I’m just feeling pretty hopeless tonight. I don’t post much. I don’t talk much in real life either, at least, not about how I feel. But tonight, I know I won’t sleep with this poison inside of me. I feel hopeless on every level. Individually, I am worthless and talentless and broken from a violent and turbulent childhood. I am so mentally and emotionally taxed that I am losing the ability to function normally. Someday soon, this is going to catch up with me and likely destroy my life. Relationally, I don’t know how to be open in friendships or to be vulnerable romantically or to […]
Tag:
the effects
I finally joined after a few days of reading what people have written, which isn’t much different from what I want to say. I have had thoughts of suicide, I’ve actually been very close to committing suicide, I stopped myself from that one time, I held a knife that was digging into my neck. The only reason why i stopped was because of the effects on my family. I think of suicide everyday now, it’s becoming worse. Now i cut my wrists. I sit in my room alone and I cut myself, every cut I would make I would have tears in my eyes, and […]
I am so tired of people continuously waking out of my life, only being there when it will make them feel better. I posted yesterday about the hell that I went through as far as being abused. It is the effects of the abuse that I have worked six hard years on getting past that keeps people walking out of my life like some kind of fucking revolving door.
I have worked so hard to get past every muscle in my body stiffing up and feel like I want to crawl out of my skin every time I am touched. Now days I can give someone […]
We deserve the right to die with dignity. No adult should feel forced to live against his or her will. If a grownup really wants to die, there should be nothing denying him that right. I don’t want to risk surviving a fatal suicide attempt. I just want to die and be free from Earth. I’m tired of playing in the sandbox. I’m tired of the competition, mysteries, and hopelessness and I deserve a painless, easy death. We’re all going to die anyway and possibly lose everything, so why does killing oneself have to be so hard. I’ve thought long and hard about this and […]
So a few days ago the last reason for me to live disappeared. The girl i loved and thought she loved me too, through me out of her room so she could have sex with another guy. I didn’t go to work this week i just could not stand seeing anyone. Now there are no more excuses not to do it. No more hope, and no more reason to go on. Plus if i kill myself i’ll give 3 more persons a reason to do it to. 3 pearsons who have no more reason to live, not with me and not without me. Just make them […]
My friend came to visit; I invited him because I was so depressed and lonely. But now I don’t know if I can handle it. He tells me that “there’s so much more in life that’s beautiful” or other bullshit that I really am tired of hearing.
It’s not that I can’t get over my ex, at least enough to function- I’ve had about a decade of practice of being functional (at least the minimum) while being incredibly depressed. I think that’s one of the reasons my ex said that I was strong. Recently, she said she was the weak one in the relationship when I […]
i never want to sleep again whenever i do i wake up and feel like im a pos at least when ive been awake too long and start to feel the effects of sleep deprivation i no longer care that life is a joke seems like my most suicidal moments are in the first 12 or so hours after sleep really wish there was a drug free way to sleep even less than i do now it would be really nice to just not wake up
Hi sweet suicidal peeps. I love you. I’m up in the wee small hours again. No surprise there. I went on a drug called abilify a week ago. At that point I couldn’t take any more suicidal depression. Abilify does a number on you. I can’t sleep, am restless yet terribly fatigued, worried about high blood sugar/pre-diabetes. Yet I have to say it’s stopped the depression, and the effects kicked in real quick.
Abilify also makes me want to eat everything in sight, with unhealthy, fatty, junk foods being the drug of choice. I can’t afford to indulge though. I’m 53 and carrying a lot of […]
I’ve been feeling like shit really for the past few months, and my friend called and asked if I wanted to hang out. Of course I said yes…
This morning started out normal for a Sunday morning (in my house at least) my older brother and his wife arguing, my older brother being a total dick… But I’m feeling a bit better, and I’m surprised that I haven’t cried yet. (it’s only 10AM so knock on wood)
I think… it really does make a difference having someone who actually cares around, sure my parents care but then again they let my demons follow me- and won’t let […]
Well, ok I do have SOME reason to be here. I have a story, a few actually, I like to share and write so this site seems perfect for me. But for right now I’m fine, not perfect but fine. I’ll share more of my stories on here later, but for right now I want to get settled in. I’ve been depressed 4 times in my short 16 years of life. 3 of those were real, mature depressions and I’ve been suicidal twice. My last depression nearly killed me. I’ll explain later, but I had also had an anxiety disorder and that opened the door […]
Everything is normal. Going along as it does. Then I’m reminded all of the sudden. Your not here. You left us. You killed yourself. It comes with no warning. I can never pinpoint what triggers the blunt reminder. But it steals my breath away. Every time. You. Are. Not. Here. Then the anger comes. It rises, bubbling away under the surface till it reaches my hands. Clenching my fingers into fists. Rises further. Gritting my teeth. Fuck you. Your stupid impulsive decision has ruined our lives. I never thought anyone would be able to make me feel such rage, let alone you. You who were […]