So billons of ppl in the world x Amount of ppl on this site, so why are we all jis suffering so alone
Morning sp, just a thought regarding something I saw on tv recently. There was a football game on that was going to be dedicated to an ex player who took his own life. They had one of his kids friends there, and she said, “it was important to show support for her friend whos father had died from depression, and we should look after each other before things get bad for them”.
She mustn’t have been any older than 10, and already showing a wisdom beyond her years. I was so impressed with everything she said, now if the rest of the world can catch up, we might have a chance. Hope u all have a good day, night, whatever.
Take care everyone.
A while back, maybe a couple months ago, I learned that my younger brother has had suicidal thoughts. He doesn’t know I know that. I found a few discarded journal pages lying around while cleaning up the spare room I’m staying in. I don’t know if this is a current thing or not but it scares the hell out of me. Not even for the obvious reason of him harming himself in any way, because I’m almost positive he wouldn’t. It’s because now I don’t know how badly it would affect everyone when I do finally kill myself, and the last thing I want in the world is for anyone, let alone him, to follow me. I feel incredibly trapped. I wish there was a way for me to die and for my family to feel happy for me, but that’s completely ridiculous. I hope he’ll be doing ok when I finally go through with it. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
Have ever just felt worthless and hated by everyone?? It’s the worst feeling ever apart from heartbreak.. I’ve felt like no one wants me here.. I’m always sad and or angry at myself for no apparent reason.. Sometimes it’ll be because the way I laugh, or how i look when i smile.. Yeah Ik, those are idiotic reasons to be angry with yourself with. Or it was because some bully calling me names or telling me to do things, like telling me I should go kill myself.. I tried to kill myself before.. When my best friend told me i should do the world a favor and kill myself.. That was the first time I attempted suicide, but obviously failed. Im writing this because all of those feelings i felt in the past, I’m feeling now… Sad, angry, worthless, hated, depressed.. Everything.. I don’t know how to cope with them.. Except for self-injury.. I know I shouldn’t do that to myself so imma try and hold back on that..
For about six weeks, things were actually going pretty good. I found a job, after six months without full-time work. I started running again several days a week, which clears my mind and stabilizes my mood in a way that nothing else can (I can’t swim, for instance, and I hate lifting weights because of all the pauses where my thoughts can creep back in). I went two whole weeks without wishing I was dead, for probably the first time in a couple years.
And then a week ago I hurt my knee and had to stop running. A few days after that I got into a squabble with a roommate and then a fight with a friend. And then today I discovered that I was wrong about my job, which I thought would be challenging work but consistent hours and focused on one area. It turns out the company is making a huge push toward a late July deadline. Today the engineering lead (not my boss, but still) announced there would be two “non-obligatory” late night sessions per week until 9-10 pm for the next couple months, and the area I thought I would be working in (and that I was interested in) would probably not be a priority. If I had known that when I was interviewing, I would never have considered that company. I’ve done that shit before and I just don’t care nearly enough to do it again. I’ve never been at a full-time job for less than a year but I might be about to shatter that record.
So I guess it just never ends. You can’t work your way back slowly one step at a time, because once you succeed at step 1 people will just throw more and harder challenges at you. And no matter what there is always going to be people causing conflict and drama and making me want to go around just flipping everybody off.
At least I know to never get my hopes up again.
I have been the happiest I’ve been in years these past few months. I’ve been feeling confident and beautiful but today all my depression flooded back. I know it’s going to be bad again. I’m not going to be able to get out of bed again. I have a beautiful 5 month old Husky. He is my best friend in the world and I love him so much. He doesn’t really care for me though haha but I don’t mind because I love him so much. But I know I’m not going to provide him with the care he needs anymore. I knows this hole I’m in right now is going to consume me for a while and he deserves better than having to stay in his crate until 1 pm because I slept through all of my alarms. I’m going to have to give him up. It breaks my heart because he’s all I have. I don’t have a human best friend and my mom does her best to pretend to like spending time with me and like me in general but I know she doesn’t. And it’s okay because I understand. But basically I’m going to have to endure months of isolation and sadness just like last summer.(I went out with friends a total of 3 times the whole summer) I’m going to miss my baby so much by I know he’ll be better off without me.
