I am under a great deal of stress at the moment. It’s finals week at school and I have my Algebra 1 exam tomorrow. This test will not only determine if I’m going to pass the class, but also place me into a ranking chart of students heading into Algebra 2. Ever since I was 11 years old, I wanted to be perfect. My dream is to go to Harvard, but I’m so stupid and ignorant that that probably won’t happen; nevertheless, I feel as if I have to get a perfect score on this test in order to determine my self worth. If I don’t pass this exam, I won’t get into Algebra 2, therefore destroying any sense of accomplishment I had left in myself. (Although I didn’t have any to begin with.) This test is giving me a severe panic attack right now, and I can’t even focus on studying for it because I know I’m already going to fail. This test is important. This test is determining my future. This test is a crooked game of survival, and I know I will most certainly lose the battle.
I am kind of stuck. I’ve wasted an entire year at university but have been barely able to get out of bed let alone get a degree, so now I am redoing my second year. (I am writing a separate post about that)
All I want to know is, how am I supposed to go and get help from a doctor if I am too anxious? I know many people on here suffer from anxiety, how did you first go and get help? Like my nervousness is so crippling I can’t even think about going to the doctors!
I get stomach pains when I am anxious, and I know that it is this that is causing it. Whenever I have a presentation or meeting, or just a social event I’m nervous for, my stomach aches. I’m afraid that going to a doctor will make him suggest it’s a medical issue, and send me for a blood test. It’s embarrassing because I self-harmed 2 years back but still have the scars and I am anxious about having to roll up my sleeves for the blood test if the docs make me have one. Maybe I am over-thinking it, and I know nurses wont really say anything when taking my blood but just knowing that they see and what they’re probably thinking of me in their heads is enough to put me off.
Online it tells me my GP will likely look for physical causes to my problems before seeing if they could be mental. And that’s just worrying me. The other major worry is, what am I supposed to say? How do you even start a conversation about something like this with a doctor?
Apologies to you guys for rambling and expressing my worries, but it’s getting too much now and has been so long it’s like I am just a shadow of the person I was. I just want to know how to start that conversation and how to get help. I need it.
so I don’t know but I think I’m going insane.
I can’t sleep well at night; I have terrors and wake up tired.
And today I got and F on my test; which is so so weird because I studied hard and when I took it I felt really good about it. I thought I aced it.
And on top of that my ex is sending me horrible emails. ( I’ve been not responding because I just don’t want him in my life). He’s saying horrible mean things to me. Which is really random and just plain mean. Idk why he’s doing that.
I don’t really know what’s going on, I just don’t feel right. My brain is not responding like it usually does.
Am I going crazy? Or maybe I’m just tired? Or is my mind breaking down and its trying to tell me? Has this happened to anyone? Where your mind is just not working properly.
the universe works in mysterious ways every time i have a bad day or im in a dark place I get signs that show me that everything is going to be alright
like when I tryed my 3rd attempt I found money on the way to the hospital
today A baby was smiling at me on the train on my way to college after I gave a man some change I had and then I passed my final test wile walking up the road the sun felt like it was shining right on me there is something much more powerful in the universe what ever u want to call it god higher self Angel etc they really do exist and I just want to say thank you to my angels and u guys on suicide club the support we give each other is aswsome if any of u guys need support or to unload or just have someone to talk to I’m here for u email me
Don’t give up fighting even no we might have some dark nights theres always a brighter day after
te amo chicos
You know that feeling when your so close but yet so far I’m getting anxious about this fucking test tomorrow already failed twice and I’m getting to that point when I think fuck it and sabatage it and not completing the course if I fail again its so frustrating no wonder kids go around shooting up school and colleges
how can u win physically if your loosing mentally ?
Its not that hard to fall right back into the dark isit
I got so many question that I need answers to
why do we fight to live if we just live to die ?
why life so hard
why do we have to struggle and fight every fucking day
im tired of it all
Going in for a test tomorrow. Dont think I will sleep tonight.
I wish I could just turn my head off.
I haven’t smoked weed in 6 months. Not for lack of trying since i moved i cant find a decent connect. Weed was an antidepressant that I no longer have access to. I dont drink so ive been begrudgingly sober far longer than id like. I dont want to be a blunt a day pot head. Just the occasional bowl to take the edge off. My outlook was mostly positive high. This isn’t to encourage weed use its not a cure all but got dam it helped. The only plus is i can pass a drug test which I’ll need to find a new job when i move yet again.
Ink blot test.
No email bull shit , just look at some cards select your answers and get analized.
Sickness Quotient: 66%
Hmmm, your “Sickness Quotient” of 66% is a little worriesome.
You are utterly incapable of meaningful relationships, which is probably a good thing since you’re a horrible bore under the best of conditions. You have a positive attitude towards nearly everything, which is incredibly stupid and very annoying to those around you.
Job Performance & Attitude
You aspire to becoming the CEO of a large, powerful company. This is unlikely since you rarely leave your parent’s basement. Your work is of so little value they should just put a shredder in place of your Out basket
Your personal motto is “I am unique, just like everybody else.” This makes everyone else happy, because they know there can’t be two of you.
