Thanks to those of you who commented on my last post. Your comments were quite warming and although some of your advice seems hard for me right now, I know you’re right, I know what I have to do. I hope that one day I can, but for now I can just thank you. You know who you are.
Hello Everyone , I would like to know if anyone has any ideas on where i mayÂ obtain barbiturates.? tuinal, ******** etc
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Thankyou,Â Â Â Ian
It’s now only a matter of time, I’ve been contemplating the end for many years and at my 27th will be the time to go, it’s never been clearer. Working out sufficient ways is a daily schedule, every bridge I cross is considered, every pill I swallow is worked out to which quantity will be lethal, what side effects may beÂ incurredÂ along the way. I am at least content in the knowledge that I want to sleep my way out.
I don’t need to write the way I feel, thousands of times makes no difference, and I don’t need to go over them any longer. I simply do not belong in this world, I wish that I was born a thousand years ago, I never let anyone close, I don’t know what close even is, and people only see the side I show them, the me they want at the time. I don’t know which one is the ‘real me’ someone said the real me is the 12 different me’s mixed into one, which resonated, and wasÂ epiphanyÂ worthy at the time, but to no long term avail.
Men are jealous of me, women just want to fuck me or get their intensity attention they’re lacking in their lives. I tried mariage and I was no good at that, I’ll be leaving behind 6 people that I care about, 2 in particular are going to be hard to say ‘goodbye’ too but I plan on leaving them something, and giving them some fond memories to remember me when they grow. I’ll be asking in my final words that they be told I’d had an accident to prevent them from feeling as though they weren’t worth me staying.
It’s time to begin getting my things in order, thankyou for allowing me to leave a little message in the world, and more importantly thankyou for not judging.
After over a decade of trying to slog on through this bleak existence, and being guilt-tripped continuously into persevering, I am all out of stamina for the fight anymore. Â Too many things, too many broken emotions, too many medical tags stuck onto this tortured, agony-racked being. Â I don’t even think those closest to my heart would begrudge me seeking eternal peace and relief from this cruel world, if they could understand the pain I go through on a daily basis.
I have had 3 botched overdoses with different meds, and tried hanging once but the cord stretched too much, and contemplated stepping off the roof of a multi-storey car park, but two things stopped me a)the guilt that my ex would feel, and b)the height wasn’t going to be enough to be instantly fatal.
So I have bought 2 packs of zopiclone, a pack of zolpiderm, and along with a fair bit of alcohol to wash it down, and some metoclopramide to stop me from vomiting it all up, hopefully this time I shouldn’t fail. Â As they say, being dead’s easy, its the dying part that’s hard, and all I ever seem to is screw up on that part!!
All I have to do is wait for the meds to arrive, but the waiting is getting hard, all I want to do is go. Â Now. Â However, I have promised myself that I don’t want to traumatise anyone upon discovering me in a gruesome, gory way. Â I just can’t help visualising the pedestrian overpass that goes over the dual carraigeway, which is quite high up, it’s got to be a good third extra higher than the car park roof, and it’s just so hard to fight the temptation of sitting on that railing and falling backwards towards peace. Â But what if I hit a car on the way down, and that car had a child in it? Â I want to ideally just slip away quietly, not in a disruptive way like that, or throwing myself in front of a train.
It’s difficult. Â Thankyou for your time.
you know its intresting.I start to think more about what if i do succede what my death will mean if it actually happens.and a little bit o topic okay ive heard a lot of people saying barbiturates are the only medication that will kill you not you.Ive overdosed a lot in the past when im not cutting or burning or drinking nasal spray.I almost died from the use of sleeping pills and lithium which i was taken off of right after.Now i find there are different types of suicide.Some people i wouldnt consider suicidal cause there just bored with life its not really emotion.Some people are the dead serious who will do away with themselves whatever possible they use stuff like guns and what not.Some people are the ones who are afraid to die and only post that theyll kill themselves as a cry for help.finally there are people who dont really want to die either they take pills or whatever only in hopes that theyll be able to turn back half way through it.