It’s by one of my favourite internet writers, he always has a good way of knowing the underlying meaning in things:
For those who don’t want to read it, it’s about how today’s social dynamics abuse and imprison the arbitrarily selected bottom few. It’s mainly about the time of adolescents but I think it explains all stages of life. Because of the way the world works, it needs an amount of people in the bottom for it to function and it doesn’t care how much mental damage this causes those unfortunate enough to be caught in the “shit pit”. It’s one of those harsh reality articles so be aware.
Why am I posting it? Because I’ve been stuck there since adolescents and it has taken a toll on me. Since I didn’t have the proper outlets, it has effected many different parts of my life and has left me a useless shel or a person I am today.
I want to commit suicide because I don’t want to be subjected to this kind of treatment. I don’t want to have a horrible, unfulfilling life because my suffering is necessary for the success of others who would look down upon me.
To this day I can’t believe the social brutality which is allowed to continue.
Does anyone else feel this or know what I’m talking about?
thank you for reading
I don’t know how to live with this. With myself. I’m full of hatred & negativity. I feel so alone, & lost. I am a terrible person, but I don’t have it within me to be better. I can change my actions, but my underlying view of life remains the same. The problem is fundamental to who I am. No matter how many new starts I make, I will eventually drag myself down.
I have cut myself off from all humanity. I am completely alone. There is no meaning to anything I do. I go through the motions, clinging to the vestiges of life. But it’s artificial, and completely hollow. My dreams are based in my own twisted view of the world, and cannot be fulfilled.
Why can’t I let go? Fear? Guilt at the pain it would cause? Maybe I just love making myself miserable? Maybe I believe on some level that my life is really fantastic, despite how my mind constantly torments itself. Maybe my survival instinct overrides everything? I just want to not feel this, or be this, anymore. I want to sleep. I want it to stop.
Given that death is inevitable for all, the pertinent question would seem to be: what do I want to do in whatever time is left.
There are things that I would like to do in my remaining time. But none of them are tangible, based in my real life. They require me to be other than I am. And I do not know how to be other than I am. I do not know how to give up being myself. I am addicted to it. Attached to it. Neurosis, unhappiness, unease is the way I define my reality. I cannot give it up. I cannot accept the world as it is. I cannot accept myself in it. Doing so strips away all meaning, and I am left with nothing.
It’s hard to explain. It doesn’t make any sense. But I am in the position of wanting nothing more than not to feel as I do, or be as I am (angry, isolated, anxious, selfish, narcissistic, childish, full of shame, regret, & fear). Yet simultaneously feeling unwilling to give up those feelings, or that self that I hate.
So you may be thinking about opting out just as I was all through out my life. There were lots of times I just wanted to die. Why? Because at the time my thoughts about the world were different than they are now. Did my thoughts about the world in which we all live get better? Actually no they got worse. So why don’t I still want to off myself you ask? Because nature will do it for me at some point.
Let me explain a bit further. I have studied numerous religions and belief systems. What I have come to realize is that no one has a fucking clue about anything. It is all based on what we are hopeful for (faith) happens after we die. It is all based on this fear of death. Sometime in my mid 30’s I had an epiphany of sorts. I realized that if I stopped giving a fuck about what others thought of me or what they were doing or really anything for that matter life became a lot easier for me at least inside my head.
I had to get a thick skin to say the least in order for things that used to bother me to stop bothering me especially my thoughts. I also came to realize that this whole bullshit of an existence was all in my head and my perceptions of reality was all inside my head. Once I stopped giving a fuck the thoughts of giving up left. My life isn’t a breeze and neither is anyone else but at least my brain for the most part has stopped bugging the shit out of me.
So what makes me happy these days? Well lots of things. My life isn’t perfect but I at least have enough distractions to get me by. Distractions are a big key to getting past your own brain. That and not giving a fuck and live your life any fucking way you want. When one door in life shuts just say fuck it and move on to the next. Doors in life will never ever run out no matter what you are doing.
Life isn’t over yet for us. There are still things we all want to do or to experience. So work toward those things. Life goes by faster than you expect so try each day to do something that makes you happy and say fuck it to tomorrow. We might not be here tomorrow.
This is just a little blurb that I hope helps someone at some point in life. My whole story is a bit more complicated and very fucking long so I will not go into that.