12 hours left.
I managed to shower and get ready for my test. I put make up on. I did my hair. Im wearing normal clothes. This is a big accomplishment for me today. For everyone reading and replying, thank you. Im sorry that I will be posting a lot. Like I said. Im a book. This is my final chapter. And I want it to be rememberable.
15 hours left.
I didn’t sleep last night. I laid awake on a couch. I didn’t want to sleep. I was afraid to sleep. Now all I want to do is sleep as I get ready for that pointless test. I’ve realized. This is my last day on earth. Everything I do today is the last. From eating, to pretending like im going to be alive the next day. In about 2 hours I will be back to it. I might sleep for a while. I might stay up for the next 13 hours. I don’t know. I’m tired. I’m so tired. Not just in a sleeping way. I’m so tired in many ways. Im wasting my time going to take this test. But if I don’t, someone will know something is up. And I’ll end up in the hospital. Not today. That’s not on my agenda.
I wanted to test how much pain I could tolerate. I guess I have a high pain threshold. The best way to describe the cut would be to imagine you skin cut like in a surgery. Not as long but about 1.5cm long. It doesnt bring relief or more sadness. Just tells me I can do it if I want to.
For those of you who have taken the time to listen to me.
I got my three month test 2 weeks ago.
My results came back negative.
Fuck you Zak, I hope you enjoy having hpv 2. I’m glad I didn’t catch it from you
As phantom says we got dealt the shit hand by God where did we go wrong or what did we do to piss God off ? is it a test of strength ? Test of faith ? I don’t know but it is some bull shit right here
maybe with lived a high life before this life ? Maybe I should start going back to church ? Or maybe we live in hell and we go heaven when we die ? That dose make suicide sound nice if people who commit suicide and go to heaven it’s a sin I think ? But who cares ? Only the strong survive I guess the saying is true but fuck it we all end up in s box anyways sooner or later il play the game for a lil wile longer
I go into the hospital tomorrow morning for some tests.
One of them is a dexamethasone suppression test to see if I have Cushing’s Disease, the other is to see if I still have Osteomalacia. (Not osteoporosis but osteomalacia).
I’ll find out the results next week, plus I’m hoping they’ll start investigating the tumor in my head which showed up on the x-ray about 2 years ago. (Yeah, they’re taking their time with that for some reason).
If the worst-case scenario happens with the tumor, I may not even have to worry about suicide after all.. my body will self-destruct all on its own.
Still can’t decide whether that would be a good thing or not.
Lately I’ve been having medical issues. Serious, taxing, stressful medical issues. Issues that my mom, who works with a doctor, could clear up. She could tell me what the hell is going on but she chooses not to. I see a specialist tomorrow. Ever since I got my bloodwork results back, I’ve been stressed and anxious. Well, moreso than usual. These two things make it harder for me to focus, making my already difficult high school courses even harder. This quarter we talked about suicide in Health, and that’s the first time I’ve ever shown a serious emotion in school. I had a breakdown. I was crying and couldn’t talk without sobbing. I was freezing and felt dizzy and my knees were so shakey. Since then, my grades have dropped from straight As with a B every now and then, both test and overall grades. My last two tests in my Maths? 63%, 54%, and I’m pretty sure I just failed the test I took today. My overall grade is 72%, and my grading quarter cut off is in 2 days. My mom has always expected the best from me, moreso than my sister. I brought home a C on a test in 7th grade and she hit me. When I told her today, just now, that my grades will be bad this quarter, she screamed at me. She doesn’t understand how stressed I am. Between the inability to focus, how difficult the courses are lately, and all this medical stuff, I’m drowning. I’m forgetful, and plannars never worked for me, making homework a task for me. This seems so overdramatic, but coming from a girl whose family expects everything from her. This is my life. My mom wants the exact opposite for me as she had for herself. She was kicked out at 16, and dropped out to start working so she could afford an apartment. Which is why she expects so much from me. So much that I can’t keep up. We’ve never had a good relationship, and I’ve tried to open up to her before, but it always turns out bad. She either yells or changes the subject or mocks me or dismisses it. And she will never know I’ve had suicidal thoughts. Right now it looks better than ever. Just to swallow a handful of pills and hope to die by morning. Because who would care if I just dropped dead? Sure my family would, and my very few friends. But nobody would have ever seen it coming. And I wouldn’t have to deal with the guilt. Because I’d finally just be rid of all of my stress and worry.
A year ago, when I bought my burial plot and put a deposit on my tombstone, I was certain that I was doing the right thing. I only asked God to grant me one thing, and vowed that afterwards I would be willing to carry out my end of the bargain. I was granted the time I wished. Now, that time is over and I realize I no longer have that excuse. But although I already feel lifeless, I’ve discovered that I am too much of a coward to follow through. And, I also realize that God knew all along that I wouldn’t have the courage. Why then did I have to suffer so much loss and pain in the last 5 months? Do I have to (or be expected to) live with the shame of being a coward, and failing at even carrying out my vow? Or is it just another test to see if I can find the courage? If it is a test and I fail it, who else is going to pay the price?