I wont bother saying what i am its not important.But yeah ive thought a lot.Ive had to remind myself to just pretend to be what everyone expects me to me.No being to sad or to angry or to happy.This is kind of hard to do at times though for the most part i do okay. Am i afraid.Hell yeah im deafly afraid.Id love to turn back now.So i can watch x factor and see who wins.So i can protect my family as i feel i must.so i wont miss out on that chance to someday have my older sister say she loves me or hug me cause since we were eight and nine she never has.So i can have my first apartment possibly a dog.Theres so many things id love to do but thats a fantasy.Even if i do somehow get better from all this mental illness.The pills and the poisoning have already taken off ten years of my life.Even if i do make it i can relapse which is already happening and ive only been out of the hospital for a couple of weeks.The therapist and psychiatrist and parents dont say its a relapse they just think i dont want to change.They just think that in the end it will all be fine.But it wont be.Because i have a family and support system but what am i going to do when im on my own.Im going to be like the 90% percent rate of mentally ill that end up homeless.i figure i need out before it gets there.Before i have to watch death take the lives of everyone i love.
I dont want to feel that hurt.I dont want to feel more alone.My baby sister is fourteen she dumped cold water on me cause of a dissagreemnet we had.But to be honest if i die ill miss her the most but shell probably never forgive me but ill still love her.Ill regret doing what ive done but ill still love my family forever and ever.
I feel a lot like some of the stories ive read.Most dont know but i am disabled.Ive been wheelchair bound,wore a neckbrace, couldnt lift my hands.Why???Cause during fourteen i had several meltdowns from familys fighting.At that time i wanted a family i wanted my brother and sisters to be happy. my mother and father but they werent.And today i realize and accept that my mother and father will never love eachother.But im okay with knowing that.Cause even though my family is together my mom and dad do better as friends.
Anyway getting off topic.The worst thing about my illness was having to go to school in a wheelchair.But also knowing my illness was a mental illlness and that my illness ive basically had to fix it myself.Look up conversion disorder youll understand more.
I had to learn to walk again.And i struggle so much still today.i dont know how to cook or do my hair.I at times neglect my hygiene.I had people who were cruel and still cruel to me.My older sister has not hugged me or said she loved me in a long time.I take care of the pets.I try to help around the house and im punished for it.I feel like a lot of the people on here.I read so many of your stories as much as possible and i feel for you only regretting that i couldnt take away your pain and reply to every message.
I dont want to die.But i can admit im very sick.And how those doctors use euthanize on cancer patients.I want the pain to end .
i also said in a last post i would not come here.But ii cant do that.This is the one place were i can see that im not the only one.And to take that away while im breathing.well lets just say i would probably try tonight if i didnt have everyone on here and if i didnt have the tiniest bit of faith left that something will turn my frown upside down before next month
(no particular order, i will add to it, i don’t mean to offend anyone, please don’t take it so personally)
People who make too much eye contact when your talking to them.
People who STARE…
i hate how im so different
PEOPLE WHO CALL YOU SHORT
I HATE HOW LIFEÂ doesn’t make a shit load of sense
POPULAR PEOPLE-kill them all… no im kidding…. ..
People who use you.
PEOPLE WHO DON”T LISTEN TO YOU, you need to scream until they answer
BAD ACTORS (NICK CAGE-WTF borring
I love sleep
i hate sleep paralysis
Â I LOVE BEING ALONE
I hate how im so meaan to myself
I hate how i think im a pathological liar
i hate being a teen ager
i hate how im almost an adult
im scared of getting old
I hate having no appetite
DEAF PEOPLE (you know what i i offended you , i dont give a fuck aACTUAlly.
SORRY IM MAD AT THE WORLD
I hate how we were genetically engineered by aliens to be slaves
I hate how im scared to commit suicide,
I hate how i cant change the past
i hate being so negative
i hate how everythings b.s.
I LOVE WASHING HANDS
People who don’t give you the benefit of the doubt
People who just stare at you waiting for you to say something
People who offer you snacks/drinks and you decline and they keep asking and saying are you sure? and then when you say NO THANKYOU-they
tell you to “dont be shy!” WWWTTTFFFF ignorant jackass’s)
CELLPHONES. I HAVE ONE AND I HATE IT
i hate people
How i cry soo easily
TEXTING I HATE IT
IPODS I dont know how to use them
LUNCH–the wordÂ and the concept
RULES-THERES TO MANY
i hate my body, but i am very pretty when i put lots of mkeup on
i hate sweat
PHONES I HATE PHONE
I HATE MYSELF! (haha) but then again i only love myself
SCHOOL. I fail
I HATE HOW I CANT FIND ANYONE LIKE ME
people who call you flat!(it’s happend to me)
This thing called life
People who dont clue in that you want nothing to do with you.
