whether I know you or not. The username is haileeonsp. Have a lovely night guys.
Because my disposition is so heavily suited for very unsavory tasks such as merciless combat and deceit, this makes me ill-equipped for more mundane things like small talk, forming relationships, and creating effective art. However, this statement is a contradiction, as my disposition also makes it possible for me to exhibit fairly uncommon forms of altruism and to stress understanding and communication which are key elements in promoting harmony.
And yet, neither statement is true, because one’s memories (more importantly, the condition of their brain) define the persona that is constantly undergoing development. In this sense, who I am now is merely a result of odds. But such statements imply that my personality reflects an immaterial soul that I do not possess.
By virtue of possessing such a contradictory set of principles, I’ve become the victim to two frequent phenomena: 1) consistent dishonesty and 2) an inability to be taken seriously. As a result, the likelihood of my social selectiveness has been reduced dramatically. This in turn, has rendered me a failed variation, which mandates my eventual death.
From an extra letter I wrote that I panned to send you.
As I write this I am thinking about how we haven’t talked in over a month. I am SO SORRY. I know, sorry probably aint shit. I haven’t sent the letter I promised I’d send. I even flaked on you the last time I was there. I have really been pissed at myself lately. I don’t even know what to say to you, I am just sorry I haven’t been keeping my word. I know we agreed to hangout and talk about the last letter and confessions we may have. I did want to talk, I didn’t flake on you to avoid you, I was just with Henry already. I am such an ass. I planned something with you and went with someone else. I do want to talk, Kimberly. In case we don’t get the chance or you don’t want to hangout with me because I haven’t been keeping my word, I am attaching a letter which contains all my feelings and confessions. I am so sorry. I know you wanted to do it in person but deep down, I am a ***** and I won’t keep my words when it comes down to something like this. I don’t know why but when I get deep and serious I tend to cry, even when there is no reason to cry.
Isn’t in funny how a lot of people on this site will ignore any post that even mentions drugs. Even though depression and addiction often go hand. Well here it goes, you’ve been warned!!
Was that so bad huh? Well it’s been maybe 1-2 weeks of nonstop daily use, and honestly when that powder hits my nose I feel calm. You imagine a cokehead jumping up and down, meanwhile I’m nodding on it. I feel calm and for once that constant voice saying suicidesuicidesuicide is shut out by the voice saying cokecokecoke.
I guess recovery’s not going so well. Sorry for taking my anger out here but my family doesn’t know about the drugs or the suicide and it just hurts me that it seems that one of the few supportive places I have seems to turn their back on me the second I bring up using. Obviously this doesn’t apply to everyone- particularly I want to thank HDS for her wisdom… Thanks guys, love always
I cannot take this anymore. I know my life isn’t as bad as some peoples but I’m just really struggling.
Firstly, I hate school. I’m really struggling at keeping up and my grades are usually quite good but I’m not going to be able to keep that up much longer. I dislike every subject I do, and the subjects I loved, my teachers are crap. I also can’t stand the people, there’s always those ones that talk all through class and it’s stopping me from learning. Everything at school is making me tired and I can hardly hold myself together anymore.
Other than school I do three other sports and draw which take up every day after school and sometimes before school, two of which I am not liking at the moment and one of them especially is affecting me mentally, considering I’m in such a high level of it. These making me feel depressed and I just don’t want to do it.
altogether I just feel really lonely, I don’t really talk to my family much because if I’m being honest, I can’t stand them, they say some really mean things about people, they gossip, argue so much about pointless things and my parents look down on me and I hate it. I do have friends but, three main ones who I hang out with at school but I feel we are only friends because at school people hang out with other people so there not loners (I didn’t explain that very well).
I go to a all girls school and I don’t like being around all the girls all the time, I don’t think my parents would let me change and it would be so difficult now. I don’t know what to do, I’m struggling and I just feel so depressed, hopeless, stupid and like I’m failing at life.
Let me know if you’re okay.. okay? My email is firstname.lastname@example.org if you don’t want to talk publicly..