Things won’t get better for me
They never will
Failure breaks a person
Pain keeps you in pieces
I have no other options
No where to go, no where to stay
All I feel is fear
Fear of others, fear of pain
Life is an uphill run
And everyone drags you down
Rake their nails in to your bare skin
And use your head as a step
But still there’s a serene feeling
When your lying sprawled on the ground
At the bottom of the hill
Some people blame themselves after failure
Some people blame the world
This is a place I’m not wanted
Nor a place I want to be
Death isn’t an escape nor a mercy
Death is a freedom
I’ve been battling depression since the age of 13. In my community depression is seen as a sin. So I developed an outer shell that showed the world all was well. At 33 almost 34 married to a loving wife and 2 beautiful daughters, how is it that I can be so blessed yet so empty? Why do I consider death as a reprieve?
People, when I have broached the subject tell me it’s all in my mind, I opened up to my wife and she says she’ll help but is indifferent towards me now. I’m not even hanging on by a thread and up to my eyeballs in debt, how am I supposed to continue this act?
I’m so tired. Ive planned my death in detail, in the most painful ways imaginable to the last breath and am so close. I’m tired of being told it’s in my head I’m tired of pretending and hiding the pain.
To harm any innocent life is only to harm the love of the world.This is what i have always lived by.Im in the bathroom at this very second pondering my way out of life.i know im sick,every small decision and trouble i face in the road leads to the ultimate solution. Im suppose to be getting married in 9 days,and im only 19.i wish i had made a diffrent career choice so that i could give this perfecr girl everything that she deserves. The army isnt for me,and every day that goes by i regret joining.i live in constant fear of the world around me.getting in trouble for things that dont matter in the real world.i coulnt pass a pt test so i poisoned myself to burn holes in my stomach so that i woulnt have to take them anymore,and to see if i could be medically discharged for it.god i hope they send me home on honorable conditions.if not,then im out.the tactic is simple and painless.hose fro the exaust pipe of my car to the cabin.sleep forever.i know my wife will miss me,and thats the only part of this that i cant come to peace with.but if i dont get out,im not going to drag her into a deadbeat life with an unstable husband.these are my morals.
Ah. Now there was a question. A good question– good enough for me to take it into serious consideration for the next week– but woefully incomplete at its core.
I mean, who inspires me to do what? To say what? To be what? What is this inspiration supposed to be like? How am I supposed to react to it? How am I supposed to answer this question?
Was I overthinking this? Absolutely, but, if we were to cut the shit and get down to the nitty-gritty, I was agonizing over this because had multiple answers to all the above.
After all, my parents inspire me. They inspire me in a lot of ways. They inspire fear in me every time they call my name or my phone. They inspire pain and panic when they open their mouth or raise their voice. They inspire me to hate myself. They inspire me to destroy myself. They inspire me to take the shovel they’ve given me and start digging my own grave. They inspire me to never be like them. They inspire me to be afraid of ever talking like them, ever thinking like them, ever living like them, ever even looking like them– lest I ever begin to become them, all because they’ve inspired so much of ‘so much’ in me.
And my old ex-boyfriends inspired me. They inspired me to never speak up. They inspired me not to say no. They inspired me to never tell anyone what happened all those days ago. They inspired me to collapse and cry in locked rooms where no one could ever see. They inspired me to wear longer sleeves, longer socks, heavier coats– no matter the weather, no matter the time. They inspired me to stare at the ground, to tuck my chin down, to keep my voice low, to know that they were the only ones who knew what was best for me.
And all my old counselors? They inspired the same. Don’t be a burden. Don’t do anything without express permission, but don’t ask for it either. Don’t talk. Don’t scream. Don’t move. Don’t tell anyone. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t.
I was inspired to be quiet. To be alone. To be obedient. To attempt suicide to escape that awful, awful inspiration because my fragile, crazy, damaged ass just couldn’t take it anymore.
But… my friends, my real ones, they inspired something… different.
E. inspired creativity. Honesty. Humor. We talk for hours about writing, about art, about anything and everything, daily for 3 years and counting. She puts so much of herself in everything. She works so hard for everything. She’s so funny and sharp and clever, I can’t help but be inspired to try to be just a fraction of the same. I can’t help but want to work just a little bit harder, to hold on just a little bit longer, if only to know what she’ll say next, if only to help her when life gets her down.
H. inspired kindness. Gentleness. Sincerity. Never have I ever met someone with such a golden soul. It’s hard to believe she’s even real sometimes, someone who cares so much about other people to such a degree. She’s lived a hard life, she’s gone through so much, and yet… there she is, her hand on your shoulder. Her eyes knowing, concerned, and waiting for you to do or say what you need to without a single hint of judgement– I want that. I want to be that, for her and for everyone. To be there when the world is unkind.