People who are hard of hearing
Loud obnoxious cocky people.
I hate how i dont know what to do with my life
I hate small talk
i hate how i miss out on so much in my chilhood due to my extremely debilitating selective mutism .
i hate how people know little about me
i hate how i come across as boring probably
I hate how all this time i thought i was an idiot/percieved as an idiot, but im actually a genius
i hate how im typing so fast that my grammar sucks
i hate how im coming across so negative rite now
i hate how i can never relax
I HATE HOW I GET LOST IN MY THOUGHTS
I HATE HOW I UNDERSTAND OMETHING BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT
I hateÂ how i should be doing my work right now because im sooo far behind, but i cant concentrate
I hate fingernails
i hate how i answer people so quickly because i get nervous
i hate how i coverup everything
hate bathing everyday(YES I DO IT ANYWAY)( i love baths when i feel like it)
i hate how i live in fear, and how im always nervous
i hate how i dont no how to explain myself
I HATE HAVING TO PUT MAKEUP ON EVERYDAY
I hate how i made huge mistakes
i hate how i look with no makeup
I hate take makeup off
I hate how i have so many issues i dont know wheere to start
i hate how i lost all my friends
I hate winter
I hate bugs
I hate sunscreen
JUDGEMENTAL PEOPLE(basilly everyone)
People who ask you to spell simple words like “alright”
People who call you quiet/shy.
I hate how i used to have selective mutism it fucked my life up so much …long story
i HATE being socially awkward
I love people i can relate to
i hate how i feel sorry for inanimate objects
i hate how i have so much potential but im afraid to use it, or i dont know how
I HATE VALENTINES DAY
I HATE MY RELATIVES
ALWAYS FEELING ANXIOUS…
I hate how i dont know how to not care..
I hate how people judge you so quickly
I hate weekends-THERE DEPRESSING….might as well always be aÂ monday(imfucked ok?)
I hate how i talk to myself like im talking to some imaginary god that doesnt exist
People who ask you a question and you respond and they don’t answer after.
i hate rusty things, like the feeling of rust, feeling of newspaper
I love myself but i hate myself
People that talk way toÂ much.
Ignorant people who dont fuck off
i HATE HOW I ALWYS FEEL GUIlty
I dont have many friends, because i cant relate to anyone.
I’m done with trying to make sense of it, ill be who i want .
People who put you on the spot/humiliate you/make you uncomfortable
I hate creepy people
being sick, nausea, being tired, not being able to fall asleep
SHORTNESS OF BREATH DUE TO ANXIETY
People in general.(dont get me wrong, im sure there’s some sane people out there like me)
People who dont have manners.
People who talk just for the sake of talking.
I hate money
I hate glasses, i wanna break them, i hate contacts
I love laser eye surgery
People who are gross
I HATE TALKING
I hate my VOICE (i love singing though? )
Kids, kids who ask 5000786 questions a day.
babies-okay im just jealous because they get all the attention and they have it so easy.
Kids (children)who insult you
MICRO MANAGERS (i live with one)
I hate chore
PEOPLE WHO TALK FAST
PICUres of myself (some are good though)
hate how i cant smile on cue
People WHO TELL YOU TO SMILE FOR THE CAMERA WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE
people who feel overly sorry for themselves
When people interrupt you or criticize the way you talk.
When people are so oblivious, they take up all the space, dont move the heck out of the way
People who have no common sense/ people who get into your personal space.
HOw life came with no instruCTIONs
I absolutely hate my Hair, it takes eternitys to dry it.
how im always COLD
Brand names: AND HOW PEOPLE THINK THERE SO COOL IN THEM WTF
I HATE LOTS OF THINGS
I get bored easily because I am hard to impress and dont like much, because i suck at lots of things.
soo much more…
to be continued,
today i fell inlove with my brothers bestfriend, not because hes cute or smart, or ive known him since i was 4 years old. but i fell in love with him as a person. because he is wonderful. kristian you saved me today because you saw and never judged, you helped and never asked and i have never felt closer to anyone in my life before, i fell in love with you and im proud to say that you showed me ther is a light, you just have to get to it. by just seeing me you saved me from myself because before you said hello, i was ready to say goodbye. thankyou i am forever grwatful to have you in my life. you changed me and i love you for it.