It seems like every few nights anxiety rears it’s ugly head. I can ignore it for a while until I realize my jaws been clenched so tight my head hurts and I’m getting short of breath. I’ve had the jaw thing going on so long I swear it’s changed the shape of my face. Anxiety does not discriminate….it can be over something valid like finances or something so damn stupid (a dripping pipe, that’s tonight) I did everything I could do to remedy the issue but I can’t help but to get anxious. I’ve been to the basement a few times just to keep checking, because we had a busted pipe before and it was terrible. I am thinking this shit in my head borders on OCD. I have rituals before I leave for work and I have missed my bus because of my craziness. I seriously won’t bore you guys with the details on that because this is supposed to just be about anxiety. As much as I hate benzos I wish I still had them, any of them klonopin worked best for me but one day my head shrinker decided I didn’t need to be on them anymore. I stopped going. I quit all the crazy pills. I was mad and had experienced bad side effects from a few meds, mostly geodon and another one that off label treats headaches. I was on so many stupid pills at one point I was a damn lab rat and I told them I was just anxious. Not fucking bipolar. I don’t know. It helps to talk about it here, I don’t have anyone irl who would get it. When I attempt to talk feelings lately I get horribly sarcastic and bitter. That makes me hate myself and everything else. I don’t know what to do. I hate who I’m becoming. All dark and twisty. Nobody gets it.
my family spent so many years not talking about our fucking problems. and now my siblings are like “we are talking to our parents about are problems so we can get them fixed” and then i get included into the conversation and get to hear about their depression and their mental problems and then i get praised for being the one child without problems. can we just go back to not talking? i dont want to be the mentally sane child that apparently has no problems. i need to get the fuck out of here.
My head really hurts, stress out, depressed, I want to escape this reality. It has been a month since I locked up myself, not meeting anyone, watching movies and dramas for escaping this reality. Hoping I could change my life. I really hate when I wake up in the morning and have to get back to reality. I dont know how to solve this problem. I want to change my life and I have many regrets. I have no one to talk to. Crying alone in my room, hoping I could escape this reality.
In the long hallways
there’s talk of love and hate.
They look down on those
who don’t look ‘right’.
Always beating them down
with such bitterness and
There’s mobs of liars
and masked monsters.
Never knowing the world
In the long hallways
they’re all looking down
and she’s looking up.
The one single angel.
The Wendy Williams show is on. I can’t find the damn remote, I can’t change the channel on the frickin cable box without the damn remote. And I swear on all that is Holy that if I hear these women yell whoop-whoop one more time I just might end it. ( it gonna take a talk show to drive me over the edge ? ) screw it. I’ll be in the garage if anybody needs me.
- So I’m a freshmen in a collage prep high school. I’ve suffered from depression since 6th or 7th grade. I have really bad anxiety and I’m extremely self conscious. IVe just been under a lot of stress and stuff and been thinking about self-harm and suicide. I think both are terrible things and I would never put my family through it but yet almost everyday I’ve been thinking of ways to kill my self. I know I haven’t got the guts to do it but I can’t stop my self from thinking about it. Nobody knows I suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts and I’m not one to talk about my feelings but I don’t know what to do. I have a terrible fear of people judging me so I’ve never told anyone or tried to reach out for help. So this is my first attempt. I dont exactly know what I expect. I guess I just need to express my self. But anyway. I’ve never done self harm, like I said I think it’s stupid and doesn’t help and just leaves you more broken then you already are, but lately I’ve taken out an Xacto knife and just held it to cut my legs. I don’t have the guts to do it and if I did I don’t know if I would or not. I’m scared that I would though. I’ve been thinking of calling the suicide prevention hotline but I can’t make my self do it. It’s really hard for me to talk about how I feel. Last Friday, I was really nervous and anxious so I took my pencil and drew a smiley face on my hand. But I kept tracing over it till it kinda went through my skin. I know that that was self harmful and I don’t know what I was thinking at the time or what to do. I usually draw smiley faces all over my homework or papers just to kinda get over my sadness but it doesn’t help all that much. I honestly am scared of myself. I have been thinking all to much about how I’d kill myself if I had the guts and wouldn’t feel grief. But it seems like my pain and misery will never end. If I was to kill myself, I’m not to make it clear, I’d overdose on sleep pills. I honestly can’t deal with