P. inspired earnestness. Friendliness. Joy. He has such a soft heart, warm and kind, reaching out to say hello at the slightest provocation. Genuine smiles are always at the ready, genuine laughs are just waiting to be heard, because that’s just the way he is. A joyful, smiling, laughing soul, that carries on despite the weight it has from the life he has to lead. I want to smile with him, I want to laugh with him, I want to carry that weight with him, and give back that joy he gives to me.
J. inspired trust. Comfort. Love. I didn’t know what any of that truly was until I met her. Until I fell in love with her. We’re kindred spirits, similar souls and similarly inspired. If people were books, we’d be the same genre, and we’d both be locked and encrypted and 6 feet under. Intentionally guarded. Intentionally unreadable. Intentionally gone. But, with each other, things are different. She has my code. She has my key. She has me, and all the blood and tears and ink that seep out of my pages. And I have her, deep in my heart, deep in my soul, chapters upon chapters dedicated to the life I want to live with her in it, even if it’s not by my side.
And then there’s all the others that would take forever to list, the billions of answers I have for “Who Inspires You?” and all the things they inspire me to be.
Now, if only I could be inspired to finish this in a logical or thoughtful way. Hmm. Don’t suppose that will be happening, will it?
This tired, half-baked, 2 AM lopsided mess will end the way it began.
This is ridiculous, I know it’s not supposed to be easy or simple. But I’m just too tired to do this anymore, I don’t have anything left in me.
I physically feel like gravity is getting stronger by the day. I keep thinking about the bridge. About the feeling of falling, how it feels to know it’s finally over and it can’t be stopped. To feel the world pull me down. The air blocking all the noise around me. But the one thing I always wonder, should I jump forward and watch the water get closer or backwards and watch the sky get further.
So after suffering for over a decade of loneliness, I’ve decided today is the day I will kill myself. No one knows the pain I am in because nobody cares to know me. People only know fragments of who I am, and when I open up, it only scares them away. I am 32 years old I haven’t had a girlfriend since my early 20s and I am a fairly successful individual. I have a master’s degree and make $100,000 year. I don’t tell you this to brag, but to demonstrate that this disease affects everyone. I have served in the military for over 8 years with 2 deployments. The military was good to me, but it is a lonely career as an officer. All of my peers are married and have kids. The only single people in the military are enlisted and it is a legal violation to fraternize with them so I end up alone constantly.
So how close am I to committing suicide? Well I finally bought the gun today and the ammunition. The gun is right next to me and has 1 round loaded, all I need to get the job done. I had a nervous breakdown at work yesterday and left halfway through the day because I couldn’t stop crying, just like I am crying right now. I called in sick today and received a few texts from co-workers wondering where I am…if they only knew how unhappy I’ve been for my entire adult life. All the people who used to tell me things will get better lied. It doesn’t get better, it only gets harder because no one cares even when you try to care, all they do is use your willingness to care against you and take advantage of you until you have nothing left to give.
I’m surrounded by tissues as I contemplate when I’ll actually pull the trigger. I have packed a bag to travel. I think I’ll just drive somewhere until I run out of fuel and walk into an empty field or forest and do it there. It’s a beautiful day outside, but I don’t even know how to enjoy my last hours on this earth. The thoughts just keep running through my mind. No one will even know I’m gone at least until Monday. I’ll be AWOL and maybe they’ll send someone to my apartment to find my note, but by then it will be too late.
People who are truly suicidal know how to hide the warning signs. I’ve hid them from everyone for years. I almost convinced myself that I could overcome the thoughts of suicide, but the mind is too strong. There’s only one logical end to my life without anymore suffering. I’ve given it everything I had, but now I’m just too weak to go on. I can’t fake it anymore and I’d rather die than live life knowing everyone would only pity me and not realize that the only way to help me is just to be there as a true friend. I need a best friend, but it’s impossible to find when you’re an adult. Everyone that’s married already has their best friend. There are no best friends left for me. I doomed to a life of loneliness, suffering, and pity if I expose my thoughts to the world. Or I can just end it now. Sorry for ranting. My mind is splintering in a million different directions and my emotions are overwhelming me.
