”Only optimists commit suicide, optimists who no longer succeed at being optimists. The others, having no reason to live, why would they have any to die?”
Have Â you ever thought about what would happen to the humanity in 60 000 years? Will we still be here? Will people be able to live the same way as we are today? Or at least those who aren’t struck by this hopelessness us depressed are in.
I have a theory. First, I wan’t to settle some things. I’m a realistic thinker and believe– No, don’t believe – IÂ knowÂ we are here because of the evolution. I’m sorry to all those heavy religious people out there: I envy your dedication to Jesus, Allah, lions or whatever you believe in and trust, but I don’t understand how fictional or dead people can help me. Science and people are what matters to me. I think that religion is a way of putting a name on something we don’t have the ability to embrace -Â Why are we here? What happens after death? Does my life matter in any way?Â I think I’ve already Â found the answer to the meaning of life, and spoiler alert to those weak souls out there; there is none. We are a part of this planet just like the dinosaurs, just like the water, just like the Ice Age (not the movies :)), just like the air. The only difference between a lion and us, is that we developed even further, and are still developing. I think our psychology is part of our evolution. We developed too far. We live in this weird mass of comfort for those of us who are lucky enough to have food (even though we can only afford McD’s), a house (even though it’s a cr*ppy one), a family (even though it sucks), education (even though we hate school). What the hell do we need all these things for? We only need food and water to survive, who the f*ck needs a couch or an Xbox 360 toÂ survive?Â No one, but we’ve made our self believe that there is no life except the luxury we live in. What if our development stopped before we “invented” fire? What if we were still hunters – another animal in the jungle fighting for survival. We are only part of a small time period here on planet Earth, and it doesn’t matter if we marry the love of our life or graduate or whatever we wanna achieve – in the end, we’ll all be dead.
But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t enjoy life. I found that extremely difficult, first off being a teenager with a cr*ppy start at life: Divorced parents (a dad who lives in a totally different country with a new family, a mother who’s married to her work and admitted she never should have becomed a mother), genetically able for being bipolar, relativly poor grades etc. Nothing special to the human species. But on the other hand, I have people around me. I have a (dysfunctional) family, a (lazy) boyfriend who loves me, friends (not the long-lasting ones, but great ones) etc. Just because I don’t see the meaning of life anymore, why should I ruin the life of the people I love by ending mine? They would be devastated – and this is to EVERYONE in this forum: YOU WILL BE MISSED. You can’t deny that even how hard you try. Somewhere, someone is going to lay in his or hers bed feeling nothing but darkness inside of them and wondering what they did wrong. Hey, even Hitler fell in love, do you think your abusive mother, father, boyfriend or girlfriend, whatever, doesn’t have the ability to feel pain? Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please suffer for those who don’t.
Have to get this off my chest.
It’s eleven months ago today. Eleven months since he killed himself, my dear brother.
You know, the longest I ever had to miss him was 10 days. That was when he left for a camp with a youth movement. And I remember missing him so badly, I just couldn’t wait to see him again. I still can’t believe he’s not coming back now, I mean, how can he be gone? How can a life, built up over 16 long years, just disappear in a second?
If a stranger would come in our house, they wouldn’t even know he’s not there anymore. All his stuff is just where he last put it. His box of tissues for his nose is still next to his bed. His schoolmaps are still in the closet next to his desk. His backpack over his chair. His socks, t-shirts, pants, sweaters, hoodies, all his clothes are still there, in his closet. In our bathroom, his toothbrush is still right next to ours. His deoderant is still standing there, his pyjama’s are still next to mine in the bathroomcloset. His toothpast, his shaving things. His shoes are downstairs in the hall, standing there. On the computer, every document he ever made, every game he installed, we all kept it. His iPod, his wallet, his papers, all of it.
I don’t ever want those things to move an inch. I can’t let it go. I want there to always be 4 toothbrushes in the bathroom, my moms, my dads, mine and his. His place at our table will never be taken by anyone else. I can’t and don’t want to let go of those things. I want to keep everything he ever touched, everything he ever spoke about. I want to gather as many things as possible that remind me of him, I want to have as many memories as possible.
I just love him so much and I want him back.
Words do not express, for my emotions run wild
I feel confusion and hate, but mostly just denial.
I need help.
I’ve slipped into this pit more than once in my life
but for the first time I don’t have the strength to make it alright.
I have done this to myself, this disease is now me
I am not a thinker, a lover or you’re friend.
I am my addiction which has no end.
I am it, and it is me. One cannot set the other free.
I lay in this bed in a room filled with sadness
and think back on my life so much love, but so much tragic.
Then I think of you
and what I have done,
I love I promise, my addiction just holds the gun; while I sit back like it’s puppet and try to escape,
it taunts me with games,
that aren’t so easy to play.
I cry in my dreams and even more when I’m awake,
I need to step back and thank you for sticking with me this way, your the only one left who stopped me from this drowning
I’m afraid now my heads above water, but only just bobbing.
I wrote this because it is what I go through and struggle with every single day. Â I wrote this to tell every single person out there that drugs will not only ruin and destroy you, but take away every sense of any integrity about who you once were away from you. I say that with the uttermost seriousness. You may think as I once did that though right now what you’re doing is fun and maybe its just every once in a while, and go ahead and try and convince yourself you will never venture and try anything else. But well the truth is, you’ve already allowed yourself to get this far by trying drugs period so what makes you think that you won’t try something else? Make the choice to not ruin you’re life, everyone will always say that could never happen to me, that will never be me. I was that person who graduated from an ivy league school, who had a career and life that I decided one day to throw it all away, and for what? One second of feeling good. That will never be worth the rest of you’re life.