the stress anymore. I’ve eve thought when would be the best time to kill myself. It’s gotten out of hand. Being an introvert. I’ve thought of every out come to a conversation about things and I think about how conversations could or could’ve gone. I’ve thought about the suicide conversation with my school councilor, I can’t do it. Cause she’ll see me and only think about my depression and suicide. The conversation with a hotline I’ve thought of many times. I don’t have the guts to do it, but I know I got to talk to someone. I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do. I would like to get on pills for depression but that would mean I’d have to tell my parents. And I’m not ready to do that or have that conversation. I’ve thought about waiting till collage when I’ll be going to the Drs on my own and getting my own drugs from the store and whatever, but I don’t think I can wait that long. One of my teachers said something about how what happened to you? You were an all As student and nos your B- and s bunch of other crap about how I have a problem. I know she meant well but I was having a terrible day and she had raised her voice and it just killed me inside. I literally wanted to go to the bathroom and break down crying. By the way that was 3 months ago and it still hurts me so much. But I had been depression free for 5 months before that. And that with a combination of other little things had brought it back. My mom like 2 months previous to this said to me that I was definantly depressed many times which made me start to believe that I was. Truth be told I had been the happiest I’d been in years, no joke. I think because I was actually happy and not trying to cover up my depression I seemed less happy cause I was trying so hard before to conceal it. But I would drop hints occasionally before when I was in deep depression that I was depressed but no one picked up on it. But yeah. I kinda feel better getting this off my chest and sharing it. This was kinda hard to be honest. But I’m glad I did it. I just hope it all comes to an end.
This is my first post so. There’s no justified reason for me to talk about my background or how I came to the point where I am now talking about my worthless life to a bunch of people who I don’t know and who probably don’t care. I’m sure the things I post will be the same things everyone’s heard a million times. I’m not saying that it makes what anyone has been through any less significant or important or painful and damaging, but it kind of sucks that I’m just another depressed, screwed up teenager reaching out to people on the internet because there’s no one in my life that I care about enough to talk to, nor anyone in my life who cares. Isn’t it sad that so many people have been through so many horrible things? Sometimes I feel selfish for feeling sorry for myself, because someone else always has it worse, this I’ve learned. But does that make my experiences any less screwed up? Does that make me any less depressed, knowing that someone else has it worse? No it doesn’t.. Should it? I don’t know if I’m even making sense right now. Probably not. There really was no point to this, just like everything else in my life. Thankyou to anyone who wastes their time reading this, and I’m sorry that you did.
This is my first post. I hope its not my last.
Hmm..well..its hard . Waking up every single day. Going to school. Coming back home. And going to bed again. Going to sleep , at night.. is scary. Because you know ,then you’ll have to wake up tomorrow. I just feel like im done. Not that i dont have anymore strength left .but that i have no will left.
Really got no reason to go through each day. I hate going to school. Sitting there, among the same people. And feeling disconnected. Meh. There’s just a friend, whose presence keeps me from giving in .gives me hope, that its not all that pointless.we dont really talk now. Its sad 🙁 i kinda love him. But my head doesnt want me to be happy i guess. Screwed up our thing ( ambivalence, and fear of intimacy probbly) i think i have bpd. Also i kinda need him (bear hug :/ ..anyone? ). But wont talk to him. I want to keep him away from this. Just wanna see him happy.he has a great smile btw 😉
I have lost interest in food. And pretty much everything.
I think, human beings are all stupid . And scared. We have created a world. Our world. On a scale comparable to our own size. To distract ourselves. From the realization that . We are all , purposeless. Pointless . Their is really no sense to it. We are random creatures. Born by chance. Without purpose. And maybe , there is this void inside of us. This realization of how insignificant human race is, that is too painfull to admit.and acknowledge. And to avoid that, people pretend like they matter. They form human relationships. To validate their existence. Trying to make sense out of it. Probably, people are scared. Or ignorant. What do you think?
And the worst part is I don’t even OWN a dog.
Anyway, woke up today with a terrible earache, which probably means my ear infection came back.
Hurts to eat or drink anything (chewing and swallowing, ouch).
It even hurts to talk.
So here I am, sitting quietly at home, eating and drinking nothing.