Here’s my suicide story
Last year was the most difficult and sad time of my entire life not only for me but for my family and friends. Having struggled for many months with severe depression and for many years with self injury, I decided to try and take my own life and overdosed on my antidepressants. I just wanted a relief from the pain I had to deal with on a day to day basis that consumed every aspect of my life. I had never felt so desperate in my entire life. 2015 would be the start of a series of suicide attempts and hospital admissions throughout last year. the day my life completely changed. By April 2015 I had been hospitalised 6 times including the intensive care/critical care unit twice when my kidneys started to fail so I was placed on dialysis, I was unable to breath properly and became temporaliy deaf due to the large repeated overdoses; the worst being almost 80 300mg aspirin tablets. I was unable to stay awake; I was vomiting blood and intubation was being considered if I did not improve. I was very close to death – but at the time this is what I wanted, it felt safe and i felt relieved the pain was gonna end. When I was told I was getting better I was disappointed.
After treatment I was referred to the Hope service which are a team of dedicated mental health professionals, one of the aims of the service was to prevent or shorten psychiatric hospital admissions which is exacktly what they did for me. Not only did they prevent me from being admitted to a psychiatric hospital they helped save my life, giving me someone to talk to in those darkest loneliest hours.
Today one year on it is still a massive struggle,I am still dealing with depression and post traumatic stress after what happened to me.I have bad scarring on my wrists/ arms but no long term physical damage to my organs. Life is still a day to day battle;battling suicidal thoughts every single day. I still have days where I want to give up but I am trying to get through each day with the unconditional support of my family and friends, even people I barely know have shown me incredible support.
Depression and suicide is such a stigmatised subject but it is something which needs to be talked about.Hopefully by sharing my story others will feel they can reach out and talk about how they feel, not be embarrassed or ashamed so hopefully not ending up in the dark lonely place where me and so many others end up.Today I am am lighting a candle to remember those people who weren’t as fortunate as me to survive and die from suicide because it is not uncommon, there is one death by suicide in the world every 40 seconds. I was one of the lucky ones, but it could so easily have been me.
Hello again, everyone.
I know, most of you don’t know you, and the ones who do probably don’t remember me, but that’s ok.
I posted a few things some weeks ago, and talking with all of you made me realized I wanted to be better. I even start looking College where I can study psychology, Weird.
Anyway, it doesn’t matter now.
I wanted to apologize for not being around. I had you all in my mind all of this time, I prayed for all of you, but I didn’t feel strong enough to enter this site.
Now, I don’t feel strong enough to do anything, really.
I decided I won’t make it to my 26th birthday.
I’m SO tired of being a failure, and watching people my age or younger do amazing things, and travel the world, and do what they love, and love what they do, and have friends, jobs, and a stable family, and… I have nothing. I don’t have a reason to live anymore. I’m 100% sure now that my mother will be just fine without me. I wanted to read a book that came out this month but, oh, surprise, I don’t even have the money to buy a stupid book. And I won’t have it, because my debts are +80.000$ so, yeah. Not having a job and owing so much money… doesn’t look like I’ll travel the world, right?
So, I refuse to see myself become a 26-years-old me. I mean, that’s MORE THAN A QUARTER OF A CENTURY. I can’t justify my life anymore. I’m just a waste of space (well, I’ve been sleeping on the floor of the dinning room for months, but besides that….).
I want to have a little dignity, and I won’t if I turn 26.
I have a little more than a month to read some books that I have but haven’t read, and to watch the movies I want and can find online.
Have no one to say goodbye to. No one would miss me. And no, I KNOW IT’S LIKE THAT, don’t try and say otherwise.
You all have been a great help for this last couple of weeks. Made me realized there’s nothing specifically wrong /with me/. Some people are not meant for this world, I guess.
Can’t live sad and frustrated and angry and lonely anymore.
If you want to, stay strong.
If you don’t, it’s OK to give up on this life.
Love you all.
I just started a new job and I feel like i’m struggling to get on my feet. I’m struggling to find a new therapist and psychiatrist that accepts my new insurance. I’m struggling to just breathe. I just broke up with someone and while it doesn’t feel like the end of the world it still feels awful. I’m feeling all sorts of ways. I feel sad that I feel useless. I feel upset and frustrated that I can’t end violence against trans people or against people of color. I know it’s not all my fault but I’ll stay sad till we’re all safe.