I am a over thinker
Usually at night all of my problems run to my head and hit me like a freight train
I can’t do anything about it because everyone is asleep
I can’t cry because they will hear me
I can’t scream either
Literally all I can do is lay there all numb bottling up my thoughts
Later it leads to me over thinking things that arn’t even true
That my mind is just making up
And I’m believing it
I start to get fusturated, mad, sad, wanting to hurt someone
But instead I hurt myself
I grab the sharp edge and press it against my coarse skin
Soon the blood starts coming
And the pain goes away
Then it leads to regret
Why did I do it again?!
I was suppose to quit!
I’m so stupid.
Then the cycle repeats.
Well this is just going to be my experience that I had a few months ago.
One day, after having the pills set aside for such an occasion for many a months, I came home in a really crappy mood. Being the thinker I am, I went over in my head all the pros and cons for why I should kill myself. Long story short, the pros won over, and I decided I wanted to do it.
I shoved all 22 of the sleeping pills into my mouth and swallowed them as fast as I could so future me wouldn’t have time to change their mind. After I did so, I had nothing to do but sit and think.
As I thank, I cleaned my room, and put my dog outside with enough food and water to last at least a month. I went back to my room and layed down, and suddenly I felt different. Everything was spinning and I was dizzy, and not in a good way. I layed for a minute thinking over the pros and cons yet again, and suddenly the cons list grew huge, and all the problems I had seemed to have obvious answers. I began to cry, thinking that it was all going to be over and there was nothing I could do about it.
After about ten minutes of laying down and bawling my eyes out, I decided to try and puke up the pills. I attempted to sit up, and I couldn’t move. The weight of the cover on top of me was suddenly like a million pounds. I took in what should have been a large breath, but felt only like an ounce of air. I was having trouble breathing, every breath I took seemed shorter and shorter, and I was sure I was going to suffocate to death. Panic struck and I began thrashing at full force and finally got the blanket off of me, and struggled to sit up. Taking in huge breaths everytime I breathed helped, but my lungs still felt as small as a .grape. I grabbed the trash can with my shakng arms and gagged myself over the trash can. Nothing would come up. I hadn’t eaten in three days, so of course it was to no avail. I didn’t want to die at this point, at the least I just wanted to let life play out to I could do the stupidest things, like watch tv, or listen to music, even living a life with just those things seemed better than death. After much exasperation, I made it onto my feet and walked in circles around my room, knowing that if I stopped, I would fall asleep, and that if I fell asleep, I might die.
After walking circles for what seemed like forever, everything around me was black. I was still walking, I just couldn’t see anything. The next thing I knew, I woke up on the floor of my room, my alarm going off. It was six in the morning, and time for school. I was so happy I could still be alive, and I was greatful to have a second chance. Nothing was wrong with me in the morning surprisingly, except I was extremely shaky and nausious. But I was alive, and that was all that mattered. I went to school, and went through my day depressed as usual, and no one even expected that the girl in their class had almost died the night before.
That is my experience, and I just want everyone who reads this to hink hard before you make split decisions like I did. I still regret it to this day, and the memory is my worst memory of all, and I still cry every time I think about it. I am still depressed, and self harm, and all the other stuff, I just know that like everyone has always said, suicide is never the option, and I want my horrible nightmare to hopefully stand as something you will think back to when your thinking about killing yourself, and know that once make that decision, there is no turning back, and that I was really lucky that I can still be here today to share my story with you guys. If anyone ever needs anyone to talk to, I am here for you.
Please keep breathing <3
Every time I’m drunk I feel deeply suicidal, even if im with good friends or family. I feel my mild depression flares up into clinical depression and im actually ready to make an attempt to end my life when ive had a certain amount of alcohol. The simple answer is to give up drinking but I feel that when im drunk enough, I can make the attempt. Ive never attempted suicide before but I feel its going to happen very soon.Â Life just isnt working out for me at all, im not built for it… I think too much and thats my problem, every single little detail I have to do and sort out in my life, I fuck up because I over-think everything and then never do it.
I remember my mom once telling me that a nurse in the hospital I was born in said ‘he is going to be a thinker’ because my hand was up against my head. My head is always racing, she was right.. I will always remember that comment.
nowhere on the paper for my commitmanet does it say i need to be social and get into the community,i have the list, of every rule i have to follow, why dont them controlling fucks just put down every rule possible so the list becomes longer then both my arms put together,its such a lie, if you follow these rules youll get off, how can i wen they come up with a new one every time?fuck them,if my body is to stubern to keel over and die then im gonna live,and im gonna do whatever the fuck i want,sick of people,i would try to get hit by the city bus, but i would be embarrassed because i rely on the city bus, and these staff say(we cant drive you places because thats not independent)well either way someone is gonna be fucking driving me,so how is either independent,its either you or the bus driver driving me, and relying on something makes me not as independent, atleast what they say,but they dont know what they are saying , they cant handle being out smarted.i dont know if im even smart, i think they are just more stupid then me,but i am a deep thinker, so i can think alot more then those assholes,i thought i would have my own privicy in my apartment, but they ask me everything, and i mean fucking everything,think of a questiong, i dought they havent asked me it,i feel like i should just be a show case in a zoo, because themanimals dont get privicy either.
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